I can't ever imagine returning to work. And I'm quite happy with that

[Anyfuckerisnotguilty]

Although I realise that makes me seem quite odd to others

But I actually really like not working and just being able to do whatever I want

Yes, I think living in a more urban area where there is a lot more available good quality childcare must make a huge difference to how easy it is to work!

I have noticed the opposite Chunderella. I find it is the better off that have grandparents able to care. Maybe as the grandmother doesn't need to work or the grandfather has retired early. The lower income families parents may well still have to work themselves so are unable to do the care.

Of course, quite apart from work commitments, grandparents may want to lead their own lives, be it doing voluntary work, sitting on committees, pursuing a hobby or taking holidays during off peak time. I think committing to regular childcare, even part time, is a big thing, because looking after young children is challenging and can feel quite relentless (especially at the running around stage!) and I can quite see that while it may work for some families, having access to regulated affordable childcare is desirable for society

It's interesting and clearly differs from one area to another. Yes, there is probably much more of it going on in areas such as where I am originally from. Though I find it interesting that the girls I was at infant school with, their children are now at secondary school or they are already GPs themselves!

Those of you who use grandparents as childcare - will you be happy to do the same for your children? Will you be in a position to do so, what would you do about your own career?

Quite honestly I would not want to have to provide childcare for my own DS - my own parents have enjoyed their retirement and have led busy, active lives in the community, they didn't actually live near us so childcare would never have been a practical option - but even so I wouldn't have considered for a minute that they would want to spend their retirement years as 'child carers'. A different matter providing the occasion evening/weekend babysitting - but to expect parents to commit to regular days for childcare when they have their own lives to lead seems a bit much.

I am struck by the poster whose husband is fine with her not earning, and would be fine with her starting a part time job, but would not be happy with her working full time, as he wouldn't want to do the extra work that came with that.

This, for me, was the big risk of taking time out. I loved being a SAHM, and it worked very well for us. But when I returned to work, I fully intended to "lean back in". And in order for that to work, DH had to change his working practices, and ultimately his job.

But then since we have been together (20+ years), we have frequently renegotiated our work/home responsibilities in the light of changes to our circumstances.

I guess, like Ragwort that it would never have occurred to me that GP would/could play a part in childcare. I know my kids have missed out on a lot due to not having any extended family at all but it never occurred to me that it may have included the odd day of childcare. I think of it more in terms of visiting for weekends and stuff. It's great that it's an option for so many families but as I said, even if either were still alive and lived close they both worked f/t in fairly high powered jobs and honestly would never have considered fiving up their careers to care for my small children. My mother I think due to qualifying late and realising how much she enjoyed working and my MIL because she was not in the least bit maternal and went back to work when each of her own kids were very small as she hated being at home.

'but to expect parents to commit to regular days for childcare when they have their own lives to lead seems a bit much.'

I think that's the key though, we expected nothing, it was freely offered, and if the offer had had to change because of illness or whatever, we'd have dealt with that as well. It worked because we were reasonable and honest with each other and discussed what had to happen openly.
Will I be in the same position?
Depends how old I am when my children have children, how fit I am and if they choose to live anywhere near me. And if they want the help.
I'm mid-fifties now, working FT for another 10 years is the plan, then go PT/Retired.

I honestly think that because I'm an old dear now and considered a high risk pregnancy due to being well into my 40s, I'll be totally falling apart by the time my kids may want or need me.

I'm starting to think there's a lot to be said for having kids in your late teens or early 20s. Then they leave home when you're mid40s and you are young enough and financially stable enough to have a fantastic life post kids!

I am completely confliceted about this.

I would love to, to relieve the drugery. But the thought of trying to share what I do equally with DH...making that adjustment, the stress.

But I dont think it would ever pan out fair. So probably part time to be balanced. But then I get annoyed and think that is not fair how am I supposed to pursue my new career on this basis.

So I try to appreicate what I have.

