to think larger age gaps between children are not a bad thing?

[Flidais]

This is one of those things I had never heard of before having a baby, but is it widely thought of as a bit selfish to leave a big gap between children? I have posted on MN about how long to leave it before TTC again because I am still bfing my 20 month old and don't really want to risk having to stop before she's ready. I'm mostly happy with that decision.
However, two friends have small gaps and we all have a DC1 of a similar age.
In the time since having their second child, I have heard accounts from both parties describing the strain that pregnancy and a new baby has placed upon their bodies and relationships, along with worries about their elder DC's behaviour since the new baby's arrival. In all, I have worried about both of them and tried to help in practical ways because they've had a really hard time. This is all relevant, I promise.
Recently we all met up as a group for the first time since the birth of their DC2 and almost immediately received a few remarks about 'getting on with it' (having a second child) and 'poor DD loves babies- she would love a sibling' etc. All fairly light-hearted.
Later on, Dd asked for a bf as she was tired and fed up and friendA said (gently but with an edge) that if I had a new baby, I could stop babying DD and let her grow up a bit. I just laughed and said something along the lines of she IS still a baby in a lot of ways and I would just follow her (DD's) lead, but I did feel quite cross.
Then listened to mutual congratulations about how close their children will be to each other, conversations about how potty-training is going, big beds and naughty steps. I feel as if I am in a parallel universe. My Dd is normal for 20 months and seems about the same in development to my friend's children, but isn't showing signs of readiness for potty training (nor are my friend's children if accounts of accidents all over the house are anything to go by) or similar.
I am so proud of DD and how she is developing at her own pace, but I am tired of hearing how I should be getting her to grow up before IMO she is ready, or that I am somehow holding her back?!
So many people, (and I'm looking at family here as well) have age-inappropriate ideas of what to expect from children. It's not hard to read a book or look at mumsnet to see what's normal for a child's age.
From what I have remembered about child psychology, the bit of the brain that governs empathy isn't developed until about 4 years and this is reflected in the birth spacing of traditional hunter-gatherer societies, so the older child is self sufficient before another baby arrives. The contraceptive effect of regular toddler breastfeeding (plus other factors) accounts for this large spacing.
I am absolutely not claiming that this is a pattern we need to follow in western society, with myriad pressures that influence child-spacing. I don't even think I would necessarily want a 4 year gap. I am just trying to illustrate that a larger age gap is not actually unnatural (for our species) and from miserable personal experience a smaller age gap is not a guarantee of future closeness between siblings.
There is a bit of an air of martyrdom about this too, as though it's a bit shallow to think about your body recovering before having another-just do it, your kids will thank you. I actually felt really rundown after having Dd and still don't feel like my body has properly recovered enough to build another baby from scratch without being depleted further. This is my personal experience and of course many women feel absolutely fine and do really well with close-spacing, whether it's by choice or necessity because of time running out or childcare issues.
But this is how I feel.
So AIBU to think that if I spend months sympathising with the hellish time you're having, only to have you turn around and tell me I should have a go too, I'm not going to be terribly convinced?

Haven't read the thread, but my elder two were nearly 7 and 9 years older than my youngest, just the way fate played it. I worried hugely about the gap when pg but it's been great. The big kids are really good with their wee brother.

Also, it's been great, them watching us and seeing how shattered you can get looking after a baby/toddler/5yo - best family planning tool ever!

I've got 18 years between my 2. Works pretty well for us, Dd1 is a good babysitter when she's around!
Saying that, that wasn't how it's supposed to be but hey, that's how life panned out. DD2 is 4 now and I would love her to have a sibling, I think the age she is now she would be great with a baby. Maybe one day...

Some people don't have the luxury of waiting till their child is 4 until they provide a sibling for their offspring. Life happens and amazingly people come through it psychologically unscathed.

6 years between my eldest and youngest.
Has worked out well as dd is in year 11 and ds just left uni, now living at home so he is helping/tutoring dd for her gcse's

I've got 2 years 8 months between mine. It wasn't the ideal gap for me. Younger one was really highly strung and hard work and I know I didn't really do either of them justice for a while as it was all I could do just to struggle through the day. I know for me at least, a larger gap would have been a lot better.

