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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be able to spend more on the kids that live with us for birthdays etc?

139 replies

Gladys71 · 10/01/2014 11:18

I've posted this is step parents but I'm being brave and posting here too for a balanced view.

Basically DP's kids live with their mother. Mine live with us.

A few weeks ago it was DSS's birthday and we threw him a party, had his girlfriend over, bought him a cake, gave him £50 and a bottle of vodka. He then went home and had a party dinner with his mum and her side of the family.

Now my DS's birthday is in feb. I've always given them £100 each however DP is saying that this year they'll only be getting £50 as that's what his DS got. My argument is that his DS would have had a lot spent on him from his mother, his main carer. I'm DS's main carer, whilst he'll get about £20 off his dad that's not the same as what his ds would have got from his mother.

AIBU to want to stick with giving my ds's £100 each? They live here, we get money for them in the form of child maintenance etc as does his ex from us for their kids.

OP posts:
flowery · 10/01/2014 11:22

I think it's absolutely wrong to treat children who happen to live with you more favourably than children who happen to live with their other parent. Sends an awful, awful message imo.

DuckworthLewis · 10/01/2014 11:25

Flowery, OP's DP is not the father of her DCs (am I reading that right?)

If your DP were their father then I would agree with him, but he is not, so no, you decide how much to spend on them.

Floralnomad · 10/01/2014 11:26

YABU ,absolutely all the children should be treated equally !its not their fault that their dad moved out and likewise it's not your step children's fault that your children's father doesn't do more for them .

Original poster
Gladys71 · 10/01/2014 11:27

DP is not the father of my kids.

OP posts:
wontletmesignin · 10/01/2014 11:27

I think all children should be treat the same.
My ex didnt want me to spend the same amount on ds3 as i did my others, because he had his dad.

I found this completely unfair.

No matter what the circumstances are even if i knew my ds3 dad was spending a grand on him, i would still keep him the same as i would my other dc.

I think you are bu. This must be making your OH feel awful. If you dont allow him to treat his dc the same as he does his other dc, then you are forcing him to make his child feel like hes not the same. Which imo is wrong.

overthemill · 10/01/2014 11:28

I think what you're looking for is parity in outcome not being treated exactly the same. So our dd has 2 parents and gets a present from us Xmas and birthday plus the aunts n grandparents etc. her half siblings who live 50/50 here and at their mums get present from us, present from mum and stepdad us from 'our' side relatives and their mums side relatives. They get a hugely greater value and greater number of presents overall. Plus double holidays. Tbh they are very lucky (materially). So we give dd higher value presents if we think it's appropriate. So her Xmas would be £150 but siblings £100 perhaps. Seems fair to us. And in our will she gets 50% and they get 25% each. It seemed fairest way to divvy up

KhunZhoop · 10/01/2014 11:28

Spend the same on all the kids. This sort of things leads to massive rows when the kids get older.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 10/01/2014 11:28

YABVU, all children should get the same from you, step children or not.

givemeaclue · 10/01/2014 11:28

Yanbu, I would give her the higher amount

wontletmesignin · 10/01/2014 11:29

Well tbat is even worse then of he is not your dc father, yet you want him to be a part of giving your children more than he does his own.

Sorry, but that isnt fair at all

flowery · 10/01/2014 11:29

Yes I realise he's not the father of the OPs children. Can't see how that matters. All the children are equally part of the OP and her DP's family, it's just that some live with them and some don't. Why treat those who live with them better than those who don't?

HerrenaHarridan · 10/01/2014 11:31

Actually it depends IMO

Ie if we have dc A who is lavished by bio mum + step dad and gets lavished by bio dad + step mum
But we also have dc B who has no/little contact from bio mum/ dad it seems fairer to me that the active parent does more for dc B.

If you take it away from the money/ gifts context

Circumstances as above dc A will be picked up and taken to their clubs in turn by their two active parents but for dc B to attend their clubs they must be taken every time by their only active parent.

overthemill · 10/01/2014 11:31

But also from time to time I see something, like earrings or book, I think one of them would like and buy it for them. I don't feel obliged to rush out and get something of equivalent value for the other 2! They are all our children and we aim for them to be treated fairly not identically

TheDoctrineOf2014 · 10/01/2014 11:33

Are your DCs getting a party, cake and vodka spend equivalent?

