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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Scalded son, mother punishing grandparent, is this reasonable?

740 replies

vr6lee · 09/01/2014 09:50

My mother had an accident with my son, to cut a long story short the kettle ended up being pulled from the worktop by my son while in her arms, this ended up scalding the bottom of his leg and top of his foot ending in a skin graft.
My mother is devastated and has really struggled with whats happened. But my girlfriend is not helping at all. She has said she doesn't want her near my son again and will never look after him again. I have talked her round and my mun has been able to see my son a few times. There is tension between my girlfriend and my mother now so I have offered to take my son up to my mothers so she can see him as she really does love him to bits. But my girlfriend has poo poo'ed this and says the only way she is seeing him is at our house when she is present.
I think this is undermining me as a father as I have said I would be present at all times just to ease her mind, but I can now only come to one conclusion and that she is doing this to punish my mother by making it as difficult as possible for her to see her grandson.

My question to other mothers is do you think this is fair behavior or is she being very harsh.

Thanks in advance for any opinions.

Lee

OP posts:
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 09/01/2014 19:05

In the situation I would want my husband to support me.

If my DC has a serious accident in someone care ( anyones) they will not be going there.

If it happened in my care I wouldn't know what I would do.

workhouse · 09/01/2014 19:05

Yes, she would probably be much more supportive of her BF

curlew · 09/01/2014 19:08

No. The thread would be different if it wasn't a MIL. There seems to be an unspoken assumption on Mumsnet that all women, given the choice, would cut off all contact with their MIL, not only for themselves, but for their children and their partner. So any thread which seems to offer any justification for such a detachment is leapt on with great glee, and the woman concerned encouraged and congratulated on achieving the desired end.

redcaryellowcar · 09/01/2014 19:09

i haven't read all the thread, but i agree with your girlfriend, its a bad accident which will literally scar your dc for life, in the same situation i would want to be there. whilst i understand your mother must be devastated. i would advise you to support your partner and work with her on making sure your dc is only looked after by people who you 'both' feel confidet with.

curlew · 09/01/2014 19:11

"If it happened in my care I wouldn't know what I would do."

Well, maybe you need to think what you would do. Because it will happen. And I speak as a woman who broke her own child's finger.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 19:11

Curlew I agree. I has best be careful though as I might get quoted Grin

IneedAsockamnesty · 09/01/2014 19:12

Many years ago I used to work directly for social services I was involved with lots of cases where preventable accidents were considered to be neglect and a fair few that resulted in children being removed, the ones where the children were removed all without fail had parent/s who were unwilling or unable to to take reasonable steps to prevent other future preventable accidents.

One that springs to mind was a child who pulled a saucepan full of hot food off the cooker whilst in one of the child's adult aunts care, the aunt was horrified but was unable to accept that she could have done things differently or that she would in future and both the parents saw nothing wrong with her continuing childcare,I've also known of situations where a child has been injured in several simmerler accidents where the first should have been enough to change the actions of the caregiver.

I was obviously also aware of many many cases where children had accidents that resulted in no action.

I'm the parent of a child who was involved in a very serious accident that required life saving medical treatment and over a decade of still ongoing medical treatment, the difference between me and the families who had children removed was my reaction.

Now I'm not saying anything other than reactions and future preventative steps are considerations that need to be made. Just because your a parent it does not mean you will consider and act on the things that you should, where significant incidents or accidents have occurred it can often be better to up your game a fair bit and if one parent can't/ won't then it's the others job to do so.

10 weeks is very very early days it would be quite unusual to not still be fretting. There is also no significant need for the least risk adverse parent to push the issue in the short term especially when it involves a family member who is not a parent (obviously excluding paranoid risk adverse mental health issue type behaviour) it may be far more adventitious for you to just go with this and see how it pans out.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 09/01/2014 19:12

The MIL has successfully raised at least one child to adulthood

My mother ran a marathon in her 20s, doesn't mean she could do it now.

CSIJanner · 09/01/2014 19:13

OP - you posted in AIBU. If you just wanted answers, then you should have posted in chat. AIBU tends to dissect and extrapolate, whilst being tempered by the posters own experiences. The proverbial nest of vipers.

Having said that, your GF has offered the GP's to meet in your own home. That's v reasonable and they should absolutely take her up on this. Also, if you should gently encourage her to meet with your mum to talk, do so but make it clear that whilst you love and trust your mum, you will support her in the decisions she makes in regards to GP contact. My DN recently had a v bad accident that almost killed BIL and himself. DN's healing but emotionally, for all, its a scarred battle field. Allow for time to heal and very possibly counselling for all to talk.

I hope your son recovers well from this.

Sallystyle · 09/01/2014 19:16

After reading your update I now think your GF is being unreasonable.

Unfortunately, too many people here are going to read your little rant and label you as an arsehole. What you wrote wasn't great but I can see why some of the posts might have been hard to read and it is hard to remember that there is a human being behind the screen who might blow up when they feel at all attacked. Sure, you asked for opinions but they don't always mean they are easy to hear.

