AIBU To think that my sis booking wedding two months before my own is wrong?

[immortalwife]

I have been engaged since Feb 27 2013. I have already booked my wedding and venue. My Sis got engaged on Xmas Eve and has just informed me that she has booked (and presumably put a deposit down) her wedding for June. Two months before mine, and I booked mine first. I just think its massively inappropriate, as it kind of has already overshadowed my own excitement and big event. She has also started saying things about me making sure my hen do doesn't clash with her honeymoon, and that because she will be married by then, that she doesn't feel its appropriate for her to link arms with a groomsman to walk down the aisle at my wedding, as she only wants to walk down the aisle by herself, with my dad, or with her future husband.

Aibu to expect her to fulfil her obligation as a bridesmaid and spend 30 second max walking down an aisle with someone else? And to be frustrated and upset that she's swooped in and sort of stolen my thunder?

I just feel like my mum isn't going to have time for me to do the special mum daughter wedding things with me if she has to now concentrate on 'rushing' my sisters plans so she's sorted for hers. And that upsets me. Is that stupid and unfounded?

Thanks bogey. Sounds horrendously tacky. Don't blame her for not wanting to participate, tbh.

This was meant to be advice on whether I was being unreasonable, OnesleeptilWembley, not opinions on my wedding and whether or not you find it 'Tacky'.

We aren't 'rushing' because that would stress out DF unnecessarily. He wants to try and be healthier and put weight on.

I didn't initially include my partners illness because I felt my question was more directed at how my sister could have perhaps approached the subjects better with me, not on whether or not she considered anything about her future BIL.

I have invited my sister out for coffee to see if we can sort it out as adults.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Bogeyface and SinisterSal my DF says he feels the love. Xx

Charming wembley.

Take no notice OP.

Well thanks for that Wembley!

We had the BMs and flower girls down the aisle first and then me and my father last, because we liked the idea and it worked.

We would have had GM if my DH didnt have 4 best men as he couldnt choose between them!

Right back at your DH2B immortal

You will have a wonderful day either way because you will wake up single and go to sleep married, and thats all that matters :) xx

YABU about when she choses to get married- it's 2 months before your wedding, not 2 days. She can get married whenever she likes.

Perhaps they got a good deal on the venue due to cancellation or something? Perhaps they didn't want a long engagement and wanted a summer wedding. Who knows, but you don't have any right to veto wedding dates.

This shouldn't "overshadow"your day- the wedding is primarily for you and your fiance to make a commitment to each other, and for close friends and family to celebrate that with you. I'm sure the day won't mean less to either you or your fiance because your DS chose to get married 2 months earlier, will it? I also don't think it will be any less special for your family or friends because you weren't the first to get married. I think your being a but daft, although I can see why you might feel a little "upstaged".

She is BU to expect you to arrange your hen do around her honeymoon, and also the stuff about who she will walk down the aisle with as your bridesmaid is very odd. Your wedding, you chose who does what- if she don't like it, then she doesn't have to be bridesmaid.

You are in a long term relationship, she by the sounds of it hasn't been but is the older sister. Do you perhaps have lots of older friends and relatives who patronized sympathised with her about not finding Mr Right and she couldn't face the thought of going through yet more of it at your wedding. Hence the desperation to get married first and have her married status obvious at your wedding?

(speaks as one who used to be subjected to unhelpful scrutiny of her marital status - but I wouldn't have upstaged my dsis).

Hope your DF manages to put the weight on and that you have a special day regardless.

From a guest's POV, it makes it all very expensive. Siblings got married within 6 weeks, both had massive mansion weddings, expecting us to pay for a family room in said mansion plus extensive travelling which, for a family of four was way beyond our means.

ya both bu.

YANBU, I would be raging! Has there always been rivalry?

If she is the older sister do you think she was a bit miffed that you had a baby first hence why she is making sure her wedding is first?

On a positive, after the wedding & honeymoon is over she'll be on a massive downer that her day is over, can't believe it went so quickly etc etc. . That's when you step in cause you still have yours to look forward to & can't WAIT, make sure you lay it on thick!

Yabu I booked mine at short notice because of a good deal it's up to her when she gets married.

The not holding arms thing is strange though.

You say your DF has a terminal illness and as you feel that attending 2 weddings 8 weeks apart will be too much for his health then it implies he is very unwell at the moment?

Could this be a factor in your sister's decision to marry so quickly? She wants to have a wedding that he can be involved with whilst he is still well enough to do so?

Another reason me and my DH got married so quickly - 5 months after he proposed - was because we both had very ill grandmas and as we so wanted them to see us getting married we did it quickly as we didn't know what the future held. Unfortunately my grandma passed away 3 weeks before the wedding but thankfully my DH's Gtandma was able to be with us.

Why don't you just ask your sister why the rush as opposed to angry guessing and speculation?? She may have a very, very valid reason.

YANBU I would be very upset (you sister sounds very selfish!) but you would BU to say anything, I am afraid unfortunately this is one of those things you are going to have to 'suck up'

I would point out to her how delighted you are to see her through her wedding as any little blips or mistakes you can rectify in your own a few months later. How nice to have a 'practice run' for the real wedding

OP, Spring weddings can be lovely... Just sayin

Does your sister know that your DF is unable to attend two weddings in two months? Because you say she hasn't discussed anything with you at all where dates are concerned. Perhaps she doesn't realise that your DF attending her wedding will interfere with him attending his own wedding? I think you need that coffee together to discuss it like adults because if you take away the later information about a terminally ill partner, I can't see the problem and it is possible your sister can't either. I don't know your sister's reasoning and I don't know how far it has been impressed upon her that her wedding can't be within two months of yours because of your partner's health. I suppose the other thing is, when IS she allowed her wedding? Because if she wants a summer wedding and has to have it more than 2 months away from yours, you think she should have a 2015 wedding? Have you considered reasons why she doesn't want to do that? Maybe she wants to ttc asap. Maybe she wants you and your partner there while he is well enough and thinks you'd like to be involved in her special day as a whole family. Maybe she's thinking of you after all. Trouble is, nobody knows until you ask her.