Do you and DP have joint finances?

Why didn't you give DSS £100?

DuckworthLewis · 10/01/2014 11:34

The DCs have different parents, it would be impossible to treat them exactly the same.

Even if it were possible, I'm not sure it's a good idea anyway. Where do you draw the line? Our DCs have to be treated exactly the same as the DCs next door? The rest of their class?

DCs have to get used to the fact that life is unfair, some people will have more than them, some will have less. Artificially making everything 'fair' is not doing them any favours in the long run and is, IMO one of the reasons young adults today seem so unprepared for life.

2beornot · 10/01/2014 11:35

It's none of your business what your DSS gets from his mum, you're not treating all of the children the same. You could argue that he should get more because he won't get the ad hoc treats that your children do because they live with you.

Sparklysilversequins · 10/01/2014 11:35

YANBU.

Mim78 · 10/01/2014 11:36

I would give them the £100 if that's what they normally get. You have to factor in the bottle of Vodka anyway! Also, it appears DSS is older so not the same position.

Can't help but think the best answer would have been to spend £100 on DSS if planning to do that for your kids so that fair, unless there is a reason for reducing the amounts this year (financial cirs etc).

Why didn't he give his son 100 if he knew that is what your kids usually get? Surely he can't unilaterally decide to drop the amount for them all?

soontobeslendergirl · 10/01/2014 11:38

fairness isn't the same as equal-ness.

Firstly, does the money come from a common pot between you and your husband?

2ndly, will the children who live with you also be getting a party/cake/bottle of vodka? That was also part of the gift.

On balance, I agree that it is okay to give some children more than others if the overall balance is roughly the same. That is fair, but not necessarily equal.

For the people who say you should give them all the same, is it therefore fair that the OPs children are penalised because their father is less generous than the OP and her DH are to his children? The OP is basically trying to redress the balance that her children's Dad has caused, not trying to penalise her step children.

To me it is not clear cut.

CoffeeTea103 · 10/01/2014 11:38

Yanbu, your dss had a double celebration as well, your kids don't have that off course you would want to give him a bit more. You are the main carer in any case.

TheDoctrineOf2014 · 10/01/2014 11:38

Duck worth, if OP and her DP had a nephew on her dude and two nephews on his and joint finances, I'd expect them as a couple to give the same £ to each if giving a cash present as each has a blood relationship with one and a marriage relatuonship with the other.

TheDoctrineOf2014 · 10/01/2014 11:39

Dude = side!

StandingInLine · 10/01/2014 11:39

Me and partner have 2 kids together ,and he has 4 kids with his ex who live with her. We have separate finances so I believe that as longs he spends an equal amount on ALL his kids then I'm entitled to spend as much as I want on mine on top of partners. For instance ,partner will spend about £150 - £200 on each kid ,he's always had a deal with the ex that she'll buy the small bits and he buys the main ,so we've done the same. But ,it's not my problem if partners kids with ex end up with less spent on them because she has spent less on the small bits on their kids as I have on mine. And vice versa. I'm pretty certain sometimes they've ended up with more than my children because she's decided to spend more but that's not my business.

But then I don't see them as my own kids and everyone is happy with this arrangement as their mum lives literally 5 minutes away and are old enough just to be able to see me as "dads girlfriend ". Doesn't mean I treat them less favorably round mine ; I still do their washing ,sometimes cook for them etc...but I would anyone who came to mine.

ChuckitintheBucket · 10/01/2014 11:44

Well I am a victim of this kind of thinking and believe me it bloody sucks. My dads kids by his second wife had presents galore lavished on them, my brother, sister and I were lucky to get a token £10 present. Still rankles now and I am in my fifties. You should never make children feel as though they are second best.

shallowkitty · 10/01/2014 11:44

But they are the ops kids they always get one hundred and now they have to get less because their stepfather feels guilty even though his son will be about the same overall once his mum gives him the stuff she is giving him. I think the op is right. I would have three chidren and they don't get exactly the same but they get what is fair what I think they need. My ds1 is a teenager and he now gets less than his sibling but is happy with his presents. He had his whole childhood having lots of toys. If the op does it her dh way her dss will get more overall than her kids how is that right

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