I can't ever imagine returning to work. And I'm quite happy with that

[Anyfuckerisnotguilty]

Although I realise that makes me seem quite odd to others

But I actually really like not working and just being able to do whatever I want

Come from an old mining village. Very few folk leave so generations of families still there. I know very few folk who paid for childcare. They just didn't figure it in. There was always GPs, friends, siblings etc who could provide free care. Where I live now is full of folk who moved for work so left their families behind and childcare is much more common.

happymilly excellent post.

Also, of course not working and being home can be boring at times - just as many jobs can be. Don't know that many folk in exciting, fabulous, mega bucks jobs who would continue exactly as they are if they didn't have to.

Happymilly has pretty much said how I feel. I'm fortunate that financially I don't need to work therefore I really don't see why I would want to add a whole bunch of stress onto my life just for the sake of it.

Chunderella, thank you. I do actually agree that choice is lacking for many women not only to sah if that's what they want but also to work if that's what they would like.
I fully support the notion of more public funding to support good quality and flexible childcare at an affordable price to help widen that choice.

Happymillie - just read your last post and agree, that reflects our situation. We don't need the money and me working would just make everything more complicated, stressful and harder? I know we are lucky to have the choice. I also agree with those who say they value their independence and the ability and confidence to provide for themselves and their children if they had to. Relying on your husband or partner can be a worry.

happymillie excellent post.

Excellent post happymilly and I totally agree with everything you wrote.

I think people get too hung up on this idea of things being split exactly 50:50. I don't know any couple in RL who agonise over whether mum has spent half an hour longer doing the bath routine or whether dad cooked more dinners than mum this week. Life isn't like that!

What I do recognise (in my own relationship and many others around me) is couples who don't have vastly differing skills and attribute, who don't have vastly differing views on career, and who don't pigeonhole themselves into an exclusive role of 'financial provider' or 'carer.' I see mums who are every bit as capable and interested in their work as their partner is, and dads who are enjoy spending time with their children as much as their partner does.

I think that's the scenario people like annielobsedor was referring to; it's certainly what I mean when I talk about equal balance , not some artificial totting up of tasks.

And like I always way on these threads, there is absolutely nothing wrong with couples who do both want to do things differently. Some people partner someone who has a very different outlook and is happy to immerse themself in a full on career or happy to give up a career totally. And that's fine when it suits those families- in fact I'm sure it works brilliantly if you have strong views that you partner someone who complements that

I just don't think it should come as a surprise that in 2014, the traditional set up is far less common. Boys and girls aren't raised to expect a particular life path as used to be the case. Its really relatively recently that women have had the opportunity to continue in professions and careers because regulated childcare didn't exist until recently, though I am aware that among less well off families women would have worked, perhaps using older siblings, relatives or neighbours for informal childcare.

There is no right or wrong way, it's down to individual families to run things how it suits them, but society is constantly evolving and I really don't think it should be a huge surprise to anyone that with these changes, a lot of women and men share similar aspirations. I would never want the pressure of the kind of job that commands 100k plus, what with the hours and travel that would no doubt involve. I value my time at home too much. It's no surprise to me that my DH feels the same. It's worked very well for us to both share earning (at a good but manageable level) and share the household and child responsibilities.

Long post there- but I really wanted to clarify what many of us who talk about 'equal balance' between couples means. For some, that balance is achieved by one Parent working and one at home; but for many others its achieved by a more equal distribution of those tasks.

I agree with Happymillie on this topic.

I do little bits of free lance work here and there but generally I'm SAHM and have been for over a decade. My DH works long hours often abroad and the thought of chucking another full time job into the mix seems hideous.

Yes occasionally I do feel vulnerable as not sure how I would cope back in the work place full time but guess I would have to deal with that if I did need to go back for any reason.

I love being at home and caring for my family without the stress of us both being exhausted and trying to manage childcare etc, mostly I feel privileged to have a choice as know many haven't.

I can see that if you have a partner working abroad a lot it's probably easier all round for the other to not work or at least take a step back career wise. If I had a job like that I'd probably want my husband to be around more at home- that totally makes sense.

I went back to work PT 18 months ago after 11 years of being an SAHM. The driving factors were the loss of our Child Benefit and then DH being made redundant and only being able to find a new job in London. We didn't want to relocate to London so my little 25 hour salary now covers the cost of DH's commute as well as the "lost" CB. I also wanted to make sure that I kept up my NI contributions to protect my state pension, not to mention that when DC leave home I am sure they will need a lot of financial support to get through Uni and then on to the housing ladder. I would like to be able to help them as it will be far tougher for them then it was for me and DH.
The only thing that makes going to work enjoyable for me is knowing that I am not only contributing financially to our household now, but hopefully future proofing it too. If I didn't need to do it for this then I would have remained a SAHM as trying to juggle family life is now much harder with DH often away so I am not only working but also 100% responsible for DC during the week. Child care in the holidays is also now a major consideration as my DC have always been used to having me around. It's hard on them too.

