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AIBU?

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Original poster

My DP thinks we should go to a wedding abroad when our baby will be 1 month old...

178 replies

eepie · 03/01/2014 21:57

The other night my DP said we've been invited to one of his very good old friend's weddings in the south of france in August next year. Our (first) baby is due on July 2nd but obviously could be late so our baby will be tiny and I think we'll still be getting into the swing of being new parents (and me being a new Mum, hopefully breastfeeding etc).

So, I said "Oh ok, well maybe we could go, depending on how the baby is doing, how I'm feeling after the birth etc, and depending on if we can afford it at the time" and he was like "Yeah, or maybe I can just go for a few days" as if that wasn't a big deal....like he was a completely separate entity and not part of the new 'family'. I don't know if I'm being ultra-sensitive because of pregnancy hormones but my immediate reaction was "Er, no.... I don't want to be left at home with the baby whilst you go to a wedding in the south of france!" .....As in...I want us to be a team/a family - either we all go together or not at all.

Obviously I may feel differently when the baby comes - ie. more confident, and could maybe manage with some help from my Mum for a few days whilst he is away. But I heard that your emotions will be up and down after the birth, and I will maybe still be bleeding a bit or recovering? But it's more that I don't want to feel that he's just checked out of his responsibility as a new Dad & I don't know why he'd want to miss 3 or 4 days of our new baby's life (as in, it won't be newborn forever and we should cherish the first few months). At the moment I feel like he's being a bit irresponsible to think it'd be no problem for him to go on his own...I felt like he was having a bit of a 'single guy' attitude - as in not putting his new baby and me, a new mum, as the first priority. But rather it's more important that he has fun at his friend's wedding. Am I being unreasonable ? Is it normal for the new Dad to go and do things separately from his new little family so early on? We could go and visit his friends when the baby is a bit older....It's just so soon after the birth..

OP posts:
TheZeeTeam · 04/01/2014 05:36

I think it's pretty normal to go on holiday with a newborn. We drove to the South of France when DC1 was 4 weeks old and again when DC4 was 6 weeks old (with a 13 month old, 2 year old and 6 year old as well). I know people who emigrated to Australia with a 4/5 week old, so I don't think a weekend wedding in France is out of the realms of normality.

If you don't want to go, don't. But, if it's your DH's good friend, I can't understand why you would automatically think no, before you even know how you're going to cope.

KingRollo · 04/01/2014 05:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

woodlandwanderwoman · 04/01/2014 06:07

Another point to add, your body will not feel like your own a month after giving birth and you'll likely feel like you look rubbish no matter what you wear! It won't help matters and you'll also need a dress you can feed in.

I would say that the passport reason is v practical one for not going, up to you whether DH goes. I don't know your relationship with friends well enough to say if I'd mind but if he just goes for 24h (not a full holiday!) then it won't be all that bad. If it was super important to my DH I'd let him go, there's not a lot he can do that first month anyway if you're feeding other than support you and under "normal" circumstances you should be able to manage.

Havingagoodny · 04/01/2014 08:19

Firstly you could easily get a passport, it's takes a week or so and you can rush them through. Secondly, south of France is only a short flight and perfectly doable with a baby so practically you could do it. I have done a mediumhaul holiday with a 6 week old and it was very easy. However, you may not feel up to it but it's not a given that you won't be able to. Finally, I think your DH is perfectly reasonable to suggest he goes so long as you can arrange your mum or someone to come and stay. It's hardly very far. There are loads of flights to south of France so he could take an early morning one and fly back on the last night one the following day. I think you are being a bit precious about him not going tbh.

Twattyzombiebollocks · 04/01/2014 08:23

I do think wait and see is a good option.
Re the passport, can't you book an appointment with your nearest pAssport office to get the passport same day, make it for a few days before you go to allow time to get baby registered. that's the passport sorted.
Re the cost of flights, depending where in France the wedding is, it's much cheaper to drive than to fly, we have just come back from Paris before Christmas, flights would have cost us near £1k for 4 of us plus baby, we drove instead and the fuel and ferry was £250.
You may feel absolutely bloody awful and not want to travel any further than the fridge/toilet/tv at that stage, I know I did first time around (bad birth, pnd, baby with colic) but you may also feel ok and quite with it (I did second and third times with easy non instrumental deliveries)
Agree he's not being twattish wanting to go, he just hasn't got his head round the reality of having a newborn yet and likely won't until the baby arrives. He's also not subject to the massive doses of hormones you are currently subject to!

