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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Scalded son, mother punishing grandparent, is this reasonable?

740 replies

vr6lee · 09/01/2014 09:50

My mother had an accident with my son, to cut a long story short the kettle ended up being pulled from the worktop by my son while in her arms, this ended up scalding the bottom of his leg and top of his foot ending in a skin graft.
My mother is devastated and has really struggled with whats happened. But my girlfriend is not helping at all. She has said she doesn't want her near my son again and will never look after him again. I have talked her round and my mun has been able to see my son a few times. There is tension between my girlfriend and my mother now so I have offered to take my son up to my mothers so she can see him as she really does love him to bits. But my girlfriend has poo poo'ed this and says the only way she is seeing him is at our house when she is present.
I think this is undermining me as a father as I have said I would be present at all times just to ease her mind, but I can now only come to one conclusion and that she is doing this to punish my mother by making it as difficult as possible for her to see her grandson.

My question to other mothers is do you think this is fair behavior or is she being very harsh.

Thanks in advance for any opinions.

Lee

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 09/01/2014 13:16

Your girlfriend is devastated at what has happened to her son but so is your mother and it was an accident. What would be more productive is if you both were to go to your mother's house and offer to baby proof for her. She might be glad of the help as it has been a while since she had a baby around and people do forget.

When my son had a fall and had to go to hospital my MIL made a dig about my parenting. Her son soon shut her up and reminded her of something that had happened to him as a child. 99% of parents will have a child who had an "avoidable accident" but the fact is it was an accident, she didn't tell him to pull the cord and you can not protect your children from everything.

I am so careful and worry yet I still have had to take all of my children to hospital in a panic. It is what happens when you have a child.

Your girlfriend has had a shock, your mum has too, but she can't be allowed to dictate everything from now on and she is actually punishing her child who probably still wants to see his Grandma.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 09/01/2014 13:16

He's eighteen months old, it happened ten weeks ago, and MIL has a history of clashing with her about parenting/childcare/discipline?

She is acting very naturally. Give her time.

diddl · 09/01/2014 13:16

And wrt the lie-depending on what it was/who it concerned, it may not have been MILs business & she might have confronted GF more with a view to showing her up?

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 13:16

Nigel I do believe that is a great minds x post Grin

SilverApples · 09/01/2014 13:18

I'm wanting all the 'Trust your instincts girlfriend, if you don't feel she's a safe person to leave your DS with, then she isn't' posters to turn up.
Trust has been broken, and it needs to be repaired, Which can be tricky and can take a while.

LtEveDallas · 09/01/2014 13:18

I feel very sorry for the OP and his mum.

"Then everything my mum did wrong was completely out of order, eg giving him sweets when he didn't finish his dinner "
I give my Dd a 'pudding' after her dinner whether she eats it all or not. Food should not be a battleground and should not be used as a punishment/reward. Plenty of parents do the same.

" get him out of cot if he cryed for a while without going to sleep "
My DD has never been left to cry or self settle. If she cried I went to her, I have never left her to cry and would be more likely to stop contact with someone who did leave her to cry, rather than someone who loved her so much she couldn't bear to see her upset.

OP this is your child too. If you want to take your child to your mums then take her. Your gf cannot stop you without a court order.

SomethingkindaOod · 09/01/2014 13:20

Sod it, I'm out. This thread is totally irrational. Most posters are determined to see only that the man and his mother are dangerous and are united against the girlfriend. As seems to be the norm on this site at the moment unless you are the mother then you are wrong and not to be trusted ever again.
The MIL made a huge mistake, the Gf is using this as a stick to beat her with and to stop her seeing her own grandson. He came here for advice and got a kicking. Even if this thread is a windup it's shown an awful lot of people in a piss poor light tbh.
OP, I hope you get sorted.
I'm gone.

Thurlow · 09/01/2014 13:22

The MN Hypocrisy.

I won't let my DH take my kids to his parents because they might undermind my decision on sweets etc

My DH doesn't do anything with the kids and can't make a decision about them to save his life

(Also often seen on the co-sleeping threads where the dad's opinion on bed sharing is generally considered irrelevant)

Anyone see the problem?

Discuss...

LurkingNineToFive · 09/01/2014 13:24

My MIL is exactly the same she undermines my parenting by continually giving food I do not allow, de railing sleep training, she constantly puts dd in situations I view as risky (like allowing her to be with the dog that has already bitten her or in a room unsupervised with a wood burner), doesn’t listen to a dam word I say and it has completely destroyed our relationship.
I cannot relax when she has dd because i get so worried about her safety and annoyed by the lack of respect. I do however always allow supervised contact because dp always backs me up even though he thinks I’m over the top. So I know I can at least trust him. You have not supported your partner so I can understand why she is feeling like she is.

CSIJanner · 09/01/2014 13:24

Sweets, diet etc aside...

YABU - 10 weeks is hardly anything at all and the skin graft is a constant reminder of the accident. Give your GF time. And read what DontMindIfIDo wrote because if the not supporting your GF to your mother on diet, picking up, spoiling etc, then you need to work on your GF trusting you whilst your with your son and mother.

