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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be able to spend more on the kids that live with us for birthdays etc?

139 replies

Gladys71 · 10/01/2014 11:18

I've posted this is step parents but I'm being brave and posting here too for a balanced view.

Basically DP's kids live with their mother. Mine live with us.

A few weeks ago it was DSS's birthday and we threw him a party, had his girlfriend over, bought him a cake, gave him £50 and a bottle of vodka. He then went home and had a party dinner with his mum and her side of the family.

Now my DS's birthday is in feb. I've always given them £100 each however DP is saying that this year they'll only be getting £50 as that's what his DS got. My argument is that his DS would have had a lot spent on him from his mother, his main carer. I'm DS's main carer, whilst he'll get about £20 off his dad that's not the same as what his ds would have got from his mother.

AIBU to want to stick with giving my ds's £100 each? They live here, we get money for them in the form of child maintenance etc as does his ex from us for their kids.

OP posts:
soontobeslendergirl · 10/01/2014 14:59

I know my mum gives my children more for christmas than she gives her other grandchildren of a similar age - the adult ones get a lot less or nothing depending on whether she is buying for their children instead. Her rational is that all her other grandchildren including the adults have another set of Grandparents who are generous with both time and money/presents to them. My children don't have anyone else. i've told her she doesn't have to compensate them for that, but she wants to. My sister, the only one with similarly aged children know she does this and doesn't have a problem with it. I wouldn't should the situation be reversed. The children have no need to know. We (my sister and I) both buy our children a gift from my mum with the money received. I put the extra cash in their bank account if they don't need anything else, or allow them to buy something if they do.

It isn't my choice, but i don't see it as particularly unfair. She doesn't love my children more than her other grandchildren, she just feels sorry for them.

DuckworthLewis · 10/01/2014 15:06

Interesting views on this thread...it's giving me food for thought.

IceBeing · 10/01/2014 18:59

samU how are they in the same family unit though? They don't live in the same house and are adult?

katatonic · 10/01/2014 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 10/01/2014 19:05

I'm DS's main carer, whilst he'll get about £20 off his dad that's not the same as what his ds would have got from his mother.

So, basically your gripe is that your DSs father is not giving as much as DSSs mother? Is that your DSSs fault?

IceBeing · 10/01/2014 19:06

I think if I and a partner where living together with one of my and one of his biological children living with us then I would not only insist on them being treated equally by my DP and I but by all grand parents involved.

Of course biology still plays a role even then, as if I then split up with said DP I presumably would not take on custody of his child and he would not take on custody of mine....

If only one of the children was living with us then I wouldn't expect grand parents to treat them equally. Likely the grand parents wouldn't know the other child etc.

You can imagine a serial adulterer leaving behind not only a trail of grandchildren to buy presents for but a huge array of semi-step grand children too....

IceBeing · 10/01/2014 19:09

Of course all this trouble could be avoided by not giving people present of money.

If you give people a present which you hope they will a) like and b) get some use out of then you can stop worrying about 'fairness' and like for like all the time.

The value of a present =/= its price.....(unless it is money you see)

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 10/01/2014 19:18

YANBU

Why should your kids suddenly get less because you have a boyfriend with kids?

Is he controlling in other ways? Does he try and dictate what you do with your kids at other times?

NewBeginings · 10/01/2014 19:25

If you give as a couple then I think to give more to your children than you as a couple give to his is wrong. It doesn't matter who gets what the rest of year or from other people, to say that we as a couple have decided to give you less than you is hurtful and will cause division and resentment.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 10/01/2014 19:34

Ok, my dad and stepmum clearly spent more on my stepsisters and half sister who lived with them, than they did on my sister and I who lived with our mum. Occasionally it rankled, but even as a child I realised that we were getting presents from our mum too, whereas they only received presents from my dad/ stepmum so it seemed fair enough to me that they would get more spent on them.

impatienceisavirtue · 11/01/2014 00:08

I have 3 DCs that live with DH and I. They stay with EXH regularly, he pays maintenance and we generally discuss how we parent them together - the three of us are pretty consistent with it all. It works well.

For Christmas and I birthdays not only would I not expect EXH to go as I would, but I would rather he didn't. We have discussed it and they still get the same (more actually) as they would when we were living together. We discuss between the three of us what they will be getting for Christmas for example, and EXH gets them some of it. The kids live with DH and I the majority of the time and we get the bulk of it. Obviously the maintenance goes into the same pot of money the presents are paid out from anyway, and DH and I are in a significantly more comfortable financial position. It really doesn't matter, the kids generally get things that they've asked for, they're not losing out. His current GF doesn't have young children, and he isn't living with her, but personally I wouldn't have a problem if she did, they were living together, and their "main" presents were bought by EXH and his girlfriend, whilst I still got the main presents for our DC. The kids know they are loved by both parents and do not feel like they're hard done by.

