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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my fiance to be an equal partner?

102 replies

helenfs71 · 09/01/2014 12:41

My fiancé has been with me for 4 years and we have a baby boy (6mths) I also have a daughter who is 8 years old who I have brought up as a single parent till she was 5 (turns 9 in May.)My partner and I live in a flat which I pay a mortgage on, I bought when dd was born. My partner came to the relationship with some unpaid debts and poor financing (lost a house)and a job which paid a little more than half my annual income. I worked and studied hard lots of hours to get a good job especially when by dd came along to make sure I was earning enough to pay bills. Initially we started out with a plan to get him on his feet and I continued to pay all the bills apart from groceries which he pays for ( sometimes he struggles to do this as he says he has run out of money). He planned to find a better paid job to ensure he could afford more things. 3 years on he has found a slightly better paid job with better shifts and benefits. However he has not sorted out his finances, leaves most matters, finances, chores, tradesmen for me to deal with and pay for. I have told him I don't see us as an equal couple and I do the lions share of everything which is not good basis to get married. I have taken a year off for maternity leave and he sees now that I will not only pay all the bills (I am paying everything with savings) but I don't do much now and should be picking up all the housework as well as everything else. I am trying to start a new business, finish off more qualifications and ensure that the house is ready to sell. I am also hunting for good schools, checking out the commutes and looking for affordable housing. I also have mortgage arranged looking into legal side too. My DP is doing nothing apart from moaning and asking me to do stuff. He did agree the commute was ok after I lost my temper with this obstructiveness and completed trial commute in good time. I am at breaking point last night because he gets perks( low cost flights) I had to take my daughter out of school or we would not go on holiday basically it's tough if I get fines and it's my responsibility to sort it out. Fed up although he says he wants to sort himself out I get no feeling that he is thinks he has equal responsibilities for anything. He thinks I will do everything. When we first got engaged and were togeather I never doubted he would pull his weight now I think he would be happy if I did everything and he just went to work and came home (he does some housework-less now I am off and sometimes misses chores when he is tired or busy with personal stuff) but never wants to take responsibility for major financial issues or life plans. Any advice??

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 09/01/2014 12:46

For goodness sake don't marry this man, tell him to shape up or ship out.

Imagine how different your life would be without him dragging you down, not to mention the effect this must have on your daughter.

Hegsy · 09/01/2014 12:47

Yes, LTB, seriously what is he bringing to this relationship? You're on ML and still paying for everything? Please do not marry this man! I think you have the epitomy of a cocklodger.

Get yourself a new home and don't invite him to move into it.

Weeantwee · 09/01/2014 12:55

He is clearly wanting a mother, not a wife!

ilovesooty · 09/01/2014 12:57

Is there some redeeming feature in this guy that I'm missing here?

LunaticFringe · 09/01/2014 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/01/2014 13:08

Man child /cocklodger

He isn't adding much to your life is he?

MyPrettyToes · 09/01/2014 13:09

I will be blunt here Helen. You either accept that this is your life forever with this man or you leave him. It could be as simple as that or you could complicate things for you and your children by thinking you may be able to change him. You cannot. He is a cocklodger.

You sound awesome - a wonderful mother and a strong independent woman. Don't let this bastard bring you down.

BookroomRed · 09/01/2014 13:14

You sound admirable. He sounds like a sullen, disorganised teenager along for the ride. I strongly advise against marrying him, as it sounds as if your relationship is already 'hardened' into you being the adult payer and organiser, and him being the whiney, juvenile payee. Do you want to embark on a marriage as a meal-ticket for someone who just can't be bothered to get it together?

robotnikchair · 09/01/2014 13:21

You are brave to put this on AIBU; expect to hear from practically everyone that you should LTB, like you can just dismantle a relationship and become a single parent again in five seconds flat. You say you're at breaking point - does he know this really and truly? Maybe some time spent apart would buck his ideas up, or go speak to a relationship counsellor? Just some thoughts - good luck OP, its a really difficult situation you're in Wine

Forester · 09/01/2014 13:29

I don't think everything needs to be equal - but I do think both parties should do their fair share. So from what you've said it makes sense that you take responsibility for finance matters but there needs to be other areas where he takes responsibility. You need to talk.

JeanSeberg · 09/01/2014 13:36

expect to hear from practically everyone that you should LTB, like you can just dismantle a relationship and become a single parent again in five seconds flat

Well if everyone says leave him, that should tell the OP something shouldn't it.

