My DP thinks we should go to a wedding abroad when our baby will be 1 month old...

[eepie]

The other night my DP said we've been invited to one of his very good old friend's weddings in the south of france in August next year. Our (first) baby is due on July 2nd but obviously could be late so our baby will be tiny and I think we'll still be getting into the swing of being new parents (and me being a new Mum, hopefully breastfeeding etc).

So, I said "Oh ok, well maybe we could go, depending on how the baby is doing, how I'm feeling after the birth etc, and depending on if we can afford it at the time" and he was like "Yeah, or maybe I can just go for a few days" as if that wasn't a big deal....like he was a completely separate entity and not part of the new 'family'. I don't know if I'm being ultra-sensitive because of pregnancy hormones but my immediate reaction was "Er, no.... I don't want to be left at home with the baby whilst you go to a wedding in the south of france!" .....As in...I want us to be a team/a family - either we all go together or not at all.

Obviously I may feel differently when the baby comes - ie. more confident, and could maybe manage with some help from my Mum for a few days whilst he is away. But I heard that your emotions will be up and down after the birth, and I will maybe still be bleeding a bit or recovering? But it's more that I don't want to feel that he's just checked out of his responsibility as a new Dad & I don't know why he'd want to miss 3 or 4 days of our new baby's life (as in, it won't be newborn forever and we should cherish the first few months). At the moment I feel like he's being a bit irresponsible to think it'd be no problem for him to go on his own...I felt like he was having a bit of a 'single guy' attitude - as in not putting his new baby and me, a new mum, as the first priority. But rather it's more important that he has fun at his friend's wedding. Am I being unreasonable ? Is it normal for the new Dad to go and do things separately from his new little family so early on? We could go and visit his friends when the baby is a bit older....It's just so soon after the birth..

He would only go if a) it's a close friend and b) you have the cash

Re the passport, dd was born mid June ( so height of passport season). Before she was born I was told we could do the 7 day service, but not 48 hour for a first passport. I calked for an appointment the day she was born, but the earliest was 16 days away. Cue me making multiple phone calls to get a cancellation with 5 days. Each call takes about 5 minutes, I probably called for 4 hours straight.
I think I was very unlucky, dd was born on the Wednesday, we couldn't register her until the Monday, submitted the passport on the Thursday, was denied because my counter signatory didn't return to her head of accounting job after mat leave ( despite paying her annual fees), cue calling the passport office again, trying to find another counter signatory ( not from the uk, and dh's family / friends were mostly away ) so mil drove a six hour round trip to get my nurse friend to sign. It was chaos and incredibly stressful. Finally submitted passport, due to pick up on the Friday. Dh was overseas and showed up on the day before - to meet his new dd and to deal with me! I was a disaster. we went as a family to collect the passport (1 hour train journey each way) only to find it wasn't there. We're told they would reissue and we could pick it up on the Tuesday - we were flying long haul on the Wed.
Finally received the passport on the Tuesday, it had been misfiled.

I wanted to leave the UK and go home. If it was for a wedding, I would not have bothered going through that! I missed multiple chances to bond with dd2 and dd1 was bored and missing dh and I was on the phone. And yes, I paid the NHS before anyone asks.

Sorry, to hijack, but those of you saying it is easy to get a passport had a much better experience than me.

I think the way children and families are treated in related to border controls and passports is so unreasonable and stressful, I am currently working behind the scenes in my day job to try to bring about improvements.

It would be perfectly possible to have a fast track system for newborns, if the parents already held passports. It is just in this anti-child, anti-common-sense country of ours, the largely male powers that be can't be arsed. (They can be arsed for diplomats, incidentally, as I understand it).

It would also be perfectly possible to have fast track security queues in airports for families to move through swiftly, given that they are unable to use the new biometric/chipped passport systems (due to necessary checks on child trafficking and abduction). Again, the largely male powers that be can't be arsed, as well as the owners of airports.

We need a few reasonable adjustments, I think. Citizens should not be prevented from travelling to and from their country of origin simply because of administrative faffing about and not being arsed.

Maddy, I don't think the same day passport service is available for a first passport.

