To stop inviting children to parties when they have not had a party themselves

[PMDD]

I just read another thread about their son not being invited to a party. It has raised an interesting point that I am considering this year.

On the whole, I believe that if you have a large party where all the children or all of one sex at the party, that you invite the whole class and not leave one, two or three off the list. Especially when the children are in infants.

I really enjoy a celebration and hold parties for my friends and their children (and friends with no children) at Easter, Summer, Halloween and Christmas. My children have a party each birthday every year.

It costs a fortune but it is my choice to hold the parties. Each children's party costs around £300 to hold and my children are born in May, June and July so it is an expensive quarter.

However, over recent years fewer children are having parties or are only having a party for a handful of children at home or taking them bowling or to the cinema. My children may invite 20+ children to their party, but only get to attend less than 4 each year in return.

There are 2 boys who never invite my sons to their house/party, so I have decided this year to have the party but not invite the children that never invite my children. This will mean that in my friend's social group there will be 2 children who are not invited. I feel this is reasonable, but from reading the other thread, perhaps I'm not.

Call me old fashioned but my children tend to draw up party invite lists based on who their friends are rather than what they are likely to get out of inviting someone in payback!!

YABU.

It's your choice to have a large party and not everyone does for various reasons. Like you say, the cost of holding a party can be huge and not everyone can afford it. Also, there are children who just don't like large gatherings and would rather have a small party or none at all. There are also some venues/activities which have a limit on numbers.

We had a whole class party last year and I would say that DS has had invitations back from about half the number we invited. I would much rather have children attend than not and would hate parents to think there was a return invitation expected. I think this may be the last year we do a whole class party (P1) as the children are getting older and want to do different (and more expensive) activities.

I think you're mad for inviting that many kids in the first place. A few of their mates - yes, the whole bloody class - no way!!

But, if you are going to invite that many, what difference will 2 more make?

So if you are poor and you can't afford to hold a party, you should never get invited to anything ever again?

Nice attitude to teach your DCs op.

Just this, OP. What a twittish attitude you have

I don't think you are being that unreasonable. It entirely depends on the circumstances.

I don't see anything wrong in theory in teaching your children that they don't have to suck up one-sided "friendships" for the sake of politeness.

I would not keep on inviting someone round for dinner as an adult who never made an effort to host back. It shouldn't be different for children.

No, the OP hasn't said it's about money, but when she has an annual party budget of over two grand and there's a bladddy credit crunch on don't you know, it's an easy conclusion to jump to. Posters are just pointing out that perhaps her children aren't getting as many return invitations as she expected because other parents can't afford big flash parties.

I have to say though, I'm slightly confused OP. You're having whole-class parties and there are only two boys who don't invite your sons to their parties? That's a pretty good return, I would have thought. How can you be bothered to be so petty? Do you have a Hyacinth Bucket style social organiser so you can see who's been to your Candlelight Suppers children's parties but not returned the invitation?

Agree with almost everyone else - YABU
If you "really enjoy a celebration and hold parties for my friends and their children (and friends with no children) at Easter, Summer, Halloween and Christmas. My children have a party each birthday every year" .... and have the time and the energy, as well as "around £300" to spend on a child's party several times a year, then that's great for you, go ahead and do it, but you can't expect everyone else to do the same.

If you resent doing it, then don't do it.

Over the years, my dc have attended some 'whole class' functions (not that many, I seem to live amongst more practical parents, but, each of them have probably been to a couple) but I've never hosted such a thing. When my dc have had a birthday celebration, they choose the (5 or so) friends they want to share that with. We don't keep a list of who has hosted the biggest party, so we feel obliged to invite them back.

However if you choose to host a big party, then it would be mean to exclude one or two from a list of 30 ish children.

YABU. A party is about celebrating your children's birthday in a way that makes them happy and suits your family finances/set-up. What other people do is irrelevant.
I can't afford £300 parties, and I don't have the space to invite loads of people round. I ask my dd what sort of activity she wants to do, find a package I can afford and then tell her how many friends she can invite.
Some years that is more than others, depending on cost. Sometimes it is the same people whose parties she has been to, sometime it isn't. She decides who, we invite them. That's it.
What matters is that she has a good time on her birthday, not me keeping other kids parents happy.

It's why I like teenagers, the last party DS went to was beer and a BBQ on the beach. They all brought something to the feast. No hassle and no exclusion.

Are you coming back OP?

God this thread is depressing.

I reckon YABU.

When DS1 was at lower school there were only 6 boys in his year ( tiny village school ) 2 of them had parents who were very hard up and so didn't have parties themselves. I would have felt like a total git if I left them out of DS1's parties because of that.

It's about celebrating with friends, not tit-for-tat invite finangelling.

YABU. Why not let your children choose which friends they'd like to invite. By the age of 6 my DC had definate opinions about who they did and didn't want to celebrate with.

Does the OP suffer from PMDD?

I'm dying to know what the OP will say to her DS when he asks why Tom and Harry aren't invited - you're not actually going to say that it's because they don't get invited back, are you? But then, not saying that would mean you'd have to lie to your DS. Lose lose, that sounds like.

Just have parties where your children's friends are asked.

We can't have a party for DS2 (yrR) because of a few reasons.

1. DS1 is disabled and the crowd of children would send him into panic
2. Our house is not large enough to have a "class" party at home
3. I can not afford to rent a place and have a party at another venue
4. Even if I could afford it, I could not "run" a party and still care for DS1 at the same time safely, and I currently have nobody that can safely care for DS1 at present.
5. DS2's birthday is during summer break, which means it's a nightmare to organise anyway and loads couldn't come because of holidays.

So I guess this means you'll be setting up a spreadsheet so you can keep track of who's "worthy" and who isn't?

When you hold a party each child comes with a gift, surely? That is 'payment' enough.

If you and your kids enjoy hosting a big party then carry on. Do people really count how many reciprications they get? The maths is wrong anyway OP - ''My children may invite 20+ children to their party, but only get to attend less than 4 each year in return. There are 2 boys who never invite my sons to their house/party, so I have decided this year to ... not invite the children that never invite my children. This will mean ... there will be 2 children who are not invited.'' There's more than 2 not reciprocating surely?

By the way - to the posters saying ''if you don't invite lots of kids then don't sit simmering about getting few invites back'' ... i doubt the majority of parents who can't afford/don't want to hold big parties DO sit simmering about the number of invites their kids are getting! I never did. To be quite honest i inwardly groaned when my DCs got a party invite as we struggled to find the money for presents and and party clothes.

I don't understand why the OP is getting such a hard time.

Yes, there are some people who can't afford large parties/don't have a big enough room to host/have health issues etc etc etc but for people who do have parties isn't it about reciprocating hospitality? I don't mean in a keeping a list sort of way but I do think it is slightly odd if someone is happy to continually accept invitations to a party (or tea/play date/whatever) yet never returns an invitation.

also, DD would hate a big party, she really struggles at the ones we've gone to where it turns out there are 30 children. So the last thing I'm going to do for her own party is invite a large number, which would distress her, just to satisfy parents like the OP. Quite apart from the cost etc.

Juts think OP - by having large parties your DC gets loads of presents, and by not being invited to so many you don't have to buy so many presents - I would have thought you'd like that.

Party clothes - since when is a child expected to dress up to go to another child's party? Have I missed some sort of etiquette?

Surely the days of frilly little dresses and sparkly shoes went out in the 60s. remembers wearing high heeled sparkly shoes to friends' parties. .