To stop inviting children to parties when they have not had a party themselves

[PMDD]

I just read another thread about their son not being invited to a party. It has raised an interesting point that I am considering this year.

On the whole, I believe that if you have a large party where all the children or all of one sex at the party, that you invite the whole class and not leave one, two or three off the list. Especially when the children are in infants.

I really enjoy a celebration and hold parties for my friends and their children (and friends with no children) at Easter, Summer, Halloween and Christmas. My children have a party each birthday every year.

It costs a fortune but it is my choice to hold the parties. Each children's party costs around £300 to hold and my children are born in May, June and July so it is an expensive quarter.

However, over recent years fewer children are having parties or are only having a party for a handful of children at home or taking them bowling or to the cinema. My children may invite 20+ children to their party, but only get to attend less than 4 each year in return.

There are 2 boys who never invite my sons to their house/party, so I have decided this year to have the party but not invite the children that never invite my children. This will mean that in my friend's social group there will be 2 children who are not invited. I feel this is reasonable, but from reading the other thread, perhaps I'm not.

I think it is unkind to invite all but one or two classmates. We used to let the dc pick 10 friends, so about half the class. I don't think the 10 all reciprocated but it doesn't matter. It's better now the older dc only want 2-3 friends and dc4 hates parties so last year we just took one friend to soft play!

Dc3 has a joint whole class party with her best friend. I know there was one child in dc3's class who never accepted invites because her parents didn't have parties in return. I thought that was really sad so was really pleased that she came last year.

If I'm really honest, I'm happy to host the dc's parties and have to neither accept a houseful of unneeded gifts nor sit through 2 hours of a reciprocated party invitation!

My son is only 2 so I'm not sure what the proper protocol is for this, but personally I think if you want to hold big parties that's great, but you shouldn't leave out one or two children because they don't have parties. It's not up to the children it's up to their parents and they may have reasons why they can't host a party for a whole class of children.

My youngest is 6. He has never had a party...he has been offered to but always says no. This is because he hates being the centre of attention. Really can't bear it. Shy and tearful.

But always goes to parties if he is invited...as he knows he won't be the 'birthday boy'.

I hope other parents don't think I just can't be bothered to host a party ...

We do have other friends round for a play/stay for tea. But I keep it very low key.

Inviting others just to get reciprocated is not a great message for your children.

I agree bad - either go for a smaller group or invite everyone.

Some parents thrive on the whole party/hoards of children thing and have the income to support it and some dont - id hate not to invite a nice child just because he was poor and didnt have parties

My son is extremely popular, Id be bankrupt if I tried to recipricate all his invitations, no one told me that the "birthday present budget" would need to be so high or that I would spend so much time losing the will to live in ToysRUs trying to buy presents for children I know nothing about.

If you're spending £900 p.a. on children's parties, it's very likely that, come the revolution, you'll find yourself in a tumbril.

So make hay while the sun shines, I say.

I never had parties as a child. My parents could not afford it. (I did get to invite a friend for tea...) By the time I was 8 only my 3 best friends ever invited me to their parties. Everyone else told me they would not invite me because I never had parties. Generally all the girls were invited. Made me feel really crap.

YADBU. It is your choice to spend that much and it only costs that much because you invite so many. I am that you are even considering this. If it's for financial reasons then have a smaller party.

can you ask mum sensitively why you your children don't go to her parties? or do other mothers know. It may well be work commitments of finance. does the teacher have any ideas on how to keep the peace? could you send cup cakes to school, enough for the whole class and take your child for a treat with just family?Could the mums get together and plan a scheme which everyone can afford. Playground diplomacy called for here I think.

at Suzanne!

YABU

don't know how old your kids are but from someone who has raised some to adulthood, you do not know at this point which of these kids will be lifelong friends.

one of my dds had a friend (boy) from playgroup- they were always friends although i have never really known his mum. she had 5 boys to bring up on her own. when he was about 8 i found out that he had hidden his invite because he was embarrassed about never having a party and worried about being able to give her a present. thoughts both of which had been put in his head by other people.

i spoke to him and told him neither of these things mattered, and he had been invited because we wanted him there, not an invite back and not a present. He and my dd are still friends as adults, i still see him sometimes during the holidays and he is the one of the nicest people i know.

but if i had followed your reasoning, he would never have gone to a party, simply because his mum couldnt have afforded one.

It would be very unreasonable to not invite children just because they don't have parties. It's not their fault that their parents can't or won't have parties for them.

If the children in question were having whole class parties but leaving out your dc than fair enough but to exclude one or two because they don't have their own parties is a horrible thing to do.

We have to distinguish between children who simply don't have parties and children who have parties but who don't invite your children.

I think this is the crux of the matter yet most posters are ranting and raving at the OP saying she is shallow and mean. If my DS accepts a party invitation then when it is his party I remind him that this child should be invited. That to me is good manners and a message I want to teach my child .

