Am I being unreasonable to expect my fiance to be an equal partner?

[helenfs71]

My fiancé has been with me for 4 years and we have a baby boy (6mths) I also have a daughter who is 8 years old who I have brought up as a single parent till she was 5 (turns 9 in May.)My partner and I live in a flat which I pay a mortgage on, I bought when dd was born. My partner came to the relationship with some unpaid debts and poor financing (lost a house)and a job which paid a little more than half my annual income. I worked and studied hard lots of hours to get a good job especially when by dd came along to make sure I was earning enough to pay bills. Initially we started out with a plan to get him on his feet and I continued to pay all the bills apart from groceries which he pays for ( sometimes he struggles to do this as he says he has run out of money). He planned to find a better paid job to ensure he could afford more things. 3 years on he has found a slightly better paid job with better shifts and benefits. However he has not sorted out his finances, leaves most matters, finances, chores, tradesmen for me to deal with and pay for. I have told him I don't see us as an equal couple and I do the lions share of everything which is not good basis to get married. I have taken a year off for maternity leave and he sees now that I will not only pay all the bills (I am paying everything with savings) but I don't do much now and should be picking up all the housework as well as everything else. I am trying to start a new business, finish off more qualifications and ensure that the house is ready to sell. I am also hunting for good schools, checking out the commutes and looking for affordable housing. I also have mortgage arranged looking into legal side too. My DP is doing nothing apart from moaning and asking me to do stuff. He did agree the commute was ok after I lost my temper with this obstructiveness and completed trial commute in good time. I am at breaking point last night because he gets perks( low cost flights) I had to take my daughter out of school or we would not go on holiday basically it's tough if I get fines and it's my responsibility to sort it out. Fed up although he says he wants to sort himself out I get no feeling that he is thinks he has equal responsibilities for anything. He thinks I will do everything. When we first got engaged and were togeather I never doubted he would pull his weight now I think he would be happy if I did everything and he just went to work and came home (he does some housework-less now I am off and sometimes misses chores when he is tired or busy with personal stuff) but never wants to take responsibility for major financial issues or life plans. Any advice??

he is a mummy's boy.He runs to his mum every time he has a problem. what is worse he refuses to sort his finances out he thinks it is too difficult. He doesn't think he has to do too much what ever happened to guys fixing things. One of my friends partner always sorts her car out for her i.e. topping up levels and making sure she remembers to book it in for mot if not taking it in just because he is sweet. my partner just issues instructions on me sorting out. I can do it myself without instruction(quite insulting) but maybe I would like someone else to do it for me. Maybe I am too busy doing everything else

Do you mean financially direct comparisons? Or in terms of emotional/practical support?

Financially, I'm a teacher and DH is a lawyer. I'm a sahm and have been, on and off, for a large number of years. We have 3kids, will have 4 in March. DH works long hours and is away in the US for a week every month/6wks. If I worked f/t I'd earn a max of about 35k. He earns around 150k. I don't work because logistically it would be a nightmare with his long hours and being away so much. He has told me on many an occasion that me staying at home is what allows him to do what he does and earn what he does. Therefore it's our money not his.

When he's home, he cooks, cleans and helps look after the kids. Once at stopped BF he has always got up and shared night feeds at weekends. He takes them out, spends time with them and looks after all 3 for evenings and occasional weekends to allow me to go out, do stuff etc.

But that's what marriage/partnership is like, is it not? It certainly should be.

Oh and DH worked with a woman whose DH is a physiotherapist who, to enable her to work similar hours to my DH, gave up his job to be a sahd. I think he was at home until their youngest went to school now he works part time. We see them socially occasionally and they both seem very happy in their relationship. Again, I think like us they view it all as a partnership.

Meant to add, so it's not because he's a man. If our jobs were reversed like the other lawyer that I just mentioned and I worked silly hours for lots of cash then DH would have happily sah too. You work around the dynamics of your partnership.

Shortly after DP and I moved in together I took a pay cut to move into the industry I wanted a career in and to get enough experience to do what I really wanted to do, and eventually earn good money. It was a really tough year and we had to be careful. We always paid 50/50 into joint account and I had very little left. DP supported me in what I wanted to do and offered to split the contribution to joint account according to our earnings - so something like 30/70. I said no, but DP then made sure he paid for the lions share of 'extras'.

