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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop inviting children to parties when they have not had a party themselves

333 replies

PMDD · 13/01/2014 08:07

I just read another thread about their son not being invited to a party. It has raised an interesting point that I am considering this year.

On the whole, I believe that if you have a large party where all the children or all of one sex at the party, that you invite the whole class and not leave one, two or three off the list. Especially when the children are in infants.

I really enjoy a celebration and hold parties for my friends and their children (and friends with no children) at Easter, Summer, Halloween and Christmas. My children have a party each birthday every year.

It costs a fortune but it is my choice to hold the parties. Each children's party costs around £300 to hold and my children are born in May, June and July so it is an expensive quarter.

However, over recent years fewer children are having parties or are only having a party for a handful of children at home or taking them bowling or to the cinema. My children may invite 20+ children to their party, but only get to attend less than 4 each year in return.

There are 2 boys who never invite my sons to their house/party, so I have decided this year to have the party but not invite the children that never invite my children. This will mean that in my friend's social group there will be 2 children who are not invited. I feel this is reasonable, but from reading the other thread, perhaps I'm not.

OP posts:

Dollydishus · 13/01/2014 13:57

Totally agree catsmother.

OpalQuartz · 13/01/2014 14:01

For my eldest's last birthday catsmother she wanted to take one friend to a theme park. We used Tesco vouchers that we have built uo with our weekly shop for it, so it effectively cost us nothing, although we paid for the child to have a meal there. I can't remember if she had previosuly been invited to other children's party that year, but of course in that instance we didn;t feel that we had to return invitations, as we were only taking one child. I'm sure no offence was caused. I've kind of forgotten what it is I'm defending myself against and what it is you're annoyed about, but if we were having a bigger party we'd try and return invites as well as invite friends they picked. I hope that answers your question!

Wantapony · 13/01/2014 14:11

YANBU in theory to want to exclude children whose parents are financially/physically able to host your DC for playdates and parties but never do, especially when you include their children time and time again. However, I don't think you should actually go ahead and do it, unless you decide to host a small party. What stops me is how it might impact on DC friendships.

Ragwort · 13/01/2014 14:15

Linerunner - I know, people seem to be ignoring that point and bleating on about parents not being able to afford parties, don't have the space, etc etc. Yes, I am sure those are all genuine reasons but when you know another child is having a party (which is not limited by space/finance/insert genuine reason of your choice ) then it is does seem a little rude when invitations are not reciprocated.

redcaryellowcar · 13/01/2014 14:25

i haven't read whole thread but think yanbu. please don't think this as a criticism but you can do a party for less than y£300, most of my parties as a child were games at the house followed by party tea, which was sandwiches, snacks, crisps and a cake, all homemade, nothing elaborate! what i am trying to say is its possible to host children's parties or playdates without spendinga fortune and therefore i would feel parents are being a bit lazy rather than not inviting for other reasons. my dh thinks sometimes people don't return invitations as its a hassle to prepare and then tidy up afterwards. i have stopped offering playdates to a few friends as invitations back were sometimes non existent!

2tiredtocare · 13/01/2014 14:26

It is a bit rude but maybe the children having those parties are choosing the guest list and don't want the OP's child there?

MrsOakenshield · 13/01/2014 14:27

I think this is the crux of the matter yet most posters are ranting and raving at the OP saying she is shallow and mean. If my DS accepts a party invitation then when it is his party I remind him that this child should be invited. That to me is good manners and a message I want to teach my child

that's as may be, but how do you know that your child is getting invited to parties where the party-giver actually wants all these children to be there? I asked DD who she wanted to be at her birthday and she told me, she gave me 4 or 5 names of children she talks about a lot and who she clearly interacts with the most. She has been invited to a couple of parties by children who she has never ever mentioned to me and I have no idea who they are! In those cases they have been big, approx 30 children there parties. We have gone it seems polite to go if she's been asked, and she's too little to understand the nuances of not always going to a party, but (as in the case this weekend) the party girl didn't interact with her once which suggest that perhaps she wasn't that bothered about DD being there, and in actual fact DD didn't have a great time as it was too full on.

If those parents want to invite my child to their child's party that's fine. But I don't have the space or money to invite children to DD's party who she never mentions and clearly aren't close friends, and I don't see that that's wrong. Perhaps those other parents should be teaching their children to distinguish between friends and the entire class. (DD did mention inviting a boy to her party who is certainly a character but who I know she actually never plays with, so I suggested that he wasn't one of her close friends and that's who we'd stick with, which she was fine about.)

OpalQuartz · 13/01/2014 14:29

In that case it definitely wouldn't be rude for the OP to not invite them back.

memememum · 13/01/2014 14:29

Your children repeatedly invite 20+ guests despite only being invited to 4 parties themselves each year. This might mean that they see their parties as a time to celebrate with friends, rather than just an opportunity to get invitations in return.