I don't think it would be a good idea to book anything now. You have no idea the circumstances of your labour etc. I also think it would be unlikely for you to obtain a passport for your child in the timescale unless you went for a 1 day service.

However providing you are coping well I don't see the problem with DH going to a close friends wedding for a few days. A lot of people have to wave their DHs away for work etc so I don't think 2-3 days for a wedding of a very good old friends wedding in unreasonable. As I said before though I don't think anything should be booked until after baby as you never know what could happen between now and then.

TheDoctrineOf2014 A close friend of mine did it for her DS last year.

www.gov.uk/get-a-child-passport/your-childs-first-passport

www.gov.uk/get-a-passport-urgently
The Premium service means you’ll get your passport within 4 hours of your application being accepted. You must go to the Passport Customer Service Centre to collect it.

The Fast Track service means your passport is delivered to your home address within 1 week of your application being accepted.

Premium Service is not available for first child passport. Fast track service is available and costs £87.

Fast Track 1-week service

Your passport will be sent to your home within 1 week (not including bank and public holidays).

To get your passport within 1 week, you must supply all your completed forms and supporting documents to Her Majesty’s Passport Office at the agreed appointment.

You may also need to be in to sign for the delivery of your passport.

VoteYes, see links above.

I wouldn't go - let him go alone and get your mum in to help if she is ok with that. YANBU for not wanting to go.
"But it's more that I don't want to feel that he's just checked out of his responsibility as a new Dad & I don't know why he'd want to miss 3 or 4 days of our new baby's life" - this is a bit daft. He shouldn't miss the wedding if he doesn't want to. Presumably he's back at work by then anyway? Life goes on, which is the way it should be.

hahahaha.

Just that really!

Silly man.

"he's just checked out of his responsibility as a new Dad & I don't know why he'd want to miss 3 or 4 days of our new baby's life (as in, it won't be newborn forever and we should cherish the first few months). At the moment I feel like he's being a bit irresponsible to think it'd be no problem for him to go on his own..."

Whether or not you all decide that it's a good idea for him or all of you to go to the wedding, this is a really unreasonable attitude and will not make any of you happy. That is all.

Yes, he will be back at work probably, so presumably OP will have baby 8-6 all week then no respite at the weekend as he will be at the wedding, then same again the next week. I'm not sure why him having returned to work is an argument.

DH and I always discuss if we are going to accept invitations together or individually and our kids are 6 and 4. Yes we can both cope but it's still a conversation to be had.

YANBU. He has no idea what life is going to be like or is just in denial. One or even two weeks' late is totally normal for a first baby and I didn't stop projectile crying at totally unpredictable moments for about the first month. Taking time to physically recover from birth is important - even if you have a good one you're pretty sore for weeks afterwards. In many societies you are waited on hand and foot for 40 days - for a good reason!

Also, the smallest things also feel like massive hurdles - getting to the shops and back feels like a massive as the world feels so scary and fast-paced. Feeding is not always easy and takes HOURS..and HOURS..and HOURS as you and baby get the hang of it. Seriously, why is he trying to stress you out about this?

All you should be worrying about is lying and cuddling with your new little ball of squidginess, sleeping whenever you get a chance, and being supported through whatever you're feeling by all of your nearest and dearest -including him! Tell him to go talk to someone who has had a baby for a boot up the arse chat about what it is really like.

I am so not a fan of weddings. You only ever get to speak to the bride and groom for about 5 minutes if you're lucky.

OP: why not suggest to your Dh that you politely decline the invitation due to timing of baby's arrival, and suggest to the friends that the three of you go and visit them later in the year or early next year for a short break.

It would be much cheaper to travel and put yourselves up out of season, baby will be in a routine and you'll feel much better, and you get to see your friends for a more meaningful length of time (even if they're not that close friends and you only spend half a day or a day with them but you'll get a nice - and cheaper - family holiday).

Win, win in my eyes.

Update if anyone interested: Thanks again everyone for all your perspectives and useful info. DP and I had a talk about it and I understand that in his first reaction he was probably being a bit flippant and underestimating the amount of thought and planning and 'wait-and-see' flexibility that is needed in making this decision, so it was a bit harsh for me to assume he was 'shirking his responsibilities as a new Dad', he was just being a bit naive maybe and underestimating what the first few weeks/months with a newborn and new mother could be like. He didn't even realise that you bleed after birth until I told him. He is learning though and he said we will just wait and see but that if I need him, he will be here, and we will go and visit these friends as a family and make it a family holiday rather than spend all that money on one day's event.