I agree with that, Janey, although I don't see my own situation as not having that balance simply because he works and I don't. It's true that through the week he sees less of the kids but he is a very hands on dad in every other respect and I think that's key. I do know of other couples in similar circs to my own where the DH sees his weekends as downtime for him and is off at the football or pub. So in effect the mum ends up doing her bit 7days a week. We have never been like that and DH is always up for spending the weekends doing stuff with the kids and as a family. Also, he always up for having them to himself if I want to go away and stay with friends which I probably do about twice a year.

When he's here he cooks, cleans, mops up sick etc just like any other parent. He also skypes the kids from the US and brings them back stuff like maps and interesting stuff he comes across not available here. The other benefit to his job is the 6wks paid holiday he gets which ensures we have lots of quality time as a family. Very unusual for a US company but he negotiated well when they headhunter him. I think we have the balance right for us But I'm more than happy to accept that that balance is achieved differently by other couples.

I didn't Palm the kids off and return immediately?no I waited 6mth
Presumably you extend the same palm off disdain to men who return to work ASAP?
Lol,palming off.yep,and happy to do so,had nursery all booked at 12 week pg

Another thing to consider (particularly for the poster whose parents moved away from home in the 80s) is the way things are now with much less job security - yes, there was a lot of regional unemployement in the 80s but if you moved somewhere to get work you generally had the work. There's a lot of talk about 'flexibility' these days but that usually translates as 'being willing to work unpaid overtime with no notice/zero-hours contracts.' Moving 'where the work is' is much less of an option when there is little or no guaranteed work for the unskilled or non-professional-high-status worker - if you stay in familiar surroundings you have a better chance of there being someone you can tap for emergency childcare, than if you have moved to a new area where you don't know anyone.
The current economic model seems to be that it's great to have a huge pool of available workers who are so desperate to earn that they will take anything on, but who can just be put back in the box when not needed - ignoring how awful this makes life for those workers.

sm, I usually love your posts, but dont you get fed up with going on about the same old thing? seriously, you must have posted your above post about a million times here, it must be boring you to death by now, surely?

sm is a one trick pony - although i do chuckle at the Missus Miggins references usually!

or the precious moments crew/nursery booked at 12 weeks..when the kids are now about 30....

I agree with what Happymillie wrote however ...

I was a very happy SAHM for years and had rude awakening when XH left and I needed to get a job in my mid forties. In hindsight my naive complacency was foolish

Yes ok you can't base your life on what ifs or predict the worst but I wish I had done things differently

Precious Moments is priceless! Good value on the whole but I think doth protest a wee bit much sometimes.

anyway, not meaning to bash sm here, where the hell is the op? she posts a smug thread title then buggers off, only to return with an airy "oh sorry guys, didnt know I'd wound you all up so much, silly old me" shite, when what I want to know is who funds her princess life? cos it sure aint her.

Agree coming - I have loved being a SAHM (with a school age child ) but although I am still with my DH our financial circumstances have changed considerably and looking for a job in your mid 50s is not that easy .

For as long as folk Chunter on about palming off etc,I'll retort.its a mn perennial
For as long as folk ask how could anyone miss precious moments,I'll clarify work isn't guilt inducing
I'm not going to change mn pov,don't expect to.but I will clarify its possible to work without prefixing it with had to

And you are funny ssd

I'm the same! I do casual work but by casual I mean really casual. I can take it or leave it. I'm not well off either. I just prefer it! Maybe when dd starts school I'll change my mind but I know after a month or two I'll be longing for the stay at home days
I never get bored either. I am a real homebody!
I'm glad my dh isn't the same or we'd be screwed.

Hmmm. Haven't read the full thread but you are all on a topic that's very immediate for me just now. Been out of work 15 years since DC1 was born, been trying to go back for the past year only. Things are complicated not only by the length of time I've been out and 3 DC but also by the fact that DS2, though in school FT, does have significant SN; DH earns more than enough to support us all; on the other hand, though being at home was great even for me personally the first 9 years, and was necessary for the family for the next say 3 years, given our situation, still, by now it is really, really, really CRUSHING me. I am lonely, I feel worthless, I know that if I can get a reasonable job that it would be better for me. For me. I am not 100% sure it would be better for the rest of the family but I don't think they would suffer too much, and after all, it's a fair trade-off, I am not a carpet and do feel I have rights here too. But of course after so long out I am not highly obviously employable.

So please bear in mind, OP, all of you, that situations and feelings change. What I really think is that society should enable more flexibility and back-and-forth about this kind of thing.

One thing I thought was interesting was that when I started talking to my friends about "going back to work" the ones who are in work, who mostly have been in work FT or PT all along, were immensely supportive, encouraging, helped in practical ways, warned me very frankly of the pitfalls and risks and issues. My fellow SAHMs universally replied, without pause for thought, "Oh no, that could never work for you with DS2, why would you?" This is of course why they are SAHMs and they are not necessarily wrong, but it gave me a revelation:

WOMEN WHO ARE OPTIMISTS are more likely to try to combine work and family. WOMEN WHO ARE PESSIMISTS give up sooner, though they may well (in my experience and scientific evidence) often be more realistic.

I'm a pessimist struggling to become an optimist.