Scalded son, mother punishing grandparent, is this reasonable?

[vr6lee]

My mother had an accident with my son, to cut a long story short the kettle ended up being pulled from the worktop by my son while in her arms, this ended up scalding the bottom of his leg and top of his foot ending in a skin graft.
My mother is devastated and has really struggled with whats happened. But my girlfriend is not helping at all. She has said she doesn't want her near my son again and will never look after him again. I have talked her round and my mun has been able to see my son a few times. There is tension between my girlfriend and my mother now so I have offered to take my son up to my mothers so she can see him as she really does love him to bits. But my girlfriend has poo poo'ed this and says the only way she is seeing him is at our house when she is present.
I think this is undermining me as a father as I have said I would be present at all times just to ease her mind, but I can now only come to one conclusion and that she is doing this to punish my mother by making it as difficult as possible for her to see her grandson.

My question to other mothers is do you think this is fair behavior or is she being very harsh.

Thanks in advance for any opinions.

Lee

OP you have really fucked me off. Your own DM was fucking irresponsible. Who the hell holds an 18 month old child and a kettle at the same time?? Are you for real??

And to put your parents feelings and house renovation before the safety of you child is pathetic.

And I speak from experience of my own DD being accidentally hurt by the stupid actions of my own mother, who no longer has sole access to my DD.

OP is there any chance that your gf's reluctance for you to take your son to your mother's house without her is because SHE is feeling guilty that he son was injured when she wasn't there.
FWIW I can see both sides but I think you are going to have to all work at rebuilding these relationships and things are not "just going to go back to normal" without some effort on all sides.

Feel so sorry for your mum OP and your son but sounds like he is making a good recovery.

I think you all need to sit down and talk this through - your mum and son deserve to see each other - My DD's GP's are always letting them stay up late and eat sweets - but my children know that's not how we do things at home!

Your GF has had a terrible shock and is lashing out - maybe give it a couple of weeks and approach the subject again?

Tell your mum she will be seeing her GS soon but be patient - you are in a difficult position because you love them both and want to make everyone happy and you seem to be trying your best.

Parenting styles are different for everyone but your mum seems to have a good job raising you - maybe you should point that out to your GF - we all do things differently - doesn't make them wrong - Good luck and I hope it all works out happily!

The child belongs to the couple equally.

I see lots of discussion here of who's in the right and who's in the wrong and what right who has to decide what and see whom.

It's all irrelevant crap.

There is a rift in your family. You will not heal it by assigning blame and laying down the law. The only way to heal it is to make both your girlfriend and your mum feel safe and valued by you and eventually by each other.

Neither of them are particularly in the wrong and I can see that that makes things tough for you. Your girlfriend is acting on instinct. Her son was injured. Your mum's quickest way back to seeing more of your son is to reassure your gf that nothing like that will ever happen again. And words are not enough for that sort of reassurrance. It takes time and patience.

It's not about what your gf "lets" you do with your son. It's about her not shitting herself the whole time her son is out of her sight because, in her gut, she can't quite trust that he's safe. She's not controlling, she's terrified. Don't overrule her, reassure her.

Someone upthread mentioned a first aid and safety in the home course. Why not see if you can convince your mum and gf to go to one together, whilst you take care of ds? They would have a chance to talk and your gf could see how seriously your mum takes it.

Tbh, if I let my mum ignore his wishes wrt the child he was primarily responsible for then I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't trust me to support him.

I never said dh couldn't offer opinions or that we didn't make decisions together about big issues but the basic day to day stuff was up to me.

If my husband wanted to bring my child to spend time with a woman whose negligence had caused him serious injury only weeks before, and if I knew that he would not supervise the child properly but allow the negligent woman to do whatever she chose, then he could divorce me before I'd let him take him there.

If you are the SAHM parent or similar then sure, it makes more sense to be making snap decisions on naps and food and the like. I did it when I was at home, DP does it now he's at home more.

That does not equal making all decisions and entirely laying the law down as regards what the other parent can or cannot do

DP tells me that DD has stopped sleeping in her pushchair and only naps in her cot. I can decide to complete ignore this, take her out all day and suffer the consequences if I want to. He's not going to then have a go at me and say I'm being irresponsible, or he can't trust me to take her out because she came home an over-tired mess and is difficult to put to bed.

That's no different from "you can't take her to your mums because you don't stop her feeding him sweets".

Who the hell holds an 18 month old child and a kettle at the same time?? Are you for real??

Once again, where does it say she was holding a kettle?!?!

Why do people make shit up? Or am I reading something completely different?

