Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Scalded son, mother punishing grandparent, is this reasonable?

740 replies

vr6lee · 09/01/2014 09:50

My mother had an accident with my son, to cut a long story short the kettle ended up being pulled from the worktop by my son while in her arms, this ended up scalding the bottom of his leg and top of his foot ending in a skin graft.
My mother is devastated and has really struggled with whats happened. But my girlfriend is not helping at all. She has said she doesn't want her near my son again and will never look after him again. I have talked her round and my mun has been able to see my son a few times. There is tension between my girlfriend and my mother now so I have offered to take my son up to my mothers so she can see him as she really does love him to bits. But my girlfriend has poo poo'ed this and says the only way she is seeing him is at our house when she is present.
I think this is undermining me as a father as I have said I would be present at all times just to ease her mind, but I can now only come to one conclusion and that she is doing this to punish my mother by making it as difficult as possible for her to see her grandson.

My question to other mothers is do you think this is fair behavior or is she being very harsh.

Thanks in advance for any opinions.

Lee

OP posts:
ouryve · 09/01/2014 12:28

Then everything my mum did wrong was completely out of order, eg giving him sweets when he didn't finish his dinner, get him out of cot if he cryed for a while without going to sleep etc. But all fairly petty in my eyes, GP's do these things, when I say this I get it in the neck for not supporting her, once the accident happened I cant help think being used as an excuse to keep my mother at bay.

If the terrible twos are to be survived, then consistency is important. Your GF is clearly unhappy with your parents undermining her efforts to send consistent messages about mealtimes, bedtime etc. Yet you write off the sweets, picking up etc as things that grandparents do. Grandparents who have any respect for the mothers of their grandchildren try to support their parenting methods.

It sounds to me like you don't like your GF very much, to be honest.

fluffyraggies · 09/01/2014 12:28

I think 10 weeks is NO time at all OP.

Putting aside all the details of who said and did what in the months before the accident i think you need to let your GF come to terms with what has happened in her own time.

''I have gone along with GF for 10 weeks now and it causing a strain on my relationship between parents, especially as they are helping me renovate my house.''

What does this mean?

Your DS has been scarred.
Your GF is distressed about her son's safety .... you're worrying about your parents feelings because of some home improvements? Hmm

SuperScrimper · 09/01/2014 12:32

After 10 weeks, no my baby would not being going to MIL's house.

I can tell you, categorically, that she would never again have sole charge of our child, but over time I would agree to her seeing him at her house without me present, but with another adult I considered responsible.

HavantGuard · 09/01/2014 12:33

Tell your girlfriend your mother is coming round to visit regularly, that's non negotiable, and that she loves your child too and you expect your GF to be civil. Tell her you will back her up on the things she feels are important regarding diet, naps etc.

Tell you mother she is welcome in your home and you would love to see her there regularly. Tell her that what seem little things to her (and you) can be a much bigger deal when you're the one trying to get your child into good sleep and eating patterns and ask her to respect your (and the baby's mother's) choices.

SomethingkindaOod · 09/01/2014 12:34

Just as an aside lee what seems petty to you can be a real PITA to your gf, start with the united front now with your parents, it'll be much easier to deal with the 'divide and conquer' rule that your DS will learn when he's older Smile
You really do seem to be stuck in the middle here, it's still very raw and as I said ways up thread your gf will have some guilty feelings herself because she wasn't there.
Was it a major lie she was caught out in? Be honest, does your Mum still make an issue of it? They need to deal with this themselves, by spending time together they might move past all the issues, not just this incident and move on hopefully, but you (and others) do need to let them do it themselves.

BookroomRed · 09/01/2014 12:34

Ten weeks is no time, OP. You need to give your partner time to get over a horrible shock.

I accidentally let a stairgate open for thirty seconds while I picked up a bottle from the floor, and my eleven month old fell down a steep flight of stairs and needed an A and E visit. Even though he was uninjured, ten weeks later, I was still waking up in a cold sweat and getting out of bed at night to check the stairgate was closed, even though he was asleep in his cot.

There's a strong feeling of impatience in your last post - like your partner should woman up and move on, purely so you aren't 'getting grief' and having your house renovations messed with. You can't set a timescale to someone's else's shock and reaction.

