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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Scalded son, mother punishing grandparent, is this reasonable?

740 replies

vr6lee · 09/01/2014 09:50

My mother had an accident with my son, to cut a long story short the kettle ended up being pulled from the worktop by my son while in her arms, this ended up scalding the bottom of his leg and top of his foot ending in a skin graft.
My mother is devastated and has really struggled with whats happened. But my girlfriend is not helping at all. She has said she doesn't want her near my son again and will never look after him again. I have talked her round and my mun has been able to see my son a few times. There is tension between my girlfriend and my mother now so I have offered to take my son up to my mothers so she can see him as she really does love him to bits. But my girlfriend has poo poo'ed this and says the only way she is seeing him is at our house when she is present.
I think this is undermining me as a father as I have said I would be present at all times just to ease her mind, but I can now only come to one conclusion and that she is doing this to punish my mother by making it as difficult as possible for her to see her grandson.

My question to other mothers is do you think this is fair behavior or is she being very harsh.

Thanks in advance for any opinions.

Lee

OP posts:
MommyBird · 09/01/2014 12:01

But that is an accident. It was unavoidable. I've had it done plenty of times myself (not broken though!)

However. The child was her in her arms when she chose to pick up a kettle filled with boiling water. That was avoidable. She could of put the child down.

Weller · 09/01/2014 12:01

I really hope that no parent who has a had a child seriously injured by an accident whilst under the care reads some of these post. If their own guilt isn't bad enough.

Indith · 09/01/2014 12:02

curlew I know someone who slammed a car door on her dd's hand and the finger came clean off! None of her children has been removed because she is a perfectly good mother and it was an accident.

Yes, most accidents can be avoided. Yes, if the MIL is a careless person who often does dangerous things then I'd be thinking twice about it. But if she had a momentary lapse in judgement then the gf is over reacting.

Come on, how many times on "I've just hurt my baby!" threads do people come out and tell their tales of woe. How many posters have recounted how they forgot to strap the baby in the carseat or the carseat in the car etc? It is sort of funny because they didn't have an accident. Nobody says they should not be allowed to take care of the child yet the potential for serious harm is there.

curlew · 09/01/2014 12:02

HavantGuard- so are you saying that if my Dp could have stopped me having sole charge he should have done? Or it would have been understandable if he had?

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 12:02

mommy Have you read the OP?? Where does it say she picked up the kettle???

redexpat · 09/01/2014 12:05

She'll calm down. She will have to learn to trust her MIL again. It might take a while.

HopAlongOnItsOnlyChristmas · 09/01/2014 12:05

If my husband had accidentally injured the baby I would probably struggle with feeling like I didn't want him to be in sole charge of him. BUT since he is the child's parent, I would get over it. It IS different. A grandparent has no parental responsibility, and I (as a mother) have no obligation to let my MIL look after my DS.

diddl · 09/01/2014 12:06

OP-do you have any sympathy at all for how your girlfriend feels?

Perhaps like others she thinks it was avoidable & that your mum was completely irresponsible?

HavantGuard · 09/01/2014 12:07

I'm saying you can't stop a parent.

It is totally natural to be angry at the person who was caring for your child when they were hurt whoever that is, even if it was a fluke accident. That is compounded when they were hurt by an action you regard as risky/something you'd never do.

I think that it would have been natural of your DH to be leaping to be the one to put your DC into the car for a while afterwards and lose some trust in you.

HavantGuard · 09/01/2014 12:09

What HopAlong said. It's unavoidable that you have to get over it and fairly quickly too if it was your child's other parent.

ukatlast · 09/01/2014 12:10

Quote SPsMrLoverManSHABBA 'I have carried my son while been near a kettle.

My brother was burnt in a similar in my nannas care (mums mil) and mum wouldn't have dreamed of acting like that. It was an accident and nanna would never have done it on purpose and mum knew that.

Its not like she poured the water over him!'''

So if your Nanna had not held your hand when walking along an extremely busy road and you'd been knocked down and killed that would have been okay as well would it because she didn't deliberately push you into the road?
There are basic safety measures that you should take (more so with other people's kids) if you undertake to care for them because it is irresponsible not to do so.

SomethingkindaOod · 09/01/2014 12:10

My husband did accidentally hurt our baby and I had no issue with him being in sole care of her at all. He was more careful obsessed with safety than I was since then and still is today 7 years later.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 12:13

UK I have been hit by a car. I don't blame parents for it or causing more damage to me than the car

My nanna was making up the bottles for the baby and mu brother toddler in and pulled her arm and this caused her to knock the bottle off which poured over brothers arm. He was burnt and has the scar still now.

How is she been irresponsible there? Why would mum blame her for that?

Writerwannabe83 · 09/01/2014 12:14

Yes, you can't stop a parent looking after the child but by people's way of logic they are implying the child shouldn't be unsupervised with the parent if the accident had happened in this parents care.

Either the argument stands that anyone who is "stupid and irresponsible to allow preventable accidents to occur" shouldn't be alone with the child, or it doesn't? Or is the child's safety only important if circumstances allow?

I really hope that the children of the perfect parents (who obviously have amazing accident preventing abilities) never have to cope with their child having a serious accident whilst under their care.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 12:15

And yes I have carried my son while using a kettle, running a bath etc. Why quote that? Its not a big deal

NatashaBee · 09/01/2014 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ouryve · 09/01/2014 12:16

Curlew, you seem to like repeating yourself, rather impatiently. I wasn't at my computer at the time. Of course, I can't speak for others.

Carrying a small child next to a kettle isn't a necessity.

Getting in and out of a car is.

