Scalded son, mother punishing grandparent, is this reasonable?

[vr6lee]

My mother had an accident with my son, to cut a long story short the kettle ended up being pulled from the worktop by my son while in her arms, this ended up scalding the bottom of his leg and top of his foot ending in a skin graft.
My mother is devastated and has really struggled with whats happened. But my girlfriend is not helping at all. She has said she doesn't want her near my son again and will never look after him again. I have talked her round and my mun has been able to see my son a few times. There is tension between my girlfriend and my mother now so I have offered to take my son up to my mothers so she can see him as she really does love him to bits. But my girlfriend has poo poo'ed this and says the only way she is seeing him is at our house when she is present.
I think this is undermining me as a father as I have said I would be present at all times just to ease her mind, but I can now only come to one conclusion and that she is doing this to punish my mother by making it as difficult as possible for her to see her grandson.

My question to other mothers is do you think this is fair behavior or is she being very harsh.

Thanks in advance for any opinions.

Lee

[littlewhitebag]

Is your son also your gf's child, your OP doesn't make that clear?

I can see all points of view here. It was an accident and accidents do happen, but it was fairly major and your gf will be worried that something else might happen.

It is your DM so you feel a sense of loyalty to her and perhaps you are more pragmatic and less emotional with dealing with what happened.

I think it will take time for trust to be built up between DM and your gf again.

I suspect everyone is pretty traumatised by what happened and that in itself can take a while to recover from.

[DoYouNeedAWahhmbulance]

Why isn't your mother happy with seeing him at your house? Surely a lot of grandparents have this kind of contract without any backstory?

[Thurlow]

I think it is a bit harsh, though it is completely understandable.

Do the circumstances of the accident make sense? Accidents do happen, it sounds like a horrific accident but these sort of accidents happen to parents too.

Previous posters have made the point of how your mum was to safety beforehand, and how she is now.

I can completely understand how very hard it is for your girlfriend, but if it really was a genuine accident, I think it needs to be worked out to still have a relationship.

[ChasedByBees]

Did you want your mother to be trusted to be left alone with your child again? I'm wondering if you've tried to talk your girlfriend round and this is the compromise, I wonder if she trusts you not to leave your DC with your mother alone.

When my DC was a baby, I become hugely hugely safety conscious and hyper aware of any risk, more so than my DH. That dropped off and I think my risk awareness is back to normal now she's a toddler (perversely when she's at more risk as she can grab things herself). I would have probably reacted the same as your girlfriend at the time as I wouldn't have trusted anyone else to he quite as hyper aware.

Saying that's she's not helping and doing this to punish your mum is unfair though. She wants to protect her baby from someone who caused them great harm.

[Foxsticks]

If my MIL had let that happen I'd have struggled to let her see him again ever, let alone without me there.

Do you have a strained relationship though Horatia? I can't imagine banning my MIL from my dd life over something that was an accident. They both love each other so much I couldn't do it to either of them.

[SpockSmashesScissors]

Your girlfriend is not punishing your mother, she is trying to keep her son safe.

Your stance on this is not helping, support your girlfriend, she is bring perfectly reasonable.

Your mum can see grandson at your house with both of you present, exactly what I would do.

[pictish]

Abd I do agree that she is undermining you as a father somewhat, yes. Her opinion is not the only one that carries any weight. Yours does too - equally so.
If her own mother had had such an accident occur, would she be banning her from seeing him unless under supervision, or would she put it down to being an awful accident and move on?

[HeadfirstThroughTheTimeVortex]

Hand on heart if my mil had allowed one of my dc, as babies, close enough to a boiling kettle to pour it on themselves it would take me a long time before I could trust her alone with my baby again. I wouldn't stop her from seeing them, but yes it would be in my home on my terms.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The grandmother isn't banned. The mother is OK with the baby and the grandmother on home ground. It could be that the grandmother's house is a death-trap in more respects than teetering kettles.

[ChasedByBees]

PS what I mean is that this my change in time and she may allow your SM more contact. If you force things, you may may up destroying your relationship.

[LtEveDallas]

Would she do the same with her own Mum?

This x 1000.

Unless your mother purposely let your child get burned, then this was an accident. It's why they are called "Accidents", not "On Purposes". At some point you or your girlfriend will do something (or not do something) that will hurt or put your child in danger. Every parent does it - I don't know a single parent that hasn't.