Tailtwister · 09/01/2014 12:34

I would ask your girlfriend if she would feel the same way if her own mother had been holding him.

ChristmasCareeristBitchNigel · 09/01/2014 12:34

It wouldn't even cross my mind to be angry with my MIL if this happened. She would be devastated. However, she is safety conscious and I know it wouldn't have happened just because she was blase so I think previous history has a lot to do with it, as does how "wriggly" your DS is - DN is a nightmare as he is pretty much hyperactive and constantly on the run pulling things out and all over the place so could easily do something like this.

So I'm on the fence wtih this

Chattymummyhere · 09/01/2014 12:35

I support the GF your parents constantly undermine her by the sounds of it and you let them and support them, so you gf see's you not caring about her feelings and then your mum lets your child get injured in this way..

Wake up!! Your showing your GF just how little her feelings mean to you and how much more important your parents are no wonder she is pulling away, if you keep this up she may just walk out you know.. If my DH acted like that I would of told him where to stick it.. In fact I did ban my inlaws from unsupervised by myself contact, as they would ignore everything said so I pulled away in 3 years they saw my oldest 5 times alone.

Writerwannabe83 · 09/01/2014 12:35

superscrimper - would you be so harsh if the accident had happened at your mother's house and under her care? Or would you perhaps be more forgiving and understanding?

Is all this just another way for women to moan about their MIL's?

SomethingkindaOod · 09/01/2014 12:35

Oh, and what HavantGuard said..

BunnyLebowski · 09/01/2014 12:36

The things that you describe your mother doing OP are not necessarily petty to your GF.

It sounds like your mum is quite interfering and is undermining your GF.

And you don't seem to like your girlfriend very much and appear to prioritise your parents over your partner.

All this must be very hard for your girlfriend and she has all my sympathy.

ChristmasCareeristBitchNigel · 09/01/2014 12:38

Your GF is clearly unhappy with your parents undermining her efforts to send consistent messages about mealtimes, bedtime etc.

Maybe the OP doesn't agree with his GF. She is not, after all, the sole parent. Why shouldn't he get a say ?

OP, having read your update I would say YANBU. Let's hope your GF doesn't accidentally endanger/injure your son - after all, you'll know what action she expects in those circumstances, won't you

curlew · 09/01/2014 12:42

Bloody hell, another mil hung out to dry!

treaclesoda · 09/01/2014 12:43

I read the first post and felt really sympathetic towards the MIL, I was thinking 'oh, I'm sure she is devastated' etc.

But reading the post with more details, actually I'm now much more understanding of the GF. When your MIL constantly undermines you with things that might seem trivial, and your partner doesn't support you, and minimises it with comments such as 'oh, that's just what grandparents do' then you can be left feeling that no one respects your point of view, that you are just being dismissed. It's easy for me to imagine how the GF might feel 'well, MIL didn't respect my point of view before, and DP didn't defend me, who's to know what would happen if a dangerous situation occurred again? Would DP speak up, or would he just leave it to MIL's judgement?'

Its a tricky situation.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2014 12:45

OP... if your DM has been giving your G/F the 'I know best' routine for a while, your G/F has been made to feel inferior. Then this accident has happened, it makes even more sense that she's not comfortable with him being at your DM's place. Like the scars on his ankle, the resentment will fade over time but I think your DM will have to eat a bit of humble pie and do her best to placate your G/F in person Not have you take the baby round without his mother.

MakingEveryDayCount · 09/01/2014 12:46

I appreciate it was an accident on your mother's part, but on the other hand I have to say how incredibly foolish it was to go to a boiling kettle while carrying a baby!
I don't blame your girlfriend at all for not wanting to leave your child in her care again, I'd be exactly the same. It will have given her a hell of a fright and left her feeling extremely protective.
I don't think she sees it as 'punishing' your mum, more like she wants to be there all the time to make sure an accident doesn't happen again.
My trust would be shattered, and that will be how your gf sees it too.

Thurlow · 09/01/2014 12:47

I think those are petty thing. That's what most grandparents do, isn't it? One too many sweets, a bit lax on bedtimes... Not the end of the world.

