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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Scalded son, mother punishing grandparent, is this reasonable?

740 replies

vr6lee · 09/01/2014 09:50

My mother had an accident with my son, to cut a long story short the kettle ended up being pulled from the worktop by my son while in her arms, this ended up scalding the bottom of his leg and top of his foot ending in a skin graft.
My mother is devastated and has really struggled with whats happened. But my girlfriend is not helping at all. She has said she doesn't want her near my son again and will never look after him again. I have talked her round and my mun has been able to see my son a few times. There is tension between my girlfriend and my mother now so I have offered to take my son up to my mothers so she can see him as she really does love him to bits. But my girlfriend has poo poo'ed this and says the only way she is seeing him is at our house when she is present.
I think this is undermining me as a father as I have said I would be present at all times just to ease her mind, but I can now only come to one conclusion and that she is doing this to punish my mother by making it as difficult as possible for her to see her grandson.

My question to other mothers is do you think this is fair behavior or is she being very harsh.

Thanks in advance for any opinions.

Lee

OP posts:
MinesAPintOfTea · 09/01/2014 19:43

Curlew its that I feel no need to post about my lively mil and how I'm looking forward to the spa weekend we're having with sil or that she's taking pfb for the weekend in a few Weeks. If there is a post involving a mil at least one of the parties has probably caused another upset.

Its the same for pretty much all relationships disused on MN and is why the relationships board is renowned for advising ltb

Inertia · 09/01/2014 19:43

SP Given the horrendous situation that Keema describes, I think trauma is an accurate word to use in circumstances such as the OP's- rather than aiming to whip up hysteria, I aimed to use a word which conveyed a sense of both medical injury and distress, because that's what happened to the OP's child. And it's possible that the medical treatment may continue for some time.

OP, to answer your original question- your girlfriend isn't being harsh, and her compromise suggestion of your mother coming to visit your son at your house is entirely reasonable and not harsh at all. And disagreeing with you doesn't mean I'm not civilised, it just means I don't agree with you. In your shoes I'd be more concerned with keeping my child safe and trying to rebuild trusting family relationships, rather than scoring points on the who-is-the-most-hard-done-to scale.

It's be helpful for you to read SockReturningPixie's post about how you as a family ensure that you are doing what's best for your child rather than what's best for the adults involved.

HeeHiles · 09/01/2014 19:45

Why does the mum trump OP's wishes? I think him taking the child round is a perfectly reasonable compromise. It can't all be her way. No doubt the OP has been through a really hard time watching his son suffer too so why do her wishes trump his? he is an adult, it is his child too.

I agree Sam - he too has had a horrible shock and has managed to forgive his mum!

HeeHiles · 09/01/2014 19:52

My mother ran a marathon in her 20s, doesn't mean she could do it now.*

Strange analogy but she could still help with advice and training? She has experience!

TaraLott · 09/01/2014 19:57

And would a caring partner really want to upset his already traumatised GF by just doing what he wants because it's his child too?
Yes, he has had a terrible shock too and seems to have recovered from it more quickly than his GF.
His GF has offered a totally reasonable compromise, what is wrong with that?
Seriously, if the OP pushes to get his way I imagine his GF will be wondering why she's still with him.

TaraLott · 09/01/2014 19:59

And if I were the Granny I would NOT be pushing for this either.
I would be relieved that the GF was even willing to let me in her home.

HeeHiles · 09/01/2014 20:03

There is tension between my girlfriend and my mother now so I have offered to take my son up to my mothers so she can see him as she really does love him to bits. But my girlfriend has poo poo'ed this and says the only way she is seeing him is at our house when she is present.
I think this is undermining me as a father as I have said I would be present at all times

This is why he wants to bring his son to his mums Tara

HeeHiles · 09/01/2014 20:03

Why isn't the bold working?

TaraLott · 09/01/2014 20:06

Then the Granny has to work much harder at regaining the GFs trust.
Like I said, I would be grateful that she was even letting me near my DGC and in her home.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 09/01/2014 20:07

Bold isn't working because you've got a line break.

When you have a line break
you need to star every section.

cory · 09/01/2014 20:08

What would other posters think a man should do if a serious accident happened (as it did to my dd) due to an error of judgment on the part of his wife?

Should he insist on her never having access to the baby again?

I think Sockreturningpixie makes a good point about the attitude after the accident and upping the game. The MIL is very upset- does she have a plan for avoiding such accidents in the future? Would she be able to communicate this to her DIL? Or is she just focusing on her own need to see her grandchild?

TaraLott · 09/01/2014 20:08

Of course there's tension between them, the Granny let the child get hurt whilst in her care, SHE's the one who has to do the running and the making up and the apologising and the trust building.
And it was only ten weeks ago.

phantomnamechanger · 09/01/2014 20:11

you also need to not leave spaces between your sentence and the asterisks

HTH Smile

HeeHiles · 09/01/2014 20:14

Thanks Phantom and Horatia - doing the same way as I always do and it worked before - must have left a space!

