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Original poster

Scalded son, mother punishing grandparent, is this reasonable?

740 replies

vr6lee · 09/01/2014 09:50

My mother had an accident with my son, to cut a long story short the kettle ended up being pulled from the worktop by my son while in her arms, this ended up scalding the bottom of his leg and top of his foot ending in a skin graft.
My mother is devastated and has really struggled with whats happened. But my girlfriend is not helping at all. She has said she doesn't want her near my son again and will never look after him again. I have talked her round and my mun has been able to see my son a few times. There is tension between my girlfriend and my mother now so I have offered to take my son up to my mothers so she can see him as she really does love him to bits. But my girlfriend has poo poo'ed this and says the only way she is seeing him is at our house when she is present.
I think this is undermining me as a father as I have said I would be present at all times just to ease her mind, but I can now only come to one conclusion and that she is doing this to punish my mother by making it as difficult as possible for her to see her grandson.

My question to other mothers is do you think this is fair behavior or is she being very harsh.

Thanks in advance for any opinions.

Lee

OP posts:
SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 13:59

I actually kicked my son in the face by accident. His nose was bleeding and he had to go to his dads. Should his dad not have brought him home? Or is it ok because I'm the mother?

LouiseAderyn · 09/01/2014 14:00

That's fine sp if the person giving the sweets or ballsing up the sleep routines is the same person who will then get up in the middle of the night or deal with the tantrums at mealtimes because the child would rather have sweets than dinner.

If not then they shouldn't undermine the choices of the person who will be doing so

LtEveDallas · 09/01/2014 14:01

Mine has too Fortheloveofsocks. She needed 4 stitches in her face and is permanently scarred....I blame NO-ONE. It was an accident.

(see this is what happens when we start to allow the 'where there's blame there's a claim' culture to take over. FFS, does blaming someone for an accident make the injury go away quicker? Does it make it hurt less? What is the bloody point of blame?)

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 09/01/2014 14:01

That's completly different than holding a hold near a dangerous appliance SP

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 14:02

No the person who is letting my son have sweets and stay up are his grandparents and uncles.

Sweets are not crack.

I'd rather my son had a relationship with his family then worry over shite that doesn't matter. Having sweets once wont make a child only want sweets forever.

My son has managed for 4 years.

I'm glad noone in RL is like this.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 14:04

For I uses to male his bottles while.he was in my arms, make cuppas etc.

Family members have also done the same.

The other month I had my brother in my arms and I was stirring dinner and he put his hand on the pan. Mum didn't kick off and refuse to let me near him again. She let me deal with him and sort him out BECAUSE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

Just like when stepdad through my son up in the air and he banged his head off the ceiling and we had to take him to hospital for concussion.

TheBigJessie · 09/01/2014 14:04

And for god's sake all this everyone hates men's mothers stuff. If a man posted to say his wife's mother had caused his son to need skin grafts, I'd think this hypothetical male human being was allowed to be bloody terrified that his son would be injured again.

Emotions? You know, people have them? You may think you're a biological Commander Data... I fucking bet that if this happened to your child, you wouldn't be.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 14:05

Threw**

IamGluezilla · 09/01/2014 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LouiseAderyn · 09/01/2014 14:07

But its not once is it? If it happens every time you see gps and you see them frequently.

I agree that sweets are not crack, but some kids react badly to them ( my friends dd cannot have skittles for ex) or have weak teeth. Even if the child is not affected by them the mum has said no and seemingly for the good reason of wanting him to eat proper food first and gps should respect that and not take the view that they can just do it anyway

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 14:07

Well I will be sure to let my mother now what her sweet giving really means. There's me thinking she's just treating her grandchild.

Its all good as I give my siblings them too.

HeeHiles · 09/01/2014 14:09

No one thinks sweets are crack, but they are a (very passive aggressive) way of undermining a mother and letting her know you don't respect her.

Passive aggressive? I'd call it spoiling your Grandchildren - it's what GP's are for!

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 09/01/2014 14:10

Lt in my case it was the irresponsible choice of my mother that led to my DD being injured. God know what else could have happened.

My story is my mother has a life long history of mental health issues. She was looking after my not quite 1yo DD. She left the brake off the pram and it rolled into the road and tipped over. Luckily she wasn't hurt much and no cars were coming.

Now, I know that in itself isn't the worse thing in the world. But it turns out she had stopped taking medication for her illness because she felt she no longer needed it, despite being ill for the past 40 years and being told by several psychiatrists she will need to be on meds for life.

Now, when she doesn't take her meds, it makes her paranoid and she believes she is being watched, everyone is conspiring against her etc. it also causes her concentration to lapse quite regularly.

