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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be able to spend more on the kids that live with us for birthdays etc?

139 replies

Gladys71 · 10/01/2014 11:18

I've posted this is step parents but I'm being brave and posting here too for a balanced view.

Basically DP's kids live with their mother. Mine live with us.

A few weeks ago it was DSS's birthday and we threw him a party, had his girlfriend over, bought him a cake, gave him £50 and a bottle of vodka. He then went home and had a party dinner with his mum and her side of the family.

Now my DS's birthday is in feb. I've always given them £100 each however DP is saying that this year they'll only be getting £50 as that's what his DS got. My argument is that his DS would have had a lot spent on him from his mother, his main carer. I'm DS's main carer, whilst he'll get about £20 off his dad that's not the same as what his ds would have got from his mother.

AIBU to want to stick with giving my ds's £100 each? They live here, we get money for them in the form of child maintenance etc as does his ex from us for their kids.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 10/01/2014 13:36

All should be treated the same. I always remember as a kid. I got £30 for my birthday and my step brother got £50. I have never forgotten that even now I an ancient.
It actually really affected the way I thought about my dad and step mum. (I have never ever told him)

Avalon · 10/01/2014 13:37

I agree with you, op.

Surely dss had £100 spent on him with party, vodka, cake and £50? And then he had whatever his mum sorted out for him.

Whereas the op's children will get £100 as usual, plus £20 from their dad.

I can't see the inequality.

Sallystyle · 10/01/2014 13:38

They should be treated the same.

It is mean not to and sends a clear message about which one is favoured in your eyes.

I can't imagine even thinking about doing what you suggested and I am shocked by people who think it is ok to do so.

Grennie · 10/01/2014 13:41

It doesn't matter if one child gets more spent overall on them because they have other people buying for them. What matters is what YOU do.

Unequal amounts of money at Xmas, do send out the message that one child is more important than the other. Children, including older children, can often feel insecure about how much a non resident parent really loves them. This is an easy way to feed those insecurities.

helenthemadex · 10/01/2014 13:43

I have 3 young dd's by twat ex, he sees the older two but not the youngest dd and buys them birthday and Christmas presents as do all of his family but none of them buy for the youngest, she is now 5 and notices when her ds come home with bags of presents. So I do spend more on her, not a lot but so she has things to open when they are with their father, to me its not favouring her its balancing it out. My older two understand why I do this and they are under 10

YANBU

Sallystyle · 10/01/2014 13:44

Exactly, Grennie.

How anyone could do that is beyond me. I was that child though and I also have three children who have been treated differently by certain family members for not being blood related so it is a very sensitive subject for me.

I have seen the hurt this stuff can cause first hand and I would never want to be responsible for causing it to someone else.

Avalon · 10/01/2014 13:45

Those saying it's unfair, do you think the dss would have preferred £100 and no party, cake or vodka?

WooWooOwl · 10/01/2014 13:48

I have two step siblings through my mums husband, they have all been around since I was very little. My step grandparents would generally only see my step siblings when I was around as they would come to our home, and every time they visited when my step siblings were around, they would be given a £20 note each. Usually once or twice a month.

I would be given a pound coin, and all this money giving would be done very openly after dinner. Both my mum and dads families were always generous to me, and I knew that financially I wasn't any worse off than my step siblings and probably had more than they did in material things.

It still bloody hurt my child and teenage self that people who I was supposed to consider family clearly didn't consider me as important as the other children in the family. It's not about the money. It's about the value that it represents.

IceBeing · 10/01/2014 13:50

what fair about life?

my DD gets x amount and the kids living next door certainly get something different. They are both equally deserving.

So I think all can matter, given we can't fix the unfairness of life, is that you treat all of your OWN biological children the same. So the OP should spend the same on her kids no matter where they live and the OPs DP should do the same. If he wants to spend the same amount that the OP does then all the better. But that is up to the OPs DP not the OP.

DuckworthLewis · 10/01/2014 13:56

Blood is thicker than water - like it or not, it is.