My post makes it sound like I was depressed. I'm not sure I was, I just found it bloody stressful and relentless caring for a baby and a 2 year old!

All age gaps have positives and negatives, really. It's how you deal with the negatives that matters (both for you and the children). You should do whatever you feel comfortable with, which will give you a head start on helping you to deal with any negatives well where the children are concerned. Everyone else should butt out!

I have a 7 minute gap between 2 and 3 and that was pretty tough! I'm sure someone can beat me.

Just like to say op you are saying exactly what I've been thinking for a long time. Your family your choice and you sound like a brilliant mum.

YANBU.

If I had my way, it would be at 3 years +. If DH had his way, it'd be 2 years.

I am close to my brother, and we have biggish age gaps (4 years and 6.5 years).

It's entirely a personal decision.
Pros and cons for both, all mentioned already
Parenting is hard whatever the age gap
Mum to:-)
Dd 14
Ds 12
Dd 7
Dd 5
Dd 10 months

Enjoy your baby (she is still a baby!) and don't have another until you are ready. Mine are 2.5 years apart and then another dd 15 years later (oops). 17 years is an excellent age gap! There are pros and cons either way, tbh

If i was given my ideal gap for me personally, i would say 4-5yrs i would like to have been able to have 3dc all 4yrs apart. However, my age is not on my side, so we will be stuck with 2 years (almost to the day) between the 1st two, and hopefully the same between the third if we are lucky enough to be able to conceive again. I think it will be really hard. But, we just left it too late - so have to take our medicine :)

I had three within four years and it was great. They were all interested in the same things at the same time. They are also very close but that's probably just luck and nothing to do with the age gaps.I remember a friend and her husband taking their 7 and 9 year olds to the theatre just before their third baby arrived because they didn't think they would be going out like that again as a whole family for a long time. I wouldn't have liked to have lost that sort of freedom and gone back to the restraints of a baby whilst at the same time having to think about the very different needs of my older children. That is what worked for us but other people see it completely differently and that works for them. ( I agree with the poster who mentioned having three at uni at the same time , that is something I most certainly hadn't thought of 20 years ago!)

Blackholes I'm sorry that my post came across like that, I didn't mean it in a catty way, I have a lot of respect and affection for my sister and I know she loves her boys very much.

Dsis knew that she would be returning to work, so she arranged things like getting her first son used to being looked after by other family members. That was a really practical and sensible thing to do for her family.

I knew I was going to be a SAHM so I never really had the deadline of a return to work date to get DS used to people other than DH and I looking after him, and we aren't desperate for a night out away from him, so we haven't really done that yet.

In addition, we live a bit further away from my parents, and I don't get on with my dad so wouldn't be happy leaving DS with him. My sister doesn't have issues with him tmk, so this isn't a factor for her, and she lives that bit closer, so its more convient.

We have different parenting styles too. I don't have a judgement about that - it works for them and their boys are happy and she's a fab mum. She's got an active social life, hobbies and career and is probably more balanced in that respect than I am, but it obviously means that she has to be able to leave her children to go out and do those things. Whereas I'm more of a home bird, enjoy hobbies I can do at home, am quite happy to nurse DS back to sleep if I need to of an evening. That wouldn't work for her, and that's okay.

What I was trying to say in my original post but clearly mangled saying was that I think that having good family/friend support helps with small age gaps. Whereas if you are more insular like my DH and I, doing a lot of stuff yourselves [by choice or necessity], then maybe a longer gap is easier to manage because the older one is out of the intense needs stage. Doesn't need to be chased after so much etc.

I honestly don't think any less of her for doing things differently from me, different things work for different folks. I'm pretty sure that my parenting choices come across as too intense/insular, crunchy etc to people who parent differently. Thats okay, I know my way of doing things wouldn't work for everyone.

If there was an edge to my post it wasn't directed at my Dsis, so much as my F. I'm not happy to rely on him because I have a more difficult relationship with him than she does.

The age gap between my sister and I, incase anyone wants to avoid it is 5 years. But I think our difficulties would have been diminished by not feeling we were competing for parental approval.

I'm certainly not judgemental about small age gaps, as I said before it seems to work with my DNephews personalities perhaps because Dsis and DBIL have worked on making it work - but I do think its natural that the older one, even if they aren't much older, is seen as being less of a baby when a new baby arrives. Thats not necessarily a bad thing, but its different. I'm still wrapped in my PFB bubble so feel he's my baby, even though he's an active toddler now.

