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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my fiance to be an equal partner?

102 replies

helenfs71 · 09/01/2014 12:41

My fiancé has been with me for 4 years and we have a baby boy (6mths) I also have a daughter who is 8 years old who I have brought up as a single parent till she was 5 (turns 9 in May.)My partner and I live in a flat which I pay a mortgage on, I bought when dd was born. My partner came to the relationship with some unpaid debts and poor financing (lost a house)and a job which paid a little more than half my annual income. I worked and studied hard lots of hours to get a good job especially when by dd came along to make sure I was earning enough to pay bills. Initially we started out with a plan to get him on his feet and I continued to pay all the bills apart from groceries which he pays for ( sometimes he struggles to do this as he says he has run out of money). He planned to find a better paid job to ensure he could afford more things. 3 years on he has found a slightly better paid job with better shifts and benefits. However he has not sorted out his finances, leaves most matters, finances, chores, tradesmen for me to deal with and pay for. I have told him I don't see us as an equal couple and I do the lions share of everything which is not good basis to get married. I have taken a year off for maternity leave and he sees now that I will not only pay all the bills (I am paying everything with savings) but I don't do much now and should be picking up all the housework as well as everything else. I am trying to start a new business, finish off more qualifications and ensure that the house is ready to sell. I am also hunting for good schools, checking out the commutes and looking for affordable housing. I also have mortgage arranged looking into legal side too. My DP is doing nothing apart from moaning and asking me to do stuff. He did agree the commute was ok after I lost my temper with this obstructiveness and completed trial commute in good time. I am at breaking point last night because he gets perks( low cost flights) I had to take my daughter out of school or we would not go on holiday basically it's tough if I get fines and it's my responsibility to sort it out. Fed up although he says he wants to sort himself out I get no feeling that he is thinks he has equal responsibilities for anything. He thinks I will do everything. When we first got engaged and were togeather I never doubted he would pull his weight now I think he would be happy if I did everything and he just went to work and came home (he does some housework-less now I am off and sometimes misses chores when he is tired or busy with personal stuff) but never wants to take responsibility for major financial issues or life plans. Any advice??

OP posts:
helenfs71 · 10/01/2014 13:18

I do washing, most of the cleaning, cooking he cooks and washes up occasionally now I am off

OP posts:
helenfs71 · 10/01/2014 13:29

he wont go to counselling hates anything to do with that and has difficulty discussion how he feels

OP posts:
helenfs71 · 10/01/2014 13:30

if I ask him to leave I think he would view it as losing everything

OP posts:
StatisticallyChallenged · 10/01/2014 13:51

Uyiu

StatisticallyChallenged · 10/01/2014 13:59

Gah bloody phone!

You asked for other couples info so. ..
Dd born-I earned more (similar difference to you guys) so dh went part time. Finished my degree on mat leave and changed jobs when I returned to ft job requiring travel. Dh part time so my income roughly 3x his. I was also studying for professional qualifications. He did most of the housework, pick up/drop offs etc. I did cooking, ,diy, ,finances, ,organising stuff etc etc.

Interim period where dh was out of work but now dh is a childminder so works from home full time. I work ft, , still travelling sometimes, still studying. Earn roughly double. He does more cleaning but this is fair as his job generates mess! I do cooking, diy....same as above.

I'd say that we are pretty balanced overall. There have been periods where I have worked away five days a week and have come home to the house as tidy as I left it.

StatisticallyChallenged · 10/01/2014 14:01

Financially we both have similar amounts to spend on ourselves each month-I have an additional clothes budget because I need smart work wear but this works for us. We don't actually have a joint account but finances definitely shared

helenfs71 · 10/01/2014 14:02

How do u split finances

OP posts:
StatisticallyChallenged · 10/01/2014 14:07

Gah bloody phone!

You asked for other couples info so. ..
Dd born-I earned more (similar difference to you guys) so dh went part time. Finished my degree on mat leave and changed jobs when I returned to ft job requiring travel. Dh part time so my income roughly 3x his. I was also studying for professional qualifications. He did most of the housework, pick up/drop offs etc. I did cooking, ,diy, ,finances, ,organising stuff etc etc.

Interim period where dh was out of work but now dh is a childminder so works from home full time. I work ft, , still travelling sometimes, still studying. Earn roughly double. He does more cleaning but this is fair as his job generates mess! I do cooking, diy....same as above.

I'd say that we are pretty balanced overall. There have been periods where I have worked away five days a week and have come home to the house as tidy as I left it.

