to think larger age gaps between children are not a bad thing?

[Flidais]

This is one of those things I had never heard of before having a baby, but is it widely thought of as a bit selfish to leave a big gap between children? I have posted on MN about how long to leave it before TTC again because I am still bfing my 20 month old and don't really want to risk having to stop before she's ready. I'm mostly happy with that decision.
However, two friends have small gaps and we all have a DC1 of a similar age.
In the time since having their second child, I have heard accounts from both parties describing the strain that pregnancy and a new baby has placed upon their bodies and relationships, along with worries about their elder DC's behaviour since the new baby's arrival. In all, I have worried about both of them and tried to help in practical ways because they've had a really hard time. This is all relevant, I promise.
Recently we all met up as a group for the first time since the birth of their DC2 and almost immediately received a few remarks about 'getting on with it' (having a second child) and 'poor DD loves babies- she would love a sibling' etc. All fairly light-hearted.
Later on, Dd asked for a bf as she was tired and fed up and friendA said (gently but with an edge) that if I had a new baby, I could stop babying DD and let her grow up a bit. I just laughed and said something along the lines of she IS still a baby in a lot of ways and I would just follow her (DD's) lead, but I did feel quite cross.
Then listened to mutual congratulations about how close their children will be to each other, conversations about how potty-training is going, big beds and naughty steps. I feel as if I am in a parallel universe. My Dd is normal for 20 months and seems about the same in development to my friend's children, but isn't showing signs of readiness for potty training (nor are my friend's children if accounts of accidents all over the house are anything to go by) or similar.
I am so proud of DD and how she is developing at her own pace, but I am tired of hearing how I should be getting her to grow up before IMO she is ready, or that I am somehow holding her back?!
So many people, (and I'm looking at family here as well) have age-inappropriate ideas of what to expect from children. It's not hard to read a book or look at mumsnet to see what's normal for a child's age.
From what I have remembered about child psychology, the bit of the brain that governs empathy isn't developed until about 4 years and this is reflected in the birth spacing of traditional hunter-gatherer societies, so the older child is self sufficient before another baby arrives. The contraceptive effect of regular toddler breastfeeding (plus other factors) accounts for this large spacing.
I am absolutely not claiming that this is a pattern we need to follow in western society, with myriad pressures that influence child-spacing. I don't even think I would necessarily want a 4 year gap. I am just trying to illustrate that a larger age gap is not actually unnatural (for our species) and from miserable personal experience a smaller age gap is not a guarantee of future closeness between siblings.
There is a bit of an air of martyrdom about this too, as though it's a bit shallow to think about your body recovering before having another-just do it, your kids will thank you. I actually felt really rundown after having Dd and still don't feel like my body has properly recovered enough to build another baby from scratch without being depleted further. This is my personal experience and of course many women feel absolutely fine and do really well with close-spacing, whether it's by choice or necessity because of time running out or childcare issues.
But this is how I feel.
So AIBU to think that if I spend months sympathising with the hellish time you're having, only to have you turn around and tell me I should have a go too, I'm not going to be terribly convinced?

My mum planned me and my sister to be close together so I was 21 months when she was born. She didn't breastfeed though so there wasn't that to consider.

The nice thing is that I don't remember being "put out" by the new baby (though apparently I barely noticed or cared anyway!) and being a similar age makes it good for playing together when young.

Nothing's guaranteed though!

I breastfeed DD and although I wanted another one close I felt like you and didn't want that to be the reason to stop bf her but she stopped of her own accord around 18 months.

I've just had another baby and DD is 2 and a half - I still consider that a close age gap in fact even another year I'd consider close together! There's no rush :)

I'm actually glad I waited until she was old enough to understand instruction and even help a bit by passing me things etc... as now I'm back to nursing every two hours for a while I can see it would be difficult to do that and try and manage another "baby" at the same time. She's old enough to sit with us and read a book and understand that baby needs his milk. She can be told not to lift x/y/z without me having to stop nursing in order to chase her round the house so from a breast feeding point of view I'm glad we waited a bit longer :)

Just space your babies the way you want them.

There is no such thing as the perfect gap. It all boils down to the personalities of the children, something you won't know in advance.

I have 22 month gap. My DDs are fantastic playmates, thought they annoy each other too and arguments happen on a daily basis, but they make up quick. But if their personalities were different they might not be so close. Some of their friends have similar gaps, and they children are not so close, don't play so well together.

Within our family, there are two sets of siblings with 6 year gap. In both cases, there is much more sibling rivalry, and the sisters are not close, and never were from the time the younger one was little. But again, I think this is to do with the personalities involved and in one of the families they way they were brought up (younger one was the clear favorite). DD1 has a friend with a sibling 8 years younger, and she adores him, as does my DD1.

I have just over 4years between my two DSs. DS1 is 6yo and DS2 is nearly 2 yo.

I absolutely loved my time spent solely with DS1 from birth. I enjoyed being able to give him all of the time I had (I do work part time too), do activities with him, make spontaneous decisions to do things, go places, make something crafty, bake etc, all without having to factor in a younger child with its own needs.

