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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu with mil

126 replies

BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 15:21

Very long story cut quite short! My mil calls and speaks to my dh almost everyday, gets offended if he doesn't answer and sulks if she is told there is no need to call everyday! She'll then forget the whole conversation and start calling again everyday after a week. My dh doesn't really mind (mummys boy) but it's really getting to me, she wants constant info on what we're doing when and where etc etc
During pregnancy she knew all of my appointments, all the nitty gritty of any ladies problems I had after (told to her by dh)
My ds is now 9 months old and I don't like how she judges my parenting, just little things, feeding technique, napping routine etc etc!
Main problem is it's causing me and dh to argue he doesn't want to hurt his dm's feelings but quite happy to hurt mine it seems, aibu to tell him to tell her to back off?

OP posts:

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 21:09

Turnaroundbrighteyes: did it affect your sex life that much? Surely the best thing would be for your DH to ring his mum so he chooses the time rather than her. If she is getting worried, he can just explain he is sorting DD out

JapaneseMargaret · 07/01/2014 21:16

I love the suggestion upthread of asking your DH to enquire after her health and issues?

Why is she suddenly so forgettful? Does she maybe have early onset Alzheimer's? Has she started the menopause yet? How is it working out for her? How are her hormones? Etc, etc.

I bet he doesn't actually ask her any of those questions because they're so bloody rude and intrusive.

Keep asking them of him, though. And then keep enquiring why he won't ask her. See what he says.

YASNBU.

Tinkertaylor1 · 07/01/2014 21:18

I second the posters who say its DH not MIL you have the issue with .

Honestly me and mil were practically arm wrestling when I first got with dh. Statements like " I will always be no.1 " in my boys life.. When we were alone.

You need to set your stall out with mil, set some boundaries (I'm fab at being PA and have an honest and frank conversation with his dh. She is HIS mother, you don't have to treat her like yours .

if you know it's her don't pick up , my mil will, call, text,Facebook and email us BOTH multiple times in the space of a couple of hours if she wants her ds.

My mil smashed her mobile when she threw it as I picked the phone up while he was driving.

Get this sorted now as this will fester away and you will end up being bullied.

speaks from bitter experience

turnaroundbrighteyes · 07/01/2014 21:19

Toomuchclutter, yes didn't realise straight away though that I just was never feeling in the mood as waiting for his mother to call - often around 11pm. He does call her frequently, but when she was calling every day he didn't feel the need to just didn't seem to see the point saying "oh can you call on Sunday instead, we're busy tomorrow" because she enjoyed calling him. She is lovely, but never seems to see any need for privacy or volunteers to babysit so we can go out and having to try educate her as she will quite happily ring on our anniversary or similar occasion to see how our meal out went not thinking she might be interrupting anything.

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 21:22

Turnaroundbrighteyes: your DH should ring her more then she is less likely to ring so late

Also your DH should tell her if he is unhappy with the late night calls

Original poster

BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 21:26

Toomuchclutter I wasn't looking for everyone to agree with me and slate my mil, I honestly wanted to know if this was the norm, if I was overreacting, or if I was not alone on this etc etc hence my post asking aibu, I do now see more clearly she is only acting like this coz my dh is allowing it!
And this is where I really become stuck, he will not talk about it anymore he says he's sick of it and I'm putting him in awkward position,
It's ok him not saying anything about me but really whatever it is he's doing I'm there doing it with him, I just hate hate hate the fact this woman knows my exact movements everyday

OP posts:

harriet247 · 07/01/2014 21:28

Betty my exmil did this and rven though she was a very nice woman and wonderful mum it was very suffocating and I did feel like there was 3 people in the room. I ended up blowong my top of bring the 'family receptionist" and that made it worse.
Ask dh to take the cLl to another room and agree the best time to call so you can avoid!
Tell him not to discuss your private life- this is for you only and it is a breach of trust

Original poster

BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 21:29

Turnaroundbrighteyes my mil also calls on valentines night, anniversary, abroad on holiday, weekends away for birthday, no day is off limits

OP posts:

harriet247 · 07/01/2014 21:29

The call *

LoonvanBoon · 07/01/2014 21:39

What does your DH say when you speak to him about the sharing of personal details with his mum? Does he refuse to discuss that too? It doesn't sound good that he won't talk about an issue that also impacts on you in a pretty big way.

