Scalded son, mother punishing grandparent, is this reasonable?

[vr6lee]

My mother had an accident with my son, to cut a long story short the kettle ended up being pulled from the worktop by my son while in her arms, this ended up scalding the bottom of his leg and top of his foot ending in a skin graft.
My mother is devastated and has really struggled with whats happened. But my girlfriend is not helping at all. She has said she doesn't want her near my son again and will never look after him again. I have talked her round and my mun has been able to see my son a few times. There is tension between my girlfriend and my mother now so I have offered to take my son up to my mothers so she can see him as she really does love him to bits. But my girlfriend has poo poo'ed this and says the only way she is seeing him is at our house when she is present.
I think this is undermining me as a father as I have said I would be present at all times just to ease her mind, but I can now only come to one conclusion and that she is doing this to punish my mother by making it as difficult as possible for her to see her grandson.

My question to other mothers is do you think this is fair behavior or is she being very harsh.

Thanks in advance for any opinions.

Lee

Depends really, obviously she doesn't trust MIL but if he is taking him over and giving a reassurance they don't be left alone, that's not in the same bracket as white water rafting.

I am not firmly in the take him camp I do understand it will take time, but there has to be a limit.

If she dosent trust him to watch him in a house then that need addressing, but obviously over time given this circumstance.

It sounds like there has been an awful lot of things happen before this accident between hour gf and your parents. Yes god do often spoil dgc by giving sweets and cake when told not to. My mil sees nothing wrong with giving chocolate cake for breakfast whatever I have said. But then my mum felt that the dc always needed pancakes with syrup for breakfast again regardless of what had been said.

Your ds was only hurt 10 weeks ago, your gf is doing well to be willing to see your mum. Your mum and dad need to gain your gf trust again. As others have said you need to put your gf's feelings and your ds first if you want to keep the relationship going

I'll take you up on that Curlew, since you seem insistent.

Did you afterwards say that it was your DC's fault for getting in the way? Did you blame the fact that you were busy and distracted or tired? Did you opine that you could not have done anything differently and that you were going to use the same method of slamming the car door without first checking little fingers weren't in the way in future? Or did you accept the fact that you'd screwed up - you hadn't been careful enough and part of parenting is accepting that we get busy, distracted and tired but that we still have to do the best we can to have safe habits, precisely so that when we're distracted and tired, we have minimised the chance of an accident by almost being safe on auto-pilot IYSWIM.

Funnily enough, an au-pair of mine did that to my DS when he was about six - slammed his finger in the boot because she wasn't careful enough. She was horrified, really stricken - almost crying that she'd caused him such pain (luckily nothing broken, just bruising). She was always extremely careful and safety conscious and I knew that she'd learn from the experience (which was possibly more traumatic for her, poor girl, than for him - ice cream cured the pain fairly quickly). I knew that she'd learn from it. I told her not to worry, that accidents happen and that I knew she was generally careful and she mustn't dwell on it or think I was angry with her - I took great pains to reassure her that I didn't blame her for what was after all, an avoidable accident. But if she'd said it wasn't her fault and she was going to carry on doing everything the same, I'd have sacked her.

Like I said, everyone has accidents. (Unless they're supernaturally lucky.) How we deal with the possibility of those accidents is what influences other people's attitudes to us with regard to looking after their kids. The OP still hasn't said how his mother has reacted to the accident, whether she has said that she won't do xyz anymore, or whether she is adamant that there's nothing she could have done to avoid it. If I were the child's mother, that for me would be the deciding issue.

Another thought: did your mother immediately put DCs foot under running cold tap at time of accident which would lessen the severity of the injury ... or did she make the classic mistake of removing clothes ...and skin with them?
Several have mentioned scalding accidents but often involving hot drinks which are typically up to 20 degrees lower than boiling kettle water so result in less severe injuries. That sort of accident is very different from having a child in arms near a boiling kettle.

Lee - have you had your dinner yet? I think a nice Pie and a drink of Boveril are probably what you are need.

Would my Dp have been justified in refusing to let me look after our ds alone again after I broke his finger?

A broken finger is rather less damaging but I'm happy to answer, more than likely not,because entering and leaving a car with children are routine occurrences and I'm guessing you normally take care when doing them,it's not the type of thing that routinely features on safety awareness posters its also not the type of thing that instantly makes most people think "what the jeff were you thinking putting your child near a car door" where as a boiled kettle is quite different.

If your DH did think that, then as your child has a legally protected right to a full and safe relationship with you then he would have to try his luck with the courts and see what a unrelated party thought in the same way that a LA would have to if they belived you were dangeriously neglectful,Obviously it wouldn't be needed for anyone who is not a parent.

