I can't ever imagine returning to work. And I'm quite happy with that

[Anyfuckerisnotguilty]

Although I realise that makes me seem quite odd to others

But I actually really like not working and just being able to do whatever I want

You make a valid point CHJR. You find SAHMs often claim "oh no, it would just be so much hassle going to work, having to arrange childcare/holiday clubs etc". But it really isn't like that.

There is a small initial effort in organising your childcare, and after that it's just a matter of dropping them off and picking them up each day, the same as if you were at home.

So stay at home, by all means, if that's what suits you. But it seems a little disingenuous to claim it would be far too complicated to arrange your life if you worked.

It isn't - it's just a normal, perfectly manageable routine. And if your routine is complicated, then you haven't got it set up properly and need to make adjustments.

Some of us SAHM become such because we tried working full time/using childcare but didn't like it. I was able to manage it but it was wasn't for me/DD/our family.

Chjr - you do make very valid points about feelings changing and the sense of worth and loneliness. I just know life would be much harder and complicated if I went back to work and I'd really be losing out in another way. we would struggle to share the childcare, housework load etc (partly because husband often works away) and I think our relationship would be accommodate the changes which worries me. Also, My husband earns so much more than I could make, it's another reason to SAH rather those who would really financially benefit from the extra wage. Harder to make all the extra effort and disrupt our easy lives for just a little extra money that will make no real difference to our income.

Jotted down a number for volunteer work today, might be a step in another direction.

I am always surprised on these threads how many people allude to 'giving up a career', but ime most people i know don't have careers, they have jobs, often jobs they hate.

Also the 'DH bankrolling your lifestyle' is at odds with my experience too, as for us and a few others i know, we are actually saving the family money by not going back to work. Our family couldn't afford me to go to work, we would be in the hole by about £300 per month and our baby would have to go to a CM 7-7pm which i think is too long.

I'd like to go back to work - supporting myself if something happened is something i do worry about - but it isn't feasible. I also would love to go to a job that didn't make me cry in the loos, but as i've never had one of those i couldn't tell you what it's like.

i have no pension other than state, and never will i doubt.

Mrskoala- yes, if someone has a job which is dull, or which they actively dislike, and is done simply to pay the bills then of course that's going to be a big factor in choosing to give up. To go back to what I said upthread, if both partners were in jobs like this, to my mind that would be more of a reason for both parents to try to share earning. If my DH and I had jobs like this, one of us would stay home while the kids were tiny and childcare unaffordable, but as soon as they were in school I'd be looking to share earning because it wouldn't sit comfortably with me to not work if my DH wasnt happy in his job ... I guess what would make sense would be for each of us to work, but fewer hours each.

If one partner has an unfulfilling job (rather than career) and the other has a career they enjoy then yes, I can see why there would be an incentive for the one with the job to give. But the point I made upthread is that I suspect this is a scenario which will become increasing less common over time, mainly because of societal changes which encourage and enable girls to aspire to the same careers as men. When I was little back in the 60s/70s it was very rare to see a mum who had an equal career to her husband. My mum, and most of my friends mums, either didn't work or had a part time job (as opposed to career.) hardly surprising because there weren't the same expectations then and also there wasnt regulated childcare available even if a mum did want to pursue a career. It wasnt that women were any less capable, it was lack of opportunity. I suspect far more couples nowadays are more evenly matched, career-wise

However I completely see your point mrskoala that if you have a job rather than a career, that's going to be a factor in deciding whether to remain in it

Ps mrskoala- It's never too late to start thinking about a pension; even if you only have time to build a modest one its worth serious consideration. A lot of people believe the state pension won't be around much longer, and even if your husband has a great pension, you may be surprised at how meagre the widows pension is if he pre deceases you.... Slightly off topic there but it's something a lot of women overlook, and which can then come as a shock later on.

I agree with janey. Not working is one thing, not assuring your own financial independence (whether married or single) is reckless.

I don't know many people who have these amazing, fulfilling high paying careers that would be able to support them and their kids.

What about insurance? I'm a SAHM who is being 'bankrolled' by my DH (who is more than happy to be sole breadwinner and earns enough to give us a very comfortable lifestyle).

We have taken out extensive insurance which will coverme should the worst happen to DH. I probably would have to get a job after a year or so but part time would be sufficient.

I would strongly recommend every SAHM look into good insurance cover if they are dependent on their DH supporting them financially.

Well, by definition most people aren't going to be in 'high paying' careers. If they were, average earnings would change and what we perceive to be 'high earning' would rise.

Many of our friends are similar to us in that they are in salaried professions, not earning the earth but certainly earning enought to make it financially worthwhile, and to accrue a good pension (once those crippling nursery costs are over with!)

Bling you don't know any women doctors, lawyers, accountants, businesswomen, actuaries,web designers,journalists...

Isn't life insurance compulsory with a mortgage anyway dimsum, which would cover a lot of people. Certainly everyone I know who's a home owner would have their mortgage paid off and a lump sum in the event of their partner dying. But you're right to raise this, because its something not everyone thinks about... I guess we all have a tendency to try to avoid thinking the worst.

