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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu with mil

126 replies

BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 15:21

Very long story cut quite short! My mil calls and speaks to my dh almost everyday, gets offended if he doesn't answer and sulks if she is told there is no need to call everyday! She'll then forget the whole conversation and start calling again everyday after a week. My dh doesn't really mind (mummys boy) but it's really getting to me, she wants constant info on what we're doing when and where etc etc
During pregnancy she knew all of my appointments, all the nitty gritty of any ladies problems I had after (told to her by dh)
My ds is now 9 months old and I don't like how she judges my parenting, just little things, feeding technique, napping routine etc etc!
Main problem is it's causing me and dh to argue he doesn't want to hurt his dm's feelings but quite happy to hurt mine it seems, aibu to tell him to tell her to back off?

OP posts:
smallandimperfectlyformed · 07/01/2014 15:23

I don't really understand why you don't want him talking to his mum everyday - maybe she's lonely? Yes, she shouldn't be judging you but perhaps she is just interested in your lives. How often do you speak to your mum?

EyesCrossedLegsAkimbo · 07/01/2014 15:26

My DH has a relative who thinks they should know every detail of our lives. It ended when I told him I would dish the fake dirt on him. That every time he told them something I thought inappropriate, I would say something along the line of him having a massive pus filled spot on his dick arse.

ebwy · 07/01/2014 15:27

WJust tell him to not discuss your private issues. I think it's lovely for q man to be close to his mum as long as he knows what not to tell her! But I'm afraid criticism of your parenting choices between when she had kids and now is an universal thing, just calmly tell her that everything's changes now, when I was a baby I was put down to sleep on my front because that's what they were told was safer!

ebwy · 07/01/2014 15:27

WJust tell him to not discuss your private issues. I think it's lovely for q man to be close to his mum as long as he knows what not to tell her! But I'm afraid criticism of your parenting choices between when she had kids and now is an universal thing, just calmly tell her that everything's changes now, when I was a baby I was put down to sleep on my front because that's what they were told was safer!

JeanSeberg · 07/01/2014 15:27

She'll then forget the whole conversation

Is she starting to show signs of memory problems?

ebwy · 07/01/2014 15:29

Sorry four the multiple posts and typos... Using phone to badly post!

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 15:29

She has 3 other sons and 2 daughters and doesn't speak to them everyday though
I'm a very private person and do not see why she should know what we're doing everyday. I speak to my dm about twice a week.
She asks my dh if my nipples are still sore, if I'm still wearing maternity pads, if we're back to having sex yet??? Surely this is none of her business?

OP posts:
Morgause · 07/01/2014 15:29

YABU to think he shouldn't talk to his mum every day if he's happy to do so. He shouldn't talk about your personal stuff though.

You sound a bit of a nightmare DiL to be honest, if he's happy to talk to her it's none of your business really.

EyesCrossedLegsAkimbo · 07/01/2014 15:32

Shock Bloody hell! Even my DH would have put a stop to that line of questioning!

ebwy · 07/01/2014 15:32

No, and I think he should say " to be honest Mam, you'd have to talk to her about that, it's not my business to be sharing that!" then change the subject

JeanSeberg · 07/01/2014 15:34
  1. Slate the MIL
  2. Call the man a 'mummy's boy' for being happy to speak to her every day.

Anything else?

Mizza76 · 07/01/2014 15:37

Memory problems plus unhealthy interest in your (=her own son's) sex life and your body. Is this a recent development or was she always like this?

TooTryHard · 07/01/2014 15:38

It's nice they talk everyday but those questions are not on.
As usual your dh is the problem for answering.

