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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop inviting children to parties when they have not had a party themselves

333 replies

PMDD · 13/01/2014 08:07

I just read another thread about their son not being invited to a party. It has raised an interesting point that I am considering this year.

On the whole, I believe that if you have a large party where all the children or all of one sex at the party, that you invite the whole class and not leave one, two or three off the list. Especially when the children are in infants.

I really enjoy a celebration and hold parties for my friends and their children (and friends with no children) at Easter, Summer, Halloween and Christmas. My children have a party each birthday every year.

It costs a fortune but it is my choice to hold the parties. Each children's party costs around £300 to hold and my children are born in May, June and July so it is an expensive quarter.

However, over recent years fewer children are having parties or are only having a party for a handful of children at home or taking them bowling or to the cinema. My children may invite 20+ children to their party, but only get to attend less than 4 each year in return.

There are 2 boys who never invite my sons to their house/party, so I have decided this year to have the party but not invite the children that never invite my children. This will mean that in my friend's social group there will be 2 children who are not invited. I feel this is reasonable, but from reading the other thread, perhaps I'm not.

OP posts:
trice · 13/01/2014 09:08

I hate the "party industry". How many parents can afford £300 for a party? I know I can't.

My ds's favorite party was when we invited fifteen boys to the park and fed them all a can of vimto and a pot noodle. It cost about £1 a head and they had a ball. Kids can play without direction or supervision - they make up their own games.

Op, if you spend less on the party perhaps you will enjoy it more?

Tiredemma · 13/01/2014 09:08

If you do throw 7 parties a year I think you are a bit show-offy to be honest, and not my type of person. So you would probably be pleased to know that I would most probably decline your invitations anyway.

One less peasant to feed.

pigletmania · 13/01/2014 09:12

Mine are macdonalds parties all the way. Free room, soft play area, and £2.30 food a head, can't go wrong.

pianodoodle · 13/01/2014 09:13

There are 2 boys who never invite my sons to their house/party, so I have decided this year to have the party but not invite the children that never invite my children

You mean not invite the children whose parents don't have as many parties as you.

Nice attitude.

SilverApples · 13/01/2014 09:16

When my DD had parties, I let her invite her friends. I had no idea I was supposed to keep a check list of how many parties she'd been invited to and by whom.
Far too Victorian an attitude for me.

HowYaLikeThemApples · 13/01/2014 09:18

We've just had a birthday party at home, family only, no other children invited. It's purely down to money. I just can't afford to do birthdays anymore, I did years ago and realised I was stressing about it far too much. I would hope my DC's wouldn't be excluded from party invitations as I don't really want to have to parade my financial worries down at the school to avoid people thinking I've not invited them out of spite (christ IS that what they're thinking?)

olympicsrock · 13/01/2014 09:21

At no point has the OP said this is about money. I don't know why people are being snippy talking about 'peasants' etc.

Trice - we went to a great party in the local playground. Mum took a picnic tea of sandwiches, squash and cake and the children played on the climbing frame etc. There are plenty of cheap options and you don't need a big house.

I do think that parents need to make the effort to reciprocate. If you don't then don't expect return hospitality.

tinselkitty · 13/01/2014 09:21

What about children that would hate to be the centre of attention for 20+ other children for their party. Should they have a huge party and hate it just so they get to go to their friends parties later in the year.

MyDH and I are comfortably off money wise but I wouldn't dream of spending £300 on a party just so we could invite lots of children.

UABU

formerbabe · 13/01/2014 09:21

I feel really sad for children who don't have parties...it doesn't need to cost that much. My friend for instance has a lovely big garden and her kids have summer birthdays...inviting their friends over for a party would not be too expensive. Its not the fault of the kids.

3bunnies · 13/01/2014 09:23

I enjoy parties too and have done whole/half class parties but as they have got older I have found that my dc want fewer friends but do more complicated/ expensive things. Maybe it is time to re-evaluate what is important to your dc. Would they like a big party or one of the smaller ones. If they want a small party get them to draw up a list of 5-10 children, if the boys are in that list then fine but if not then drop them. How old are your dc?

I find a smaller house party can be just as fun to organise - they are just different styles. Maybe make the Halloween/Christmas etc ones a bring a dish style parties then you won't feel quite as much that it is always you doing everything.

So you would be unreasonable to drop two boys just because they don't have parties but you wouldn't be unreasonable to reassess how you run your parties. We did big ones for 4&5 when everyone is their friend and then smaller ones from yr 1 onwards when they can produce a reliable list of their close friends.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 13/01/2014 09:29

I have 2 DC and £600 would mean a cheap caravan holiday for a week.

I don't do parties and ds don't like them and can't cope so always RSVP as a no ASAP.