MrsCampbellBlack · 04/01/2014 08:31

First passports in the height of the summer - really you'd be very lucky to get it processed in a week.

If your DH could book a cheap flight now but then be prepared to cancel if necessary. My DH was meant to go to a wedding a week after I had dc3 but cancelled in the end as I was a tad overwhelmed.

Mikkii · 04/01/2014 08:38

I'm a bit confused why everyone thinks getting the baby a passport is a problem. We registered DS's birth before he was a week old, we applied for his passport when he was 3 weeks old as DH's aunty had a big heart attack.

Using the check and send service it came in about a week. We could have applied as soon as birth was registered.

enjolraslove · 04/01/2014 08:43

First passports- call for a registration appointment the day baby is born, take the first one you can (though in my current borough you just show up so could be done as soon as you leave hospital), then go to the passport office and pay the extra. We had ours for dc1 when she was 4 weeks (flew to the states at 6 weeks so it was important!).

But if you don't feel strongly about you being at the wedding just send your dh. You will be fine, my dp left for work when dc 1 was 7 days old for 4 days. Similar when dc2 was born. I know my dad was away for 3 weeks when I was 3 and my sis was 2 weeks old, following an emcs. Mum was fine. (And no family around either)
Yes, you will be tired but unless one of you is ill (when you rethink but you would have to anyway) you will be fine.

Beautifulbabyboy · 04/01/2014 08:49

I had a holiday planned for when DS was 8 weeks old, it was pretty straightforward to get a passport as long as you are both uk nationals. We registered the birth within 3 days, had photos done, and the passport was received 4 days later. But we were very focused as that was what we wanted.

If this is a good friend, I think your DP should go, even if you can't. My DH had to work on a training course when DS2 was 4 days old, meaning he was away 5 days, home 4, for 6 weeks. My mum stepped into the breach and whilst it was sad my DH was away it wasn't the end of the world. Could you not suggest your DP goes for 2 nights? Also if you are breastfeeding there will be little your DH can do with the baby at that age as all they will do is sleep and feed.

(Then start planning the big favour you are owed in return!! ;-))

SanityClause · 04/01/2014 08:49

People's experiences are all different. You may find you can cope either with DH going alone, or even all of you going.

I was back at work with each of my DC within a week of the birth - I took them into work with me. And, we went on holiday to Spain when DD2 was only about 8 weeks old.

Some people really do have a difficult time after the birth - I get that. But, you won't necessarily be one of them.

mameulah · 04/01/2014 08:55

YADNBU! I would tell him that I wanted to go, that the baby could be formula fed and that you were looking into hotels. Just to make the point that you are not the baby's carer. You both are. My dh is a great Dad, as I am sure your DH will be, but he still says, 'I'm going out on Thursday' (hardly ever, once or twice a year) and I say, 'Oh, who is going to look after the baby?' Just to make the point. I would NEVER assume I was going out. YADNBU. And after one month you are right, you will be emotional and very, very tired. The idea that he is off for a party is absolutely rubbish. And very, very short sighted.

Beautifulbabyboy · 04/01/2014 08:55

Ps I bet your mum would love some alone time with her daughter and new grandchild and the chance to be indispensable and needed!!

BoffinMum · 04/01/2014 08:56

I am pretty intrepid but if I were you I would skip this, unless you feel absolutely amazing after the birth, at which point you could send DH off to organise passports and so on, and book a last minute flight, if you change your mind.

BoffinMum · 04/01/2014 08:57

Alternatively give birth in the South of France??WinkGrin

Beautifulbabyboy · 04/01/2014 09:01

Oooo boffin I like that plan. Côte d'Azur.... Nice. :-))

Beautifulbabyboy · 04/01/2014 09:01

That should read Côte d'Azur!