I'm going to two wedding 6 weeks apart this year. The groom of one and the bride of the other are siblings. Both are really enjoying making plans together and sharing notes. It's a lovely, happy time in the family. Nobody's thunder is being stolen at all.

You need to talk to your sister. Not in an accusing way but in an honest way and see what happens.

I went to a wedding last year where DH was a groomsman and he spent the whole time with his paired bridesmaid. They had to enter together, leave together and dance together for the first two dances and the last dance. I will admit to feeling a bit narked about it. With other groomsman duties, I barely spoke to DH all day and we didn't dance together once. He was honoured to help his friend out, but it would have been nice to celebrate his day as a couple, particularly as it was a childfree wedding and our first day/night together without the dc around for 7 years. And we spent it largely apart!

Showy that's a bit extreme.

I did this to my sister.

We had a time-frame decided for our wedding, but my sister got engaged before me and announced her date. We got engaged about two months later (at the time we planned), and announced our date which was two months earlier than my sisters. She was having an autumn wedding, I wanted a summer wedding, and didn't want to push it out another year.
My sister wasn't happy, and it showed in most of the wedding photos...

And to be honest, my wedding was done on the cheap, with not too much attention to detail (though I loved it, that is my style in general), and my sisters had a lot of lovely touches at her wedding. So she would have had the 'nicer' wedding.. But I don't think anybody really compared them, and people enjoyed both days for what they were. We had some people travel for one wedding, and other people travel for the other wedding. These were my moms sisters travelling from overseas, who were really there for my mom rather than the brides.

My younger sister and brother got married while my DM was terminally ill. I can totally see why your sister would want to get married sooner rather than later if your DF is very ill.

And since your DF is very ill, is it fair for either of you to be looking for a lot of support from your mom regarding your weddings? Surely she has enough on her plate?

And really, nobody is as interested in your wedding as yourself and perhaps your DH. Yes, your mom will be excited for you, and that won't change just because your sister is also getting married. And the last 4 weeks is when alot of the small details are completed anyway.

Finally, stick with a schedule that suits you, keeping in mind that it will look odd to organise a hen party while your sister can't make it (assuming that you actually would like her to be). And sort your sister out on her bridesmaid duties. She does it properly (including the duties prior to her wedding), or not at all.

Sorry to hear that your DF is ill.

However, given this situation, maybe your DSis wants to get her wedding out of the way so that it doesn't come to a point where the family are torn between grieving and celebrating?

I'm just glad I'm not your mum, stuck between two daughters getting all huffy about their respective big days.

It's one day of your life. You need to get some perspective. I don't understand the need for a "dream" wedding that involves months, even years of stress beforehand, as well as some seriously strained relationships.

And, if your father is ill, that's all the more reason to accept that your sister might have wanted to get married while there's a chance of him being able to see the day and all the more reason not to go down the route of "poor me, how can my wedding possibly be perfect without all the attention on me for months beforehand". A wedding is supposed to be a celebration, not a military campaign.

Yanbu. SIBU.

BUT she can't be a brides MAID, only a matron of honour. As someone said up thread, muhahaha. Dress her appropriately in a frumphorror and make her walk beside the usher anyway. She doesn't have to actually touch him.
Oh and get lovely frocks for the other bridesmaids.

I hope you have a lovely wedding!! I presume you will have something she doesn't anyway. A lovely baby bridesmaid / pageboy.

It's the op's fiancé not father who is ill.

OOOps see that DF is your fiance, not your father. Sorry about that!

Well, my mom made it to two weddings within a little big longer time frame that 2 months.

For my brother's wedding, she was not long out of hospital after very very major surgery. We didn't know until a few days before the wedding if she would be able to attend. To be honest, we didn't know for sure until the day of the wedding.

She went to the ceremony in the church. Then had a nap in the hotel room, came to the meal (didn't eat much), stayed and chatted until about 10pm, and then headed to bed in the hotel room. Had breakfast in bed, and took it very easy next day.

She was very tired for a while afterwards, perhaps a week or so.

Something similar might work for your fiance? My mom stayed around chatting until 10pm, as she was mother of the groom. And was catching up with relations and friends.

As future BIL to the bride, your fiance won't need to worry about that, so should be able to retire whenever he feels the need to.

And if it comes to it, and he isn't up to going to your sisters wedding, well he needs to look after himself, so should opt out. And like my DM, the decision doesn't need to be made in advance, but very close to the time. I'm sure everybody will understand.

Maybe your DS is like me and sees the point of getting married to be married, not the actual wedding? I could easily have done something like your DS and not thought twice about it. Because I want to get married, the actual wedding is just the way to do that.

I can see why you're a bit disappointed OP but I do think YABU. Your Dsis has got engaged and wants a fairly short engagement. There's nothing wrong with that. Her wedding is 2 months before yours, you can still both enjoy them and I'm sure your guests will too. I appreciate your reasons for having a long engagement which are good and legitimate. But you can't expect everyone else to put their lives on hold just because you're engaged. Sorry.

The linking arms with a groomsman thing is rather precious of your sister, but is that really going to affect your wedding really? I don't think so and surely your future relationship with your sister is more important than very minor details of your wedding?