Scalded son, mother punishing grandparent, is this reasonable?

[vr6lee]

My mother had an accident with my son, to cut a long story short the kettle ended up being pulled from the worktop by my son while in her arms, this ended up scalding the bottom of his leg and top of his foot ending in a skin graft.
My mother is devastated and has really struggled with whats happened. But my girlfriend is not helping at all. She has said she doesn't want her near my son again and will never look after him again. I have talked her round and my mun has been able to see my son a few times. There is tension between my girlfriend and my mother now so I have offered to take my son up to my mothers so she can see him as she really does love him to bits. But my girlfriend has poo poo'ed this and says the only way she is seeing him is at our house when she is present.
I think this is undermining me as a father as I have said I would be present at all times just to ease her mind, but I can now only come to one conclusion and that she is doing this to punish my mother by making it as difficult as possible for her to see her grandson.

My question to other mothers is do you think this is fair behavior or is she being very harsh.

Thanks in advance for any opinions.

Lee

Aha, so it's kind of as I suspected.

OP, you need to do some hard thinking here. You aren't a partner and a grown up man, you're still a son. Stay that way and your gf will move on without you.

Look at your OP. Describing your gf's actions as 'punishing' your mum- hmm no bias there! Bottom line appears to be that your mum undermines your gf's parenting and decisions, and you basically fail to support her. You essentially side with your mum. Why is it difficult for you to see that that's why she doesn't trust you to stick to her rules around your parents while she isn't there? She doesn't want your mum in charge of your son for obvious reasons, and based on your behaviour so far she considers that you being there makes NO difference as you'll let your mum do as she likes- whether it's carrying him out of the room into the kitchen again to bustle around or not. Aww, it's just what grandparents do!

Good grandparents don't undermine and interfere with parenting.

You would have a chance of building better relationships all round if you stopped to think that part of the reason they're currently poor is that you aren't sitting in the position you should be. If you were obviously, vocally, publicly 'a pair' with your gf, I suspect she wouldn't be so suspicious and pissed off with your parents...she wouldn't need to be, because you would be supporting her. Currently, she must feel better keeping you all at bay.

My brother is very easy-going and fond of my parents, anything for a quiet life. Affable to the extreme.
I never respected him more than when he phoned my parents up after a disastrous visit and calmly and firmly told my father that he should never speak to his DIL like that again if he wanted to continue being part of their family.
After a few weeks, all was well, but no one was ever in any doubt about DB's priorities after that.

'OP, he is YOUR SON TOO. Your GF does not actually have the deciding vote in everything to do with your son. If you want to take him to your mother's, take him. Time to stand up for yourself.'

As an aside, do boyfriends have the same rights as husbands?
I'm very out of date on that.

Well...the OP's latest post will undoubtedly stir the self righteous blood of the my-baby-my-rules-all-bow-down-to-me brigade won't it?

Sweets? Before dinner is finished? Unthinkable! Hang that outlaw granny for crimes against the Queen of Fucking Everything, at once. What an utter abomination!

My mum used to do that by the way - I didn't give a shit - but then, I have some perspective, and liked to turn a blind eye to her shennanigans, considering their relationship as being of more import than my desire dictate.
My mil rebelled in other ways though - I couldn't care less.

I still wonder if we're being had tbh.

I just want to get things back to normal(ish), I'm not saying let my mother babysit by any means, just let her see him with my supervision without giving me grief

I think that is a perfectly reasonable request, and it does sound to me like your girlfriend is simply 'punishing' your mother for slights both perceived and real.

OP, are you on your sons birth certificate? Do you have Parental Responsibility? If no, get that sorted and NOW. You don't know what this may lead to.

desire to dictate

I think you GF is not being unreasonable ...just needs time for the trust to be rebuilt ...10 weeks isn't long - even though it was an accident -
I know it must be hard for you - and your mum must feel terrible too ...but completely understandable...and not a deliberate reaction...and also the undermining can't help - you really need to try and put a stop to that ...
My DP worked long hours and wasn't around much when DD1 was really little ..so hadn't developed the habit of seeing possible danger everywhere (your mum will have had this too -but maybe it is a bit rusty)
One day he was drinking soup from a cup - he put it down on a low coffee table in the living room (too hot to drink!) and walked off....DD1 - around 18 months - tried to pick it up and split it down her front...I saw her do it but not quick enough to stop her ...I grabbed her, ripped her (pink - I remember it so vividly) babygrow off her and threw her into the kitchen sink under the cold tap...luckily because it was thick (homemade lentil) and away from her skin so fast she didn't get burned (tea may have been a different story) - she was more hurt, upset and shocked by my reaction ...(and DP was upset too - really angry with himself etc he would never have forgiven himself etc)