Still don't know enough about the accident to say whether your mum was very lax or something completely unexpected happened. (Another person here who has held the kettle in one hand and the baby in the other).

Sounds from the limited information (which is obviously from your perspective) that your gf doesn't like your mum anyway. I completely understand her being shocked and very upset over the incident, but if she dislikes your mum anyway then this may well be the final straw for her.

SomethingkindaOod · 09/01/2014 12:48

More assumptions...
Where does he imply that he doesn't like his Gf? Because he isn't jumping down his mother's throat every time she goes near the child? I'm having more and more sympathy with the MIL at the moment, how does anybody else know that she isn't waking up in cold sweats at night over it herself? The lad being 18 months old actually gives the story more sense, it can be a split second of not looking that makes the difference at that age, to be frank, they are buggers for grabbing and pulling or being in a place you didn't expect them to be like half way up a bookcase, yes YOU DD2

SilverApples · 09/01/2014 12:50

You say your mother is devastated, how is she showing that?
Has she apologised to your GF profusely, taken responsibility for what happened and acknowledged why your partner is so protective now?
Or is she going down the 'FFS it was an accident' route?
Or having a melodramatic fit of the vapours because your GF is being so harsh and depriving her of her grandchild, even though your mother still has supervided access?
What is your relationship like with your GF, does she feel like you are a united team with your child's best interests at heart?

Princess28 · 09/01/2014 12:53

So let me get this straight "My mother is devastated and has really struggled with whats happened. But my girlfriend is not helping at all. "

And in your update "giving him sweets when he didn't finish his dinner...."etc

Your mother undermined what your girlfriend thought was important before the accident- you didn't back her up and let your mother get on with it.

Why on earth would she trust you now to follow her wishes?????

What about your girlfriend and her feelings? You only seem to care about your mothers feelings.

It's only been 10 weeks and your SON's scars are still healing. Concentrate on your son and your girlfriend- they should be your priority. Show your girlfriend she can trust you. It was a completely avoidable accident. You need to demonstrate your priority now is as a FATHER not as a son.

diddl · 09/01/2014 12:53

I'm also thinking that OPs gf wouldn't trust him to supervise at his mums-and tbh, from the last post, I can see why she would feel that way.

It all comes across to me as you wanting an easy life and gf is the one it's easier to say no to?

Sallystyle · 09/01/2014 12:55

I think I would personally allow my MIL to see my child alone if an accident like this happened because I know she adores her grandchildren and would never put them in harms way on purpose and an accident that happened on her watch would leave her devastated. Accidents do happen to the best of parents/GP's so it isn't something I could imagine holding against her.

If she doesn't want your child left alone with her that is one thing as it is early days but if I read correctly, she doesn't want YOU to take the child to your DM's either without her being there? That is the possible unreasonable part. Why does she need to be present? doesn't she trust you either? Obviously this runs much deeper than the accident if she won't allow you to take him round without her there. But, if you have constantly undermined her with sticking up for your mum with valid complaints your GF has, no matter how small (like her giving your son sweets when he doesn't he his meals) then you might need to accept some responsibility for the break down in the relationship and not setting proper boundaries with your DM.

At this point, my advice would be to you to let this go for a bit, let your mum see her grandchild with your GF there so she feels like you are on the same side and slowly things might just change. GF obviously feels like her feelings aren't being listened to and if you care about your relationship you need to be on her side because it sounds like she may not just be being controlling but after a long time of being undermined by you and your dm this is the straw that has broke the camels back.

All this to say.. she might be being unreasonable, she might not. One way or another you need to talk and see what else is going on and make steps into helping fixing any underlying problem there is with her and your mum.

Excuse any typos/bad grammar..

fanjobiscuits · 09/01/2014 12:57

I would react as gf has whether it was mother, mil, childcare provider, friend, whoever. Not sure how people are reaching the assumption this is because it's the mil?

ChristmasCareeristBitchNigel · 09/01/2014 13:00

Classic example of Mum must be right, everyone else is wrong and Mum's opinion must supersede that of the father and grandparents.

OP, he is YOUR SON TOO. Your GF does not actually have the deciding vote in everything to do with your son. If you want to take him to your mother's, take him. Time to stand up for yourself.