To stop inviting children to parties when they have not had a party themselves

[PMDD]

I just read another thread about their son not being invited to a party. It has raised an interesting point that I am considering this year.

On the whole, I believe that if you have a large party where all the children or all of one sex at the party, that you invite the whole class and not leave one, two or three off the list. Especially when the children are in infants.

I really enjoy a celebration and hold parties for my friends and their children (and friends with no children) at Easter, Summer, Halloween and Christmas. My children have a party each birthday every year.

It costs a fortune but it is my choice to hold the parties. Each children's party costs around £300 to hold and my children are born in May, June and July so it is an expensive quarter.

However, over recent years fewer children are having parties or are only having a party for a handful of children at home or taking them bowling or to the cinema. My children may invite 20+ children to their party, but only get to attend less than 4 each year in return.

There are 2 boys who never invite my sons to their house/party, so I have decided this year to have the party but not invite the children that never invite my children. This will mean that in my friend's social group there will be 2 children who are not invited. I feel this is reasonable, but from reading the other thread, perhaps I'm not.

I have 3 dds and only dd1 has had a small tea party (3 friends) at home because I cannot afford a large party and my house and garden is tiny so can not accommodate loads of kids. I'd be really upset if my dds were excluded just because we do not have a lot of spare money. :(

Beyond belief. I had to check you weren't a nasty troll - it appears you aren't a troll at least.

You are going to select children on the basis of whether their parents host parties for them or not? Really? Really? You are going to leave out 2 children who have NO say in whether they have a party or not.

Nasty.

If you want to host big parties several times a year then do it - if you resent it, then don't.

My children hate big parties. They get invited to lots, many we end up declining anyway as cant make/ they don't want to go. Therefore we only invite a few friends for their party 3-5 max.

If you want to invite while class that's up to you, but I hate going to all of them and they don't like so don't expect everyone to do the same in return.

Do what you wish, my DS (5) doesn't have birthday parties, and I can't see it changing. The reason being, he was born a week before Christmas and, for his 1st birthday I tried to get a few people together and most of them called off at the last minute as they had last minute Christmas things to do. So I am therefore very reluctant to spend that £300 figure you mentioned, only to have people let me and my son down at the final hurdle. I therefore don't hold it against people if they don't send him a card or present, in future years, when he has a few 'best' friends I might do something at home (very small house), or take them to McNandos or a soft play to make the occasion.

If this means that, by return, my son doesn't get invited to parties (which is doesn't as he has got 5 lined up already this year!), so be it. It saves me trecking round the shops and spending money on a gift for a child I know little or nothing about ... Hooray!

YABVVVU!!

We are having a party soon and there are a few children that DS doesn't really get on with but I told him that he couldn't exclude a few as that wasn't nice and he is ok with it now.

You are teaching your children that you only give to receive. What a great message.

How horrible.

This has really made me feel sad.

There are children in both my kids classes who will never have a party of their own, for various reasons, lots tragic in themselves. Why would anyone exclude them on that basis?

I suggest you pay less for your children's parties OP and try giving a bit more from the heart.

YABU.
We've managed to have 3 children in the school holidays believe it or not so party invites when not everybody uses social media or remembers to give out phone numbers is a bit of a logistical nightmare!
My 2 older children have never really been into parties and have never requested one of their own bat, if we have suggested one in the past then they might take the offer up but it's very rare that they want to do anything other than cinema/meal out or bowling. We have BBQ's in the summer and host Christmas but I would never expect a reciprocal invite or keep a tally of who invited us back, in fact I prefer hosting to being a guest IYSWIM.
You seem to be forgetting that the parties are about your children celebrating with their friends, not an extension of your social life.

You throw a party and invite 30 children.
They each bring a present.
Times that by 3 and in the space of 3 months your DCs receive 90 presents.
What's your problem?

for people who do have parties isn't it about reciprocating hospitality?

Err, no it's not. It's about hosting something for your friends without any expectation to be invited back. Nice if you are, not the end of the world if you're not. Why should an invite have a condition on it?

My youngest dd has had friends over to play who haven't invited her back. I don't even know the reason, maybe they're busy, have other dc etc. So I'll invite the child again if they are friends and want to play together. Who cares if it's our house or theirs?

And who's got time to keep mental lists of who's been invited to whose?

ragwort - i'm sorry if you think the idea of a child wanting to wear something smart/new to a party is .