Now I am earning a wage more similar to his, we split things more evenly.

Maybe you suggest the pays x percent of his wage and you pay x amount of yours? That might help on the financial side of things?

I earn 33k he earns 22k. Both of us are able to pick ups or drop offs. which I have made sure he does his share. I saved up this time around so I could be off this time around for a year on ML. I pay 80% of the bills (you do the maths) I increased what I earned so I could go part time and still afford to live and spend time with my children. I have done numerous qualifications and slogged my guts out to get there. He hasn't tried to improve his lot very much but he has got a better job in the last few months which saved us because if he hadn't I could not ask him to pay additional bills. I could not leave my kids to do long hours so he could stay at home, that's just me, it is what ever works for whoever. I am an independent working mum but 50% of me needs to be with my kids and 50% needs other stuff to work be my own person. He works come home and does not do a lot else. I see his role as doing up the house, helping out generally and working, he does help with the kids but I do the lions share and he rarely does DIY. I will eventually go part time ( 4 days) this will happen when he has sorted his finances as well. We have had it out tonight he has been given an ultimatum. Sort his debt out sort his finances and help pay his way, stop nagging, or ship out and he has been told I am not marrying him for indefinite period of time until there is a decision about his worthiness or commitment. He knows it's unlikely I will marry him at all.

I would love to know people take on all levels of commitment emotional, financial and practical. What people think a good couple is and if they think they are one

I am the breadwinner in our relationship. Dh used to have a well paid job (earned more than me) but changed career and went part time when we had kids.
We have 2 joint accounts. Into one we pay equally. This covers the bills. Into the other we pay proportionately based on our respective salaries. This buys food, holidays, treats, the car... if there is not enough money we get no treats. We both keep back a bit of pocket money. This means we both have a bit of cash to spend or save ans buys coffee out, clothes, mobile phones,hair cuts etc.

it works for us and means that we both are equally responsible for bills.

Mostly I don't mind being the breadwinner but I am aware that I can't afford to lose my job or take a career break or retrain because we can't afford it and that makes me feel trapped and slightly resentful.

I also do most of the admin, cleaning, gardening and washing but dh cooks.

I like to think we're a good couple because we respect each other. I think respect is the most fundamental building block of a good relationship. Obviously it's important that we still love each other and have a good sex life. You don't seem to even have the good sex life! Surely that must ring alarm bells if the sex is crisp or non-existent and you're not even married yet? Of course, the sex is not what it was 15yrs ago but whilst its less intense, it's more fun I think. We laugh a lot more during sex and its probably more playful than exotic these days but tbh, that seems to suit us both better now.

In terms of helping out around the house, I do most of the washing and general housework even though I'm fairly rubbish at it. I cook a little but DH is an excellent cook and often does casseroles and stews and all sorts which he then freezes and I just defrost and serve to the kids. He is very good at DIY and does bits and pieces of it every other weekend. We each have a lie in of a weekend and he takes the kids out swimming or to clubs etc.

He never irons. He loathes it with a passion but he would obv do it if I was I'll in bed or had just given birth or something. He also rarely goes Sch runs due to his working hours.

Financially, we have a joint account where everything goes in and everything comes out of. We also have joint savings. We have had a joint account since we moved in together after graduating. That first year it was just my salary going in with everything coming out as he was at law school. Then we had a few years if us both working full time at various income levels. I stopped work after ds1 was born and within a few years his salary went up massively. Same joint money principle applies though. Tbh, there is no way I could contemplate being a sahm if I had to wait for him to pay me an allowance every month. To my mind and dh's, that comes back to the respect thing.

If it bothers you that you earn more than him then that's something you need to discuss. If its because you feel he is lazy and lacking drive that's one thing but if its just because you feel he somehow should earn more than you then that's obviously a fundamental problem and perhaps abut unfair on him. You talk about taking extra qualifications which is great but if he's not that way inclined and never has been then its a bit unfair of you to expect him to do it now.

