Scalded son, mother punishing grandparent, is this reasonable?

[vr6lee]

My mother had an accident with my son, to cut a long story short the kettle ended up being pulled from the worktop by my son while in her arms, this ended up scalding the bottom of his leg and top of his foot ending in a skin graft.
My mother is devastated and has really struggled with whats happened. But my girlfriend is not helping at all. She has said she doesn't want her near my son again and will never look after him again. I have talked her round and my mun has been able to see my son a few times. There is tension between my girlfriend and my mother now so I have offered to take my son up to my mothers so she can see him as she really does love him to bits. But my girlfriend has poo poo'ed this and says the only way she is seeing him is at our house when she is present.
I think this is undermining me as a father as I have said I would be present at all times just to ease her mind, but I can now only come to one conclusion and that she is doing this to punish my mother by making it as difficult as possible for her to see her grandson.

My question to other mothers is do you think this is fair behavior or is she being very harsh.

Thanks in advance for any opinions.

Lee

Curlew No, because you aren't the MIL

I think it would be difficult for a Mum to let her child be looked after again in the circumstances you describe. But it is unreasonable to say your Mum can't see her grandchild but not unreasonable to say she can't be left in sole charge of the child. For quite some time at least.

curlew of course not, in the same way that when DH forgot to strap DD into her buggy and she tipped out of it I didn't refuse to let him look after her again. I came back from my run to be confronted with a baby with a bubble that looked like an extra head and a husband in pieces. He beat himself up enough about it and one child later (this was 7 years ago) he double checks DD2 is strapped in every time!
Holding a baby one handed while sorting out hot water is not awful, stupid yes, I've done it, I've also emptied the washer and done all sorts of things while holding a won't be put down baby. At the time you work on a 'needs must' mentality, the possibility of you scalding/injuring the child doesn't factor because you do not have the intention to harm the child.

OP, I sincerely hope your gf never makes a mistake with her child.

No Curlew, because you are the child's parent and have a legally protected right to be in sole charge of them. If my DH had done that I would have been supportive but inside I'd be thinking how could he be so stupid and careless and how could he have let that happen. It's an emotional reaction. I know he'd be as angry at himself.

Actually OP, if you ever come back, can you also answer, is your mother's house rather child-unfriendly? Could the issue not be just her not being there, but also her not being there and her DS in an enviornment that's full of dangers that need looking out for? Could it be that she'd be more relaxed say, if you suggested you took DS to a soft play or the park and your Mum met you there? Is the issue just GF wanting to be there at all times just in case or is it she doesn't want your DS in the house in which he was injured? Had she previously commented on the amount of dangerous stuff in the house?

"Curlew No, because you aren't the MIL "

Absolutely. This thread in a nutshell.

"And just to add to Eve's excellent post. NOWHERE has it been said that the child is a baby!"

True - we know only that it is a child small enough to be in the GM's arms, but old enough to pull a kettle over. Which suggest toddler, but isn't explicit.

Nor do we know how long ago the accident was. If the child is only days out of hospital, then feelings will still be running high. If 6 months ago, the situation would be rather different.

What I'd like to know is how your mother reacted to the accident? Is there something you're not telling us about this aspect? Did she seek immediate medical attention, or did she just stick the child under the cold tap for a while and then try to minimise the incident? Because that could be a very strong factor in your GF's view.

I ask because DS suffered what was fortunately a very minor burn when in his father's care as a young toddler (about 16 months). He brushed his hand against the door of the wood-burning stove in the cottage we were staying in at the time. Fine, it was an accident. However, the way ExDH dealt with it (or not) was pretty piss poor, really, and it took a long time for me to trust his judgement again.

I am admittedly projecting my own experience onto yours here, but can you tell us how your DM dealt with it?

Ok i confess

when mine we little I often had baby on left hip while I made a cup of tea with my right hand.

Of course I was turned in such a way that baby couldn't reach kettle, and did it at arms length (baby's arms being a lot shorter than mine) but as small babies I would never have got a hot drink if I hadn't and as crawlers/toddlers, they were actually often safer pinned to my side than round my feet.

so shoot me, and call ss.

It depends on a lot more than just the accident.

If an accident happened at dmil's house I would be more angry than if it happened at dm's house. For the simple reason that dmil has a total disregard for some aspects of safety, and she won't be told either.
For example they have a horrible large table with glass in, which has shattered (and been replaced) various times with very little force in. It isn't safety glass and goes into horrible sharp shards. It lives in the middle of their main room, and is only really used if they're playing games on it.
When dd1 was about 15 months and just toddling around, I asked if this table could be moved to the edge of the main room (or preferably a second room) because I was scared she would trip into it with obviosu consequences. Dmil told me I was being neurotic and refused to consider it.
There have been other times when I've been at the refusal to do anything, even minor, which would make the place safer. Apparently it's good for a just crawling child to fall down the stairs as it helps them learn.
My dm otoh is too far the other way. She tends to see (and try to avoid) accidents that would only happen in a blue moon. So I'd know that any accident there was totally an accident.

Having said that, my dm was holding dn one day when dn was under 1yo at a cafe and the waitress put her coffee down in front of her and dn immediately put her fingers in it. Fingers only red, no long term damage done, or even really more than brief discomfort, and dsis struggled for a time with leaving dn with dm on her own after that.

