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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu with mil

126 replies

BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 15:21

Very long story cut quite short! My mil calls and speaks to my dh almost everyday, gets offended if he doesn't answer and sulks if she is told there is no need to call everyday! She'll then forget the whole conversation and start calling again everyday after a week. My dh doesn't really mind (mummys boy) but it's really getting to me, she wants constant info on what we're doing when and where etc etc
During pregnancy she knew all of my appointments, all the nitty gritty of any ladies problems I had after (told to her by dh)
My ds is now 9 months old and I don't like how she judges my parenting, just little things, feeding technique, napping routine etc etc!
Main problem is it's causing me and dh to argue he doesn't want to hurt his dm's feelings but quite happy to hurt mine it seems, aibu to tell him to tell her to back off?

OP posts:
Musicaltheatremum · 07/01/2014 16:10

That would drive me mad. I don't phone my parents everyday. I don't think the actual phoning is a problem but it should be 5 minutes "how are you" etc. this is really undermining you as a wife and mother.
If my parents phone and I am busy or the other way round then we just tell each other and ring later. My mother in law did this for a time though.

chirpchirp · 07/01/2014 16:19

I think he's more than half the problem to be honest Betty. It's your DH you need to tackle not your MIL. If he wants to talk to her every day that's his business. If he doesn't that's his problem to solve. The sharing of hospital appointments etc I don't see as a big deal but added to everything else I understand why is pissed you off. The sharing of your personal issues is a big deal and I think you need to sit down with DH and explain exactly why. His stock answer for any line of questioning of a personal nature should be "I don't know, you'd have to ask Betty".

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 16:29

Out of curiousity any of you who said they wouldn't mind the mil calling everyday and speaking to their dh's, do any of your mil's actually do this?

OP posts:
LoonvanBoon · 07/01/2014 16:53

Tell your DH he doesn't have your permission to share intimate details about your sex life / the state of your nipples etc. with anyone else. I think it's outrageous, tbh, & not normal in the least for your MIL to ask such incredibly personal questions. There's a serious issue with boundaries here - to put it mildly!

In fact this behaviour seems so odd that, like other posters, I'm wondering if your MIL has always been like this or if there's some kind of dementia element; especially as you say she forgets conversations soon after they've taken place.

My MIL would not behave like this & my DH would not tolerate it. If your DH is really happy with his mother having this level of involvement in your lives, calling him & staying on the 'phone for 20 mins. when he's out socialising & asking questions about your sex life - then I agree that he's a bigger problem than your MIL.

PrimalLass · 07/01/2014 17:23

My MIL doesn't phone every day but I wouldn't care if she did. Because she is not an interfering bat. I would however be apoplectic if OH shared details about things like my maternity pads - which he wouldn't because IT IS NOT NORMAL TO DO THAT.

LucilleBluth · 07/01/2014 17:25

De-press-ing thread Sad

Ragwort · 07/01/2014 17:29

I agree that the bigger problem is your DH - nothing wrong with having a chat every day but he should really cut her short if she asks about your sex life Shock or maternity pads. How exactly does he answer those questions? Why doesn't he take the initiative and phone her every evening at a convenient time (for you and DH), you can have a glass of wine or a coffee whilst he makes the call & then it is out of the way.

How old is your DH?

fluffyraggies · 07/01/2014 17:31

Tell your DH he doesn't have your permission to share intimate details about your sex life / the state of your nipples etc.

This

YANBU OP. This would really annoy me.

The daily calls are his problem - but the sharing of very personal info. about YOU (and that includes your joint sex life) is just not on. Tell him to stop.

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 17:31

Does she really ask her son if he is back to having sex you yet or are you exaggerating? If she does and your DH answers, then he is the idiot

TooTryHard · 07/01/2014 17:33

My mil calls most days to speak to dp. No issue. She doesn't ask questions like that though!

In fact she doesn't really have anything to say so we're not sure why she calls but I think it's nice when families feel they can.

LucilleBluth · 07/01/2014 17:38

Hyperbole......toomuchclutter.

