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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To think that my sis booking wedding two months before my own is wrong?

186 replies

immortalwife · 14/01/2014 17:54

I have been engaged since Feb 27 2013. I have already booked my wedding and venue. My Sis got engaged on Xmas Eve and has just informed me that she has booked (and presumably put a deposit down) her wedding for June. Two months before mine, and I booked mine first. I just think its massively inappropriate, as it kind of has already overshadowed my own excitement and big event. She has also started saying things about me making sure my hen do doesn't clash with her honeymoon, and that because she will be married by then, that she doesn't feel its appropriate for her to link arms with a groomsman to walk down the aisle at my wedding, as she only wants to walk down the aisle by herself, with my dad, or with her future husband.

Aibu to expect her to fulfil her obligation as a bridesmaid and spend 30 second max walking down an aisle with someone else? And to be frustrated and upset that she's swooped in and sort of stolen my thunder?

I just feel like my mum isn't going to have time for me to do the special mum daughter wedding things with me if she has to now concentrate on 'rushing' my sisters plans so she's sorted for hers. And that upsets me. Is that stupid and unfounded?

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 14/01/2014 20:54

I'm with Sal here. MN has plenty of things but this is one I have found myself sitting on the other side of the fence for.

Original poster
immortalwife · 14/01/2014 20:55

Mellow and fruitful I am more upset about not being asked at all how it would affect our plans. Not that the wedding is before mine. Although it would have been nice for me to have my big moment first, as both my sisters tend to overshadow me frequently. I am going to sit down with her and discuss my own wedding and what I would like my bridesmaids to do, and just suck it up that she obviously didn't think about me when booking hers. As she wasn't engaged when I booked mine I didn't consider her really either.

I'm not a bridezilla to all the posters who have accused me as such - hence why I posted the thread for advice on how to deal with how I feel about it. My mum wants to be very much involved in both our weddings - that is her choice and that makes me happy to share it with her, so all those telling me to leave my mum out of the plans, that would be such a cruel thing to do to her.

My fiancé was rather concerned about the closeness of the weddings as he suffers from a terminal illness - which is why we had a baby first,not that its anyone's business which order I choose to marry or birth a child so he could enjoy more time with our daughter. He's worried he won't be able to put enough weight on for our wedding if he's worrying about another big event so close. And yes, to him 8 weeks sometimes isn't enough time to recover.

I hope that fills any gaps and answers people had. Thank you for all and any advice, I will think about, get over it, talk to her about etc. Cheers folks. Smile

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 14/01/2014 20:56

You are being unreasonable about having an elaborate wedding after you had a baby by your fiancé.

The 50's called and asked if they can have their attitude back.

Bogeyface · 14/01/2014 20:59

Immortal

I think if you had put in about your DH2B's illness (so sorry to hear about that :( ) then you would have had an easier ride.

It does make your sisters decision seem more U based on the fact that surely she knows about your circumstances. If I was your sister I would happily put it off for a year, knowing just how special this day will be to you and your DH2B.

As for the groomsmen thing, point out to her that you have decided that that is what is going to happen but that if she wants to look odd on her own, then thats up to her.

Lifeisamarathon · 14/01/2014 21:00

OP I haven't had time to read through the responses but my brother and SIL did this to me as well. I had my date set ahead 9 months and they married(shotgun) 2 months before me. Needless to say she was 4 months pregnant at the time...so what to say or think other than congratulations. Silently, I felt very bad for all extended family and guests as it was quite a burden to attend two weddings back to back and give gifts, imo. On my wedding day, SIL asked when I planned to have children and not thinking, as she was six months pregnant AND planning her baby shower(another gift giving event for family-eek) I told her we'd probably try a year later. You know what? She had her second child one week before I had my first....she planned all along for us to have our children together. SIL and brother kind of pouted at my baby shower as my Mum refused to include them as part of the showeras in they wanted another baby shower for themselves during my shower! Shock Anyway....that's how they are. They've since had 3 more children alongside other family members and friends so they could "share the experience" and be center stage.--

Xmasbaby11 · 14/01/2014 21:04

I don't think it would bother me, to be honest, because 2 months before is quite a big gap. And it's better than 2 months after. The wedding season (if you get married in the summer) IS short and it could be that she chose the furthest date from yours possible. There are so many considerations in planning a wedding, I don't think it's possible to consider everyone. If you think she has done it on purpose to rile you, that's really sad, but you shouldn't let it bother you.

Xmasbaby11 · 14/01/2014 21:08

Sorry, Op, your last post just came up. I think your DF's illness is a major factor and because of this, your sister could have been more considerate, so YANBU.

WaitMonkey · 14/01/2014 21:14

YABU, the weddings are two months apart. However she is being ridiculous about the aisle thing.

Sharaluck · 14/01/2014 21:15

Hmm I think you are being unreasonable.

If she was the younger sister I would be more supportive of you, but as she's the oldest it seems she might be trying to sneak in before you, and I think that is understandable.

