To think I should be able to spend more on the kids that live with us for birthdays etc?

[Gladys71]

I've posted this is step parents but I'm being brave and posting here too for a balanced view.

Basically DP's kids live with their mother. Mine live with us.

A few weeks ago it was DSS's birthday and we threw him a party, had his girlfriend over, bought him a cake, gave him £50 and a bottle of vodka. He then went home and had a party dinner with his mum and her side of the family.

Now my DS's birthday is in feb. I've always given them £100 each however DP is saying that this year they'll only be getting £50 as that's what his DS got. My argument is that his DS would have had a lot spent on him from his mother, his main carer. I'm DS's main carer, whilst he'll get about £20 off his dad that's not the same as what his ds would have got from his mother.

AIBU to want to stick with giving my ds's £100 each? They live here, we get money for them in the form of child maintenance etc as does his ex from us for their kids.

And I really dont get all this spending less on one child because they will be getting things from their father as well.

I dont spend less on my eldest two just because their dad will also be buying things, they all get the same amount from me

My DD gets X amount from me. My DS1, DS2 and DS3 all get that same X amount spent on them by me.

My DD then gets around 1/4 X spent on her by her Dad - he's SE and struggling.

My DS1 usually gets 1/2 X spent on him by his dad, but this year hasn't had present yet, as his dad has just come out of a relationship where he was abused and has NO money.

My DS2 and DS3 get X spent on them each by their Dad.

So it ends up being quite different amounts they get - but I spend the same amount on each.

My DC's know that I can spend the same amount on them each, but that as they have different Dads, I can't control what their Dads are willing to, and able to spend on them.

In the OP's situation, I think that what they should do is that OP continues to spend X amount on her DC's, then whatever her DP spends on them is up to him! The DP's DC's will get X amount spent on them by their mum too, why should the OP's DC's miss out on that?

In any relationship I've been in (and I have been a SM in the past), what I have spent on my DC's is up to me, what my (ex) partners spend on them is down to them.

No way would my DC's be missing out because a partner cannot see the unfairness that their own DC's will be getting X amount spent on them by their other parent, whereas my DC's might not get even a 1/4 of that amount. Fuck that!

And no, I didn't spend that same X amount on my SDD's - but I did buy them presents they would use and love. They didn't 'miss out', as they weren't usually there for Birthdays, but a weekend after.

I wonder if the OP is even reading this as she hasn't came back.

OP if you are, what did you decide to do?

Yes you are - all should be treated the same and have the same amount spent on them regardless of whether they live with you.

I think all children should be treated the same, regardless of who lives with you and who doesn't.

This is coming from experience (from having a step mum who did this). After a while your DP son will start to wonder why his dads 'new children' will be getting better stuff/more money than he.

It might not be that way in real life but to the child, this will be what it feels like.

ok if yours ws getting £20 from his dad, why did your step son not get £20 from his dad?

But they won't be getting more stuff Cherry - they're getting the same amount of stuff from different sources.

Its a hard one isnt it ? .

What we do is limit adult (over18) children to £50 and a small token gift so they have something to open.

Under 18s get more spent on them ... infund my dcs gifts , dh funds his dcs gifts and we go half on the gifts for the dc we have together. It works out the same amount ( give or take a couple of quid)

You cant control what the exs give the kids .

The reason we cut down on the adult kids is , they are independent . The older girls have had wedding and baby stuff funded for one , and uni stuff funded for the other. The oldest boy is promosed driving lessons when he gets around to booking them. All 3 are finantially independent , so its madness to keep indulging them . And we dont have a never ending pot of money either .

"All 3 are finantially independent , so its madness to keep indulging them"

Amen! Tell my MIL will you ;)

If their dad only chose to spend £50 on his DC's , and I chose to spend £100 on my DC's, would it be right for him to insist that because HE only spent £50 on his DC's that I was only allowed to spend £50 on my DC 's.

No fucking way.

If he wanted to spend £200 on his DC's, would I have the right to tell him that he was only allowed to spend £100 because that's what I was spending on my DC's ?

No fucking way.

BOTH would be wrong, as they would be one person unilaterally making decisions for both parties.

The only ways to do this fairly are to discuss between you how you are going to manage this issue and come to a COMPROMISE.

1. He thinks £100 is too much to spend on a DC's birthday, but you disagree on £50 being a reasonable amount, and in future you both compromise on £75 (as a figure halfway between the disputed amounts) being the right amount to spend on ALL the DC's.

2. He refuses to compromise, it becomes a big issue between you, and you go with it, only spend £50 on your DC's presents, and feel guilty and resentful.

3. You refuse to compromise, spend £100 on your DC's presents, and HE feels guilty and resentful.

As I see it, those are the 3 ways this can pan out...

I'd be telling anyone who told me how much I was allowed to spend on my children to fuck right off for a start.

However, if this was a discussion about what was 'the right thing to do' I would say that there isn't 'one' answer to this because there are too many factors to take into consideration. Fairly, doesn't always mean 'the same'.

Surely vodka+cake+party=£50.
So both are having the same amount spent on them anyway.. Also, if your DP wants to spend the same on his DS as you do on your DS, he should stump up the extra instead of telling you to change a longstanding birthday tradition.

YANBU OP.