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 17:44

Definitely not a hyperbole!!! She said to dh that after she had given birth she was very randy and fil could not keep up and then asked if we were like that or am I not interested in sex now :/

OP posts:
Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 17:45

Dh is 26 going on 14

OP posts:
StrainingWaistband · 07/01/2014 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 18:01

If your DH is answering a question like that, then it is not the MIL you have a problem with, it is your DH

I would be very concerned about a DH who would answer such a question

Hmm
MoreSkyThanWeNeed · 07/01/2014 18:05

My Mil is similar in that she phones DH almost every day, but she makes sure to time it for when I'm not there, i.e. When he's driving home. It bugs me a little as I think wtf can they be talking about, our lives are not so exciting that we have big news every 24 hours, but if they're happy, so am I.

it is annoying that she knows all of our banal business (I'm private too OP) but I realise now that it probably does no harm. She's just nosy. It makes no difference to the decisions and actions my DH take.

Sadoldbear · 07/01/2014 18:11

How old is she? My mum started with late onset schizophrenia & she called my brother all the time - me not so much. And then later she became obsessed with sex - as in she was being accused of having sex with another man when Dad was alive, and that there was another man in herlife. It was really, really stressful, and if she has just started doing this, I wonder if it's something similar. I hope not

MatryoshkaDoll · 07/01/2014 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlessedAssurance · 07/01/2014 18:31

MIL is exactly like this. She phones almost everyday mostly to tell DH what she has eaten for breakfast,lunch and dinner. Does not bother me one bit because it's not me she wants to talk to but her son. She never talks about me or ask and the only time she does then it's to complain about one thing or another. DH gets into trouble for refusing to tell her anything about me or our plans, and i get the blame because she believes that i tell him not to tell her.
She sulks if she does not get her way but DH just lets her sulk and after a few days of not calling she gets over it and the cycle begins again. If she phones him at work and he does not pick up, she phones me to ask me why he is not picking up, maybe because he is actually working mother dearest.

Op, it is not cool for your DH to share so much with her, he can however talk to her everyday if he wants, his mother so you have to get used to it. Busy yourself with something, MN for instance and leave them to it, then you do not have to listen to their gibberish if that it what it is.
As of her giving parenting advice, let her give it then when alone with your child you just do your own thing. Better that way. Be gracious to her, maybe dementia is slowly appearing hence the forgetfullness..

nennypops · 07/01/2014 18:40

Re the problem of her calling when you're out and about - can't dh just turn his phone off? Yes, she may sulk, but that's her problem. If she complains, he can just say he wasn't available and he can't always be available and she must just accept that. Alternatively, if it's not convenient for him to speak but she insists on carrying on, again he could just switch the phone off and tell her what a shame it was that he lost the signal.

If he won't turn the phone off, can you "accidentally" do it for him or make sure he just leaves it behind?

Topseyt · 07/01/2014 19:12

I would be furious about this. Not that I mind my husband speaking to his mother every day if both of them want to, and he does at the moment because she is very ill.

However, the sharing of such personal details about me would be something I could never tolerate. It is quite simply none of her business.

Tell your husband to stop sharing this information (if he is). I assume you don't share personal information about him with your family unnecessarily, so point that out to him. Tell him it is akin to your family asking you things like when he last went to the toilet, when he washed himself etc. Then he might understand.

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 19:25

Fault lies with your DH not your MIL

CarriesPawnShop · 07/01/2014 19:54

You have a DH problem not a MIL problem.

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 19:59

MILs don't always get the blame on here Grin

turnaroundbrighteyes · 07/01/2014 21:02

I really like my MIL, but feel exactly the same as you about the phoning every day. Thankfully DH doesn't overshare.

He use to agree with the majority on here with what harm does it do until I thought about why it bothered me so much and explained that she always manages to ring at a bad time and it meant I couldn't relax and our sex life was suffering eg she'd regularly ring just as we'd sat down for tea, my looked forward to relax and disrupting dd from eating, then he'd answer and ask her to ring back in and hour or not answer and I'd know she'd be worrying about why he wasn't answering. Then she'd get the message that tea time was a bad time and ring late at night. Hard to have a romantic evening or look forward to bed when your waiting for mil to ring or chatting to her...

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