What us it you would like to see happen? Can you talk about the sex issue with him? Or the work issue? How easy would it be for him to earn more in his industry? It's none if my business but I think you're both a long way off being ready to marry and join finances.

Definitely a cocklodger. Expecting you to pay for everything out of your savings while on maternity leave with his child when he has money coming in? In what universe is that the done thing?

If he's crap with money and has a load of debts that need paying off then he should be transferring his salary minus his repayments and a small amount of spending money into your account as soon as he gets paid.

How much debt does he have? 33+22 k is a fair whack - how can he 'only just' afford groceries?

Sorry but this relationship sounds awful. Your list of things to fix could just read 'everything'! You say you love him but there doesn't sound like there is any affection & that's a 2-way thing.

You sound very hung up on your 'traditional roles' which is a hiding to nothing IMO. Your gripe he isn't doing 'man stuff' is weak. I'd be more concerned about his unequal contribution to family life & "chores" as you say.

I have (fairly) supportive dh (well I could always whinge!) and to explain how that relationship differs from yours would take pages. We are equal partners in parenting, childcare responsibilities, housework, earnings. I've just gone on mat leave too. We don't struggle so we will use his earnings or our savings.

I cook more, he'll sort out bills or car insurance etc. he's away in the week & I do 2 nights of 100% childcare to ds (3).

ATM I mainly begrudge that Im due to give birth any time & he's behind in helping sort out house and clean in time for baby. Plus he works round the clock, my job I don't do the long hours so much anymore. I work pt but earn bit more/similar. He's useless at DIY and disorganised about getting tradespeople in. I mainly leave organising house renovation to him but will take charge to get say on end results or just weigh in in cost & affordability.

I have a lot of respect for all you've done. What does he spend money on if not supporting the family. It sounds like he gets more disposable income than you. That would piss me off!

You'd be better off rid of him then you stand a chance at finding a good man who'd respect you.

I was the higher earner when I worked full time, similar amounts to you and your OH, we paid bills equally and saved what we could but I saved more as had more coming in. The savings all got spent on buying a house and paying for stuff when we had a baby. I went part time after that and since then we have paid everything into a joint account and kept back spending money of equal amounts for both of USAF he contributes more to the household money than me. DH now earns only slightly less full time equivalent to me. He has helped equally with the children and house, although I do the brain work in keeping things organised. Your OH is simply living off you tbh. Don't get married or get a joint mortgage, he will expect you to still pay for the lot but be entitled to part of the house.

YANBU. I hope he is extradordinarily good looking, because he doesn't seem to have anything else going for him!

Seriously, he sounds like he avoids responsibility and I don't think you can change that. Its whether its worth putting up with that for what else he brings to the relationship.

the sex thing is complex, he dropped off, not literally;) when we started trying for a baby. He is 45 I am 42. When we met we fell in love quickly, we wanted all the same things including an addition to our family (I wouldn't have settled for anybody who didn't) We never doubted each others absolute commitment and absolute commitment to a stable family life it was a life goal for both of us. Time was of the essense everything thing went to the backburner, getting married the house etc We got to it quickly! I fell pregnant lost it, I fell pregnant again lost it (much worse this time I was 12 weeks) we were in pieces especially my partner. I new something wasn't right GP said otherwise. We sat down debated our options and decided on IVF not a moment to soon consultant said my eggs were duff. My partner was very, very, very supportive we went ahead with donor eggs. IVF is brutial- partner very supportive. Sex life dwindles (partner wants me to be more active/take more of the lead than him-he seems constantly tired- but on top of this we are both scared to of effecting the treatment -not rational but we are both under pressure.)I fall straight away on first go, pregnancy is terrible I am sick all the time until 18 weeks then start to feel sick at the end, we are terrified of losing the baby. No sex. At 37 weeks they find DS is heart rate low and rush me in for C section, baby rushed to special care baby unit I nearly bleed to death and have two subsequent operations one goes wrong and I am aware/have no pain relief through part of the surgery. Partner very supportive. It has taken me 4 months to feel normal let alone feel like sex although both our sex drives have been loitering, he still wants me to be more active, is not very forthcoming and I guess I just want him to show love and affection before my sex drive will properly kick start. Sorry I did not mention all this earlier-highly personal.

