To stop inviting children to parties when they have not had a party themselves

[PMDD]

I just read another thread about their son not being invited to a party. It has raised an interesting point that I am considering this year.

On the whole, I believe that if you have a large party where all the children or all of one sex at the party, that you invite the whole class and not leave one, two or three off the list. Especially when the children are in infants.

I really enjoy a celebration and hold parties for my friends and their children (and friends with no children) at Easter, Summer, Halloween and Christmas. My children have a party each birthday every year.

It costs a fortune but it is my choice to hold the parties. Each children's party costs around £300 to hold and my children are born in May, June and July so it is an expensive quarter.

However, over recent years fewer children are having parties or are only having a party for a handful of children at home or taking them bowling or to the cinema. My children may invite 20+ children to their party, but only get to attend less than 4 each year in return.

There are 2 boys who never invite my sons to their house/party, so I have decided this year to have the party but not invite the children that never invite my children. This will mean that in my friend's social group there will be 2 children who are not invited. I feel this is reasonable, but from reading the other thread, perhaps I'm not.

If these two children do have parties and play dates and don't invite op dc, than they are not friends obviously so shouldn't be included in the invite. But if these two children never have parties or play dates than it is very mean. Some parents can't afford or just don't like doing these things. Dies not mean their kids should miss out. But to leave 2 out of a whome class party is mean

I can sort of understand the Op's point of view but if you enjoy organising parties, can afford it and your child wants to invite a large number of friends then I would carry on.

Personally I love organising childrens' parties, they don't have to cost much at all, when my DS was younger we would just have a party tea and games at our local village hall; but I can recognise that not everyone shares my view. I would also feel uncomfortable accepting lots of party invitations and then not reciprocating but plenty of people do. . My DS has invited one particular friend to three 'special' type birthday outings (which did cost a bit) but has never been invited back - and it is definitely not because this family can't afford it - but I've learned to just shrug it off. Life is too short to worry about this sort of thing.

Do what you and your child want to do and let others do the same.

Some parents don't have the time, money, space in their house for big parties. Some children might want to do something else.

Don't overthink children's relationships and school gate politics. That's where madness lies, you'll tie yourself up in knots.

OP, you say in your thread title the 2 children never have parties, and then in your opening post imply that they do but that your DCs aren't invited to them.

Could you clarify?

I always insisted that my DCs "asked back" children who had invited them as basic good manners.

After that it was up to them up to a certain number depending on what was going to happen. Usually 15 - 20. Some were out of school friends. That seems fine to me.

I would certainly never make them invite children who had been horrible to them just so that "everyone" could be invited.

I would say if you are that bored that you are keeping a checklist of who didnt invite your DCs to their parties, then you need to find something else to do.

Maybe the DCs you are talking about have parents that can only afford to take a few of their friends out for the day? And, maybe the parents of those DCs know what a delightful person you are and are excluding your DCs from their parties on that basis.

Who knows.

But tbh, if you are spending £900 a year on parties just so you can be that parent then the parties are clearly not about your DCs. They are about you

Otherwise you would let your DCs invite whoever they wanted.

My 3 children have each had one big party. I am not all that bothered whether they are invited to other people's parties or not but would be pretty pissed of if they were the only one or one of two not invited to a whole class party.

If they go to a party they take a card and a nice present. I don't think a reciprocal party should be necessary.

I sort of understand your viewpoint.

We haven't had a party for DS because we are new to the area (he's at Kindy, not school), I'm a working Mum who doesn't do drop-offs (and therefore the chit chat with the Mums), and his birthday falls right at the end of the summer holiday.

I don't have the contact details of the Mums to pass along invitations, and there's no way of getting invitations directly to the kids when they're all on hols.

We'd love to throw him a party, but our specific set of circumstances dictate that it's logistically pretty difficult.

However, I do sort of sympathise with how you feel - it must bum you out a bit to invite kids, and then not get invited to their parties.

I was shocked reading your post - what a horrible, materialistic attitude to have. You spend almost a thousand pounds in just a few months on children's parties?? Not everyone can afford things like children's parties for a classroom full of children and I think you come across as very rude, snobby and unfair.

When I was growing up we lived in a small house, my mom was a single parent and me and my sister had to share a birthday party. Due to the size of the house and the cost of throwing the party (only referring to basic food and party bags) we were only ever allowed 5 friends each.