Well done if you followed that.

impatienceisavirtue · 11/01/2014 00:10

Don't know what happened there - random I after Christmas and, and I meant *to go out as all out as I would

Adeleh · 11/01/2014 02:44

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Your DSS gets gifts from another side of the family, whereas your DS won't. In fact it seems to me that you're very generous to both of them, and they re both adults. Would seem to me to be churlish for either to take umbridge.

lunar1 · 11/01/2014 02:56

If you live together then they should be treated equally by you as a couple, anything else is just designed to play favourites.

sashh · 11/01/2014 04:28

I think sometimes you have to look at it from the point of view of the child(ren).

Do your children and step children see themselves as siblings? Do you see them as siblings? Siblings should be treated equally by both parents.

Do you know what ss got from him mum? How do you know it wasn't just £20?

mynewpassion · 11/01/2014 05:20

The OP's DS will receive money and gifts from his dad, who is the OP's ex, and his side of the family. This is the same as DSS will receive money/gifts from his mother and her side of the family. You can only control what happens in your household.

Also, its not your DSS' fault that your ex is not willing to give as much as his mother, your partner's ex. Are you going to be topping up every birthday and Christmas because the stepchildren's mother is more generous than your ex?

Unless you have separate finances and buy separate gifts, you and your current DP are giving gifts as a couple. You should try to make it as equal and fair as possible. Giving twice as much to one child vs another child does not look good. I do think that sometimes depending on circumstances you will have to spend more one child than another for specific reasons. That's alright because it eventually balances out.

However, in this case, its because you want to top up what your ex is giving so that it will equal to what DSS' mother will give him.

Adeleh · 11/01/2014 05:25

The OP knows that here DSS's mother is generous to him. He also got party and vodka. Giving her own DSs £50 instead of £100 means that they wouldn't do nearly as well. If your DH still feels his son is being treated unfairly, why can't he give him some money off his own bat?

mynewpassion · 11/01/2014 05:31

If their finances are shared, then she should be ok with her DP giving DSS and extra 50 quid from the family pot because that's what she's asking her DP to do.

I am 100% sure that OP and DP will be throwing her DS a party. Now if she and her DP don't buy any gifts and just give the money, I think its a lot more fairer. However, I get the feeling that there will be a gift along with the money.

So, just give DSS an extra bit. Problem solved.

mynewpassion · 11/01/2014 05:33

Like I asked early, will the OP constantly be topping up birthdays and Christmas so that her children are not disadvantaged because their father is less generous than her stepchildren's mother?

LeggyBlondeNE · 11/01/2014 08:06

Like Sugar, I knew as a kid that my half brother sometimes got more than us from my mum and stepdad, but also we got double presents from my dad too. In their wills both couples are leaving their assets equally across all their offspring, which will disadvantage half brother but I know mo other brother and I will both see him right in other ways. (Assuming there's anything left anyway, which none of us are counting on!)

Can you give £50 from you and add an extra £50 from the ex? But as others Sid, old nough for vodka is old nough to understand. It's not like their birthdays are happening at the same time and rubbing Dss nose in it.

ashtrayheart · 11/01/2014 08:22

My dsd gets the same value of present as my dc, regardless of the fact her mum gives her much more than mine get from their dad.

Jinty64 · 11/01/2014 09:09

YANBU

My children and step children are all treated fairly but not equally. This Christmas ds's 1&3 had about £150 spent on them. Ds2 got a ps4, game and some stocking fillers so about £450. Step children got £50 each. Some may say this was unfair but last year, when DH got a bonus payment, the DSC's got £1000 each our joint children did not. When ds1's lap-top broke we bought him another one the next day as he needed it for school work. They get what they need when they need it and what they want when we can afford it. DSD has a baby and he is well indulged by everyone.

I'm sure the DSC do feel that our joint children have more advantages in life but that's because I work hard to create these for them as I am their mother and I can't change that.

BruthasTortoise · 11/01/2014 09:14

YANBU - I've always worked to hard to make sure that all our kids, step or not, roughly receive the same luxuries and opportunities across the board. It doesn't matter to me where the funds come from, whether they be provided by us, the other parent, grandparents etc as long as they all end up with same standard of living I'm not sure what the issue is. Gifts etc are not the same as love, our kids know that they are loved equally and accept that they all get the same over the course of the year.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 11/01/2014 09:20

It depends, whos idea was it to give dss £50? If it was your dh with no imput from you id say give yours what you like.

If you decided together that he should only have £50 then yours should have the same

Foxeym · 11/01/2014 09:27

Yabu I have 2DC my partner has 2DC and we have 1DC together and they get the same spent on them for Christmas and birthdays regardless of what their mother etc spends on them. How could you not want to treat them all the same? Obviously all the children had more spent on them before we were together but now they have to understand there is 5 of them and finances only stretch so far so things have to be done more fairly. I've also been the child in this situation and it's crap finding out that step/half siblings receive a better deal just because they are the residential child

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