To think I should be able to spend more on the kids that live with us for birthdays etc?

[Gladys71]

I've posted this is step parents but I'm being brave and posting here too for a balanced view.

Basically DP's kids live with their mother. Mine live with us.

A few weeks ago it was DSS's birthday and we threw him a party, had his girlfriend over, bought him a cake, gave him £50 and a bottle of vodka. He then went home and had a party dinner with his mum and her side of the family.

Now my DS's birthday is in feb. I've always given them £100 each however DP is saying that this year they'll only be getting £50 as that's what his DS got. My argument is that his DS would have had a lot spent on him from his mother, his main carer. I'm DS's main carer, whilst he'll get about £20 off his dad that's not the same as what his ds would have got from his mother.

AIBU to want to stick with giving my ds's £100 each? They live here, we get money for them in the form of child maintenance etc as does his ex from us for their kids.

I think.yabu although my dc are younger.

My 9 year old ds1 mentioned to me recently that daddy and sm buy his step brother and step sister more than they buy him. They had more for both birthdays and Christmas. Apparently he asked his waste of space dad why. His dads answer "because your mother buys you you presents too, she doesn't buy them for dsd and dss so overall you he the same. Plus I give her money for you all year round" :(

The way that's translated in his 9 year old mind is, "dsd and dss is more important than you" although this could be in part due to other things his dad does and says.

You should have given your dss £100 too.

How long have you lived together, as it can't be that long if it's the first time the issue has arisen?

I think you'd get different responses if your OP had read 'My boyfriend has just moved in with me and is telling me I can't spend my normal amount on my DC birthday. We can afford this amount but he says I shouldn't as it's not what he chose to give his DC. I am worried my DC will resent him moving in with us.'

I think I'd give £80 , that plus the £20 from his dad would be £100. Plus the £80 isn't that different fro £50, vodka and a birthday dinner party.
It is a tricky one but that's what I would do.

spend the same on them (in gifts/party whatever)

if they are old enough to have vodka bought for them however, does that mean they are 18 or over? (naive mother of pre-teens) if so, adult/self-supporting kids might need to expect less.

Sorry meant to say £80 would be similar to £50, vodka, party and cake.

Dh and i both have children from previous relationships and a child together. My 3 plus our one live with us. His two live with their mum.

All have roughly the same amount of money spent on them for birthdays and christmas by us.

Dsd's mum spends well on them. My dd's dad doesnt buy them much if anything. Our dd gets gifts only from us.

we try our best to treat them as equals.

Age is a factor that can change things though. There is 10 years gap between oldest and youngest here. I presume that in time, the eldest might only want a new bag, or clothes voucher while the youngest will still want toys. (Thats a guess, im not there yet!) So i assume in such instances, you would gauge things depending on circs

I don't understand. Why is it okay for them only to get £50 because they will get presents off their mother but yours get £100. Does your DPs father pay maintenance but get them nothing for their birthday?

Sorry, I don't think you should do this, it's unfair. At the very least you should be prepared to top up your step children's presents.

It sounds to me like in reality your kids get £50 off you and £50 off your partner and his kids just get £50 off him.

I agree that all children in a family should be treated equally by a couple, regardless of who they live with.

My DD is 17 and in recent years she was seen her Dad and his partner buy much more for his partner's daughter. ( She is currently NC with them but that's a whole other story ).

Every Christmas and birthday she has felt less special than her SS, and this has really been an issue for her. When this has been pointed out to her Dad he said that it's because his partner likes to spoil her DD, but I always felt he should then redress the balance himself.

My OH and I have a son, DD's half-brother and we always get them presents of a roughly equal value.

Dh and i both have children from previous relationships and a child together. My 3 plus our one live with us. His two live with their mum.

All have roughly the same amount of money spent on them for birthdays and christmas by us.

Dsd's mum spends well on them. My dd's dad doesnt buy them much if anything. Our dd gets gifts only from us.

we try our best to treat them as equals.

Age is a factor that can change things though. There is 10 years gap between oldest and youngest here. I presume that in time, the eldest might only want a new bag, or clothes voucher while the youngest will still want toys. (Thats a guess, im not there yet!) So i assume in such instances, you would gauge things depending on circs

Dh and i both have children from previous relationships and a child together. My 3 plus our one live with us. His two live with their mum.

All have roughly the same amount of money spent on them for birthdays and christmas by us.

Dsd's mum spends well on them. My dd's dad doesnt buy them much if anything. Our dd gets gifts only from us.

we try our best to treat them as equals.

