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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my fiance to be an equal partner?

102 replies

helenfs71 · 09/01/2014 12:41

My fiancé has been with me for 4 years and we have a baby boy (6mths) I also have a daughter who is 8 years old who I have brought up as a single parent till she was 5 (turns 9 in May.)My partner and I live in a flat which I pay a mortgage on, I bought when dd was born. My partner came to the relationship with some unpaid debts and poor financing (lost a house)and a job which paid a little more than half my annual income. I worked and studied hard lots of hours to get a good job especially when by dd came along to make sure I was earning enough to pay bills. Initially we started out with a plan to get him on his feet and I continued to pay all the bills apart from groceries which he pays for ( sometimes he struggles to do this as he says he has run out of money). He planned to find a better paid job to ensure he could afford more things. 3 years on he has found a slightly better paid job with better shifts and benefits. However he has not sorted out his finances, leaves most matters, finances, chores, tradesmen for me to deal with and pay for. I have told him I don't see us as an equal couple and I do the lions share of everything which is not good basis to get married. I have taken a year off for maternity leave and he sees now that I will not only pay all the bills (I am paying everything with savings) but I don't do much now and should be picking up all the housework as well as everything else. I am trying to start a new business, finish off more qualifications and ensure that the house is ready to sell. I am also hunting for good schools, checking out the commutes and looking for affordable housing. I also have mortgage arranged looking into legal side too. My DP is doing nothing apart from moaning and asking me to do stuff. He did agree the commute was ok after I lost my temper with this obstructiveness and completed trial commute in good time. I am at breaking point last night because he gets perks( low cost flights) I had to take my daughter out of school or we would not go on holiday basically it's tough if I get fines and it's my responsibility to sort it out. Fed up although he says he wants to sort himself out I get no feeling that he is thinks he has equal responsibilities for anything. He thinks I will do everything. When we first got engaged and were togeather I never doubted he would pull his weight now I think he would be happy if I did everything and he just went to work and came home (he does some housework-less now I am off and sometimes misses chores when he is tired or busy with personal stuff) but never wants to take responsibility for major financial issues or life plans. Any advice??

OP posts:
LilMissSunshine9 · 09/01/2014 15:52

Is his name going on the title deeds to the property - that's what matters the most especially if you ever split further down the line.

LilMissSunshine9 · 09/01/2014 15:53

Infact I wouldn't put his name on the title deeds of the new place considering he is 'thinking' about paying some of the mortgage.

GlitzAndGiggles · 09/01/2014 16:05

Marrying him won't improve his behaviour. Give him an ultimatum

BuffyxSummers · 09/01/2014 16:08

Id rather be trapped in a smaller flat than trapped in a relationship in a bigger house tied financially to an overgrown man child! Don't do it.

Bearbehind · 09/01/2014 16:11

You might be able to secure a mortgage on your own if you are the higher earner as the income multiples applied to single and joint incomes are different.

Who has the poor credit rating? If it's him, he'll be dragging your ability to borrow down anyway.

Committing to a mortgage with someone you don't even appear to like very much would be insane.

Poppy67 · 09/01/2014 16:13

Proceeding with this relationship is a recipe for disaster. Why would you stay with him?

TheBigJessie · 09/01/2014 16:13

You'll have more room in your flat if he moves out!

Less him, none of his stuff, and you won't be buying food for him, so your spending would go down.

helenfs71 · 09/01/2014 16:15

the reason for not paying was not having enough spare money for additional bills. he does not really know how to look at his finances properly, I run spread sheets so I know what we have spare. Really the biggest problem is he does not give me credit for supporting us, suggest anyways he could become more equal i.e. more chores for him/skills input and seems to think it's a given that its ok to stay the way we are because he is putting on what he thinks he can. He does not seem to know how to sort out his finances and I keep thinking how do you expect to support a family or pull your weight.

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 09/01/2014 16:17

Now there was a recent post where the women was moving in with the man and posters said as it didnt cost him ny extra to have her there she shouldnt pay 50/50. Now its a man it completely different Hmm

If no joint account, bills should be split 50/50. If one partner is home more in the day then its not unrealistic to expect them to pick up the bulk of the housework.

JeanSeberg · 09/01/2014 16:18

You've done a good job of telling us the problem but what are you going to do about it?

helenfs71 · 09/01/2014 16:18

I really thought it was common for men to be lazy and need training. ultimatum sounds good and I will try to get mortgage in my name only

OP posts:
TheBigJessie · 09/01/2014 16:23

Write the following somewhere in a funky font, and frame it.

