Scalded son, mother punishing grandparent, is this reasonable?

[vr6lee]

My mother had an accident with my son, to cut a long story short the kettle ended up being pulled from the worktop by my son while in her arms, this ended up scalding the bottom of his leg and top of his foot ending in a skin graft.
My mother is devastated and has really struggled with whats happened. But my girlfriend is not helping at all. She has said she doesn't want her near my son again and will never look after him again. I have talked her round and my mun has been able to see my son a few times. There is tension between my girlfriend and my mother now so I have offered to take my son up to my mothers so she can see him as she really does love him to bits. But my girlfriend has poo poo'ed this and says the only way she is seeing him is at our house when she is present.
I think this is undermining me as a father as I have said I would be present at all times just to ease her mind, but I can now only come to one conclusion and that she is doing this to punish my mother by making it as difficult as possible for her to see her grandson.

My question to other mothers is do you think this is fair behavior or is she being very harsh.

Thanks in advance for any opinions.

Lee

LittleThorin girlfriend has offered a compromise. Grandmother can see child at his own house, where OP's girlfriend can see what's going on.

Why is this so abhorrent? Why is doing something that would get all involved what they want a worse option than the OP ignoring his girlfriend's fear and going to grandma's house?

It isn't that gf trumps OP, but she does trump his mother. It's unfortunate for him to be stuck in the middle but since gf is acting in the toddler's best interests he can't ignore her wishes and feelings.

Op I have only read your first post.

I would go to Relate or Mind to disucess this with a thrid party present. Its a huge fright but it is an accident and your gf needs to come to terms with this and you need to understand where she is coming from and you can only do this thru talking to your gf.

Then you need to agree that a relationship between your child and his grandparents is important. Form a plan to move forward and find a way how your mum can reassure your gf and rebuild the trust and their relationship. Your mum needs to be willing to work at rebuilding that trust by supervised visits to start, then unsupervised in your home then baby proof her home and invite child and gf around and build up the time slowly till gf feels happy to leave her child with your mum.

This may also be the begining of a stong relationship between your gf and mum but it will take time. The event has total shook your gf trust and confidence in someone she do not know very well and feels unable to communicate with effectively.

I think the GF does need to relax a bit and let the OP look after his own son and be allowed to take his own son to see his mum if he so wishes. Accidents happen, even careless one. And yes, of course the GF is shook up about it. But she is over reacting - and she needs to calm down a bit. Hopeful with time she will.

Yes, it was a nasty shock and the accident had a nasty resut. But it was still an accident.

I also wonder if the GF would be reacting in this way if it was her own mum who had the accident with the baby. Or if it had been the OP, or even herself?

She trumps his mother but it's OP wanting to take the child out, it's kind if like saying no I don't trust you to keep him safe.

When did I say it was abhorrent Jessie?

Come on now.

www.rospa.com/homesafety/adviceandinformation/childsafety/accidents-to-children.aspx

From the ROSPA website: 'Accidents to Children

Keep medicines and chemicals out of sight and reach of children, preferably in a locked cupboard.
Accidental injuries are a major health problem throughout the United Kingdom. They are the most common cause of death in children over one year of age. Every year they leave many thousands permanently disabled or disfigured.

More than one million children under the age of 15 experience accidents in and around the home every year, for which they are taken to accident and emergency units. Many more are treated by GPs and by parents and carers.

Those most at risk from a home accident are the 0-4 years age group. Falls account for the majority of non-fatal accidents while the highest number of deaths are due to fire. "Most of these accidents are preventable through increased awareness, improvements in the home environment and greater product safety.*

Amazed so many posters still don't make a distinction between 'unavoidable accident' and 'preventable accident' if reasonable precautions had been taken.

.
If they have a small kitchen I can see easily how it happened, She take him intiothe kitcjen to get him a juice or whatever (maybe not wanting to leave him out of sight)and he suddenly lunges for the kettle.The MIL might no even have known the kettle was hot if it had been her DH that had made himself a cuppa.
The MIL has successfully raised at least one child to adulthood, while the GF has been a mother how long?
The OP can take his own DC wherever he wants! It is as much his DC as hers. The GF is riding for a fall and I hope the OP rubs her nose in it good and proper when your DC has an avoidable accident in her care!

LittleThorin sorry, didn't mean to imply you had. I meant the OP's apparent attitude to this matter.

Apparently, given the thread's creation, compromise with his girlfriend is unacceptable (or possibly unasseptable). I don't see why.

So what, her feelings and concerns should be put to the side to allow OP to take their child somewhere she isn't comfortable with at the moment?

Again, I will say she has offered a compromise that really should suit everyone. If OPs Mum doesn't want to do this then tough really. She has already compromised I do not think she should have to any further. What is wrong with his Mum going to their house??

Ah, I read the whole thing before replying.

I think your GF needs to accept it was an accident but sounds like there are other tensions between them and this accident may have pushed her too much.

Agree that you sound unhinged in your mumsnet attacking post, which is sad really as you sounded fairly level headed at the start.