However she has left a 2 month gap so I don't think she is deliberately trying to upstage you.

I would ask her if she wants to be the bridesmaid though as if she is making excuses about walking down the aisle she may want to cancel altogether.

Be happy that there is 8 weeks between your weddings, that is plenty of time. It is a shame you didn't realise that a risk to having a long engagement is that many things can change during this time that are out of your control and can impact on your wedding. That is a risk you chose to take.

Bogeyface · 14/01/2014 21:17

It is a shame you didn't realise that a risk to having a long engagement is that many things can change during this time that are out of your control and can impact on your wedding. That is a risk you chose to take.

May I suggest your read the OP's update, and then apologise for that comment?

Chippednailvarnish · 14/01/2014 21:20

Sorrty to hear that OP. I still think she's trying to upstage you.

Yould always sneak off and have a civil wedding the day before her and then announce it at her wedding. [Evil laugh]

WhenWhyWhere · 14/01/2014 21:20

Sorry about your DF's (darling Fiancés) illness. Thanks

It really wouldn't bother me if one of my brother is sisters did this and I wouldn't expect to be consulted. However, she is being a bit rude stating what she will and won't do at your wedding. Confused.

Do you all live close to each other? I suggest trying not to get involved in each other's wedding and possibly not even discussing them too much - otherwise it sounds like you might get into arguments or might start to get competitive with one another.

You just do your own thing and make sure you have a wonderful wedding.

SinisterSal · 14/01/2014 21:20

Oh your poor DFiance and poor you as well.

I would actually be raging with my sister if I was in your position, (instead of just annoyed)

She should have had the grace and concern to give you your moment in the sun, tbh.

Bogeyface · 14/01/2014 21:23

The more I think about this, the more cross I am on the OP's behalf.

As many people have said, its your day, wedding season is short, limit on venues blah blah.

But this isnt any ordinary wedding, it is far more than that and taking into account the DF's worry about attending both events impacting his health, the sister is being utterly selfish and vile.

She has the benefit of time, the OP and her DF dont have that. She should have had the good grace to step back and wait.

Lookingforadvice123 · 14/01/2014 21:28

I'm so sorry to hear about your fiancé. I was all set to say you were being a bit unreasonable as 2 months is a long time in wedding world (and I speak as someone who's getting married in 5 weeks time!) but as your circumstances are special, your sis could / should've been more considerate.

2014newme · 14/01/2014 21:34

All you can do now is protect your fiancé from any stress re your sis wedding, men don't normally get stressed re other peoples weddings so really hope that he is able to cope and be well enough for your day, that is all that counts really

Sharaluck · 14/01/2014 21:37

I don't understand the recent posts about how your df illness changes things.

Ops wedding is in august? If Dsis wants a summer wedding (which is very understandable) and needs to have it after ops that leaves her very little time! I think she must have considered this and that is why she chose the start of summer, leaving a 2 month gap. Why should Dsis have to wait a year to get married because of op?

WranglerCord · 14/01/2014 21:38

I'm sure you will both enjoy your days OP, and good luck for the future and all that it might hold. It was a bit unfair to withhold a massively significant piece of information which you then felt able to disclose. I'm sure some people would have modified what they have said if they had known- and been more sympathetic.

SinisterSal · 14/01/2014 21:40

Really Shara? You actually don't understand?

Bogeyface · 14/01/2014 21:42

Shara it changes things because the DF attending the sisters wedding and then 8 weeks later, his own, will affect his health.

Presumably the sister knows this (otherwise the Op wouldnt have mentioned it) so she is being supremely selfish to put this mans health on the line when she could wait a few months, or a year if she is set on a summer wedding.

As I said, the sister has the benefit of time which the OP hasnt. She could choose to step back and allow the OP and DF their special time, but she hasnt, she has shoehorned her own wedding in and to hell with the consequences on an already ill man.

Sharaluck · 14/01/2014 21:45

Yes I did read the ops update bogeyface and my opinion is strengthened. Having a long engagement is especially risky considering terminal illness. I'm sorry for any upset op but you asked if you were being unreasonable and I think you are! I think your sister's decision is fine. 2 months is enough of a gap.

Patchouli · 14/01/2014 21:48

I agree with Shara.

Yabu

piratecat · 14/01/2014 21:50

i think it's wrong and attention seeking.

Sharaluck · 14/01/2014 21:52

Df doesn't need to attend Dsis wedding Hmm im sure everyone would understand.

Sometimes I am baffled about aibu, ops ask if they are being unreasonable. People give their opinions. Isn't this the point? Confused

It is always a risk when you have a long engagement that things may happen that can change circumstances. That is a risk. Life happens. People get married, get sick, get pregnant, go on holidays, become bankrupt, move away. All these things can impact on the wedding party and guests.

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/01/2014 21:54

Very sorry about your Fiancé op.

Some really odd attitudes have emerged since your latest update. Not just different to mine, plain weird.