to think larger age gaps between children are not a bad thing?

[Flidais]

This is one of those things I had never heard of before having a baby, but is it widely thought of as a bit selfish to leave a big gap between children? I have posted on MN about how long to leave it before TTC again because I am still bfing my 20 month old and don't really want to risk having to stop before she's ready. I'm mostly happy with that decision.
However, two friends have small gaps and we all have a DC1 of a similar age.
In the time since having their second child, I have heard accounts from both parties describing the strain that pregnancy and a new baby has placed upon their bodies and relationships, along with worries about their elder DC's behaviour since the new baby's arrival. In all, I have worried about both of them and tried to help in practical ways because they've had a really hard time. This is all relevant, I promise.
Recently we all met up as a group for the first time since the birth of their DC2 and almost immediately received a few remarks about 'getting on with it' (having a second child) and 'poor DD loves babies- she would love a sibling' etc. All fairly light-hearted.
Later on, Dd asked for a bf as she was tired and fed up and friendA said (gently but with an edge) that if I had a new baby, I could stop babying DD and let her grow up a bit. I just laughed and said something along the lines of she IS still a baby in a lot of ways and I would just follow her (DD's) lead, but I did feel quite cross.
Then listened to mutual congratulations about how close their children will be to each other, conversations about how potty-training is going, big beds and naughty steps. I feel as if I am in a parallel universe. My Dd is normal for 20 months and seems about the same in development to my friend's children, but isn't showing signs of readiness for potty training (nor are my friend's children if accounts of accidents all over the house are anything to go by) or similar.
I am so proud of DD and how she is developing at her own pace, but I am tired of hearing how I should be getting her to grow up before IMO she is ready, or that I am somehow holding her back?!
So many people, (and I'm looking at family here as well) have age-inappropriate ideas of what to expect from children. It's not hard to read a book or look at mumsnet to see what's normal for a child's age.
From what I have remembered about child psychology, the bit of the brain that governs empathy isn't developed until about 4 years and this is reflected in the birth spacing of traditional hunter-gatherer societies, so the older child is self sufficient before another baby arrives. The contraceptive effect of regular toddler breastfeeding (plus other factors) accounts for this large spacing.
I am absolutely not claiming that this is a pattern we need to follow in western society, with myriad pressures that influence child-spacing. I don't even think I would necessarily want a 4 year gap. I am just trying to illustrate that a larger age gap is not actually unnatural (for our species) and from miserable personal experience a smaller age gap is not a guarantee of future closeness between siblings.
There is a bit of an air of martyrdom about this too, as though it's a bit shallow to think about your body recovering before having another-just do it, your kids will thank you. I actually felt really rundown after having Dd and still don't feel like my body has properly recovered enough to build another baby from scratch without being depleted further. This is my personal experience and of course many women feel absolutely fine and do really well with close-spacing, whether it's by choice or necessity because of time running out or childcare issues.
But this is how I feel.
So AIBU to think that if I spend months sympathising with the hellish time you're having, only to have you turn around and tell me I should have a go too, I'm not going to be terribly convinced?

I have an 8 year gap between my sibling and I.

I didn't like it.

Therefore I had my DC close together. I love it. It has worked perfectly for us.

Lots of great points here. However, I do think it's good to look long term along with short term. When my first DC turned one my DM asked if we were tt dc2. I hadnt considered yet as was pretty much lost in a first baby bubble and very content. She reminded me that with 2 years between myself and DB, I would need to get on with it. I did want an age gap similar to the one I enjoyed growing up. So we ended up with 22 month age gap. Short term it was tiring, v expensive to have 2 in childcare, and a lot for my body to take but it is what I wanted. Long term I have DC who are into the same things, hobbies, films, toys etc....2 playmates. For us that is what we wanted family life to be like. Look ahead along with the here and now and plan what is best for you.

chosenone - I have 4 year gaps between my kids and me and my sibling. Me and db do everything together we have lived together, have exactly the same circle of friends, rarely go on nights out without each other, and have been best friends since birth. 4 years is a pretty small gap.

There is 3.9 months between my two DDs, I love it!!!

There is no right or wrong, there is good and bad in every gap so just do what suits you. The personalities and the stuff life throws you unexpectedly are the things that really make the difference and you can't control for those.

Do what works for you. Luckily we are all different! My brother is 7 years older and we get on very well. I think it's down to the children whether thy are close or not, I don't think it's to do with the age gap at all.