AwfulMaureen · 13/01/2014 09:32

Blech. What an ugly attitude OP. I can't have parties for my DDs every year...when I do, I invite all the children in the youngest's class and for my older, I invite her best friends and anyone else who has invited her....that's it....if one of her mates excluded her because I did not have a party last year then I would not encourage that friendship any more.

WaitMonkey · 13/01/2014 09:36

Just read the op. I think that's a horrible attitude to be honest. Not everyone can afford to host large £300 parties or even small parties. Why should the dc miss out on being invited to events ? Really mean. Off to read the thread now.

BrianTheMole · 13/01/2014 09:37

I think as kids get older they generally have smaller celebrations anyway. I have noticed this in my 6 year olds class. My 6 year old had a party last year and invited everyone. She got invited back to some of the smaller ones but not all of them. I think thats ok though, we had a big party because we wanted to do one. I couldn't leave just a couple of children out, its not nice. A small party where theres about 6 is fine, the child has just been told to invite their closest friends. No one should feel annoyed about their child not being invited to that. I didn't, although I had to explain to dd why I thought that was ok. But having a big party and leaving a couple out is a bit tight.

CinnamonPorridge · 13/01/2014 09:37

Our children invite who they want. The only condition is they have to invite those who invited them.
We've had children at our house (smaller parties) and at hired halls for parties who have never had a party themselves.

The scenario would be different if a child repeatedly didn't invite my child, and not for obvious space restrictions. Then I would probably say something. Hasn't happened yet though.

The only time I intervened was recently when my dd2 didn't want to invite of her best friends to her party. Turned out that another friend had said she doesn't like him and if he came she wouldn't. They are all 4/5 and I was quite Shock

GlitzAndGiggles · 13/01/2014 09:38

So kids like me when I was little would miss out because our parents can't afford to splash out so much, 7 times a year. Don't punish children who will have to sit and listen about the party they missed out on at the weekend because they're too poor to host

lastnightopenedmyeyes · 13/01/2014 09:38

YABU. The poor children who do t have parties - it's not their fault and they will just feel left out and un- liked Confused I think it's very mean-spirited to have this attitude personally.

FourAndDone · 13/01/2014 09:39

Op- you sound like a child yourself, selfish, vindictive and mardy.
Probably about time you grew up and realised it's not worth sweating the small stuff.
Don't you just want all the kids to have a good time?

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 13/01/2014 09:39

Glad to see everyone thinks this is unreasonable and unpleasant! It's all been said, OP - not a nice or a fair thing to do.

secretsofsanta · 13/01/2014 09:39

Are you kidding me? Its your choice to have parties, loads of reasons why not all dcs have parties. I have found as dc get older they tail off anyway.

stealthsquiggle · 13/01/2014 09:39

OP you are so definitely being unreasonable that I don't even know where to start.

Not having parties is fine and there are lots of reasons (ranging from can't afford it through can't face it to DC don't like big parties) that people don't. There are plenty of DC that I know have never had a party, and I have not enquired why as it is clearly none of my business.

Having small parties/other activities is fine.

Having whole class parties is fine. I do, as it happens, because I love doing them and my DC enjoy them and they won't want to for much longer so I am enjoying it while it lasts. Whole class or less than half is my rule of thumb - so never leaving a minority out.

It has never, ever, crossed my mind to build a guest list based on who invited my DC to their parties. That is just mean and divisive.

..also, if your DC were only invited to 4 parties, doesn't that mean that you should have a guest list of 4, rather than excluding 2? Or do you have something else against those 2 in particular Confused?

Thetallesttower · 13/01/2014 09:40

One of my dd's best friends has never had a birthday party, she doesn't even bring presents to my dd if we invite her for an event as she lives with her older grandparents in difficult circumstances and they don't realize what the right thing is to do. On your values, we should exclude her then?

OP I am speechless, have a party, don't have a party, but whoever said you don't understand the meaning of the word hospitality was right.

melika · 13/01/2014 09:41

Stop having all 20+ parties then, it costs an arm and a leg anyway, I couldn't stand the stress of it!! My kids did not have parties every year anyway.

Every year, a certain Mother would not invite my son to her sons party there were only 11 boys in the class and that really did get on my nerves, somehow I always 'forgot' to invite hers.

gamerchick · 13/01/2014 09:43

It doesn't make much odds to me.. my SN youngling never gets invited to parties so we have special days out instead because I wouldn't know who to invite to one.

Reading your post made me feel sad and I'm not quite sure why. Is that what it's like these days? :(

impatienceisavirtue · 13/01/2014 09:46

Yes, quite clearly YABU and fairly unpleasant. I am shocked you could think otherwise.