I have no idea how you are going to sort this out. If you don't go along with her wishes I have no doubt that your relationship is going to suffer but at the same time, it is going to suffer if she keeps overriding your feelings and opinions too. I can't see this ending too well to be honest.

If she was happy to have you go to your mums with your son then fine, but why won't she allow that? She doesn't want him there unsupervised then fair enough, but to not allow you to go with him? she obviously either doesn't trust you either or just wants to control everything, either way there is a huge issue in your relationship as well as the one between her and your mum.

Sallystyle · 09/01/2014 19:19

Excuse the screw up of the last sentence.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 09/01/2014 19:21

nessus why did you post the link?

TaraLott · 09/01/2014 19:21

Maybe the GF doesn't trust the OP because she doesn't feel he has supported her and her probably overwhelming anxiety after such a dreadful shock.
It was only ten weeks ago and may take a very long time before the scars heal.

Echocave · 09/01/2014 19:22

I'm with all the posters who say please give your girlfriend time and try to be supportive.
If your mum can demonstrate that she's thinking ahead about risks and not taking chances then she might get sole care of ds at some later point.
We all have accidents - I only realised my daughter could roll when she fell off the bed. Luckily she was fine.
That said, I do think being cack handed around boiling water is a massive error though and I'd question the ability of anyone to care for a child or baby if they did that (including myself).It's not one of those 'took my eye off the baby for a minute' ones, it's involving a baby with a very dangerous substance.
Please don't get caught up in a row with posters here, try to take any good advice you see because ultimately a lack of understanding between you and GF on this could be damaging to your relationship.

Blistory · 09/01/2014 19:24

It's always interesting to see how women perceive themselves to be the more natural parent and consequently, the better parent.

It's always interesting to see men not challenging this as it often suits their purposes.

OP, absolutely as a father you have every right to make parenting decisions about your son and it would appear from what you have posted that your GF doesn't see you as an equal parent. I'm not convinced it's the relationship between your GF and DM that is the problem.

If you feel that you parent equally, then you have a sensible discussion with your GF about the relationship that you want your son and DM to have. If, on the other hand, you leave most of the parenting to her, then you can't really be surprised that she doesn't trust you as a parent yet. Either way, the only thing really being harmed is the relationship between your son and DM which is a shame.

I believe that a man can parent equally well, and sometimes better, than a woman. But I also believe that many men opt out of doing so. Not saying that this is the case but you might want to consider why your GF doesn't trust YOU in this particular instance. She could of course just be unreasonable and over confident in her parenting abilities - but probably worth considering whether there is a deeper reason.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 09/01/2014 19:25

So OP you asked our opinion has yours changed at all?

It's very hard to judge without knowing your dm. I hope you get it sorted soon it must be very hard to deal with?

Sallystyle · 09/01/2014 19:29

Maybe Tara. Or maybe she is just being controlling because she doesn't like his mum. Personally, I know my husband would be perfectly able to protect our child whether he agreed with me or not on if the child should be allowed to go to GM's.

Why does the mum trump OP's wishes? I think him taking the child round is a perfectly reasonable compromise. It can't all be her way. No doubt the OP has been through a really hard time watching his son suffer too so why do her wishes trump his? he is an adult, it is his child too.

We have no idea really what the OP's GF is thinking. OP hasn't given us much detail to go on so we are all just speculating.

JingleJemJem · 09/01/2014 19:32

It's a really really tough situation for everyone concerned. I think some bridges need to be built and your girlfriend needs to be given time and patience to forgive and move on.

Yes it was an accident and I'm sure your DM is devastated about it, but your DP is still getting over the trauma of seeing her baby horribly injured and in pain.

Her offer to see them at her house is enough for now, I think. If she was screaming and shouting and sending them hate mail I'd say she was being OTT, but she isn't, she's just reacting as many many parents would. Please support her.

curlew · 09/01/2014 19:33

What is it about becoming a dil that make women into such cows?

SarahAndFuckTheResolutions · 09/01/2014 19:34

"she obviously either doesn't trust you either or just wants to control everything"

Those are not the only two options. She might trust the OP absolutely and not care one bit about control but feel absolutely desperate and afraid right now, only ten weeks later, at not being with her child and not being able to physically see for herself that he is alright.

She might be hating herself for feeling that way, and know that it's something she's going to have to deal with for everybody's sake, but not be quite ready yet to take the first step.

Feeling ganged up on by the OP and her MIL, and called controlling and mistrustful won't help her feel any better or any more able to do that.

MysteriousHamster · 09/01/2014 19:34

10 weeks is no time at all. I often go that long without even seeing my parents.

It's no time in terms of healing either.

Give your girlfriend more time and back her up more over parenting decisions.

LurkingNineToFive · 09/01/2014 19:36

I really wish the gf would post here. I think it would make interesting reading.

TaraLott · 09/01/2014 19:37

My DiL isn't a cow.

TaraLott · 09/01/2014 19:40

Jeez, controlling after her baby has been badly scalded?

I'd be bloody controlling too, who is doing all the dressing and caring for the child?
Who has to hear the crying when it hurts?
Give the GF a break here, it was only ten weeks ago and she has not even banned the GPs from visiting, just said they have to come to her.