Madmammy83 · 07/01/2014 15:38

You shouldn't be mad at her, she is the way she is and won't change at this stage. She is obviously just very interested in her son's life, which is normal. If you're unhappy with the level of information she's getting, you should have a chat with your DH (and by chat I mean discussion, not "stop telling your bloody mother everything"). He's the one who is oversharing. My own DH would be guilty of that - he told his mother when I was 5 weeks pregnant and we'd promised not to tell anyone. I was LIVID. I can't identify because I don't have a great relationship with my mother anymore - I tell her very, very little. I can't see the harm in your MIL knowing about appointments etc though. You've two seperate issues - him oversharing and her judging you. My own MIL is always dishing out "advice" but I pass no remarks. Sometimes I'm fit to kill her but I try and bite my tongue - it's not as if she's going to take the kids off me and do her own thing anyway. If it annoys you that much just say "thanks so much for your advice but I actually find this way works really well for us". Don't stir trouble where there is none.

DameDeepRedBetty · 07/01/2014 15:39

I wouldn't dream of telling my own mother whether or not I was having sex let alone allow dp to tell his!

You can't stop your mil ringing your dh every day. You can stop him oversharing your private life.

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 15:40

I know it could sound as though I'm being controlling but she is so critical of everything we do, say, buy, eat, everywhere we go its endless,, why are we going there? Why have we bought that, I feel like taking the phone off him and saying what the hell has it got to do with you! Seriously tho what has it got to do with her??
I see it as interfering my dh sees it as interested.

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selfdestructivelady · 07/01/2014 15:40

Yanbu about the telling of personal stuff but YAbu about his mum calling everyday.

misskatamari · 07/01/2014 15:40

YANBU - I don't understand those who think you are. Of course it's fine to speak to his mum every day if he so chooses but no way should DH be sharing personal details with her! You've every right to be upset. DH definitely needs to understand that there need to be some boundaries and should not be sharing things that you don't want him to with mil.

NaturalBaby · 07/01/2014 15:43

My DH wouldn't know the answers to any of those questions! Or my mum, let alone my MIL.
Have a conversation with your DH about how he's making you feel by disrespecting your wishes. Talking to his mother every day isn't the problem, the intrusion on your privacy is.

You can't change your MIL so you have to work out how to be 10 steps ahead. How would she respond if you told her yourself/emailed/wrote a letter to explain how you feel about her knowing very personal things about yourself?

LtEveDallas · 07/01/2014 15:43

She asks my dh if my nipples are still sore, if I'm still wearing maternity pads, if we're back to having sex yet??? Surely this is none of her business?

Nipples? No mum, we found that covering them in ice-cream and licking it off did wonders for their softness.
Maternity pads? No mum, she's back to her crotchless panties now
Sex? 4 times a week mum and twice down the local dogging spot on Sundays

Or ask DH to ask her how badly she suffered during the menopause, or if she is having any continence problems as she is getting older (if he won't ask him why its OK to talk about your problems but not hers)

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 15:44

Eg when we first moved in together and we were all happy and excited on the first night in our new home she text ME and said I feel like I've lost my son! No congratulations or happy for you or enjoy your new home!
She has been this way since he moved out the family home.
I feel like I'm living with her and her ds :(

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donttellalfred · 07/01/2014 15:45

I think you have two issues here - 1, frequency of calls and 2, inquisitiveness from your MIL/ over sharing from your DH. The first issue I wouldn't have a problem with - I speak to my mum every day usually. But the second is completely unacceptable! I think you need to make it clear to your DH that it's not on to share personal information and that you're uncomfortable with her knowing every private detail. Then I would just try to ignore her criticism as much as you can manage to. Is she lonely?

YouTheCat · 07/01/2014 15:50

He really shouldn't be sharing your private information with his mum - that is nothing to do with her.

I suggest he screens calls if he doesn't want to speak to her everyday.

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 15:54

I can't see how she would be lonely - she has a housefull to be honest!
It just makes me see dh in a 'mummys boy' light.
She will call and call and call until he answers which makes is think there's a problem then when he answers it'll be "are you watching corrie?"
If my dh is brief with her she will go on a sulk and then dh gets worried he's upset her

OP posts:
Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 15:57

Another eg if she calls and we're at a party, social gathering, out for a meal and dh's tells her this she won't be polite and say I'll call later to talk she will carry on the conversation for 20 minutes.
He is half the problem tbh but he can't see my point

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