Beautifulbabyboy · 04/01/2014 09:02

Grrr iphone...

MyNameIsKenAdams · 04/01/2014 09:03

I honestly wouldnt think twice about my DH having a couple of days away when the baby was 4/6 weeks old. I would ask him to stay if I had had a csrc and couldnt physically do stuff, but not otherwise.

in fact, I have a hen weekend booked which (had my last pg been successful), I would have been going on six weeks post partum (two nights in Bruges), and DH would have been the one to stay behind with a six week old. When I started a thread on here, it was unanimous in its support of me doing so, so this thread smacks a little of double standards

SoupDragon · 04/01/2014 09:07

I don't think going is a problem at all. I took DD to Spain to visit her grandparents (EXH's parents) when she was 6 weeks old and I did it alone with two older children too. But she was my third born so I knew what I was doing and confident in what to do with a baby!

The passport wasn't a problem at all.

angeltulips · 04/01/2014 09:10

i don't understand why you wouldn't book it (either just for dh or for all of you depending on your pref) and then cancel if you need, rather than waiting until you see what you feel like and then trying to cancel?

i think it's a mindset thing - as long as you can cancel, why not give it a go?

SoupDragon · 04/01/2014 09:10

If you don't feel up to going, I do think you should let him go with good grace - looking after a 6 week old (assuming a straight forward birth) really isn't any more difficult by yourself when it's just you and one baby. Make sure the freezer is well stocked with stuff you can bung in a microwave and it's quite straightforward.

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2014 09:12

But it's more that I don't want to feel that he's just checked out of his responsibility as a new Dad & I don't know why he'd want to miss 3 or 4 days of our new baby's life (as in, it won't be newborn forever and we should cherish the first few months). At the moment I feel like he's being a bit irresponsible to think it'd be no problem for him to go on his own...I felt like he was having a bit of a 'single guy' attitude - as in not putting his new baby and me, a new mum, as the first priority. But rather it's more important that he has fun at his friend's wedding. Am I being unreasonable ? Is it normal for the new Dad to go and do things separately from his new little family so early on?

This^^

I quite agree with you.

Add on that it isn't a 'best' friend, that your finances are stretched and you don't know how you will feel post-birth, I think he would be most unreasonable to go.

If people choose to have weddings abroad, they just have to accept that some people cannot attend.

All the practicalities people are addressing on here are besides the point of how the OP feels really.

NoDiggity · 04/01/2014 09:18

I have a 10 week old baby (my first) and I was very much out and about from day one but I wouldn't have wanted to go abroad if I could help it in those early weeks. It's hard work and you will be shattered. The baby needs feeding every 2 hours which makes doing anything a bit tricky!

My dp was away for one night after three weeks and it was fine (I got my mum to stay over so I had an extra pair of hands) but I wouldn't have been keen on much longer than that. So maybe he could go for a couple of nights but say it will hugely depend on how many weeks old the baby is and how you are feeling after the birth. Everyone's different but I found it difficult to get around and was on strong painkillers for a while.

You might feel great after the birth and want to go but you can't commit to it now and it's not worth stressing over so just see how you feel at the time.

YADNBU!!

I imagine your dp will feel differently once the baby is here.

Losthearts · 04/01/2014 09:23

I can understand how you feel. My DH went away for 5 days for a conference abroad when my DD was just 3 weeks old.

My mum and sister both had bad colds so couldn't help but I managed. It was good in one sense because most of time you wll be on your own with the baby so it is good to get used to it.

sandyballs · 04/01/2014 09:34

Barbie aren't that difficult generally!!! Esp newborns, it would be harder on your own a year later when they're on the go all the time.

My DH had to work ridiculously long hours when our twins were born, to enable me to have a longer maternity leave. No family to help, except his mum popping in for an hour once a week.

Maybe I'm looking back with rose tinted specs but I don't recall being unable to do anything on my own and I had a CS.

I realise some births are traumatic though and take some recovery. Butq generally speaking I think you could easily manage a weekend in France with one month old baby.