Don't expect other families to do things that you do - not everyone will be living the same lifestyle as you and be able to be so frivolous with their money. I don't think I'd want my children socialising with yours anyway if they're being raised to think being so judgemental and selfish is acceptable.

My DD didn't have many parties because I couldn't afford it. She got invited to some parties but I wasn't worried. Less to have to fork out for presents. The more parties you get invited to the more it costs.

There is a girl at DD's school who regularly has around 30 children at her parties. This is at an age group where the "norm" is something smaller with 3 or 4 close friends. I wouldn't ask DD to invite her to her party as that would mean that a genuine good friend wouldn't get invited. TBH I assume people throw big parties because they like throwing big parties. Because there is no way that everyone at a big party can be a really close friend.

How nasty.
Not everyone is in the position to provide a party or birthday treat

I think the OP is getting an unnecessary flaming here. What i got is that the 2 boys who never invite her children back are the children of her friends (which suggests to me that the parents are financially able to have a party or playdate if they want). Parties don't have to be super expensive. I like the OP would get fed up if my hospitality was never returned. Perhaps their parents should have the manners to return invitations where possible particularly if the OP has entertained their children multiple times.

The OP also stated that for years when the children were little she made sure noone was left out so lets not give her such a hard time.
YANBU

OP could you clarify if these children do invite other children to parties or playdates?

I often try to turn up to a party out of good manners if I can, or send my dd to parties she has been invited to, where possible. If you don't go it seems a bit unfriendly and if a smaller party could mean the party is less fun if several people don't go. my friend has a child with aspergers and before he was diagnosed he seemed to have behaviour problems, so many kids did not get on with him, once she gave a party for him and no-one came, even after saying they would. This has always stuck in my mind and now I always try to go along if I am invited even if I won't be holding my own party in return.

You sound horrible.

It's not just about manners though.

Some people just can't return invitations, and not just for financial reasons.

what happened to matching the age of the child to the number of guests?? children's parties seem to have gone mad and completely ott in the UK recently. Ds is 6 and has been to maybe 5 birthday parties in total, and never a whole class party. his cousin, in the UK, was at more than 20 parties in a single year at nursery!!!madness.

anyway op, I think you Abu and if you want to throw these lavish parties, then you do it because you want to, not so that people can reciprocate accordingly. if you feel you are getting taken advantage of, then stop hosting so many parties and find something else to do with your time and money. but dont single out children who probably have no say at all as to whether they even have a party or not.

In my experience, the parties do get smaller as the children get older, and I think that's what you're seeing here. However, I'm slightly confused that there are only 2 kids you're able to identify as non-inviters, but you say that your children get 4 return invitations a year out of 20+ party-goers…

Anyway, I'd say, see if your kids fancy a smaller party this year with just their closer friends, say, 10 max? You can still have your large family parties if you like. But it's not much fun to feel that your hospitality is being taken advantage of. (and if it's any consolation, the large parties come back in later teenage years…)

I'm on the fence, its a little like play dates where lots are happy to send their children off but never invite back.

I let DS choose his guest list but add on anyone whose party he has attended as its good manners.

You hold SEVEN parties a year??
3 birthdays, Christmas, Halloween, easter and summer?
You sound like a nightmare tbh!

Pesto - yes but some people can afford parties, have the space etc etc but just don't invite your child back for whatever reason. That can be hard - and yes, I know 'that's life' and it is a useful lesson to learn etc etc.

If my DS had accepted a previous invitation to someone's party and we were having a party for my DS then I would expect him to invite that person back. If he isn't prepared to do so then I don't think he should accept the original invitation to the other child's party (IYSWIM ).

This happens at my DD's school all the time....they don't invite if you don't invite and so on. Most of the time it's the mothers choice who gets the golden ticket of an invite....it's ridiculous.

I invite the children my DD wants at HER party...it's her party after all. If she doesn't get an invite back then that's life...

yabu - no need to repeat all the reasons but the reciprocal civility for being invited to a party is to take a card and gift, not to be invited back. Same goes for weddings - if you choose to have a big do with 250 guests that does not put you at the top of the guest list for those distant cousins and less-close friends who came to yours but choose a small wedding with 20 guests for themselves. Same principle.