Age is a factor that can change things though. There is 10 years gap between oldest and youngest here. I presume that in time, the eldest might only want a new bag, or clothes voucher while the youngest will still want toys. (Thats a guess, im not there yet!) So i assume in such instances, you would gauge things depending on circs

Sorry, dont know why it just reposted my post.

I think this is quite complicated and every situation is different. In our situation we have 2dc living with us and a dsd who we love dearly. However since she was little she has been absolutely spoilt at Xmas by her dm. To the point that now she gets about 1k spent on her and she's not bothered at all and doesn't appreciate it. We did initially give her the same as the other 2 dc but we've cut right back and put money in her bank etc because she just doesn't appreciate anything she gets and it's sad to see. We don't have loads of money and because she's been lavished with presents over the years (like some big competition!) we just decided enough was enough as we didn't know what to get her as her dm bought her everything we don't get her as much anymore. We've always wanted to treat her the same but it difficult sometimes. It's not always black and white.

Give them the £100, it does not sound as if anyone else is going to bother giving then vodka and a party. You were very good to do that for your DSS.
My DS has two small DCs of his own who divide their time between his house and their mother's. He now has a new partner with her own small DD but no way is this child, sweet though she is, ever going to count with me like my own DGcs, consequently though we give birthday and Christmas presents they are not on the same scale. I might add that this child's GPs give absolutely nothing to, and display absolutely no interest in, my GCs with whom the child spends much of her time.

I think it makes sense to spend more on your DC if they don't have other family or their father spending a lot on them, unlike the SS who has two sides of family to buy him things.

'fairness isn't the same as equal-ness.'

This is very true. I wouldn't spend the same amount of money on a 13 year old and a 3 year old.

If you and your DP are living together as a committed couple, then the two of you are supposed to be one joing parenting unit.

Unless the two of you want to cause your children to question your motives and experience the doubt that goes along with that, you have no choice but to treat them all equally, and that means spending the same amount on all of them.

What the other parents give is irrelevant, you and your DP have chosen to do your parenting together and to bring your families together, and if you weren't prepared to do that then you shouldn't have moved in with each other. There is no way you can give them different amounts and expect there to be no negative feelings around it for the child that has been given less by you two.

If you want to be able to give some of the dc £100, then that's fine, but you should have considered that before you gave one of them £50.

With such an insistence on fairness you can often end up with one household refusing to do anything unless all children are involved so days out treats holidays and exactly the same amount on birthdays or Christmas
,yet these children who live elsewhere are having days out treats holidays and significant amounts at birthdays or Christmas they don't have to go without or miss out because their siblings/step siblings are elsewhere.

It would be quite unusual to still be doing things like that jointly with an ex but children who live with you should also be able to have some of the treat things in the absence of children who are having those things provided for them elsewhere.

No reasonable person spends hugely on one and gets spot cream for another but even the most self absorbed 5 year old is able to understand that if child A gets say £50 in total and child B gets £200 in total then it is not child B who is disadvantaged.

I don't spend the same for each of m own kids living here so I don't see a problem with giving different amounts. I presume since the step son got vodka he is 18+ And that he got cash, younger kids would get gifts? How would the step son even know the monetary differences? I have no idea what my step siblings got for birthdays. The only time disparity of gifts upset me as a child was when I spent Christmas with my bio father and he filled my stocking with my own bathroom stuff and sweets I had bought with my own money, then gave me just a small brooch as my only gift whilst giving a whole suitcase of toys to ya half brother. I was told my gifts were left at home as I was older and could wait - but there were no other gifts.

No, but it could be argued that the dss should have the most spent on him, because he has the insecurity of living in two homes and the ds has the security of living with both parents all the time...

In general I agree with flowery.

I'm disheartened by reading so many post saying how unfair it is that their sc get more financially spent on them. How lucky these children must be that they no longer live together with both of their biological parents but have extra presents at Christmas and Birthdays.

As children they didn't get to choose the situation they now find themselves living in. The very least they deserve is to feel as equally valued and loved as any other child their parent has in their newly built life.

With regards to the OP, I wouldn't change the spending habits for my own children if it was still affordable to do so. However I would have spoken to my partner to ensure all children were being treated fairly.

A situation where a family who all live with each other stop doing activities and enjoying themselves on days out etc because a child who lives elsewhere isn't around would be very extreme, and it's not comparable to spending the same amount of money on birthday presents.

Children don't expect one of their sides of the family to do nothing while they are not there, but I think they can reasonably expect to be given the same amount of birthday cash.

What the OPs ex chooses to do as a parent should have no effect whatsoever on the way a child he has never met is treated by his parents and step parents.

lougle the DS in this case doesn't live with both his parents - he is the OPs son and not her OHs.