It's also unlikely anybody would agree with him but nobody could say he was guilty of failing to protect

As to one parents view point being more important than the others as a general rule they are not BUT when it comes down to one party trying to prevent a child from serious harm its perfectly acceptable to do what ever you need to do to achieve this providing its legal.

Your not serious chipping.

How i see it, I get final say in some things.

Bedtime routines, meals, punishments, routines in general.

DH gets final say in morning routines and the morning school runs because he does them more than me.

It make life easier all around.

I have thought about it and if it was my MIL she would have to prove that DC will be safe there. I adore my MIL she is one of my best friends and I think she is an amazing women. However my DC will always come first.

If it happened in my care, I suppose I would be extra cautious. Make the home safer and I would expect my DH to be very angry at me for letting it happen.

Oh, just remembered - my mother used to insist on using the front rings of her hob with the saucepan handles out over it when the kids were there, and she refused to get a safety gate to stop the kids going in her kitchen. So I just calmly told her that I wasn't prepared to let them visit her alone anymore, unless she either got a safety gate or only used the back rings on the hob. She argued that she was always careful and I was being controlling, but I just said I didn't care, the whole point of an accident is that they happen even when people are careful, so the way to deal with them is to look at everything you're doing and see how you can cut the odds. Since she was refusing to cut the odds, no way was I going to allow the DC's to visit her.

She started using the back rings.

I don't give a shit if people think I was too controlling, I have two children who didn't get scalded. They may never have been scalded without the extra precaution, but guess what, I wasn't prepared to take that risk with my kids and I wouldn't take it with anyone else's kid either.

It's not p&b again is it. Tell me no.

Tell me I haven't wasted my fingers all afternoon here!

Would my Dp have been justified in refusing to let me look after our ds alone again after I broke his finger?

Or when i slipped carrying DD and dropped her down a flight of stairs ?

OP it is clear from your posts that you have more respect for your mother than your girlfriend, and more consideration for your mother's feelings too.

You may be 32 but you seem a bit immature to be a father.

Again ChristmasCareerBitch, walking down the stairs is not actually something you can avoid, unless you are so risk averse that you decide to go and live in a bungalow to avoid the risk.

We all have our own risk tolerance don't we? I personally (like you can't guess) am extremely risk averse when it comes to babies, but not so risk averse that I decided to go and live in a bungalow.

Thing is about risk is that when you are looking after someone else's child, which someone else has gone to the trouble of germinating and giving birth to and feeding and nurturing, then you have to accept their risk level as the one you go along with - it may actually be lower than your's, in which case everyone's happy. If it's higher than your's, you might think they're being a bit silly or taking unnecessary precautions, that's fine, you have the right to your opinion, but you just don't have the right to decide that your (lower) risk level is the one that will prevail when babysitting for them. I had a friend who insisted on sitting on the stairs and bumping down on her arse with the baby in her arms - I personally found that a bit unnecessary but if she'd asked me to do that, I would have, because it was her baby, not mine.

The op has avoided explaining what actually happened. For that reason I am inclined to think that there is more to this than a single incident.

Curlew, did you break your DS's finger, by any chance?

3littlefrogs - I tend to agree.

conda I nearly posted an addition to my post to clarify that ...not to take clothes off! ....but
I 'took my DDs babygrow off' when she got the soup on her because
I was there in milliseconds and my aim was to stop the thick hot liquid before it got through to her skin (actually just pulled the poppers open - got the the material away from her skin ...on the way to the sink...which actually saved her getting burnt...
She was wearing a vest (and nappy) underneath - no danger of taking the skin too (didn't take those off until I'd spoken to A&E)
My reaction was in part instinctive because I used to a chef and part of the training is if you spill something hot down you first thing is try and get it away from your skin (if you are quick enough -otherwise straight for cold water) - so jackets are easy to rip open and trousers easy to drop ...and I have split a pan of hot oil down my front and got away with it - I immediately ripped my jacket open and held it open before the oil got through the material (and then cut my apron off)
(and the kitchen porters got an eyeful - but that was the least of my worries)

AskBasil - I had to bump down on my bottom with the boys, sometimes - it's my knees I don't trust and our stairs are really steep. A decade on from doing it with the first one, i have to do it by myself, sometimes, now!

Altinkum that is such a kind and thoughtful post.

Wishing you (all of you) a fortunate and wonderful New Year.

Oakenshield - sadly so. Lots of threads looking decidedly well fed & watered.

If your GF can't face seeing your mum in her own get your mum to write a letter apologising deeply. She should also get herself on a fist aid course. Also your mum should go to your house more.

I think it will take time for your GF to forgive and trust. I think you do need to stop tying in the lying with what you see as pettiness. To me her lies sound silly and childish but not mean or serious. Essentially I think it's natural to want to keep your child safe at any cost. - it's an animal instinct.