After that I couldn't comfortably leave her alone with DP (her own father!) for ages...in lots of ways I felt bad for feeling like that and how that would have made him feel - but I just couldn't ...I realised that he just wasn't aware enough - eventually I did relax ...but until they were older I was still a bit wary ...
About a year later DD also once almost fell out of an upstairs window - that DP had left wide open (to be fair she normally couldn't reach but redecorating meant there was a sofa underneath and she could) I had spotted them a minute before - on my way downstairs - and intend to close them when I went back up - instead found DD hanging out

I know accidents happen but you have to try and be aware too - to be able to spot the dangers... and be confident someone looking after DC will...

'there by the grace' is exactly what my mum said about the window...you can only do what you can do ... one of my DB had a ride on tractor, the drive was on a slope ...someone (postman?) must have been and left the gate open. DB rode his tractor down the slope and straight across the main road at the bottom - luckily nothing was coming.... And she had just read a story where a 6 yo had been found dead by her mother she had caught her head in the strap of her school bag hanging up in her bedroom ...her mum had thought she was safe playing in there
In retrospect both could have been prevented ...but both things you wouldn't obviously think about ...hot drinks/kettles are pretty well know hazards...

I expect she is taking the opportunity to exclude someone she is not frankly very fond of. Not nice, but quite a temptation. Especially if your mum has made a habit of not respecting your GF's status as mother of this child, and you have supported this.

In your shoes I would advise your mum to have a bit of patience. Go along with your GFs rules on access for a while. Show that she is shocked and sorry for the accident. Stop doing all the little annoying things that she is doing with the sweets etc, because actually they do show a lack of respect. Your mum has had her kids, its not her turn any more to set the rules.

If your mum could show your GF how sorry she is, and make a point of respecting the rules of your family, there's a good chance it will all blow over in six months or so.

And at that point you can quietly let things get back to normal.

Pic My mums the same. I don't care, what's a few sweets really?

We are been had.

Though it probes that people still think MILs are evil and fathers are not as good as mothers and therefore can be undermined.

Mothers know best, do they fuck.

I don't know pictish I'm inclined to believe that the OP is quite a youngish Dad caught in between both families and trying (and failing) to keep people from each other's throats here.. Not sure why I think young in all honesty.

Something - he is very quick to dismiss his GF's wishes as "petty".

Nothing petty about not wanting an 18 month old to be given sweets instead of a proper meal. 18 month old children do not even need sweets. GF is probably trying to encourage the boy to eat well, but as soon as he's with grandma, he learns that if he refuses his food, he'll get something more interesting as a reward. Not a good precedent to set. But, oh no, OP thinks his GF is just being petty for not wanting this to happen. He thinks she is coming between him and his parents. It also comes across that he hasn't forgiven his GF for whatever the lies were supposed to have been.

Nothing about the OP's posts tells me they'll be enjoying a happy old age together (or middle age, for that matter). He has no respect for her and I'm guessing that she's constantly exasperated by him and his mother.

As an aside, do boyfriends have the same rights as husbands?
I'm very out of date on that

He's the child's father and I presume has shared parental responsibility for him. Immaterial whether they are married.

OP, if I tried this sort of rubbish with my MIL I would, rightly, be heading for divorce. Just because DH married me does not mean that he loses all right to disagree with me and agree with his mother. My DH would be devastated if I prevented MIL seeing DD because she had had charge of her when an accident occurred. Except that would never happen because that sort of behaviour would never occur to me.

No wonder some people on here have difficult relationships with their MILs. They seem to hold them in the lowest possible contempt

Has your partner accessed any counselling? Maybe she and your mother could benefit from some guided communication, for the sake of family harmony.

It's quite traumatic if your child is hurt in a careless accidant caused by someone else.

It does sound like your partner is using this to avoid contact with your mother, because of other unresolved issues.

I hope that she can find away through this, so everyone sake, especially your child's,

Would your partner like never to have contact with your mother, or would she like to be in a good relationship with her, you need to ask what she would like the end result to be, and really listen to the answer, then do the tiny steps that gets you all to that place where you are all happy.

and give it time, often if you stop pushing, people stop resisting.

It's only been 10 weeks?!?! Far too soon to expect her to be over it! As a guide, she's probably not going to relax when your DS is around your parents for 6months, if ever.