Was he in daily contact with his mum when you were first together, before you got married? Did you know it was going to be like this? I'm afraid I'd have run a mile if any of my boyfriends couldn't go on a date / do anything without the possibility of his mum ringing at any time. But that was back in the days when few people had mobile 'phones so nobody could be quite so suffocating!

Anyway, definitely not the norm for us, though that might change if MIL was ill or something major was happening. I spoke to my mum (briefly) nearly every day from the time she was diagnosed with terminal cancer up until her death. But that was to check how she was, not to talk about my sex life!

WhenWhyWhere · 07/01/2014 21:45

YABU about your MiL. Your DH is your problem.

You also, as a matter of urgency, need to get caller display on your phone.

Original poster

BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 21:52

To be fair he has said that he won't answer anymore of her inappropriate questions, still don't stop her asking them though.
His relationship with her changed the day he moved out, she didn't cut the apron strings, she wrapped them round him!!
He has asked her to stop calling everyday but it will last a week and then it's back to everyday again.
I once said half jokingly a 'daughter is a daughter for life and a son is until he finds a wife' and she looked liked the devil possessed lol

OP posts:

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 22:12

Your MIL only keeps behaving this way because your DH has not told her it upsets him or been consistent about it.

He could do all sorts of things to rectify the situation if he wanted to.

Does it matter if she knows your movements every day? It is only likely to be mundane stuff unless you have a very exciting job like a spy!

It is still your DH at fault, he answers her calls on special days, late at night and has answered intimate questions in the past

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 22:15

If your DH feels like you are putting him in a awkward position then it sounds like he is not willing to do anything about it. Definitely DH at fault here. He is AIBU not your MIL

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 22:15

He is being BU not AIBU lol

Pimpf · 07/01/2014 22:18

Have you told him how ridiculous it is that he worries about upsetting his mum but not his wife?

Agree it's a good thing that they're close but it does sound very unhealthy.

Original poster

BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 22:23

It does matter to me unfortunately that's why I have such a problem with it, I'm a private person, extremely independent and would like to have atleast one day or weekend where she is not involved!
Like I say he has told her about 3 times that everyday is unnecessary, she will make a remark like 'fine' and the hang up then call again 3 days later if nothing ever happened and it starts again!
It's getting to the point where I don't tell dh where I'm going that day or with who just so he can't tell his mum

OP posts:

Original poster

BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 22:28

I'm at my wits end, I tell him it's driving us apart, it's constant bickering everyday but he just feels sorry for her and I have no idea why!
When he answers the phone to her she doesn't even say hello - she'll say very abruptly "what are you doing?" As if she's just caught him in the act!!

OP posts:

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 22:35

Your problem is with DH. You should phrased your issue as a DH problem not a MIL problem.

Your DH doesn't care that you are so upset, that doesn't say much about him as a husband or your marriage when a partner can care so little about the other person

Either you put up with it, or LTB

myroomisatip · 07/01/2014 22:44

Wow! If my MIL had dared to ask if we were back to having sex AND my DH and actually deemed it acceptable to answer her, then... my response would be 'no more sex' until I was sure he could act appropriately!

Love this: LtEveDallas Tue 07-Jan-14 15:43:28 Wish I had the courage but way to go!! :)

Original poster

BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 22:53

Sometimes the only way I can see an end to it is to leave :( it's took its toll on me and I'm so fed up with it, it's emotionally draining.
Maybe even if she did stop ringing my dh would probably still feel the need to call her, don't think I can win really!

OP posts:

Mellowandfruitful · 07/01/2014 22:55

Agree that it's a DH problem. He is doing this because he thinks that it will cause him more trouble to upset her than to upset you. That's the situation you need to change. Whatever the consequences are for him upsetting you like this, they aren't enough.

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 22:56

It is a marker of a marriage break up when one partner cares so little about the others feelings.

Could he ring her more often in the daytime so she has less need to ring in the evening? Or let DH take responsibility for looking after DD all evening so he doesn't have the time to talk? My DC never let me talk on the phone!

Onefewernow · 07/01/2014 22:59

Quite odd that so many if you think this is ok, and unsurprising you don't have to suffer it yourselves.

I'm surprised, if he works, that he has the time to talk to his mother every day, given you have a baby.

Having to talk to him whilst he us out socialising is frankly weird and insensitive.

I also think the MiL has a 'letting go' problem, and I say that as a mother of a 34 year old son myself.

However, I agree that the solution does lie with him, not the mil, I'm afraid.

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 23:02

Why don't you show your DH this thread? It may help him realise he needs to take account of your feelings and how desperate you feel

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