Rhubarbgarden · 10/01/2014 14:14

Well if it's a case of go to counselling or "lose everything" then that should motivate him. If he's not willing to go and give it a try, and would rather sit there crying "woe is me I've lost everything" then he's deserves it quite frankly. Relationships require effort they do not just get served up on a plate.

StatisticallyChallenged · 10/01/2014 14:26

Sorry it appears that my phone has the hiccups! Although we technically have separate accounts our money is shared. Dh pays his business costs firs, then wwhatever is left is his income. Mine is my salary. We have a budgeting spreadsheet which gets updated when our income changes but lists all our expenses including clothing budget, savings for Christmas/car costs/general. Whatever is left is split roughly fifty fifty.Right now we are doing quite well so I have spent extra cash on some treats but overall that's how we run things and it's worked for us through numerous job changes, maternit, vvarying incomes etc.

helenfs71 · 10/01/2014 14:32

He would like to not work and keep house. Not my ideal! Never wanted to be the main breadwinner hate being away from the kids. I was always suited to well paid p/t and has been my goal. He has got skills with housework but hasn't patience for kids all day. He admits that. I expected 50/50 split on money.

OP posts:
helenfs71 · 10/01/2014 14:33

When I was single did everything and just continued he was happy to let me. Time for a change!

OP posts:
helenfs71 · 10/01/2014 14:34

I have already said to him it is like mother and son

OP posts:
helenfs71 · 10/01/2014 14:40

Would u have split costs evenly during maternity or who would pay most

OP posts:
StatisticallyChallenged · 10/01/2014 14:41

Realistically unless I give up my career we are unlikely to ever be fifty fifty in terms of income input, , it's just the way it is. If I insisted that we both paid half of all bills then we would have to have a lower overall standard of living to achieve that.

helenfs71 · 10/01/2014 14:43

He still says he does not have enough money to pay bills with what he earns I do both our spreadsheets and though he does not have loads of cash he will b able to pay more bills

OP posts:
StatisticallyChallenged · 10/01/2014 14:45

Basically regardless of what we each earn we workout our total household income, deduct all bills savings etc, and whatever remains is split fifty fifty as spending money. So when I was on statutory maternity he paid more and we were both poor.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 10/01/2014 18:08

If you earn 3/5s of the wage coming into the house then you pay 3/5s of the bills. During Maternity leave, you may only be bringing in 1/5 of the wage so should then cover 1/5 of the bills.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 10/01/2014 18:09

Honestly - how much debt is he in? I earn 20k and bring home 1300 pcm after taxes.

DH brings home around 1100.

We can afford to live,.not just survive. He must be paing out a fair whack!

Worriedthistimearound · 10/01/2014 19:48

I just don't understand the looking at it in terms of fractions or percentages though. Isn't it so much fairer and simpler to look at it all as one big pot of family money. Sometimes that pot may have less in in due to maternity, ill health or redundancy and the family unit needs to cut back but having to sit down and readjust percentages seems madness.

Why so many women (and men) are happy to allow their bodily fluids to mix so readily and procreate yet are squeamish at sharing their money is baffling to me.

LilMissSunshine9 · 10/01/2014 20:07

Worried - I agree with you, I don't get the whole paying a %. I too see that as a couple you are one family unit so pool the money together and after bills, savings, holiday money etc, whatever is left is split equally for each to go spend on whatever.

StatisticallyChallenged · 10/01/2014 20:42

The paying a % thing doesn't work if your incomes are very unbalanced either.

Joysmum · 10/01/2014 20:48

In our case (I'm a SAHM with a couple of buy to let properties) the income comes in, the bills go out and at the end of the month we know what we have left over and both have equal claim on that although tend to stick to a regular allowance in to personal accounts for personal spending and the rest goes towards big house projects of sits there as a FUF (fuck up fund).

We work a month in arrears so we always know what's what.

Phineyj · 10/01/2014 21:24

Worried I think it happens when one partner doesn't agree on the 'big pot' approach - it's a way to make it fairer without merging finances. In our case we have fairly major differences in our attitude to money. People often say these things should be discussed thoroughly before marriage/partnership but it's often only when one of the income-impacting things that you mention happen, that differences become so apparent (and irritating...)

Worriedthistimearound · 10/01/2014 21:33

There is a big difference in our earning capacity now but not so when we first moved in together.
Phineyj, we've had joint accounts since we moved in together after graduation, many many years before we had kids. It was certainly something we discussed beforehand and if he had had such a different attitude to me I'm not sure I would have gone ahead. Neither of us knew he'd earn so much at that stage but it was a case of, 'we share a bed, why wouldn't we share our wages?'

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