If you think it's important your mum sees your DS without your GF around, then try suggesting meeting up with your parents away from your parents house and yours, somewhere completely safe for DS, so park, soft play etc. Not in a home enviroment.

However, you need to accept you can't fix the relationship between your mum and your GF, your Mum needs to be the one doing that. It will take a lot of effort on her behalf to show that she's sorry, that she's aware of dangers, and she will have to demonstrate that around your GF, so for now, perhaps the next couple of months or so, accept if your mum wants to see DS she goes to your house and just accepts your GF isn't happy with her.

Long term, your Mum seeing your DS without your GF isn't a solution. That's just going to tear your family apart and entrench the ill feeling, I can see for you you want to minimise the upset, but that's just sidestepping it, not actually fixing it. Your mum and your GF need to sort out their differences, that will take your GF getting over her (perfectly valid) upset at your DS's injury, your mum making clearly heartfelt apologies, and your mum showing your GF that she can be trusted to safe guard DS and making an effort not to undermine your GF's parenting of DS.

Agree SP.
Threads like this just make me want to kick something.

^As an aside, do boyfriends have the same rights as husbands?
I'm very out of date on that^

SilverApples if you are talking about parental rights, then whoever is on the birth certificate has parental responsibilities. It doesn't matter if they are married or not.

Oh gosh OP, you have my sympathy! Nothing helpful to add to what's already been said. I hope that, with time, this awful accident will fade in everyone's memories. Your poor little boy - glad to hear he is recovering well.

Thank you, I wasn't being sarky about not knowing. My baby is almost 19 and the laws have changed over the years.

I feel sorry for your mum - I am sure she is devastated. However, I would not let my husband take my kids to his mother's on his own, if I couldn't rely on them both not to undermine me wrt sweets etc.

Presumably your gf is the primary carer of your ds and if that is the case then you ought to support her in establishing routines etc. If you undermine that ( or allow your mum to) then it's your gf life that is made harder.

I would say that you and gf need to talk properly about how to raise your ds and your opinions should be yours and not your mothers. Then you need to present a united front to your mum
Once your gf trusts you to support her and not just go for an easy life, I think she will eventually relax a bit more about you visiting your mum with the baby. At the moment she can't rely on you and her overwhelming instinct is to keep her child with her, where she knows he will be safe.

You can't rush this just because you want an easier life. Your mum has not helped herself by undermining your gfs parenting in the first place and that's before you get into the whole accident thing.

It read to me that it the whole sweets/picking up thing that was petty, as in they were just small things not huge issues rather than his GF's wishes.
Many MIL threads on here have small petty issues that get blown up out of proportion.
The lie bit depends on what it was really, the gf doesn't like his Mum, it must be obvious to him as he has commented on it. It would appear to stem from this lie and her being caught out and confronted with it.

Oh and OP, when your mum was undermining your GF's decisions with the sweets, picking him up when she'd said not to, what did you do? Did you passively step away and make it be between your GF and your mum or did you back your GF up and tell your mum no? Because if it's the former, then I can see that when faced with a situation where your mum wants to do something that goes against what you and your GF have agreed as the way to raise your DS, you defer to your mum's decisions and let her do what she wants, your GF might not trust if you were there and she wasn't, you would step in and stop your mum doing something that seemed unsafe.

If you have a track record of not standing up to your mum when it comes to DS, you can see why your GF doesn't believe you now if you say you'll keep DS safe in their house without her there.

SP - I think it depends on the relationship with the GP though. If you get on well with the GPs and it is only small things that don't bother you, great. But if you have big differences of opinion on parenting and someone keeps undermining/questioning your parenting in front of the child, that's not going to work long-term and best addressedsoonwer than later.

I'm not sure it's necessarily that mums know best, but often that they do the bulk of the childcare & it can be annoying when someone disregards what you do.

OP, I do think it would be helpful if your mum went to your GFs though.

After all, how will things improve between your mum & gf otherwise?

Pic Or someone

However, I would not let my husband take my kids to his mother's on his own, if I couldn't rely on them both not to undermine me wrt sweets

You wouldn't let him?! Its fucking sweets not crack.

If a man said he wouldn't let his partner go to her parents alone as he couldn't trust them not to give kids sweets he would be called all sort and controlling!

However, I would not let my husband take my kids to his mother's on his own if I couldn't rely on them both not to undermine me wrt sweets etc

Are you kidding ? I cannot imagine a post on MN which said "DH won't allow me to take my children to my mother's house because he doesn't trust me not to stick to his rules, which I don't agree with" ???? MN would be up in arms.