As a side note.. MerylStrop I didn't find your recent message to be very relevant...Being told that a part of what I was feeling, is "unreasonable and will not make any of you happy" in regard to what is a multi-faceted issue (as illustrated by the variety of responses and the variety of factors to take into account eg. birth experience, practicalities of baby passport, money) is a pretty redundant comment and quite offensive. It's a bit upsetting to be told that a small worry that I had during pregnancy means that my attitude is doomed to not make my future family happy...Blimey...Thanks. Please be kind and consider that: I am 24 years old, am newly pregnant, have never given birth...with or without support...I have no idea what it's going to be like during, or after....I am 14 weeks pregnant and this morning I cried at a WWF advert about lions becoming extinct.... I was just having a slight worry about whether it was a do-able idea to all go to the wedding, and also about my DP's initial attitude...which many people have reassured me about since (including him). I understand it's not the most important thing in the world, and is just a minor worry, hence why I'm posting it on Mumset rather that writing an article on it in the New York Times. I understand it's just minor pregnant person worries, not the end of the world.

The back to work thing - just to clear up - My DP is freelance and so sometimes works all the time, and crazy late night hours, and sometimes doesn't work at all. So no he's not just going back to work after 2 weeks - OR he might be back at work constantly, coming home at 2am, we don't know. Also we're not very well off and his work is not that stable so it's not really as simple as "Oh he'll be back at work by then anyway what's the big deal". Also I work from home and am not sure how soon after the birth I'll have to do bits and bobs of work too, as well as hopefully breastfeeding.

Anyway all is sorted now and thanks again for all the info and advice !

Well done, Eepie! Sounds like it will all be fine and you can play it by ear. Glad to hear hubby is on board xxx

You sound very sensible Eepie. There are huge unknowns in all of this and the "suck it and see" method is a good one to use.

If you think crying at the WWF ad is bad I cried at an ad about furniture when I was pg. I also cried for no apparent reason at all. Good luck!

I'm glad you sorted this out, as I suspected he was just being a bit naive.

I didn't know you were 'only' 24 - to that I would add, congratulations on having children early. Not only will you snap back into your original physical health, you have all the time in the world to continue to have many more children. You will be able to run after them in the parks and be so much more 'hip/cool' when they are teens. Your social life will not come to an end (although your friendships may change), you will learn as much from your children as you will teach them and their Dad will be able to take them to do action sports without having to get special old people's insurance.

Congratulations and good luck :)

Fizzog - Thanks - yes I cried also the other day because my cat stepped on my foot too hard....made me miss my old cat who wasn't fat...and cue blubbing !! So funny (afterwards) isn't it....

horsetowater Thanks ! That's lovely to hear :) Your comment on the old people's insurance made me LOL though as my DP is 15 years older than me so actually he may need the special insurance...heehee. I regularly tease him about this. He's very fit and healthy though so I'm sure we'll be fine ! We joke that we meet in the middle at 30 as our 'real' age based on how we act/look.

Thanks to landrover too ! xx

eepie I did a project for work when DD2 was between 5 and 9 weeks. I was able to do it as she's a good daytime sleeper. Wouldn't have had a prayer of doing the same with Dd1 as she was a rubbish daytime sleeper (although a dream at night). Both were breastfed. Don't put yourself under too much pressure to work too soon but don't be scared of it either is my point - it'll all depend on the baby.

Good luck and well done for getting the wedding thing sorted.

Thanks beginnings ! I was starting to think I wonder whether I'll be able to do bits and bobs of answering emails and phone calls and how soon ... I suppose like you've said it depends how well a day-time sleeper my baby will be. Here's hoping motherhood makes it all the more easy for me to accept what will be will be and go with the flow... !

I think he may be being a little naive. I would suggest holding off on booking anything after the baby arrives. You may be ok with it at that juncture and he can go on his own. But I think unless money is no issue it would be silly to book anything now.

Ah sorry- just seen it is sorted. Good.