Age gaps are not planned. How did they know you hadn't miscarried? Or had infertility issues? Rude of people to comment.

Age gaps are not planned. How did they know you hadn't miscarried? Or had infertility issues? Rude of people to comment.

There isn't a 'right time' six years between mine, not planned- that's the way it worked out! Go with what you feel is right for you, your 'friends' seem interfering, just because they have a small gap doesn't make it compulsory. Your family, your life, your choice!

I think everybody is hitting the nail on the head here. It just is nobody's business but ours and it is just too sensitive a topic to comment on repeatedly without risking upset or offence. Beemom I am so sorry. It must be incredibly hard to hear age-gap comments with your experience.
This post is really just the result of being fed up of 'hurry up' advice since Dd was tiiny, when FriendB would send me helpful articles about complementary feeding ('babies should be experiencing a range of solids from 4 months onwards'). I know the advice is meant well and given out of concern, but it's hard not to see contrary advice as interfering when you've made your own choices. There's also the insecurity which comes with being a PFB parent and wondering if you've chosen wrongly.
We are just different kinds of parents. There is no 'right' answer and that's fine.
Apologise for the essay in hunter-gatherer age gaps. Just trying to illustrate that what many consider too-large spacing would be considered absolutely normal in our pre-agricultural history. I hope nobody feels that the thread is too down on small gaps. I don't want that to come across because there are clearly pros and cons to any age gap. We have to do what's best for our individual families and sod the advice!

Sorry, there have been more posts whilst I was replying. I should clarify that I have seen here and in real life the opinion that 4+ years (sometimes 3+ years) will be too much for a close sibling relationship, that they will not have anything in common. I do think a family is what you make of it and personality and attitude has more to do with it than age, but am willing to be proved wrong if I'm fortunate enough to have a second

I have 8 years between ds1&2, 8 years between ds2&3 and less than 2 years between ds3&4.

It really is noone elses buisness what age gap you decide works for you. I suppose its nice that the little ones will have each other to play with but it didnt effect the old
er two, they had playgroup, friends children to socialise with.

It can be a pain choosing activities or holidays suitable for everyobe but we manage it.

Ds1 was 1m16 when ds3 came along and 18 when we had ds4. He loves them both to bits, plays with them, helps out and offers to babysit. Him and ds2 dont get on so well but thats more a clash of personalities than the age gap

I was asked constantly after having dd when we would be having another. Not a fan of the baby stage at all, so I didn't feel ready until she turned 2. It took nearly 2 years and 3 mcs to eventually get pg with ds. I've had a few comments about the age gap but it's no ones business but ours. Dd is a wonderful sister and they get on brilliantly.

DD will be coming up 4 when our next baby is born. I had originally wanted a smaller age gap, but breastfeeding stopped my periods until just before she turned 3 so we waited.

I'm a bit premature in saying this, as baby isn't born yet, but I've enjoyed DD being the age she is whilst I've been pregnant. She's old enough to understand that I get tired and achy, but has also developed a bond with bump and we talk about baby.

I think any age gap is difficult, and there will always be a form of jealousy, but equally each gap has it's positives.

Sometimes you don't get to choose age gaps. However, you can choose whether or not to be happy.

I have four years between DC1 and DC2. DC1 was unplanned I was only 18 and DH wasn't ready to ttc until she was nearly 3 then we had a wait for my periods to come back after being on depo.
There's four years between DSIS and I and we are incredibly close, and almost always have been. She is my best friend (and having her PFB today hopefully, I am sooo excited).
DD and DS1 are not very close on the surface. They have nothing in common at 13 and 9. They seem to annoy each other by breathing. However if one of them is ill they are like hens clucking round making sure the other is ok.
Due to finances and DH being unsure there is 6 years between DC2 and DC3. He is very different to the older two. A difficult baby BF every two hours for 6 months, had colic, didn't sleep. Hit the terrible two's with a vengeance. He is also a comedian and surprisingly caring, DD and DS1 love him to bits.
Due to a contraception error there is 16 months between DC3 and DC4. They are now 3.1 years and 21 months and the last three years has been a massive strain on DH and I. I think other factors played a part too. DH's job is now more stressful and he works longer hours. We are less well off, definitely the squeezed middle. DS2 and DS3 are just starting to not hurt each other on a daily basis. The older two adore DS3 and he has a very special bond with DS1.