For my part it was letting DD fall off the changing table, landing on her head....on DH's part it was shutting her finger in the car door...On the school's part it was letting her climb on the planters when they were wet resulting in a fall and 4 stitches in her chin.

None of the above were meant to happen. All of the above could have been avoided. We do not blame ANYONE for the fact that they did happen.

[JugglingBackwardsAndForwards]

Just take things gently. Everyone has had a terrible shock and everyone will be dreadfully upset about what has happened.
Hopefully in time the injuries will heal well and trust can gradually be rebuilt too.
I don't think your GF is being completely unreasonable because she is allowing/accepting DGM to see DGS at your house. I think you should probably all be content to start with this. It doesn't mean that it will always be like this, but it will take time

[HeadfirstThroughTheTimeVortex]

If my own parent had done it I would feel the same too.

[winkywinkola]

Your gf has had a real fright.

Do as she asks. Let her slowly build up confidence in your mother again.

[myroomisatip]

I think it is a natural reaction. I agree with pp that she is probably feeling guilty but not even be aware that she is. I think you need to support your partner in this. In time she will probably become more flexible.

Sorry about your DC.

[Toecheese]

I think your girlfriends reaction is natural. Her animal instinct is to look after her young at any cost. The most effective way of making sure her child is safe, is to be there herself in a controllable environment.

Your girlfriends confidence in your mothers ability to keep son safe has been seriously shaken to the core. The only way forward is for your mother to take baby steps. This will naturally involve mother being with you son in your girlfriends presence and slowly over a long period demonstrating she can be trusted.

This is not about you. Don't make it about you.

[Electryone]

I can understand the initial shock but Im also wondering if the posters who say they wouldn't let their MIL either see or be alone with their child again would say the same if it was their own Mum, or would this be seen as "different", it shouldn't be obviously as both are Grans.

[HeadfirstThroughTheTimeVortex]

Littlewhiitebag In the thread title it says she is the mother.

[SPsMrLoverManSHABBA]

Your girlfriend is been unreasonable.

Accidents happen. I have carried my son while been near a kettle.

My brother was burnt in a similar in my nannas care (mums mil) and mum wouldn't have dreamed of acting like that. It was an accident and nanna would never have done it on purpose and mum knew that.

Its not like she poured the water over him!

I bet she is feeling just as bad about it and always will without your gf making out like she cant be trusted and her home is a death trap.

The mother isn't the only person capable of making choices for the child.

[VenusDeWillendorf]

You sound very young, like you believe your mother is more important than your own family.

Your mother sounds incapable of looking after such a young baby, as she seems to have forgotten the basics.

I'm with your son's mother here, and wouldn't want my son near someone so clueless and irresponsible either. She has caused harm to a baby by her negligence.

You need to get your head together as to who is more important in your life, your own mother, or the mother of your baby.

Thinking about terms such as punishment aren't helpful at all in this situation.

My advice to you is to work on your communication skills with your own family, and by that I mean your son and his mother, and put your own mother on the back burner, as she's not as important.
(If you are putting your mother's feelings above your son's and your partner's you may have a more deep seated Oedipal problem).

[sebsmummy1]

Agree with the majority here.

If my MIL had accidentally caused my son to be seriously injured I too would REALLY struggle to allow her to have unfettered access. I think I would also struggle if my own Mother had caused the injury too!!

I think you need to give this whole situation some time. Don't force the issue. Your mother is probably keen to make amends and do everything she can to prove to your gf that she is a great Nanny. But every time your gf sees the scars she is reminded of what happened.

[notso]

This happened to my 4 week old DN while his Dad was holding him and trying to make his bottle. The burn wasn't quite as severe but it was terrible for all of them however his Mum didn't ban his Dad from looking after him.

I think your girlfriend should trust you to supervise your DS at you Mums. I find my PIL a bit over-bearing and get frustrated with them pushing their way all the time, but they love my DC and I know they would be devastated by something like this.

[Toecheese]

Is your mother generally careless with her grandchildren?

[pictish]

With all due respect Venus - what a lot of tosh.
Oedipal complex? You what??
Put down this month's issue of Psychologies and come back to the real world.

[littlewhitebag]

headfirst So it does. Stupid me! OP kept referring to 'my' son rather than 'our' son so i got confused!