I agree that this might create a situation that is 'unfair', but it is our job as adults to help the DCs involved to manage the feelings that unfairness creates - not to shield them from unfairness as a concept.

Icantstopeatinglol · 10/01/2014 14:00

It's only been the last couple of years we've given dsd less but only because of our situation. We don't know what to get her as her dm buys her everything....and I mean everything! We've given her the money instead for a few years and found it dumped in her bedroom. I've taken it before and put it in the kitchen cupboard and she hasn't even noticed. I'm gutted cos the child I knew years ago no longer gets excited about Xmas and it's because she doesn't appreciate anything she gets.
Next year my dh is going to buy tickets for them to go somewhere together cos we'd rather spend the money on them doing something together that means something.
It's not all about material things, it's how you make kids feel that is important.

blackandwhiteandredallover · 10/01/2014 14:03

All thise saying the cake counts as part of his present, I don't think it does- surely the OP will also get a cake for her own son?

I think you need to be seen to be fair. So why not give DS £50 plus a gift worth a similar amount to the vodka you gave DSS. Sounds like he's old enough to be able to understand why, if you explain it to him.

flyingtomatoes · 10/01/2014 14:04

Long term lurker, registered just to reply to this.

I am 37 and a victim of this as well.

Please please, whether the kids are half or step or adopted or whatever, please treat them all equally.

It DOES matter and I for one have been left feeling generally like a lesser daughter because of this.

katatonic · 10/01/2014 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flowery · 10/01/2014 14:17

If treating blood-related children more favourably than adopted/step children is acceptable (which I don't think it is anyway), then if the OP and her DP consider themselves a family unit, both DSs are as much blood-related to that family unit as the other is, ie both are off-spring of one half of the couple.

Sallystyle · 10/01/2014 14:22

Blood is thicker than water? for some. It certainly isn't true for me. It isn't to my husband either who is the step dad to three of my children and bio dad of my younger two, either.

I have never, ever thought blood is thicker than water. If you are family you are family, blood related or not, you are all loved and treated the same.

Sallystyle · 10/01/2014 14:25

Icebeing.. how can you compare what your neighbours children get compared to the children in your family?

Everyone in the same FAMILY unit should be treated fairly.

I can't shield my children from the unfairness in life. Trust me, three of mine are seeing that first hand right now in the most horrible way, but what I can do is shield them from family members treating them unfairly.

Kendodd · 10/01/2014 14:29

One factor in this is age though. I guess the child getting the bottle of vodka is a adult and IMO should get more/less depending on circumstances, how old is the other child? I do agree with the overall message though, all children should be treated equally.

Icantstopeatinglol · 10/01/2014 14:40

What would you suggest if a dsd is getting ridiculous amounts at their dm's house then? We've tried to give equal amounts but it's not appreciated and feels like a total waste of money? However I don't see why our 2dc that love with us get less so they all get the same.

Icantstopeatinglol · 10/01/2014 14:40

live not love with us! Doh!

Grennie · 10/01/2014 14:41

icantstopeating - Didnt you say you put into a savings account for her instead?

WaitMonkey · 10/01/2014 14:44

YANBU. Especially as dss appears to be an adult. People spend less as dc become older don't they ?

Icantstopeatinglol · 10/01/2014 14:48

Yea we do but not as much as we spend on the other two to be fair cos money is tight at the minute and she's already got a decent amount in her account.
I know that sounds not great but she gets absolutely loads off her dm and I honestly don't think she's bothered about what she gets cos she's got everything she wants already. She can't even think of anything for us to get her when we ask so what chance do we have?

Cookie08 · 10/01/2014 14:49

Yabu. It's hurtful to the children, who ever is the father, to treat any of them differently. It's not their fault. When they are grown you will want them to remember you with love and affection and as someone who showed them how to live. What goes around comes around.

Icantstopeatinglol · 10/01/2014 14:49

Don't get me wrong we still spend about £150 on her but the little ones get more than that.