OpalQuartz · 13/01/2014 14:29

(replying to 2tired)

AnneWentworth · 13/01/2014 14:32

That's ridiculous. We invite who the DC want up invite with a limit on numbers. We don't have parties to be invited back. My DC tend to have a small social group and stick to this, they sometimes get invited to others but we don't stress about it. Is there really this much angst about parties?

Rowlers · 13/01/2014 14:48

IME most parties are crap anyway.

elQuintoConyo · 13/01/2014 14:53

I never had a birthday party, DM "didn't want lots of kids running through the house". By age 6 I wasn't invited to any more because of this.

Not even alowed friends over to play. That
was ostracising.

So, yabvu OP. I was that child.

2tiredtocare · 13/01/2014 14:54

I think you'd be right Opal

catsmother · 13/01/2014 14:59

OpalQuartz - I'm not annoyed by people like you - what you did with the Tesco vouchers is perfectly fine. Your business, and a good idea! We've also taken my youngest's best friend to a zoo for example on a special deal, but couldn't take more than one in the car.

What I'm annoyed about - if I've read correctly - are the few respondents on this thread who seem to think that if you have a party - of any size or description - then you "should" invite back all those kids your child's had an invite from in the past year, or else you're not being "good mannered".

In an ideal world maybe, but at the risk of repeating myself yet more - some people can't afford it, other children feel overwhelmed by large numbers or by being centre of attention, maybe your house won't accommodate more than x number etc etc.

duckylou · 13/01/2014 15:17

I have heard this from a mother i know. She commented that she made notes of the childrens' birthdays !! and didn't invite those children that did not invite her daughter, to their party .

Very self-serving and calculating..... of course there was other stuff, envy, etc , it wasnt only in the domain of parties.

SuzanneUK · 13/01/2014 15:18

Never mind the bollards. Let's get down to what's really important - your child's happiness.

Inviting friends will not create any new friends. That's common sense.

Inviting some friends while excluding others will similarly create no new friends but - and here's the point - it will probably lose some friends and might even create some enemies.

Only the most spoiled of spoiled brats 'needs' a party. For all other kids, I suggest you look at your invitation list and then invite everybody who probably feels s/he has as much right to be there as the least popular kid who is on the invitation list.

If that isn't practical - have no party.

2tiredtocare · 13/01/2014 15:23

That's pathetic ducky I know the birth month of the girls in my eldest class as its a small school and they've been having parties together for years but I wouldn't notice if the month passed with no party or invite, I know a mum who invites all bar one of the class and she makes sure that the non invitee and her mum know about the party, spiteful

JupiterGentlefly · 13/01/2014 15:23

I can't afford parties. Ever. My son is going to a party on Friday and I won't be returning the favour because I can't. Should I stop him going?

Tiredemma · 13/01/2014 15:58

I can't afford parties. Ever. My son is going to a party on Friday and I won't be returning the favour because I can't. Should I stop him going?

No.

twinkletoedelephant · 13/01/2014 16:21

Just had dt2 in tears all his class were talking about xxxxxx party they went to yesterday it was in a hall so I don't think numbers were an issue it seems out of a class of 30 26 kids were invited the same ones that went to nursery together. How do I explain to a 5 yr old he was excluded because mummy sent him to a different nursery school even the teacher has mentioned the divide between children from xxxxxx nursery and the 4 children from other places :(

I am also aware of another 3 parties over the next few weeks he has also not been invited too where again the same children will be going :( it seems he will never fit in in this class

SpocksThirdEar · 13/01/2014 16:24

Wow. I've never held a birthday party for my younger sons since they've been at school as we just can't afford it. My youngest has been to quite a few whole class parties. I would hate to think he would not be invited again because of our financial situation.

I am hoping to do him a small party this year as I have a venue I can use for free, but it won't be a whole class party and I probably won't invite those whose parties he went to as they're not actually close friends of his - he just happened to be invited to theirs as he was in the same class.

I'm also pretty sure his best friends have had parties and he hasn't been invited, but I don't care, it will be up to DS who he invites.

gamerchick · 13/01/2014 16:55

Did the OP ever come back then?

SuzanneUK · 13/01/2014 17:00

twinkletoedelephant,

Sooner of later, most of us realise that the world is full of complete and utter total bastards. It seems your child is at school with the spawn of several of these bastards so his socio-political education is beginning sooner than most.

Skrifa · 13/01/2014 17:00

YABU.

I have held one birthday party. The cost of more than his own cupcake was financially damaging. Decorations no. Even other kids coming round normally is hard to pay for, simply because of extra food and small money. We don't have much space and because we're in a high rise, it isn't always nice for other DC to come. And my own DC worry about being judged for what we have/don't have, and stress about it all badly.

They are popular and their friends want them there. Imo, it isn't about reciprocation- do your dc want them there? It shouldn't be about what the adults are thinking about for fairness in the main.

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