Added to that, you've probably thought and thought about how it happened and come up with a plan to make sure it is less likely to happen in the future. If any one else in the care of your child did the same, you would not be able to be so sure that they had been so reflective.

FTR I like my MIL and get on with her fairly well. Due to the nature of our boys' SN's, we've had a rule that hot drinks cool in the kitchen, behind a safety gate, until fairly recently. When MIL was visiting when DS2 was a toddler, she said, no, she'd be all right, and stood in the living room with her freshly made tea. DS2 had a strong fascination with the bottoms of cups, at the time and grabbed her arm to try to try to reach the cup so he could turn it over and almost pulled her over, in the process. She had underestimated his determination and respected our rule after that. Not living with him 24/7, she hadn't appreciated that it was about more than just not leaving hot drinks unattended and couldn't be told.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 09/01/2014 12:17

There are two really good posts here - one by a woman whose child was injured by her MIL (and whose dh didn't take it seriously so she felt she couldn't trust him to supervise) and the other by someone whose child was scalded and vowed never to drink tea again.

They both explain really well how your gf feel right now.

BookroomRed · 09/01/2014 12:17

I don't think it's a MIL thing at all, to be honest, apart from in the sense that the baby's mother/DiL is less likely to have a strong emotional attachment to her. (Obviously, they may have been very close before the scalding, but it's not a given.)

There was a poster on here when I first joined Mn whose daughter had been badly burned all over her body in a barbecue accident caused by her DH being careless about chucking lighter fluid about, despite repeated warnings from her not to do it, and reminders that the little girl was under his supervision while the mother went indoors to do something (I think they were hosting a summer barbecue for a lot of people, and the DH was lighting the barbecue with the children running around in the garden.)

Obviously, it was a considerably more serious injury, and the child was hospitalised for a long time, and had a lot of surgery, but despite the fact that the DH was desperately guilty and distressed, the couple had a strong marriage and I think the accident had happened some time earlier (perhaps a couple of years? I cold be wrong), the reason the woman was posting was that she was really struggling to forgive him and trust him again.

I find that human and understandable, to be honest. And I do think the crucial factor in the OP's situation is the length of time since the accident happened. Of course, I feel desperately sorry for the child's grandmother as well as the child and his parents. It's an awful situation for everyone, but I think the MiL thing is a red herring.

MiserableJanuaryJerseySpud · 09/01/2014 12:19

Im in two minds over this.

Whilst i can understand the knee jerk reaction she isn't stopping MIL from seeing her DGC completely, shes just said it has to be under her roof.

This to me strikes of her keeping her DS where she KNOWS he is safe (in her mind) and allowing contact there rather than letting him out of her sight for now.

OP i would go with her wishes for now and see how it goes. If you DM does stick to it then your DP may get her faith and trust back and things will go back to normal.

SomethingkindaOod · 09/01/2014 12:19

I don't get that from the OP at all. He's asking about an issue related to his Mother and His girlfriend, not how best to treat his son's injuries.

fluffyraggies · 09/01/2014 12:21

We don't know enough about the circumstances to make judgement. All of this is just conjecture.

The GF might have been waiting for a chance to cut MIL out. An awful accident at the otherwise lovely MIL's house has given her this chance, and she is using it for all it's worth.

or

The MIL may have tried to cover up/trivialise the burn at the time, and/or previously refused to take other safety precautions in her house (allowing snappy dogs around the baby, fed unsuitable foods or whatever) and the GF's patience is finally at an end.

When called upon to make a judgement about the actions of a third party in an OP we need much more info than we have. I'd love to hear the GFs side of the story.

Original poster
vr6lee · 09/01/2014 12:21

Wow, thanks for all the replies.
To answer a few questions.
This happened 10 weeks ago, which unfortunately meant that Christmas was a awkward.
GF has never really got on like a house on fire with my mother because my mum caught her lying and confronted her. Then everything my mum did wrong was completely out of order, eg giving him sweets when he didn't finish his dinner, get him out of cot if he cryed for a while without going to sleep etc. But all fairly petty in my eyes, GP's do these things, when I say this I get it in the neck for not supporting her, once the accident happened I cant help think being used as an excuse to keep my mother at bay.
I live with my GF and on a previous visit by my father he was made to feel unwelcome by GF's sister (I know its wasn't GF and I did put sister down a peg for that as it wasn't owt to do with my dad). But not helped in my parents coming to my house.
I have gone along with GF for 10 weeks now and it causing a strain on my relationship between parents, especially as they are helping me renovate my house. My mum really want's to see her GS because she wants to see him make a good recovery. But its rarely possible with GF's attitude.
I just want to get things back to normal(ish), I'm not saying let my mother babysit by any means, just let her see him with my supervision without giving me grief.
And my son is recovering great. Noticeable Scar tissue is only present on his ankle so I'm hoping not gonna be too noticeable as he grows up. He's only 18 month but I think terrible 2's are starting to kick in. It has its funny moments now but I'm sure that will wear thin.

Feel free to continue with the replies, I will read them.

OP posts:
pictish · 09/01/2014 12:23

As an aside, can I just point out the one thing that happens regularly on MN, which I absolutely cannot stand, is when posters fabricate their own version of events and post as though that is what actually occurred.

Seriously - they skim the OP and the rest of the thread, rearrange events to suit their own agenda, and then bash on with their opinons about what only took place in their head!!

What the fuck is with that?

Lifeisaboxofchocs · 09/01/2014 12:25

What did your DM catch your GF lying about?

The fact that your DM overrules your GF (giving sweets after dinner, picking up too early... might not seem much, but bloody annoying) and along with this accident, I do sympathise with your GF. It is still fairly raw. Spk with your GF and see if you can get a time frame from her as to when she might feel comfortable with alternative arrangements.