As a seperate question, was the GF there when the accident happened or was it yourself, your son and your mum? If the latter, then there's a clear reason why your GF insists on being present.

ouryve · 09/01/2014 13:25

LtEve - at that age I didn't care what order mine ate their main course of dessert (if we were having it) in, but dessert tends to be fruit based in our house, or something like a yoghurt, which, even if sweet, has some nutritional value. Sweets, though? No way.

Hissy · 09/01/2014 13:26

I think it's high time that you ALL sat down as rational, sane, intelligent beings and TALKED about this.

Your GF has seen her baby hurt, your DM is mortified, so therefore there needs to be some dialogue/apology/forgiveness thing.

Your DM didn't hurt your son on purpose, and your GF has to see this, surely?

Stop allowing this situation to drag on. You are the one that can reunite this family, so do it. Stop allowing the drama to continue. Take charge and insist it gets resolved.

Weller · 09/01/2014 13:28

Imagine if a man wrote I am the primary earner so I get to decide how money is spent, there would rightly be uproar about equals. Yet women can use primary carer I get to make the decisions and he has to fall in line and back me even when he does not agree or he is spineless, and some people actually agree.

LouiseAderyn · 09/01/2014 13:28

sp and nigel , the way I view it is that, as the primary carer of my dc it is my job to make decisions about sweets and bedtimes etc. If someone else constantly contradicts what I am trying to do, it makes my life harder. GPs go home and the other parent goes to work and it is the mum (usually) who is left to correct the bad habits.

So yes, if dh let his mum ignore my parenting choices ( or things we'd agreed together, but he didn't defend because he wanted an easier life) , then too right I wouldn't let him take the dc to his mum's.

By the same token, if I couldn't be relied upon to support him if he was primary carer or if I let my mum ignore the decisions we as a couple had previously agreed, then I would fully understand him wanting to be present at visits.

I do think that this being necessary doesn't bode well for the future of any relationship, though.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 13:30

Louise You aren't the only parent though. If a man said that it would be classed as controlling here.

Double standards are rife.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 09/01/2014 13:32

Give her a bit longer OP it only happened 10 weeks ago she (and the rest of you I'm sure) is probably still very shaken up.

I read all the way to the end of the thread as I did suspect you would update with a bit of a back story. Sounds like your GF felt undermined before now by your mum whether it was intended or not and this has added fuel to the fire and soured things further. I can identify with that as although I get on with my MIL very well now for the most part it has taken a long time.

I feel very sorry for your mum I really do, she must feel awful! But I also feel sorry for your GF and of course for you. horrible accident and think we've all been there: done something silly (for example) and then thought "what the hell was I thinking?!" Can I ask, how would your mum have felt if someone (her MIL or not) had exactly the same accident with you when you were a baby? Same background and everything? Would she be able to instantly go back to how things were? If I was you I'd appeal to her as a mother to give your GF some more time.

Thurlow · 09/01/2014 13:32

Louise, you've just illustrated my point perfectly.

Agree with SP, if a higher earning DH wanted to make all the sole financial decisions, there'd be uproar.

LouiseAderyn · 09/01/2014 13:32

Just to add, my dh left most parenting decisions and child care ultimately up to me. That being the case, I would expect him to not undermine them ( and tbf, he was supportive ).

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 13:35

I'm the main carer for my son but that doesn't mean his dads input is nothing.

Having a vagina doesn't automatically mean you are the one who makes decisions!

LouiseAderyn · 09/01/2014 13:36

As primary carer I didn't say ' this is none of your business'to dh. But he was at work all day so the choices fell to me.

I don't ring him up at work and tell him what to do or undermine him eith colleagues. Child care was my 'job' and if it didn't go well, it was my life that was primarily made harder.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 09/01/2014 13:38

So as the primary carer I have ultimate say over letting dp visit his parents with our son?

So as the sole earner does he have ultimate say over our finances? No way.

Im not keen on mil for a number of reasons but dp is perfectly within his rights to take the dcs to visit as long as ge is there to supervise.

And I am perfectly within my rights to spend what I like as long as the bills are paid

LouiseAderyn · 09/01/2014 13:38

Obviously we agreed on major decisions but things like food and sleep time and how that was handled were my choices.

If he was a sahp I would have supported him in how he wanted to do things and wouldn't have allowed my mum to just ignore him and do what she thought best.

pictish · 09/01/2014 13:38

Louise - I kwym. I'm a sahm while dh works ft. That makes me the Queen of Fucking Everything. If he has the sheer cheek to offer an opinion about the kids, I smack him round the head with something heavy until he grovels for my forgiveness and promises to adhere to my rules fastidiously, before calling his mother up to tell her to fuck off just for the sake of it.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 13:39

How would you feel if your partner said "you aren't going to your mums alone, cant trust you"

I know if my sons dad said that he would have got a huge fuck off. Just as I expect I'd have got if I had said it.

LouiseAderyn · 09/01/2014 13:41

Money belongs to the couple equally because in our house at least he needs my support in order yo do his job and I need his support in order to sah.

But how his does his job and organises his day is his business because it primarily affects the smoothness of his day.