My DiL is 24, she has not long had her first child and our first DGC, I would be totally devastated if this happened when I was looking after the baby/child and I would totally understand if she never wanted to see me again.
She must feel that she can never say sorry enough, and she can't.
The OP's GF has said his Mum can visit at their house where she feels safe, totally NOT U, in fact very R imo.
Accidents like this take such a long time to recover from, and I'm not just talking about the poor child and his burns, the OPs GF needs her BF to be on her side and to support her.
He doesn't have to be nasty to his Mum, just supportive of his partners feelings and needs and understanding that this might take a long time to put right.
Good luck to all of them

I think that this wasn't an accident, but carelessness. It's obvious that you don't hold a baby near a boiled / boiling kettle like that. Christ, I won't even have hot drinks in the front room unless they are held by the drinker at all times. (I'm not a drinker of hot drinks, and it seems like such an obvious risk to me). It wouldn't matter to me whether it was my MIL, my Mum, a childminder, a member of staff in a preschool or crèche, a Nanny, or the bloody queen. If somebody had caused that level of injury to one of my DC's through carelessness, they'd be in a fucking body bag. They certainly wouldn't be in the same ROOM as my DC's without me present. And in fact, that's one of the reasons my Mum doesn't have unsupervised access to my DS3 when my MIL does. Because I can trust my MIL to be aware and wary of what he eats and touches (he has multiple life threatening allergies), yet I can't trust my own Mother to do the same.

(And quite a few of you know how badly my awful MIL and I get on, so it's not as if we have a good relationship, but I still trust her to keep my DS3 safe when I don't trust my own mother.)

So no, it has fuck all to do with hating MIL's, and everything yo do with protecting your DC's, and only leaving them with people that you know will do the same.

Sorry to blow the Mum / MIL comparison out of the water.

Ok Jessie!

This thread is getting too heated for me and I am typing with only one contact lens in.

I agree with what skully is saying down below. Seems very sensible advice.

I think there is nothing wrong with meeting at the house in the shorter term, over the longer term as his dad he needs to be trusted to keep him safe (as much as you can)

It's a real shite situation for all involved.

What happened to the other one? Can you not have it in that eye, or has the lens itself disappeared somewhere?

This sort of emotional response is what leads to family breakdowns and the kind of threads where 30 yo's bemoan not knowing their dad, GPs, whole sides of family etc and express their sadness, hang ups, bitterness & regrets

Is there not an adult conversation to be had here between the lot of you grown ups where reflection takes place, lessons are learned, sorrys are said and a way forward agreed?

I take it you all love the little chap? Surely it's his future emotional and physical well being that is most important here. Warring family is not a good start in life. Set him a good example and teach him some patience, forgiveness, give and take, tolerance and love. All of you.

It's in my eye but everything is blurry unless I shut one then I feel dizzy,

And the toddler ripped the arms off my glasses.

Meh! Why am I worrying about other peoples problems I am going for a

None of us are ever going to agree

I don't think that the GF sounds controlling at all. Both parents have equal rights over decisions concerning their child - however, if one parent is unhappy about something then they can say no surely. I would never make a decision about one of our children which would cause my husband distress, it's called a partnership.

There is a lot of confusion on this thread about what is an accident and what is carelessness. My DD rolled off a low bed when she was one and broke her collar bone. I was tired, had a migraine and was careless. yes it was an accident but it was one that was preventable, and it was MY fault.

"The MIL has successfully raised at least one child to adulthood, while the GF has been a mother how long?"

I don't think the last part of this is necessary. The GF has been a mother for 18 months and has managed not to scald their son during that time. The benchmark of good motherhood doesn't increase by each day you do it and manage not to kill your child.

The GF has had a terrible shock and could be dealing with the repercussions of their sons injury for months and years to come if the injury is as terrible as the one Keema described. And I mean dealing with it in the most graphic and hands on way, if she's going to be the main one changing dressings while their child screams in pain. Doing that even once sounds horrific for all concerned and Keema my heart went out to you and your child when you described having to do that.

Ten weeks to come to terms with a shocking, severe injury is nothing, especially if she feels unsupported and attacked for wanting to stay with their son all the time. It doesn't have to be about punishing MIL or not trusting the OP with their child.

It could be about the unrelenting and irrational but no less real fear of what might happen to him while he is out of her sight and guilt that she wasn't with him when he needed her.

And I'm sure she realises this is irrational and that something could still happen while she is by his side. But that still doesn't mean she will find it easy to relax, to let the fear go or to feel comfortable about him returning to the place he was injured without her.

OP if your girlfriend is as strong willed as you say, pushing her and fighting her are not going to help. It may be that you and your mother have to give her more time to calm down and come to terms with what has happened. Because what happens when you push someone is that they take a step back, and then another and another, and nobody gains any ground. I'm not saying I agree with her, but you and she, as the child's parents, need to talk about this properly between the two of you and not in terms of what your mother wants or feels.

MIL managing to raise someone to adulthood is neither here or there by the way. The criteria for being a good parent doesn't begin and end with how old your child is and if OP's mum is a better mother than OP's girlfriend it's not because she started 30 years earlier than the girlfriend did. By that reckoning, I must be a terrible mother to DS since my two other children are dead.

I am absolutely on the side of the OPs GF here. If it were my own mother I would be a long while in allowing her unsupervised access. If it was MIL and DP was poo-pooing my concerns, I would be a long time trusting HIM to supervise child while with his MIL too! All those 'what ifs' going through her mind. It is not about her punishing, hating, not forgiving the GM. It is about fear, anxiety, earning trust by showing you are responsible.

What a terrifying shock you all had, and thank goodness the injury was not worse. I am sure OPs mum feels awful. But I don't buy the "it was an accident" business. Some accidents are obvious risks and you do everything in your power to avoid them. Others really are freak unforeseeable accidents. This accident should never have happened and the GF is terrified that both her DP and his DMs risk assessment is not up to scratch to prevent something equally awful happening again. This is normal reaction of a parent.

OP comes across as always siding with his mum, you can just see him rolling his eyes to her about things GF says/thinks/wants.

OK, so you may not see eye to eye with the mother of your child on everything - but you talk, resolve, compromise - you do not publicly side with someone else and poo-poo your partners major concerns.

I bet this thread would be different if OP was a woman.