Well, I can't imagine not working and not being in charge of my own finances, destiny and independence. I also can't imagine DH and I in a partnership where we didn't share equal time with and responsibility for our DC, but each to their own.

I think the health and fitness of the grandparents is key, as well as their willingness to be honest about how much they want to do, and the parents' willingness to compromise on some things. I loved the fact my children adored my mum, never felt jealous or infringed on. I felt the more people that were truly there for my children the better.
Plus you try getting childcare for an explosive Aspie. Almost impossible.

I could combine being a mother with working fulltime. Hell, I did it for a short while.
I hated being so busy all the time, despite having a dh who did his fair share and more besides. It was just busy busy rush rush no time work work bloody stress. I know some people probably think I'm a lazy cow for now being an almost fulltime sahm, but I don't give a flying one anymore because I'm happy and the kids are 100% happier.

Silverapples, now you are making me want to cry.
'I felt the more people that were truly there for my children the better.'

I wish mine had at least one living GP who would love them close to the way we do or even an aunt or uncle. My mum was killed around the time DC2 was born and my dad pretty much died of a broken heart a year later. And whilst I don't think they would ever have provided childcare, I do think sometimes it would be nice to have someone other than DH to share their achievements with.

Annie, that's great that your jobs allow that but my DH works stupid hours and spends 1wk a month in the US so an equal division of labour is simply unrealistic. But we don't feel it needs to be exactly the same to be fair.
He's no more in control of me than I am of him though!

I can't imagine actually having the choice! The only people I know around here who aren't working are either unemployed (the majority), retired, on mat or pat leave and planning on returning or can't work due to e.g. disability. Not one through choice in fact.

Mumsnet always bangs the equal division of labour drum whilst ignoring the fact that individual circumstances often get in the way of that!

In some ways, I would like it, I think. But, I don't have an option. I would love even to be able to take time out, say a year or two, but in the company I work in, not a chance. Plus, the bills have to be paid...

Worriedthistimearound - I didn't say labour was equal. Time and responsibility for DC are, however. I also didn't say things should be the same way for everyone else. Obviously if one of us worked away that would be different.

And any family is welcome to split their time/labour at home/work in any way that suits them.

Personally, I couldn't stand being financially dependent on anyone. But that's just me.

That, and I really love my job, in which I recognise that I'm very lucky.

I can't really understand the obsession of some people on here that as soon as your children start primary school you should be straight back in to full time work.

Children are only at school for 6 hours a day and have at least 13/14 weeks off a year so unless you have a 9-3 term time job you are going to have to use childcare and personally I don't like the thought of sending my kids to a childminder or afterschool clubs or holiday clubs.

One poster suggested that free childcare is the answer but tbh even if that existed surely a lot of people would not want to use it. I don't think that the only reason people don't go back to work is the cost of childcare is it? Do people really see children as that much of an inconvenience that they have to palm them off on others and start working full time asap?

For most people life is much easier if one parent is SAHM or works part time around school hours. Nice to be able to drop the kids off and pick them up, help them with homework, no rush in the evenings to get everything done after a busy day at work, no stress about who takes time off when the kids are sick, no guilt if you can't make assemblys/plays. If you don't need to work then why would you make your life more difficult?

If you enjoy full time work and want to do it fine, but I don't for one minute believe that you are somehow morally more superior or make a more valid contribution than those who choose to stay at home. Most of life involves some sort of compromise and often having one SAHP and one full time worker is a good way of making sure a family has both it's financial and emotional needs met.

Usuallyright

I totally agree. There seems very few circumstances where it is possible for an equal division of labour.
I also think it is very sad that people actually know that they either do or don't share 50/50 with their partner and if in deed it matters at all.
if everything gets done what is the worry, partnerships don't have to be 50/50 to survive.
I have always done more domestic and raising the dc than my dh has done, but he also has done far more of it than many men I know, so what does it matter?