Fair enough festive - I appreciate the explanation. Have been a bit snippy the last couple of days due to having a three week old I guess! Oh, and two more aged 2 and 4 small age gaps have worked for us so far (2 and 4 yos incredibly close and miss eachother when they're apart, eg when 4 yo was in nursery yesterday morning) the one and only downside so far is lack of sleep. However that's due to having a newborn. My other two sleep beautifully and I'm hoping their new sister will too, eventually!!

I wouldn't change a thing (had two miscarriages before falling pg with number three so she was very very much planned and wanted).

I have 3 yrs 11 months between mine. It has been marvellous so far. DD is like a second mother to DS and they both worship the ground the other walks on. When we are out - it's her hand he always chooses to hold and if she is upset then a cuddle from him soon stops her tears.

It was great that she was very independant and so could amuse herself when DS was a baby. They are now 6.4 and 2.5 yrs and last night she had a chalk board and was teaching him phonics, drawing shapes and numbers and getting him to name them and helping him recognise his own name. She is alsolutely brilliant with him and I am so proud of her.

I am well are though that when she is 8 or 9 she will probably hate him!

I had 15 years between DS1 and 2 and 23.5 years between DS1 & DS3 !!!

So I now have a 27 year old an 11 year old and a 3 year old.

Its great,all three adore each other ,there is no sibling rivalry and DS1 will baby sit for the price of a home cooked meal.

Although DS1 had left home by the time the little one arrived they are still close ,but it did cause some raised eyebrows at hospital visiting time as people assumed I'd landed myself a toy boy when they saw him holding his new baby brother and looking adoringly at him.

Mind you I don't know if its the 3 year old or the 27 year old that gives me the most grey hairs.

Sorry for reviving the thread just wanted to put my experience with a larger age gap through.

My 3 DDs are 22 months and then 7 years 10 months apart. I can honestly say I found the first gap a lot harder to manage and my eldest hated the new baby at first.
However, now my eldest two adore the youngest and dote on her at 14, 13 and 5.

My elder brother and younger sister are 10 years apart with me in between and they get along much better with each other than they do with me

I have 19 1/2 years between the DS's, they still (play) bicker but love each other

I have a 2yr gap as I wanted to keep my options on family size open, and thought it was better to stay in baby mode rather than re enter it in the future. I didn't want a smaller gap as my body had a lot of recovering to do after pregnancy and birth, and it was important to me to lose the pregnancy weight and get fit to help as much as possible for the next pregnancy.

For a DC3, I'd leave the gap a little bigger. I can't leave itto long because of mine and DH's ages, but the difference in DS1 and his independence from when I became pregnant, to the birth and since, makes me feel that getting closer to 3 years will be easier for me with
th effects that pregnancy has had twice already.

There isn't a right or wrong on it, and your friends have been rather patronising about your choices. Different choices work for different people.

I hated being the youngest sibling with a big gap between me and the next one up. Really hated it. Felt I missed out a lot.

As a result I spaced two year gaps between all my dc's. I love those gaps.

DH's sister is six years younger than him, and they've always been very close - more so than me and my sister, who are only 2.5 years apart.

My two are about 26 months apart, but if I'd been younger I would have probably preferred a larger age gap of around three years - instead I wanted to get on with it. Possibly it's harder with two close together in the early years but easier when they're older and can do similar activities together.

As with so many things it depends on your individual circumstances. You have to do what's right for you and your family.

My gaps will be 3.5 and 4 years, not really through choice ( MCs in between) but in first case it has worked well for us, remains to be seen how they all get on when baby 3 arrives in the summer. It has meant the older child is relatively independent when baby arrives, only one in paid childcare at a time (and later hopefully only one at Uni at a time) and plenty of individual attention as a baby/toddler.
Downsides are that we'll have very long drawn out stages of parenting, am apprehensive about going back to nappies and breastfeeding when friends who had 2 close together have both in school and back to focussing on career etc, and that entertaining children at such different stages will be a challenge.
I think you makes the gaps you end up with work, there's a limit to how much you can plan them anyway, and there are happy families in all sorts of combinations. No right way to do it, only what is right for your family.