Double standards all over this thread.

I still don't understand why people respond to sweets like their child is been offered crack

Pictish

I kwym. I'm a sahm while dh works ft. That makes me the Queen of Fucking Everything. If he has the sheer cheek to offer an opinion about the kids, I smack him round the head with something heavy until he grovels for my forgiveness and promises to adhere to my rules fastidiously, before calling his mother up to tell her to fuck off just for the sake of it.

...then he could divorce me before I'd let him take him there

You don't get to "Let" him take his own child anywhere - you don't get a say in the matter - your view is no more valid than his. If he has PR, then he can do what he wants.

I'm loving this thread now - I'm the sole earner AND the primary caregiver - can't wait to tell my DH to fuck the fuck off

"DP tells me that DD has stopped sleeping in her pushchair and only naps in her cot. I can decide to complete ignore this, take her out all day and suffer the consequences if I want to."

But it wouldn't be you suffering the consequences, would it?

It would be your child.

And if your DP called your irresponsible for getting her into that state because you fancied it, he'd be right.

Just as he'd be right if he said you were irresponsible and negligent for holding a child while you used a kettle of boiling water.

"You don't get to "Let" him take his own child anywhere - you don't get a say in the matter - your view is no more valid than his. "

If my view is as valid as his, then OF COURSE I get a say in the matter.

Some people have talked about the renovations being an issue. Hopefully girlfriend wont mind her and her child living in a shithole when OPs dad refuses to help do up their house any more becasue of her attitude?

Presumably the op wants his baby to eat well and get into a good sleep routine but is doing nothing to facilitate this if he ignores what the gf is trying to establish. And he's making her life harder.

Children do belong to both parents equally but unless child care is split 50/50 then one person is going to be more 'in charge' or affected by changes to routines than the other.

I just think he should support the gfs efforts unless he is willing to do all the night shifts and take full responsibility for the baby's diet!

You get a say Joinyourplayfellows, but you don't get to forbid him from doing something when the child is in his care. You don't get to 'let' him, he is allowed to make his own decision.

When the child is in his lone care, he gets to decide.
When the child is in your lone care, you get to decide.

A lot of you are saying you wouldn't allow someone who had let your child get hurt like that near them again.

I assume then that should they ever break bones, be in a car crash, burn themselves or fall out of a tree in future while in your care that you will be the first ones to ring social services so they can come pick up your child? I mean, you wouldn't allow them to be around someone who let them get hurt, you said so yourselves.

Or maybe you wouldn't do that and would just say it was an accident? In which case, how is it justified to crucify one person for it and not another? After all, if your child is hurt in YOUR care surely it's worse because its your responsibility as a parent to protect that child, moreso than it is another family member - that's why you feel the ability to pick and choose who the child sees after all, while other family members can't do this

Food for thought. I'll just leave that here and be off because I think you're all silly

OP: YANBU.

SP have your DC ever been hurt accidental or not by the irresponsible actions of the person supposed to be looking after them?

The fact was she held a small child close enough to a boiling or just boiled kettle for them to grab. How is that not irresponsible??

Been given sweets and not sleeping dead on time is not going to harm a child. My son managed.

why would I try control other people when I wouldn't let them try it with me?

If my sons dad tried telling me what I could and couldn't do he would be told straight.

And if you divorced him he could take the children where ever he wanted and there would be nothing you could do about it, it was an accident!

And who says the op wouldnt supervise them or that hed let his mum do whatever she chose

For Yes my son has. Several times and strangely enough I don't act like a dick about it because they were accidents.

Walking around a kitchen with a child is irresponsible? I've done it. So what?

My brother was hoping my son while taking toast out of the toaster and my son touched the toast and he cried. I don't blame my brother. Son touched it and it was on purpose.

^You say your mother is devastated, how is she showing that?
Has she apologised to your GF profusely, taken responsibility for what happened and acknowledged why your partner is so protective now?
Or is she going down the 'FFS it was an accident' route?
Or having a melodramatic fit of the vapours because your GF is being so harsh and depriving her of her grandchild, even though your mother still has supervided access?
What is your relationship like with your GF, does she feel like you are a united team with your child's best interests at heart?^

Post above. Read it. It was good

Your child was seriously injured. Your girlfriend can't just switch off the terror she must feel about your child going around to MIL's again and the anguish she must have felt wasn't your child in pain! Trust isn't given to people. It's earned. Your mother has lost your girlfriend's trust. It doesn't matter whether you think she should trust your mother. That won't make her magically trust your mother again.

Was holding**

Fair enough SP, we will have to disagree on this one.