This also explains why finances have not been discussed and sorted. He is lazy does not do enough chores and not committed to supporting the family financially /practically. That frustrates me since he could go further than I could ever hope for in being committed to having a family.

He is scared of his finances/has no skills here (when we argued about this last night I noticed how afraid he is to face his debtors. He has agreed to let me take over the finances and we will sit down every week to discuss now. I am not sure I will have success with chores or DIY, lazy people are just lazy. But as you can see he has redeeming features not many could have gone with what we went through and survive.

Cut your losses and move on. You deserve better

Couple = partnership = equally supportive of each other in everything

Your DH = parasite = he's bleeding you dry

It sounds like you have been through a lot together, unfortunately none of that excuses your DP not pulling his weight now. What are your DP's strengths? From what you have said I am not seeing that he has any. You say you would like him to be responsible for DIY, is this something he is good at?

To give another example of what I think is a fair, and equal relationship, although different to the others that have posted so far this, is how DH and I work. We both so the same job, and earn almost exactly the same amount, although he does a couple of hours a week more than me. We both therefore pay in the same amount to the joint account, and keep the rest for ourselves.

We both work shifts, and split childcare 50/50. When we are both around I do all clothes washing, he does all the cooking. We take it in turn to do food shopping. I do most of the cleaning, and tidying around the house, although he does do some when I ask, he runs a small business in addition to his main job.

If either of us are tired/ill, the other one picks up the slack. For example this morning I was finding it hard to wake up, so DH told me to stay in bed, and got DD ready and off to school.

I guess I wanted a mixture of James Bond, Mr Darcy, Sherlock etc...... (oh ok ok thats the fantasy a powerful man who knows his own mind) reality check ...some he was a bit more capable and able to run on finances able to look after me when I needed it.

I got somebody who is a little lazy and would happily let me be in charge (but not for his appearances!) He handed everything over financially so he will let me have all the money and follow my instruction it is clear! with DIY this is at his own pace! ( nut compared to some I have waited 8 years for a kitchen he has some usefulness) I did get the loyal family man (very rare these days) albeit a little ineffectual and impotent!

he is good at:
DIY
computer stuff
cleaning when he bothers
car problems
making it to work on time
boring jobs
tidying if he manage not to throw everything away
good with ds bottle making nappies if I ask him he will do it at his own pace
loving he will go and buy flowers and stumble along showing love

not good at: sex, money, decision making, talking/communication, doing things quickly or any kind of speed, more complex kids issues (my job), finds it difficult to express and show love...it's there he was in balls of tears when I was in surgery. A broken man. Her loves my daughter sometimes has difficulty showing it, grumpy, negative

Are you sure he's not depressed? I had hideous depression when my mother was killed within days of my baby being born. One of the main ways it manifested itself was my inability to do any thinking. In my head, the only way to survive was for DH to completely take over and do almost everything for me. All the household stuff, everything relating to the kids, stuff like dental app and haircuts for them and making sure they had everything they needed for Sch each day. He literally worked from home almost every day for months whilst I sat in my bum and vegged. I literally couldn't have coped otherwise.
Just some of what you say about your dp and now the stuff you've both been through and how he's putting it all on you just sounds familiar. Does he seem depressed to you?

You think "making it to work on time" is a quality worthy of mentioning in a partner!?!

That's really scraping the barrel, as is he.

I think you need to go to Relate and talk it all through together.

Yes he does seem depressed, more lethargy, beaten down. He is naturally slow wouldn't rush at anything a plodder. I'm the one who finds all the motivation that's why I am resentful and I guess it comes across as I want to shout at him 'be a man'/ 'man up'. I have had a tough life, manic depression, depression too years and years back, and fought my way back and to get a good job etc. It's frustrating when somebody wants to give up, especially with his finances. He will do stuff I just have to lead all the time. His health is not great he snores and this has impact on his sinuses, lots of coughs, colds etc and lethargy. Feel like I have been carrying him on back and he is not light! lol! as well as recovering from major surgery looking after two kids we split the school runs when I work.

and we split the house work when I am working although it works out 60/30 ( 10% my daughter)