I think even if siblings don't get on as children things change as adults. My best friend at school hated his older sister (18 month gap) and had nothing in common with his much younger sister (8 year gap). They live in the same apartment building now and see each other almost daily.

I have 22 months between ds 1&2 and 9 years between ds 2&3. I would have prefered a smaller gap (5/6 years) the second time but had 3 m/c so no choice. There are advantages and disadvantages to both.

Age gap is what you make of it. There's no right or wrong. You have to ignore comments about cracking on or just say outright that its not for you.

I don't have any friends as rude as yours. Have you known them years? Seem very overbearing. Some people just think their choices are the right ones.

I have friends who see it as a competition to get their child to grow up quickly. Don't let it bother me.

As for bf, again some people start to feel threatened by your choice to feed for longer. It does get seen in a negative light sadly. It's no one else's business what you do.

Personally I'm with you, I would never have wanted a small gap. I think it's been nice for ds to have more dedicated time as a treasured only child before dc2 turns up soon (3.4y age gap). Plus I wound have found it impossible to deal with him and give baby the attention s/he deserves when ds was younger.

Some people want small gap to 'get it out of the way' and do all the baby stuff at once. That's what's best for parent not best for baby.

I have 16m and 7y age gaps between myself & my siblings and we got on great as a family so I know first hand that age gap doesn't matter. It's probably more down to personalities how well children do or don't get on.

I'd change the way you deal with those friends or just back off. Find some nicer pals!

I have a largish gap between mine nearly 5 years I knew i didnt want a toddler and a baby so I didn't , I dont see how it is seen as any less selfish as having them close together could be said they dont get the attention as the parent is so busy with feeding and changing dirty bums etc etc, everybody is different and i don't think that children who are close together will be friends all children can fight and what not we do what we want and neither is selfish, my dds get on fine of course they fight but i have a friend with a year and a bit between her children THey fight too

I agree - people are always trying to justift own choices so project onto you.

Am about to have no 2 with 5 year gap so will let you know!

My kids are 18, 9 & 4. My DS18 is to my first husband and DD's are my second husbands. To be honest the gap between my daughters wasnt planned or discussed, it's just how it happened. I did have a mc before DD9. I liked the fact that I had time with baby just to myself as the older child(ren) were at school. After last birth I was physically and mentally drained so welcomed the time. My son turns 19 in April and his Dad's gf is expecting their first child so there will be 19 years between my son and his sibling.

On the other hand I know a couple with 3 children under 5, for me that would be tough and I know I would struggle to cope big time.

There's a 2 year age gap between my sister and I and we HATED each other growing up. A close age gap doesn't necessarily mean the children will be close. My sister and I still aren't close now.

There's going to be a 9 year age gap between ds1 and ds2 when he comes along this year. DS1 is a very broody kid, he loves babies and smaller children, his best christmas present last year was a baby doll. So I know he's going to be a big help.

I think different things work for different families, there is no perfect way to do it.

My two are nearly three years apart but due to the eldest being autistic he is developmentally closer to being two than the nearly four he actually is.

This worked well for us, it meant he was in in preschool five mornings a week from when the baby was born so I get a bit of a break but developmentally he is still close enough to my youngest son's age to enjoy some of the same toys and for it to be easy to plan activities that they would both like.

We do have some of the same problems as a closer age gap, my eldest has almost no self care skills, he needs me to dress him and feed him plus he is still in nappies. He also cannot follow instructions or wait patiently because I am sorting out the baby.

There is no guarantee though if we waited a few more years that wouldn't still be the case. After being stressed by him initially he does seem to really like his younger brother now, he is very keen to cuddle him.

I wont be having any more children but if I were to I would definitely wait till the youngest was three and getting his fifteen hours free preschool place. That seems to be the key to sanity!

My DC's are 7, 5, 3, 7m (all boys) and I'm 14w pregnant. So age gaps are 22m, 2y9m, 2.5y and 13m. The older 2 are closest I think and DS2 and DS3 argue all the time. That's mainly a personality thing though.

Perhaps someone else has said it- but you are wrong that intermittently feeding a toddler has a full contraceptive effect! It is only full breast-feeding that provides this in the early months, and even that is not 100%. Once you start mixing bf with other foods for your child, you may be fertile and your periods often will come back.
The chances of you getting three years of contraception out of ebf is nil, so this is not a good argument for spacing really.

I know at least two people who got pregnant in the first six months ebf, so be careful, if you don't want to have children close together then you have to use additional contraception/not have sex etc.