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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu with mil

126 replies

BettyBoo246 · 07/01/2014 15:21

Very long story cut quite short! My mil calls and speaks to my dh almost everyday, gets offended if he doesn't answer and sulks if she is told there is no need to call everyday! She'll then forget the whole conversation and start calling again everyday after a week. My dh doesn't really mind (mummys boy) but it's really getting to me, she wants constant info on what we're doing when and where etc etc
During pregnancy she knew all of my appointments, all the nitty gritty of any ladies problems I had after (told to her by dh)
My ds is now 9 months old and I don't like how she judges my parenting, just little things, feeding technique, napping routine etc etc!
Main problem is it's causing me and dh to argue he doesn't want to hurt his dm's feelings but quite happy to hurt mine it seems, aibu to tell him to tell her to back off?

OP posts:
Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 08/01/2014 00:03

Electryone really an old saying is not the problem here, it was a JOKE and so was the 'it's aimed at her now' hence the lol! I don't believe in the saying, of course you don't lose your son once he's married! Trust me compared to some of the snidey comments she has made to me and I have bit my tongue it doesn't even come close

OP posts:
Worried3 · 08/01/2014 00:14

Toomuchclutter,

I agree the OP's issues mostly lie with her DP. However, I very much doubt that one comment made 4 years ago has caused this situation. They saying is really not that bad.

In any case, you must see that asking such personal questions about your DIL is very inappropriate? Yes, her DP should have just refused to answer these questions, but it does indicate at the very least a complete lack of respect for personal boundaries on the MIL's part.

I think it is excessive to call every night, especially when asked not to. It is even worse to insist on being spoken to when they are busy. The fact that the MIL needs to know such detailed information about where they are going, what they've done/purchased etc does strike me as odd. I wouldn't like it- again, at the very least it suggests complete lack of understanding of personal boundaries.

I also wonder if her insisting on these phone calls is a way of exerting control? Proving the point that she is so important that her DS will speak to her every day, at any time of her choosing and discussing anything she feels like. Or it could be she's just a bit socially unaware and/or a bit lonely.

Electryone · 08/01/2014 00:15

Its a "joke" that personally I dont find funny. Has she always been sexually inappropriate in her comments and questions because if she hasnt I would seriously think something organic may be going on in her brain, Ive seen this before in my years in nursing.

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 08/01/2014 00:16

So to clarify the saying and the situation we was in at the time: my aunty was moaning that since her son had married 'her' (they didn't get along) she didn't see him much anymore and then laughed and said atleast it means she didn't have to see her either (we all were a little tipsy) I then said what's the saying aunty "a daughter is a daughter" and she then completed the rest we all laughed as it was used light heartedly and i looked at my then bfs dm and she was definitely not laughing! I can't see how that was me being nasty honestly!

OP posts:
Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 08/01/2014 00:20

I would say mildly inappropriate yes but only since dh moved out, before that I never noticed anything. She told us recently how she had the coil fitted and asked her dr if it would come off on fils privates (yes really) she's 55 and fil is 65!

OP posts:
Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 08/01/2014 00:23

She also told us how she HAD to go into her other ds's bedroom the other night and ask him and his girlfriend to keep the noise down as they were having loud sex! Hello surely it could of waited till the morning to tell him....

OP posts:
Mizza76 · 08/01/2014 00:46

I think if this is becoming such an issue in your marriage to the point where you have even mentioned it only being solved by you leaving him, you need to go to marriage counselling.
A husband who doesn't understand where his primary loyalty needs to be - or how to stand up to his mother - is not unfixable, please don't let it get to that point....

annielosthergun · 08/01/2014 01:49

I had / sometimes still have this exact problem! This is how I have tackled it:

Re DH answering the phone at inappropriate times - if we are in bed / out for dinner / other times when I can reasonably expect his full attention he does not answer the phone, but sends a 'talk later, busy now' text. I got here by telling him I would not tolerate anything else and reinforced by leaving a restaurant on more than one occasion when he has answered and got into a conversation with his Mum! Only took twice!

Re over sharing - it might be normal in his family but I am also quite private. I go absolutely postal at DH if he passes on private info about my health etc and for example if my consultant makes a comment in an appointment that I consider that info not for sharing. He's improved but not perfect

Re calling at inappropriate times - if they want to speak every day that's up to them as long as it doesn't impact me too much! So I have stopped late night 'darling son I can't possibly sleep as we haven't spoken' calls by shouting at DH and MIL while they are on the phone (so MIL hears too) for waking me up in a 'what on earth is going on, is it an emergency, no, then why on earth would someone ring after 11' type fashion! I then apologise the next day for 'grumpiness' and force DH to ask his Mum not to ring after 10 as Annie gets really cross if she's woken up! This has been successful - took about 3 goes!