My DDs rarely had new outfits (we had lots of hand-me-downs and would they would wear clothes till they were very warn out) and when they were invited to a party they would want something new/not a bit holey or worn out to wear. Not a frilly dress FFS How patronising of you.

but I do think it is slightly odd if someone is happy to continually accept invitations to a party (or tea/play date/whatever) yet never returns an invitation
ummm they are children?

I'm expecting DC4, and if all the DC had parties, we would go bankrupt. So it is fairer to say to the children "no parties" and instead we do a fun family thing for the day which they have a large say in.

Another reason is that we have no family support and having never organised a party on my own, I am not brave enough to try. I'm actually quite shy and never really know how to deal with other people's children - the thought of organising a party brings me out in a cold sweat.

We do the odd playdate which I try and reciprocate as much as possible but a full on party is another matter entirely.

We accept pretty much every invitation as I am of the opinion that it's for the party child's benefit that my DC go too, and always bring along a lovely thoughtful present and card. Now I am wondering if some of the other parents think we are awful

Surely the days of frilly little dresses and sparkly shoes went out in the 60s.

surprisingly, not. We were at a 4 year old girl's party at the weekend and just about every little girl there was wearing some kind of frou frou/ballet/ flouncy skirt. I was quite surprised, DD had insisted on wearing hers (annoying, as getting her into her car seat with it on is like something out of Big Fat Gypsy Weddings) and I though she might be the only one, but not by a long chalk.

We are doing a party for the first time this year, despite having been to lots over the last two years so I'm in the same boat as the woman formerbabe is talking about "my friend has 3 kids (8,9,10) who have never had a birthday party sad She attends every party she is invited too...I think it is a bit of a cheek to be honest"

I assume that if we are invited to a party it is because we are wanted there, on that basis we go if we can. I always send a present, usually I try to buy and stock up in the sales, so often only spent £5 but the item might have been reduced from £10-£15. It is an expensive business sending them to parties!

fluffy - I don't mean to be patronising, sorry; perhaps because I have a son who only wears hand me downs and it has never occurred to me to buy him a new outfit for a party.

Would someone please answer this point - if you absolutely know that your child's friend is having parties but not inviting your child back, would you be 100% happy about continuing to invite them to your own party? Nothing to do with money/space/numbers/SN etc etc?

My dsis birthday fell right at the end of the summer holidays as does ds. Only a quarter of invitees actually attended organised parties despite everybody replying.

We are hit and miss, some years we might have a party, some years we won't.

Dd's birthday falls on the may bank holiday so we haven't yet held a party for her.

Whilst they are young they normally enjoy a trip to Sundown or similar.

shocking ,
yabu

Also can confirm that a dress is an absolute must for a party according to mine. The more sparkles the better is apparently the rule they judge a dress on

I'm just thinking about the friends my 3 DDs used to regularly have over after school for tea and play. At least one per week each.

Of those friends there were a few who's parents never reciprocated. 9 times out of 10 i knew the reason - it was usually to do with parents working hours, child minders involved, lack of transport in the evening, or, in one case, the child had 8 siblings and their little house was just too bursting at the seams all the time to have guests for tea!

I never said to DDs, sorry darling, you cant have X,Y or Z round to play any more, because their mummy never invites you to hers. Wouldn;t have dreamed of it! Why is it different for parties?

Ragwort There are a few DC that we are inviting to the first party we are hosting mainly because we have now been to several parties hosted by that family, and whilst our DC don't really play together much anymore, it seems the right thing to do to invite them to our party.

ragwort -

Yabvu.

I can't be doing with all the keeping tally of who owes who what sort of invitation.

I keep it simple. I allow my children to invite the children they like (within the limit of my budget). I let them attend the parties they want if we are available. If they ask for a friend to come and play, I agree (although I get to pick the day).

Looking at last year's diary, it pretty much balanced out. But that was luck rather than concious effort.

It's not the children's decision if their parents don't hold a party for them. So I think YABU.

Yes I would ragwort if my child wanted them there. Otherwise you'll have the following - birthday child makes guest list, parent notices one child on the list has never reciprocated the invitation. So you tell your child you can't invite him/her either because a) you lie, or b) you tell them the real reason, i.e. they haven't invited him.

What sort of example is that setting your child? A horrible one, that's what.