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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my fiance to be an equal partner?

102 replies

helenfs71 · 09/01/2014 12:41

My fiancé has been with me for 4 years and we have a baby boy (6mths) I also have a daughter who is 8 years old who I have brought up as a single parent till she was 5 (turns 9 in May.)My partner and I live in a flat which I pay a mortgage on, I bought when dd was born. My partner came to the relationship with some unpaid debts and poor financing (lost a house)and a job which paid a little more than half my annual income. I worked and studied hard lots of hours to get a good job especially when by dd came along to make sure I was earning enough to pay bills. Initially we started out with a plan to get him on his feet and I continued to pay all the bills apart from groceries which he pays for ( sometimes he struggles to do this as he says he has run out of money). He planned to find a better paid job to ensure he could afford more things. 3 years on he has found a slightly better paid job with better shifts and benefits. However he has not sorted out his finances, leaves most matters, finances, chores, tradesmen for me to deal with and pay for. I have told him I don't see us as an equal couple and I do the lions share of everything which is not good basis to get married. I have taken a year off for maternity leave and he sees now that I will not only pay all the bills (I am paying everything with savings) but I don't do much now and should be picking up all the housework as well as everything else. I am trying to start a new business, finish off more qualifications and ensure that the house is ready to sell. I am also hunting for good schools, checking out the commutes and looking for affordable housing. I also have mortgage arranged looking into legal side too. My DP is doing nothing apart from moaning and asking me to do stuff. He did agree the commute was ok after I lost my temper with this obstructiveness and completed trial commute in good time. I am at breaking point last night because he gets perks( low cost flights) I had to take my daughter out of school or we would not go on holiday basically it's tough if I get fines and it's my responsibility to sort it out. Fed up although he says he wants to sort himself out I get no feeling that he is thinks he has equal responsibilities for anything. He thinks I will do everything. When we first got engaged and were togeather I never doubted he would pull his weight now I think he would be happy if I did everything and he just went to work and came home (he does some housework-less now I am off and sometimes misses chores when he is tired or busy with personal stuff) but never wants to take responsibility for major financial issues or life plans. Any advice??

OP posts:
helenfs71 · 10/01/2014 21:43

wow this has brought some good and strong opinions! Just to keep you posted we are well on our way to getting our finances sorted. Controversially we went for the splitting 3/5 because his money would not cover anything else. As things progress it will shift to 50/50 which is what fits for me and I pretty sure he wants so he can feel equal now. after what he said today. I run the spread sheets so know what he has really got. It suits what we need, he is up for the sex life now too all of a sudden! The chores we will work on a list to divide as things go on. Not sure he will not always be a bit lazy he knows he's on a 3 month pull your socks up or you are out deadline! Marriage won't be for us for a while. Well you all solved this and I have loved reading what other peoples advice, totally invaluable, and what other people do.

We will see where next few weeks and months take us, we are going into debt management in the next week with his creditors I will keep you posted. If anybody else wants to put their suggestions forward, advice, how it works for them please feel free!!The power of the internet forum blows me away. Thanks all so far.x

OP posts:
helenfs71 · 20/01/2014 15:50

He has sorted out his creditors and he has also agreed to pay two thirds of bills. He will be going on the mortgage (necessity now) and he will be going 50/ 50 on all bills within two years once he has paid back most of his debt and is able too. He seems much much happier. I do think because I earn more I should be paying more. I don't agree just because somebody has worked harder at life it does not mean the person who has worked less hard should benefit. I will save any spare cash and put it towards our children. I have allowed us a little extra spending money after bills and if he wants more he can do over time ( something I can't do.) I think each to his own on how I set things u financially it is a personal thing. However nobody should free load off someone else's hard work.

OP posts:
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