I think you need to think about how your gf, a new mum feels. Her brand new baby is now scarred for life. She will be filled with guilt (even though it's not her fault) as she'll feel it was her responsibility to keep him safe.

She will be so angry with your mother for what's happened and it will take a long time to forgive her. Calling her cruel or pushing the subject will possibly make it worse?
She's allowing your mother to see the baby but she wants it to be where she knows he is safe. I think that's reasonable.
Eventually she will forgive I'm sure but it's best to go softly with things like this I think.

"She was carrying him with one arm then, while doing stuff at the kitchen worktop with a just-boiled kettle in reach?

That's awful. That is an UTTERLY avoidable accident and if I were your partner I'd be horrified and be feeling guilty and angry at myself for allowing my child to be cared for by someone who thought that was an acceptable risk."

I agree.

I find the idea that unless she did it deliberately it's totally fine and she should be free to be negligent and dangerous with the child in the future totally bizarre.

Sometimes accidents are unavoidable, sometimes they are due to stupidity and negligence.

Allowing a toddler that is in your arms to pull a kettle of boiling water on the themselves is entirely avoidable.

We need more information. OP is your mother respectful of your/your gf's parenting choices or does she dismiss/ignore/undermine them? If it's the latter do you side with your gf or your mum?

DH left his fresh cup of tea too close to the edge of the kitchen worktop, hadn't tealised spaghetti-hands 1yo had had a growth spurt and could reach the handle. Luckily it wet his clothes but nothing else. I couldn't speak to him for a day, then got over myself.

It was an accident. A stupid accident. Let the GF supervise/go along with visits to the GP's house for as long as it takes to feel comfortable again, then move on.

Sheesh!

Yes. Minor difference between wet clothes and a skin graft

I think you need to think about how your gf, a new mum feels. Her brand new baby is now scarred for life

Where does it say it was baby and that she is just a new mum??

It wasn't an accident in the sense that it could have been prevented. Your GF is probably like me and would herself never drink a hot drink at same time as holding a baby/child nor ever pick up a kettle holding a baby/child.

Both are basic common safety sense really - the same as not leaving a child unattended in the bath - so your Mother is not to be trusted for whatever reason.
Would be much better for your Mother to visit your house which is likely more childproofed and because you may also be more laidback safety-wise than your GF, she probably wants to be there as well, rather than you taking child to your Mum's unchildproofed house.
I think your GF and Mum will reconcile more easily if your GF sees her tbh so it may well be the best way if your Mum comes to your place and GF is always there.
It also could have been even more serious than it was....babies die from scalds sometimes so YABU to think your GF is overreacting, she is not, she is following her protective instincts.

Well I'm beginning to think that there's a back story.

I'm a bit on the fence.

Your girlfriend is obviously upset & from saying she didn't want your mum near your son, she is now saying that she can come to you.

Can't you accept this for a while?

You seem more concerned that your mum sees your son than in helping your GF work through it.

Yep. Because having an 18 month old scarred for life is way easier to deal with.

Honestly, as much as I have lots of sympathy for the MIL (because we all make stupid mistakes, and she must feel terrible). There is no way I would be allowing DS to stay with my inlaws, unsupervised by me, in the wake of something like this happening. I wouldn't be allowing him to be supervised by anyone else at all for quite some time, I imagine.

I repeat. I shut my baby's hand in the car door and broke his finger. Would my Dp have been justified in saying I could never look after him alone again?

Interesting that all the gf supporters have studiously ignored this post of mine. Too difficult for them to think about?

I addressed it Curlew. You can't stop a parent having sole charge of a child unless SS/the courts say so.

Curlew You are not the MIL though. That's the difference. Write it again saying it was your DGC and if your DIL should stop you seeing them. You will get a reply

I feel sorry for MIL.

Accidents happen and although it was an awful accident, it's was still just that. Your mother made a very silly lapse of judgement, I'm not disputing that, but to punish her like this isn't fair. As another poster had said, if the incident had happened at Maternal Grandma's house would your GF be reacting quite so strongly and stop her own mother from having access to the child. I'm guessing probably not.

As part of my job I work with children who've had accidents in the home and burns are so common. Some minor but others major. I've come across all sorts of scenarios as to how the burns occurred and usually they are just awful accidents resulting from a moment of madness from the carer, i.e not thinking the risk of accident was there or taking their eyes of the child for just a moment. Yes the accident could have been avoided but MIL just didn't realise the risk was there - now she does and I'm pretty sure it will never happen again.

Of all the burns victims I have visited over the past few years all the incident have happened in their own homes under they are of their own parents - parents aren't some super protective breed of human whereas everyone else is stupid and causes children harm. An accident of a similar nature could just have easily happened at your home whilst your GF was looking after the child.....what would she have done then? Move out because she isn't fit to be unsupervised with the child anymore? Put him up for adoption?

I do understand why your GF is upset but this really Ned's to be sorted as it has potential to cause huge problems in the family dynamics which may unfortunately filter down to your own relationship if you feel your Mother is being unfairly treated.

How did your mother and GF get on prior to this incident?

I get on really well with mine and I know that if a similar accident happened at her house there is no way I would treat her like this.