DH always wanted at least two DC, and I was always happy with having just one. It was an enormous compromise for me to decide to have another. I was blissfully happy with just the one child, and really enjoying the time I had to myself when he was at pre-school, and also really enjoying the time that we had together one to one. If it were up to me, I would never have had another, but I was willing to have another as that was what DH really wanted. I got pregnant with Ds2 in the first month of trying.

DS2 arived when DS1 was 4.3yo. Obviously, DS2 has impacted enormously on all of our lives, and we adore him. For me, the age gap that we have is the very minimum I was willing to consider as I enjoyed the one to one time I had with DS1 so much. I won't have that same spontaneity with DS2, as we are hindered by the school run, limited to holidays in school holidays etc.

Like others I think it's no one else's business, but people normally have larger or smaller age gaps depending on what their own age gap was between siblings.

My siblings are all much older than me, I'm talking a 13, 10 and 5 year age gap between each one. From my own experience I wanted a small age gap between my children so they would grow up with the same experiences.

I have a 4 year gap between dc1 and 2 and a 22m gap between dc2 and 3. I got myself back together after birth much quicker with the shorter age gap. My boobs got the hang of breastfeeding quicker with a small age gap too. With a larger gap I felt my body had healed too much and didn't remember how to handle labour and birth, so it was like being pregnant the first time all over again. I don't think there is anything "martyrish" about not letting your body heal, everyone has different bodies and know themselves better.
My family were all a bit about me leaving a small gap and my sister told me I was stupid for doing it ( ), but like I said before only I know what's best for my body. If you feel you need time, then that's your decision and no one should make you feel bad about it.

It's your business. Your friends are rude to go on about your bfing your Dd. She is only 20 mths for goodness sake!

FWIW I had a big gap with my sister (7 yrs). I loved and love her but we were never and are not that close as we were all at different stages. I think for her she grew up with 3 "big" people around her which in some ways was good but did mean she didnt have an "equal" in the family and probably did get babied a bit.

I have 2 yrs between mine and I'm really pleased with that. They are a little team who love playing together and are learning so much about negotiation and getting along. I feel that I've missed out on that with my sister.

It's hard having a smaller age gap though! Life is a bit of a blur till the the youngest is 3 or so.

8.5 year gap here and it's going far better than I imagined.

I think family dynamics and individual personalities has more influence on relational outcomes than the size of the age gap.

10 years between my two. Perfect for all of us.

People will stop asking you when your DD is about 3 as they'll assume you're not having another and are some sort of social deviant!

I don't think your friends' advice sounds 'well meant', I think it sounds condescending and interfering. I would start preparing some sharp retorts to these remarks, or at least spot something absolutely fascinating on the other side of the room every time they are made.

I am another in favour of a larger age gap - I have good friends with small gaps which have worked well for them but it's not for me. I like you want more time to recover. Plus having 2 in childcare is costly and for many women makes it financially not worth working, then leading to potential problems getting your career back. If DC1 is in school when DC2 arrives the financial pressure is much less onerous.

I'm sure I have read somewhere that for the best chance of compatibility, positive impact on family etc research says you should either have less than 2 years' gap or more than 4 years.

This is a lovely thread. Thank you to one and all for posting your positive experiences. I get myself into a real state about the fact that no 2 is taking so long to happen. I wanted a gap of 3 years but it hasn't worked out like that. Some old biddy actually told me not to bother if the gap will be 5 years since that is too much and pointless and the children don't play together. (dc is now approaching 4.)

I love this comment from above Sometimes you don't get to choose age gaps. However, you can choose whether or not to be happy.

I've got 21 years I between my eldest and youngest and a few very very close in between those two.

What ever age gap you end up with you will make work for you because that's what happens.

Oh and don't count on bf stopping another pregnancy I'm currently tandem feeding a toddler and a baby.

I meant to say i have no close sibling experience as there is 13 yrs between me and my sister with nobody in between so i just went with what i wanted and knew i would be able to cope with

18 months between my dds which has it's pros and cons. Would be a lot harder if I didn't have such great family support - grandparents looked after eldest when I was pregnant to give me a rest and still have her 2-3 days a week. Youngest is only 4mo but I'm definitely not pushing either to do things before they're ready ie weaning, potty training, etc.

Very personal decision and the only people whose opinion matters is you and your dh!

Life is what your children choose to make of it. I have a seven year gap between my two and I wish that that it had been possible to have had them closer. Children are a gift and you don't always get to plan the gap.

The upside of a large gap is that there is less fighting between my children. Prehaps the challenge is that they want to do different things. Dd loves swimming and soft play where as ds wants to do minecraft. It is rare that they want to watch the same programmes on TV.

As far as asking whether babies are planned. Some people are just to fecking nosy for their own good.