I asked about that hours ago, Ragwort.

I agree Ragwort and I do the same. ie. Encourage my children to return invitations. The OP mentions not inviting children who had parties but didn't invite her children, but to be fair, the title of the thread very much gives the impression it is about not inviting children because they haven't had a party themselves and I think it is that which got people's back up.

Have you ever heard of taking the high road? What on earth are you going to achieve by leaving these kids out? This is the sort of thing I hate about raising kids other peoples bloody parents acting like they're the ones in the school playground. You sound very smug about your fabulous parties & are judging other people for their choice not to spend shed loads on birthdays

But "children who have parties who don't invite your children" isn't always a black and white situation is it ?

Some people have parties but can only afford smaller parties so inevitably someone gets left out. Some people have parties but the parent has taken against you for some reason (playground politics) so unfortunately your child gets left out. Some people have parties and maybe genuinely forget to invite a particular child - especially if their own child doesn't prompt them - which might be particularly true of a younger child.

Fact is though - in the vast majority of cases, and right up until early teens I'd have said, the invitations really come down to what the parents decide. It's not the birthday child themselves deciding not to invite your child - unless, as I said before, said child has a grudge against yours and their parent upholds this (but I bet they're in the minority). Parents decide how big a party to have - and who to invite, really, even if they do make a show of "asking" the child, they'll have the final say in 99% of cases ..... so, it comes back to, if your child wants a particular friend at their celebration is it really fair - on them or the other child - to veto this just because said child's parent(s) have failed to issue a reciprocal party invite in the past ? (and there may be very good reason for that)

YABVU.

The problem with always inviting people who have invited you comes when some children can afford big parties and invite the whole class, and others can only have smaller parties, maybe with 4 or 5 children. For those with smaller parties 4 or 5 might not cover all those children who have invited them to their bigger parties.
Everyone should do what they want/can afford. If that is lavish affairs with whole classes invited then fine. But You can not expect those children who for whatever reason can only have a smaller party to always invite your child.
If my DD can only ask 4 children to her party I would expect her to choose her 4 best friends, not the last 4 children who had invited her to their parties....

Gosh people get in a tizz about parties.

Just decide on numbers and ask your child to draw up a list.

Am I the only one who is glad not to spend every weekend at a party? I explain to mine that they won't go to every party or invite everyone to theirs.

Either go for a much smaller party, close friends only, or invite the lot. As others have said, the ones who don't have parties are probably poorer so it's particularly mean to leave them out.

Haven't read whole thread so sorry if this is not the case.

Slightly off topic but as a child I remember when a child couldn't come to my party because they couldn't afford the present and felt embarrassed to come without. So sad, as it wouldn't have bothered us at all. I always make it clear that presents are absolutely not required. Same at our wedding, and we were so pleased to see people who probably couldn't have afforded to come if presents had been necessary. Our children get so many presents that many get passed to less lucky friends/cousins, or to a charity that collects new toys to give a box to mothers and children who have escaped domestic violence with just the clothes on their backs.

if your child wants a particular friend at their celebration is it really fair - on them or the other child - to veto this just because said child's parent(s) have failed to issue a reciprocal party invite in the past ?

I don't know as it's not something I have ever done. ie. I let my children choose who they invite in addition to encouraging them to return invitations.

My eldest daughter is now 6 and parties have mercifully gotten smaller, she wants a handful of girls this year one of which either didn't have a party or did and didn't invite my DD, I don't know/care which! If my DD wants her there that's all I need to know, it's her party after all. My girls like to dress up for parties and still have special church/party shoes so there!

I also encourage my kids to return an invite if the budget can stand it, and if that child hasn't been mean to my child in the interim. Sometimes though, there are 8 invites to "return" but I can only afford 4 spaces ...... what are you supposed to do then ? Never more so than at the moment many families really are stretched to breaking point and holding any sort of party at all means going without, selling stuff, working extra hours (if they can) in order to provide their child with a very modest celebration. Just because you can (just about) manage to do something small doesn't mean you can invite limitless people. The implication therefore that if you actually do something and yet fail to return all invites is bad mannered gets my goat. Many families simply cannot do more however much they wish otherwise - and so long as they are gracious when their child receives an invitation, e.g. by replying promptly, not ducking out at the last minute when they've already accepted, taking a small thoughtful gift (if they can afford it) and readily thanking the host when they leave, then they have nothing to feel bad about in accepting invites they may not be able to return.

I agree other parents should prompt their kids to return invites when possible, as in, thinking about others and learning that it's nice to return favours if you can but obviously the same issues I've described above might well apply to them as well - the budget simply won't stretch. I'm all for good manners, but failure to return an invite isn't always that simple.

And it still comes back to the fact that a non-invite is rarely the child's fault.