HoratiaDrelincourt · 09/01/2014 20:23

phantom if you were talking to me I left them spaced out on purpose.

Grin Wink

AskBasil · 09/01/2014 20:32

The OP still hasn't given enough information to decide if his gf is unreasonable, although he's given a bit.

  1. MIL has done that passive aggressive thing of deliberately giving baby food she has been specifically asked not to. It's bloody awful to put your wish to be loved by your GC above that child's welfare and it's cringey that so many people see nothing wrong with that.
  1. We don't know if the MIL was undermining the mother in other ways.
  1. We know that the OP wasn't supporting his GF - not the crime of the century - way to go to undermine your GF's concern and to let her know that her feelings aren't valid.
  1. We don't know if he is an equal parent and yes, it does matter who does most of the parenting - the only reason people are so eager to say it doesn't, is because mostly it's women who are doing most of it. You can bet your bottom dollar that if it were blokes doing most of the childcare, it wouldn't even be questioned that of course the one doing most of it knows more about it.
  1. and IMO most importantly, we don't know what the MIL's attitude is: does she acknowledge that she did something wrong or is she of the view that she couldn't do anything differently and the accident was unavoidable.

What people have said about taking responsibility AFTER the event is really important -most of us have fucked up when looking after our small children, but it's how we deal with the fuck ups that matter. If we shrugged and said there was no other way to deal with it, then SS would have been quite right to be concerned. If we acknowledged that we fucked up and decided not to do that again and to be more careful in future, then we're just normal.

The OP has not actually said which camp his mother is in.

LadyBeagleEyes · 09/01/2014 20:33

An unbelievably difficult situation.

volvocowgirl · 09/01/2014 20:46

OP you seemed a reasonable father until you called people names because they didn't agree with you and started mudslinging at your GF (without giving full details).

You need to learn to be more reasonable and give your GF time to forgive your mother. 10 weeks if not that long, and is obviously not long enough for her.

You need to support your GF and not be so judgemental.

You also need to accept that your GF is the mother of your child and her opinion on how he is raised is more important that your mother's.

You are being unreasonable towards your girlfriend in general - nevermind this situation. If you were more supportive towards her maybe you would inspire enough trust from her regarding the situation with your mother.

curlew · 09/01/2014 20:49

I am still interested in th fact that very few people have responded to my earlier question.

Would my Dp have been justified in refusing to let me look after our ds alone again after I broke his finger?

LittleThorinOakenshield · 09/01/2014 20:50

But not of greater importance than the fathers Volvo.

unlucky83 · 09/01/2014 20:52

I can't understand why everyone thinks that one parent can't say that they are unhappy with something the other parent is going to do and just not agree to do it ...
(Most eg in the above a mother telling a father they can't do XYZ but it could be the other way round...)
I have forbidden DP from doing something with DCs (6 &12)....maybe I'm just too controlling? They are his DCs too so I can't do that can I? ...

I posted earlier that my DP has shown he wasn't very 'aware'...He has bought a boat, has little experience, still learning. He uses it on a tidal river - 1.5 mile plus wide and deep. He mentioned in passing he had been given two lifejackets -adult ones - so he could now take DCs out on the boat...Shock
I said no you can't - unless you can prove they are the right fit and are the kind where they won't end up face first in the water if they are unconscious. His initial response? - laughed - I was overreacting - on his first trip out with his friend they weren't wearing life jackets at all and anyway he was a good swimmer Shock....
He has since seen sense and agreed that he won't take them out without properly fitted life jackets....when he has more experience...and only one at a time at first...
(he nearly drowned himself a few weeks before, fell in trying to launch and had to be rescued as he was being dragged out by the tide)

So if he insisted on it - just let him?
Chances are they'd all be fine - but that's too big a chance for me to take....

LittleThorinOakenshield · 09/01/2014 20:55

Unlucky that's a little different I totally agree with you. Proper life jackets.

condaleeza · 09/01/2014 20:56

Although accidents do happen this one was easily avoidable so I would say your GF is not being unreasonable. Your GFs priority is your DC not helping your mother come to terms with the incident. Be patient and invite your mother to visit and see DC at your home when GF there. In time (a long time) she may relax her vigilance and have confidence in your mother's ability to care for DC again.

unlucky83 · 09/01/2014 21:05

Thorin - it is the principle - if your DP/H/W wants to do something that you aren't comfortable with - you think is unsafe - surely you can refuse to give permission - as the DCs are 50% yours?
In this case the GF doesn't feel her DS is safe with her DMil -so she is within her rights to refuse permission? Doesn't want to take the risk ...
Lots of discussion about whether you can as a parent stop the other parent doing something they want to do...I think you can -or at least you should be able to...

ouryve · 09/01/2014 21:07

Just nurturing my prim-evilness :o