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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu with mil

126 replies

BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 15:21

Very long story cut quite short! My mil calls and speaks to my dh almost everyday, gets offended if he doesn't answer and sulks if she is told there is no need to call everyday! She'll then forget the whole conversation and start calling again everyday after a week. My dh doesn't really mind (mummys boy) but it's really getting to me, she wants constant info on what we're doing when and where etc etc
During pregnancy she knew all of my appointments, all the nitty gritty of any ladies problems I had after (told to her by dh)
My ds is now 9 months old and I don't like how she judges my parenting, just little things, feeding technique, napping routine etc etc!
Main problem is it's causing me and dh to argue he doesn't want to hurt his dm's feelings but quite happy to hurt mine it seems, aibu to tell him to tell her to back off?

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 07/01/2014 23:03

Can your DH not arrange to speak to his DM when he is driving to/from work, so that it doesn't eat into family time?

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 23:06

He has about an hour with ds in evenings after he's done work and ds is in bed.
I think mil knows it's me to be honest that doesn't like the constant interferring and so now does it to prove a point that she can call when she likes
I do 100% agree tho my dh is not supporting me in this and certainly fears his mothers feelings more than mine :(

OP posts:
Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 23:09

Good idea to show him this maybe he will realise its really getting to me, its certainly making me see HIM in a different light

OP posts:
toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 23:09

You are now saying interfering. Is it the frequency of calls or is she actually interfering?

Does she call on landline or his mobile?

Your DH must enjoy talking to her

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 23:11

It helped the woman whose DH was BU about his DC touching the banisters so it may help your DH too. Worth a go!

Sometimes a partner can dismiss the other when they are upset, but so many different people here are saying it is your DH who needs to address things

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 23:12

I am not very impressed with your DH's behaviour. Your MIL only behaves like this because he allows it

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 23:15

I had a friend whose DM kept calling her very frequently. She changed the balance by constantly calling her DM

Mission accomplished Grin

Tinpin · 07/01/2014 23:16

Her questions are totally inappropriate and I'm not surprised they upset you and make you angry. However I don't understand why even jokingly you quoted a 'daughters a daughter all your life and a sons a son until he takes a wife' at her. Do you really believe this? Although it feels impossible now one day your son will be somebodys wife and I imagine you will feel very differently then.

Electryone · 07/01/2014 23:17

I once said half jokingly a 'daughter is a daughter for life and a son is until he finds a wife' and she looked liked the devil possessed lol

Im not surprised, thats a horrible saying.

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 23:18

Define interferring lol
The frequency of the calls most definitely and 7 times out if 10 the nature of them!
I understand that not everyone will see my point of view or indeed agree, but the fact that I've told my dh I'm not comfortable with it and feel I'm being ignored gets to me and I suppose I initially blamed mil because she is ignoring his request to not ring everyday, but tbh he's always had these conversations when I'm not around so I don't know exactly what's been said
I asked him if he genuinely feels like he needs to speak to her if he liked it and he said he feels it's his duty???

OP posts:
Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 23:23

I was only joking and was referring to a third party when I said that and tbh me and dh we're not married and not having these problems as he still lived at home it was at a party and everyone else laughed even my dm who has a ds too with a wife, my now mil just glared at me! It was not aimed at her and she knew full well it wasn't

OP posts:
Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 23:33

#Were not married not we're not lol

OP posts:
Tinpin · 07/01/2014 23:33

OOps I meant your son will sombodies husband! Time for bed I think.

condaleeza · 07/01/2014 23:35

YADNBU and I am amazed at the number of posters who think it is acceptable for MIL to demand an hour of your DHs time under the circumstances. Your DH needs to be told very firmly that you and DC are his priorites and not his mother. You need to make it very clear that if his mother's feeling's are a higher priority than yours, as they appear to be, then your relationship is not going to flourish. He should be giving time to you and DC in evenings. DH needs to man up and stand up to his selfish mother, if he can't or won't you might as well give up now.

clam · 07/01/2014 23:35

Are you sure it wasn't aimed at her? Hmm Come on, hand on heart! Wink

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 23:41

The posters on here do not think it is acceptable for the MIL to call so much but it is upto the DH to sort it out instead of OP blaming MIL completely and making unpleasant comments about a son is a son until he takes a wife etc

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 23:43

It is true what Tinpin says. One day your DS will have a partner and family and how would you feel if you were made to feel like your were interfering just because you called your DS too frequently for your DILs liking?

Tinpin · 07/01/2014 23:44

Maybe just hearing that remark from her sons future partner frightened her and has led to this constant calling?

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 23:45

Good point Tinpin

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 23:45

It is aimed at her now lol
But no honestly this was four years ago before I knew what I was letting myself in for, maybe that's what's rattled her cage all these years ago and she decided then to make it her mission to prove me wrong lol
And thank u condaleeza :)

OP posts:
toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 23:47

Looks like your DH is helping MIL in her mission and succeeding Grin

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 23:52

Haha tinpin think we both had that revolution at the same time
And yes yes yes about my ds I keep trying to put myself in her shoes in 20yrs time but I'm a totally different person to her, I would hope I knew my boundaries.

OP posts:
Electryone · 07/01/2014 23:54

It is aimed at her now lol

I dont think its funny, regardless of how inappropriate her questions are.

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 23:58

It is a nasty comment which may come back and bite you in the future if your DIL says it

Karma and that........

Worried3 · 07/01/2014 23:58

YANBU, but I think you have a problem with both your DP and your MIL.

I would be furious if my DP and MIL were discussing such personal details about me. It's really not on, and I would not stand for it. She should not be asking such personal questions (I can't imagine why she would want to know such details- is it a control thing, or is she generally a bit socially inept?). Your DP should refuse to answer these questions, tell her why and request she does not do so again. Repeat until she stops. The fact your DP even needed this to be pointed out surprises me.

If your DP doesn't want to talk to his DM every day, he ought to say so. Your MIL should respect requests from her son not to phone every day (although you can't control how she feels about this- you may have to put up with sulks etc- she is entitled to her feelings, even if you don't understand them). Your DP should respect your feelings too, but you can't ban him from speaking to her every day if that's what he wants- that would be unreasonable.

I am unclear about whether he actually wants to talk to her every day or not. Does he really want to speak to her this often, or is he lacking enough backbone to tell her no and then stick to it, even if she does throw a tantrum?

I agree it's slightly odd that she would to want to know every move you make, and I really wouldn't like it either- it strikes me as controlling. It would drive me crackers. But what would annoy me more is that your DP won't even properly discuss something which you clearly find very distressing. He may not agree with you, but he should at least talk about- hopefully you would be able to find some sort of compromise. The fact he is more worried about upsetting his DM than you, won't compromise and won't talk about an issue that is upsetting you, is the bigger issue, if I'm honest.

As for calling while you are abroad/out etc- your DP really needs to say "sorry mum, I'm busy now so it's not convenient to talk". If he doesn't do this, it's really more his fault than hers, although most people would take the hint and call back later/another day (or keep the call as short as possible if it was urgent/vital you talk) which does make me wonder why she does it. Again, I can see why you would perceive that her exerting some sort of control over her son- but perhaps it is more than she really doesn't understand social norms?

All in all- I think they are both being unreasonable, but you would be unreasonable to ban your DP speaking to his mother every day if he really wants to.