Better than my ex isn't the same as good enough

notmyproblem · 09/01/2014 16:26

I would have to say my partner is the least nastiest man I have dated in my life this makes me sad to read Sad

OP, kick this guy out, at least for a few months while you sort out your own issues, why you're with him, what he brings, how much he drains you and why you settle for lowlifes. Your self-esteem needs a boost and you'd be best suited getting clear of him so you can clear your own mind and see your situation more clearly.

Especially with 2 kids now, all the more reason you need to sort yourself out. You sound strong, sensible and responsible in every other way, don't sell yourself short by aiming for the guy who treats you least bad.

Worriedthistimearound · 09/01/2014 16:27

I thought the government had brought in shared mat/pat leave? Has that not happened yet? Just asking because if you earn more than double him, why can't you return to worn and he stay at home? Surely that would make more sense?

helenfs71 · 09/01/2014 16:35

Happymummyofone I would agree (already do most of housework when I was working 70% we would split cooking now I do much more... he does feeding cats and litter tray, washing up sometimes, cooking sometimes, and emptying bin.)......I will be: not marrying him, asking him to split bills as much as is affordable, (he wouldn't be able to pay all bills but he can certainly take on a lot more),ensure he has list of DIY to get on with(I am no good a this/his skills set) to support redecorating/getting ready to move process, ensuring house in my name so if he does not pull his socks up I can get rid easily, setting a time limit on how long he has to sort himself out asking for his thought on how things should be in our sex life, future, his role etc if he gives the right answers i.e. I would like us to have a good sex life where your not required to be a performing monkey, pay my way and support the family by putting more in then he gets 6 months to prove himself and 3 months to get bills transferred to his name. I am a traditionalist and have been so mad because I thought I would be main care giver for kids (this is what I love to do, though I love work too and would always want to work part time-with my higher wages I would still be putting in equally and he would want to take responsibility for diy, cars etc and we would atleast split things 50/50 financially. I did make this clear when we started going out. Not sure why a man would want a woman to keep him unless he was a toyboy.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 09/01/2014 16:38

my normal question is to ask why you have sex with this man, i.e what you are getting out of the relationship to be on intimate terms with him.

you aren't even doing that!!!

what ARE you getting out of this relationship?

whois · 09/01/2014 16:39

Oh FFS. Don't move into a bigger flat and entangle yourself with this looser. Seriously, just LTB. The baby can share with you for a year or so and you can save up to try and get a bigger flat.

Kundry · 09/01/2014 16:54

It's common for men to not see a problem until you point it out and then require specific instructions.

However generally speaking lazy people stay lazy and their partners get exhausted.

As you are the higher earner, do not marry this man as he will have claims on your earnings, savings and pension - he will be better off and you will be worse.

I would have said don't have kids with him but it's unfortunately too late.

Next time you look for a man, set yourself higher standards.

Worriedthistimearound · 09/01/2014 16:57

Actually, I think if you don't trust or respect someone enough to have a joint account and it all be family money then you really, really shouldn't be contemplating marrying them. It seems to bother you that he earns less than you. If he was pulling his weight and respecting you as he should, would you still feel that? Because if you would then that is a fundamental stumbling block to either of you ever being happy.

helenfs71 · 09/01/2014 18:55

I dated for two years and they were all worse and less committed than current partner.

OP posts:
helenfs71 · 09/01/2014 18:56

Is there any direct comparison I can have with others relationships

OP posts:
grovel · 09/01/2014 18:57

Has he got a Mum?

My DH was lovely but potentially an awful husband. I spoke to his Mum about my reservations. She put him straight and he's been a great DH for 20 years. He was spoilt - my MiL knew that and was better placed to put him right about real life.

CinnamonPorridge · 09/01/2014 19:09

The fact all men you dates were worse does not make him ideal!

Please do not buy a house together, he really has an easy life with you, why should he do or pay more?

He had three years to sort a better job out and it hasn't happened?
He pays for food (sometimes not even that) and that's all? He's taking the piss.

Notaddictedtosugar · 09/01/2014 19:10

Is being on your own really worse than supporting 2 children, and one adult child on your own?

SquinkiesRule · 09/01/2014 19:25

I think you can do better OP Just because he's the better of the other losers doesn't make him "the one"