My boys are 4y8m apart and play well together , it's more to with personality then the number of years between kids. An auntie said that the best age gap is 2 yrs which does play on my mind..luckily the dynamics of my family work for us

I have a 17 month age gap between dc and it's great.

I have a 7 year age gap between me and my dbrother and it's great.

What works for you works for you.

YABU to say 20month baby, your toddler is almost 2 and not a baby IMO so maybe your friends do have a slight point about babying.

Ignore them and do what is right for you!! Enjoy your baby

My BIL and SIL have two very close together, also my DSIS had her two youngest boys very close together and recently my MIL has been asking when we will have another, I am hoping for a 3ish year gap, for financial reasons, hopefully a calmer home environment than I have seen in siblings and also for my LO to have her time with me.

21 months between my dc and I do agree with you op. Both dh and I come from families with very large afe gaps between our siblings (12+ years) and it wasn't what we wanted for our family. We're not close with our siblings and we hoped the small age gap between our two would encourage a better relationship. It also worked for us un terms of childcare, finances, getting back in the career ladder etc.

However, as much as I love dc2 and do not regret our choices for one second, I think a slighter bigger spacing would've been easier on us. Dc1 LOVES dc2 and not sure I agree with your empathy thing as when dc2 cries dc1 (2) gets very concerned, runs over to him and cuddles him and tells him everything is going to be okay. She's extremely compassionate to him and voluntarily gives up her favourite toys to baby as she loves seeing him smile. Its very sweet.

On the other hand, we have been guilty of doing things to make her grow up before she's ready I think, and I hate myself for it. Things like potty training, expecting toddler to be quiet if baby is sleeping etc.

Do what's right for your family and for you.

Really, just do what seems best for you. Seeing 3 sets of 2 cousins and various friends' children with different age gaps, it seems to me that, in those particular cases, the pairs of sibs that get on best are about 3 yrs apart. They still entertain each other a fair bit, but are much less prone to fighting with each other than all the sibs who are 1-2 years apart.

The parents that seem the most exhausted are those with young children 1-2 yrs apart. A slightly bigger gap may give you more time to actually enjoy each child's babyhood and toddlerhood, rather than just surviving its intensity.

But so much depends on individual family dynamics. My Mum had brothers 6 and 16 yrs younger than her, and got on really well with both, both as a child and as an adult. DH is one of 4 within 5 yrs, and does get on very well with the brother closest in age, but that probably has more to do with closely shared, calm temperament; the youngest 2, also 1 yr apart, still bicker in their 40s.

People similarly burble about whether you 'should' have onlies. My own DS is an only child by necessity, but we're happy with that too.

It's a very personal thing, but you do get lots of comments about it. We went for just under two years for our initial gap, but ultimately there are 7 years between our oldest and youngest and they all get on

Close gaps are hard early on, but too big a gap and you can find it difficult to get activities everyone can do together.

It's just one of those topics that people feel free to share their opinions on. Ignore and make your own decision.

Not really. We have a year gap, both children slept through the night from 16 weeks. We aren't super tired. I love that now youngest is 2 1/2 we have got rid of all baby things. They are potty trained, sleep well, play nice together, are quite independent if needed. Both breastfed until 2 years ( so one year tandem feeding)

With our work its far easier for us to have a few years flexi working/ one parent working from home whilst both young, that having to do that for 8/9/10 years if a 4/5 year gap.

I love that everything it suitable for both. They fit in same clothes, like same park, same friends, same holidays suitable, same toys. No worrying about baby eating tiny Lego as both still had baby toys

I'm sure people adapt to large or small gaps but for us a small gap was planned for and def what we wanted. You point out they are being encouraged to grow up too soon but I don't think so. Like I said I still bf eldest when youngest was born, but by 2 both were potty trained as I think that's a good age and both ready.

Are you sure these people are your friends , and not just a group of mums who have been thrown together by virtue of having Dc1's the same age? Big difference I think. In my circle of friends, we have Dc's of hugely varying ages, and very different age gaps, and none of us would dream of commenting negatively on each others choices. One friend has two boys 15 years apart, and another friend has just announced her pregnancy, and she currently has three under 5! We have supported each other for years through pregnancies, births, mc's, periods of trying to conceive with difficulty - and I honestly cannot recall a single comment from anybody with regard to what we should or shouldn't be doing. This goes for parenting too - my closest friend is still bf her 3yo, I ff from 6 weeks - we totally respect each others choices, and it's barely important enough to come up in conversation between us.

In terms of age gaps, of course different things work for different people. Mine are 16, 6 and 5. The 16 and 6 year olds have a beautifully close relationship, and is very special to see. The 6 and 5 year olds, not so much! These things can fluctuate over time though. I have a close age gap with my Dsis - it took us until we were in our thirties to even like each other - but now she's the closest person in the world to me.

How long you wait before ttc no. 2 is no-one's business but your own. Your friends are rude to comment on it.

There's pros & cons to every age gap so it all comes down to what you feel is right for you & your family.

And I think individual personalities make far more difference than age gaps to sibling relationships.