As for doing it in 'five seconds flat', I've not read any posts that say it's instant but as the alternative is a life of being dragged down by a waste of space, I'd say it's worth investing time and effort into making a nice life without him.

BookroomRed · 09/01/2014 13:41

To be fair, robot, it wouldn't involve much 'breaking up' in terms of logistics on the OP's part, as it's clear that she owns the flat, pays the mortgage, pays all bills apart from groceries, handles the finances, earns a decent living. He manages his salary so poorly that he does not always manage to contribute to groceries, and the OP is funding their family from savings while on mat. leave.

Presumably their baby could continue to see her father in the event of him moving out, but it's hardly a matter of trying to break up a household where there would be complex financial issues to be ironed out.

WitchOfEndor · 09/01/2014 13:43

I am usually reluctant to jump on the LTB bandwagon but this isn't just about not paying his way or pulling his weight around the house, he is also not treating your child as his responsibility either. If you get involved with a person with a child you have to accept that they will be part of your life as well. That would be the dealbreaker for me, not the general fecklessness, but the disregard for your eldest child.

LilMissSunshine9 · 09/01/2014 13:51

I'll be honest when I read your post I thought instantly well if he wasn't in your life it wouldn't make much of a difference really considering your paying for practically everything apart from groceries. So really if you got rid of him its not like your not going to cope. I would ditch him seriously if you aren't happy now in your engagement phase marriage isn't going to change him.

helenfs71 · 09/01/2014 14:25

sounds ruthless but if I leave him I will not get a 3 bedroomed house because he needs to be on mortgage and move on from a too small 2 bed flat. We don't sleep togeather... in any way he snores (he has gone to sleep clinic) and we gave up 'activities' as he said I needed to 'do more' and I lost interest by being nagged to 'perform' and him not being interested whilst I was pregnant. my daughter thinks he's lazy but loves him. I love him but think he is lazy and too reliant on me. you have confirmed my decision to not marry him, tie up legal agreements for the house and ditch him if he does not perform;) on my terms!

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 09/01/2014 14:31

Have I understood correctly, the mortgage is in both your names but only you pay it?

I'd be seeking legal advice in your position to get that issue sorted. It's not good that your daughter is witnessing this.

ROARmeow · 09/01/2014 14:36

"...we gave up 'activities' as he said I needed to 'do more' and I lost interest by being nagged to 'perform' and him not being interested whilst I was pregnant."

Life is too short for that crap. LTB.

ToniViolin · 09/01/2014 14:39

fucking hell, get out now and stop wasting your time.

helenfs71 · 09/01/2014 14:39

No current mortgage is in my name but we planned to move due to having such a small flat. we couldn't stay here long term with a girl and a boy in one bedroom. they next mortgage is agreed on both of our incomes when we move (with poor credit ratings.) He did not plan to pay any mortgage however it is possible he could contribute some money and we could set up a legal agreement to reflect this. I might be trapped in a relationship but I will be trapped in a flat too if I am not careful. I think I will sit him down and set things out for him. Setting out a plan of what he needs to pay for and what I expect with children not around.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 09/01/2014 14:42

Throughout my marriage there has been disparity in earnings. The earning weren't an issue as we both respected the other person and their contribution to the partnership which is so much more than can be quantified in money.

Tbh, if there is disparity and lack of respect and support in other respects of the relationship, not just money, then this is far more serious.

helenfs71 · 09/01/2014 14:43

Marrying him would be financial suicide. I was not sure what other peoples relationships were like whether it was common for women to support their partners. I think I have a clear message this is not common.

I would have to say my partner is the least nastiest man I have dated in my life so I don't have comparisons which is why I came on.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 09/01/2014 14:44

Do not marry him and do not get a mortgage with him!

Worriedthistimearound · 09/01/2014 14:52

It's not you financially supporting him that's the problem. It's the fact that he is a lazy sod who doesn't pull his weight or respect you. I'm a sahm so all our money is earned by DH but I certainly pull my weight to support us as a family in other ways. Also, I financially supported us both upon graduation to allow him to go to law school. It doesn't need to be equal to be fair. Tbh, your biggest issue is that he's an arse, not that you earn more than him.

Corygal · 09/01/2014 14:59

"He did not plan on paying any mortgage". Oh come on....

If you marry him, you'll be supporting him for life.

petalsandstars · 09/01/2014 15:48

Don't tie yourself to him financially. You will regret it sommuch.