Otherwise I am happy they are close! It's about finding a liveable-with balance...

toomuchclutter · 08/01/2014 07:33

Worried3 - of course it is inappropriate for the MIL to ask about her sons sex life, nobody is denying that, but if like a fool you answer such questions, you are not placing any boundaries yourself, so the questions do get worse.

I have been asked lots of inappropriate questions, if you never answer the person soon stops asking. The OP's DH sees nothing wrong in answering so it becomes a DH issue not a MIL issue. The DH has little regard or concern for his wife.

Sounds like the OPs DH doesn't want to tackle it - real issue is a marriage issue

MatryoshkaDoll · 08/01/2014 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toomuchclutter · 08/01/2014 08:30

What is more worrying is the son answers such deeply personal questions Shock

fluffyraggies · 08/01/2014 08:52

OP i'm glad you have made some progress in that your DH has now said he will not answer her personal questions in future. This is very much a DH and MIL problem.

I think you have two choices:

  1. to play the long game, ie: first give a bit of time to ensure he HAS stopped with the over sharing, and then begin work on another goal - having weekends free of MILs calls perhaps.

OR 2. you can throw your toys out of the pram, cause a massive fuss, show him this thread, and tell him he's got no choice now but to choose between your and his mothers feelings. He's had 4 years to sort it out. And that you're deadly serious about it threatening your relationship.

You really sound at the end of your tether Flowers I think this is one of those threads where posters underplaying your feelings and nit picking about unkindness to MILs or blaming it on a brief comment you made years ago is missing the point totally.

toomuchclutter · 08/01/2014 09:10

Go for Option 2

DeMaz · 08/01/2014 09:16

This would drive me bonkers, OP and I really do feel for you! I can't relate too much with what you're going through because my MIL is fab. Hubby is close to her but is not on the phone to her everyday (thank gawd).

Something definitely needs to be done because it will just drive a wedge through you and DH's marriage but it has to be done amicably! The last thing you must do is enforce a complete fall out in MIL and DH's relationship because if something was to happen to MIL, your DH may turn around and blame you for it!

I wish you the best.

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 08/01/2014 10:32

Thank you all for your support and advice, I would never give dh an ultimatum between me n his dm, I will show him this thread and tell him if he can't even meet me half way then maybe he needs to think about what's more important to him and if it's not me then there's our answer!
I think where I go wrong is I get a angry and shout/moan, think I need to talk to him calmly and tell him he is the one allowing his dm to behave like this and if he can't grow some balls and tell her it's affecting our marriage then it will never end!

OP posts:
gotthemoononastick · 08/01/2014 10:45

Come on people,be fair.Think how annoying and time consuming phone calls are in the very short evenings after work. Granny is stealing family time here if it is a daily thing.Dh is silly to allow this if he knows his wife is resentful.

I am a grandmother and think very carefully about my children's family routines in all timezones, before ringing or Skyping unnecessarily.Not saying I am not dying to see and hear about small ones,but know when to back off .DD's or DDil's notwithstanding.

toomuchclutter · 08/01/2014 11:08

BettyBoo246 - I think that is a good approach - wish you the best

fluffyraggies · 08/01/2014 11:22

Yes, i agree it's a god approach. IRL i tend to let issues fester for so long that i cant talk through them without loosing my rag and completely failing to put my (usually reasonable) point across.

Deep breath. Calm talk.

(at a time when MIL isn't likely to interrupt with a call! ;) )

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 08/01/2014 13:45

So I sent him the link for this thread whilst he's on his break at work and said just want him to think about it this afternoon before he gets home so I don't just jump on him as soon as he walks through the door.
He has replied and said will talk to his dm and tell her that everyday is too much perhaps twice a week that way they have more to talk about and that 'women's' things should be discussed with women and he's going to tell her not to ask him questions about me but to ask me directly!
So we shall see how long it lasts (fingers crossed)

OP posts:
LoonvanBoon · 08/01/2014 15:00

That sounds really hopeful, Betty. But he will need to be consistent & show his mum he means what he says!

toomuchclutter · 08/01/2014 16:55

Sounds like a good start, he will need to be consistent though otherwise it will be back to square one

Best of luck

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 08/01/2014 18:36

This is why I'm not jumping for joy just yet! But atleast he's listened and not just shut me down this time

OP posts:
toomuchclutter · 08/01/2014 18:40

Let us know how you get on Smile

Toecheese · 08/01/2014 19:47

I recon he is spineless and is just making the right sounds at the moment to keep you happy.

mummyway · 14/06/2018 19:40

Hope your issues resolved themselves, find it bizarre your oh telling his mum about your body and bodily functions..... None of her bisiness

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