She never told anyone she had stopped taking them. Now because she looked after my DD, she should have told me what she had done. But no, she didn't. We only found out several months later when she was sectioned.

So anything could have happened when she was in sole charge of my DD.

ukatlast · 09/01/2014 14:11

Quote Curlew:'I repeat. I shut my baby's hand in the car door and broke his finger. Would my Dp have been justified in saying I could never look after him alone again?Interesting that all the gf supporters have studiously ignored this post of mine. Too difficult for them to think about?'

It's not really the same. For one thing a broken finger does not scar the child for life.

You have to shut a car door at some point if you wish to transport child in car with you, you don't have to have a baby/toddler near boiling water - I had safety gates on my kitchen doorway even though kitchen was also child-proofed.

Thurlow · 09/01/2014 14:12

No one thinks sweets are crack, but they are a (very passive aggressive) way of undermining a mother and letting her know you don't respect her.

Confused

Or it's just a grandparent wanting to treat their grandchild?

HeeHiles · 09/01/2014 14:12

When I give my DD's to thier GP's I trust them to care for her in their own way - They raised me fine - and yes there were accidents along the way, there always will be, but I know they love their GC and if they do things differently to me, so what?

Inertia · 09/01/2014 14:12

TryDrawing is absolutely right. This isn't going to be helped by blame, or by you seeking out answers about how to get your girlfriend to give in to your mum's wishes OP. Between you all you need to figure out a way forward- and the needs and safety of your child trump your mother's desire to assuage her guilt, your girlfriend's animosity, or your apparent wish to be in charge of decision-making.

It's not your girlfriend's responsibility to help your mother get over her devastation, and your son is not some kind of comfort toy to help her with that. Your first responsibility is to help your son recover from this, and to ensure that his safety is your priority.

Accidents do happen in the sense that there was no action with the deliberate intention of harm behind it- however, lots of accidents can be avoided. It's fairly obvious that kettles and babies/toddlers should not be in close proximity.

I can totally understand how your girlfriend feels- for many parents, trusting anybody else to look after your baby is a big deal. Her child has been harmed, she wants to ensure he is safe, and the evidence unfortunately shows that he is less likely to be safe when in the care of your mother. I think it's reasonable to expect your mum to visit your son at your house when your girlfriend is present- getting over something like this takes time , and trust needs to be built back up. I would avoid facilitating a big row over this- just take things slowly.

LittleThorinOakenshield · 09/01/2014 14:14

I can understand her not wanting your mum to have him on her own for the foreseeable,

But not objecting to you taking him to her and staying there.

You need to work on her trusting you to do that, as it says to me she is not trusting you to supervise properly.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 14:14

UK my mum scarred me for life. After I had been run over.

Thurlow I have heard it all now

MoominsYonisAreScary · 09/01/2014 14:15

The thing is we dont have enough information.

If the mil has been asked to look after the child and has given him sweets when he hasnt finished his dinner, or if she was asked to look after the dc and got him up because he was crying and she didnt want to leave him then imo you have to suck it up for the free childcare.

If shes walking past the mother going upstairs and pickng him up or the mother is saying no sweats until dinner is eating and shes ignored and given them anyway its a different matter

Thurlow · 09/01/2014 14:18

SP, me to. I must remember to tell my MIL that next time she buys 6 bags of Organix crisps for DD's 3 hour visit at her house. How silly of me to think she was just excited to see her GD and wanted something to treat her with - all this time she has been passive agressively undermining me!

Tbh, that comment is almost as good as the one from a poster who thought the different levels of absorbancy on tampons related to the size of your fanjo Grin

ukatlast · 09/01/2014 14:19

Quote SPsMrLoverManSHABBA ' I have been hit by a car. I don't blame parents for it or causing more damage to me than the car

My nanna was making up the bottles for the baby and mu brother toddler in and pulled her arm and this caused her to knock the bottle off which poured over brothers arm. He was burnt and has the scar still now.

How is she been irresponsible there? Why would mum blame her for that?'

You seem to come from an accident-prone family precisely because unnecessary risks are taken.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 14:20

Grin at fanjo size tampon comment!

This is why people don't get on with MILs. They make up strange reasons behind behaviour!

When stepdad gives mu son a biscuit I'm going to slide in, shake my head, wag and finger and exclaime "na ah, I'm onto your passive aggressive treat giving"

Thurlow · 09/01/2014 14:20

ukatlast Shock that's a bit bloody personal, isn't it?!

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 14:21

What uneccesary risks were taken in those situations? I was 11 when I was rum over.

Nanna was making bottles for my sister and brother ran into kitchen to ask for something and grabbed her arm. What risk was she taking?

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