However, even what seems a very healthy lump sum can disappear very quickly when you're relying on it to live, so alongside insurance I think the pension issue needs consideration too

Word - yes I do know some but I also know many who have standard office jobs, work in shops and supermarkets, TA's in school etc. I grew up from a relatively poor WC background - most folk didn't go to uni or have high flying careers. Do you know anyone that works in a supermarket?

Janey - I don't think we could afford a pension or insurance. DH doesn't have a pension either. We have put whatever money we have in shares/investments which seems to be making more than a pension would. But we don't have money to put away monthly - that we couldn't get access too if we needed it like savings i mean.

I'm currently a fully fledged SAHM after a few years playing with the idea. A third child was the deciding factor. I have wobbles about this weekly, did any of the long term stay at home parents have wobbles in the early days? Do these go away or is it a sign I'm probably no in it for the long haul?

Finance wise, we got married and have a second rental property that is our pension, hopefully if everything goes to plan this will be a bit of a money earner for me especially when the mortgage starts to get smaller.

A lot of my mum friends have careers, in fact most, they've all returned to work albeit part time in some cases. They're mostly 10-15 years older than me so had proper careers before kids which is something I didn't and I'm sure this contributes to why I stay at home now.

word - i don't know any women who do those jobs. They best careers of a few women i know are teachers and nurses. All others work in very low paid shop, carer or admin/call centre roles. Of my NCT group all the men easily earned 2-3 times the womans wage. In my old job (call centre) every woman who worked there had free childcare from family - otherwise it wouldn't be possible.

bling my mum worked in supermarkets all her life (when she was well and when the work was available). But WC women make the discussion of the op nul and void. Wc women have to work and always have! That they are universally low paid jobs is another issue.

I'm WC, no uni education but don't have to work as my WC husband is a high earner. I guess we don't fit into the usual brackets. We moved away and have friends from many different backgrounds from Doctors, journalist to cleaners and care home assistants. There is always the talk on Mn and these threads that women need to have that career to support themselves ( great if they can and have) - always makes me think of Xenia - the reality for most women is probably different.

Oddly enough all my female friends in low paid jobs are MC (not me i'm new money) and uni educated. We just chose subjects which don't convert to jobs. ie arts, philosophy, media etc. If i could go back and change one thing i would have trained as a painter and decorator rather than doing Art History.

Bling that's my background too.

WC women are shafted every bloody which way. Coralled into the worst paid, least protected jobs which offer them little protection or independence.

The choices WC women make are often those between a rock and a hard place.

Koala I know what you mean about the nouveau pauvre.

But I still wouldn't say that supermarkets, factories, care homes etc are full of university educated middle class women!

I stopped working 9 years ago when my dd was born and at the moment I have no intention of going back to work.

I did have a 'proper job' before I retired but it was working as a management consultant which isn't conducive to childcare. My dh had a similar job although was always more career driven than me. I have never considered that my role whether working or being a sahm defines who I am. I have never understood why people think less of me now that I don't work. A good friend was shocked when I retired, she said 'but you're an intelligent person and now you're going to be a glorified nursery nurse'.
I enjoy my role as the mainstay of the family. I look after the children and am able to be there for school plays, sports matches etc. Because I have always looked after them I know them implicitly.

I do the household chores like bills, holidays, online shopping etc. However that is hardly time-consuming. Yes I do clean the house, but again, spending an hour or so a day doing that is hardly the end of the world. The rest of my day is spent doing what I want to do. I read, do sport, see friends, spend time with my widowed mum and have fun.

My dh knows that he has done as well as he has, because I have been there in the background supporting him. I don't resent him for the fact that he has a successful career. I have a successful career too, it's just not recognised as one. I think I'm a bloody good mum and that means more to me than being a good management consultant.

Dh and I have life insurance on each other. If my dh were to die I would probably not have to work either as we have a fair amount of investments. If dh were to divorce me then conceivably I would be in trouble however that isn't likely to happen and I think it's bonkers to just have a job in case we were to split up.

Plenty of my friends work ft or pt. I have no issue with what other people do, I don't really see why I should. I thought that feminism meant that women had options in life, and yet sometimes it feels as if being a sahm is not one of those and that we're 'letting the side down'.

Sorry, my last posts sounded a bit glum. Many of my WC friends and family who I grew up with have good jobs and have done well inspite of the dodgy education and low expectations, just that most didn't go to uni or moved away from what was a very depressed and underprivileged area. Good solid jobs, just not high earning or considered the higher career jobs. What's classed as a high earner these days anyway?

folly has anyone on the thread said you're letting the side down?

I have loved being at home but have always wanted to contribute some way, so work evenings. That way I have no childcare issues, my time with the kids is focused on them (As housework can be done whilst their at school)and I get some time out on my own. At times I feel I should be working more, especially when a big bill arrives but its so hard to balance school holidays etc. I do look back on my past career and uni days with such fondness and miss it often, but I know I'll get back there one day. At the moment I'll work around my kids, as I feel in the scheme of things (ie how long our working life's are - I'm 32 so got a good 30 left) it's nice to be spending my time with my kiddies. They won't be that for long!