My DP thinks we should go to a wedding abroad when our baby will be 1 month old...

[eepie]

The other night my DP said we've been invited to one of his very good old friend's weddings in the south of france in August next year. Our (first) baby is due on July 2nd but obviously could be late so our baby will be tiny and I think we'll still be getting into the swing of being new parents (and me being a new Mum, hopefully breastfeeding etc).

So, I said "Oh ok, well maybe we could go, depending on how the baby is doing, how I'm feeling after the birth etc, and depending on if we can afford it at the time" and he was like "Yeah, or maybe I can just go for a few days" as if that wasn't a big deal....like he was a completely separate entity and not part of the new 'family'. I don't know if I'm being ultra-sensitive because of pregnancy hormones but my immediate reaction was "Er, no.... I don't want to be left at home with the baby whilst you go to a wedding in the south of france!" .....As in...I want us to be a team/a family - either we all go together or not at all.

Obviously I may feel differently when the baby comes - ie. more confident, and could maybe manage with some help from my Mum for a few days whilst he is away. But I heard that your emotions will be up and down after the birth, and I will maybe still be bleeding a bit or recovering? But it's more that I don't want to feel that he's just checked out of his responsibility as a new Dad & I don't know why he'd want to miss 3 or 4 days of our new baby's life (as in, it won't be newborn forever and we should cherish the first few months). At the moment I feel like he's being a bit irresponsible to think it'd be no problem for him to go on his own...I felt like he was having a bit of a 'single guy' attitude - as in not putting his new baby and me, a new mum, as the first priority. But rather it's more important that he has fun at his friend's wedding. Am I being unreasonable ? Is it normal for the new Dad to go and do things separately from his new little family so early on? We could go and visit his friends when the baby is a bit older....It's just so soon after the birth..

I would in principle agree that he could go on his own on the basis he waits until after the birth to confirm his acceptance to see how things are. If all is well with you both, I don't see why it is a problem for him to go.
Lots of dads have returned to work by this time (4-6 weeks later) and have to work away, so to me, the point about being away for 2-3 nights is something that lots of new mums cope with, and this is a one-off life event for a good friend.
However if, heaven forbid, anything drastic happens with you or the baby, he should be equally happy to pull out.
But I was in Legoland 3 days after giving birth to daughter number 2 and on Bournemouth beach on day 4 (and had a fab time both days) so I may not be the best person to take advice from

I definitely dont think dh would go away that soon without me aa he would miss the baby, however I do think you should both try and go but wait until you have given birth and get a late deal

How do some of you think that single mums cope, or those with partners away in the forces etc? They suck it up and deal with it.
Op plan for him going. You can do this. Millions of mims worldwide cope on their own, even after stitches, tears, csections etc...
Suprised noone has suggested u stay with ur mum instead of her
Coming
To yours

In principle, I'd tell him to book a cheap flight now, just for him, this far in advance he should get a good deal, but that his attendance will depend on how you feel at the time. I wouldn't consider going myself since it's not your friend getting married so not important to you, ie, no gain for you.
For me the actual going would not be a problem unless I physically needed him there, the thing is you've mentioned money - so get him to calculate flights, accommodation, can he share with another friend, does he have a suit, what about wedding gift, any meals out etc, and budget accordingly.
I don't think either of you are unreasonable exactly but maybe you're a bit harsh saying it would be irresponsible, and he's very naive to think it would definitely be feasible for you all to go.

I love the way most people are too busy telling their own stories to read the updates from OP.
OP you are not being unreasonable, and your huge concerns about the money (that appear to have been ignored by most) are something you should be worrying about - as babies can be bloody expensive, especially if your budgets tighter than usual due to maternity pay, etc.
Talk to your OH about the money first and foremost - if you can solve that problem then at least it might be one less thing for you to worry about and you might be able to see some practical solutions re the rest of it.
Personally, I wouldn't want to put any money into buying tickets, etc, until baby is born and I had a clearer picture of my health and whether i'd cope.
Take no notice of the "how do single mums cope" comments - you're not a single mum. You're right in your OP you should be a team.
Hope the birth goes well.

How do some of you think that single mums cope, or those with partners away in the forces etc? What about single dads? They probably don't fuck off to the South of France leaving their child behind.

The passport probably won't be an issue...yours will be enough.

Although I understand why you wouldn't want him to go alone (yanbu), I just wanted to say you can certainly fly with babies you get than a month so please disregard the points saying you won't get a baby passport in time. One of our friends attended an international wedding with her baby of about a month old.

After my daughter was born, I was in that small proportion of women who lose their ability to walk at all, really. I was trapped upstairs in a small house, unable to look after the baby unless she was passed to me, replying on DH's help as a carer to mother DD. I also needed him to keep three painkiller timetables going simultaneously and offer moral support in the frightening situation we were in. At that time, a day felt like a week. DD had a wedding to go to when DD was three/four weeks old. It was his brother's wedding and the family were up in arms at the thought of his possibly not making it. He was devastated at the possibility. But I felt as you do, OP. So we compromised - he flew over for the day. It was enough to make him - and everyone else - feel he'd been at the wedding. And I gritted my teeth and survived a day (largely) alone.

I think your dp should go on his own. If he looks at flights now he should be able to get a cheap ticket (easy jet or Ryan air?). Then it won't be so bad if he can't go at the end. Also could he plan to share a room and maybe only go for one night?
My dh had to go away for work for a weekend when dc1 was about 3 weeks old. I had an emcs but managed, got plenty of easy food organised and just stayed in feeding baby etc. he also had to go away for work for a night when dc2 was 10 days old. Another csection and harder cos had two. To look after but managed.
You should talk to your dp about this properly though
Good luck

Based on my own births after 2 weeks I was fine and could have easily coped for a few days, as long as I had a few home cooked meals in the freezer that all that was needed was warmed up. I wouldn't have been up to traveling far

The trouble is not knowing until the baby arrives.

If he's only mentioned this friend 3 times in your whole relationship, he's evidently not a close friend and I can't see why this term keeps being used when you've said he's not. You've also said your budget cannot stretch to this break.

Best to assume you won't want to go yourself and that getting a passport on time will prove difficult. Also best to assume that you will want him close by for support and help and that you won't want to be far away from familiar surroundings for more than a couple of hours at a time.

His friends will understand - in the future when they have their own children - and straight away if they've already had a baby.

Getting a first passport in the summer is a huge hassle. I flew long haul with 3 week old dd2 and getting the passport was one of the most stressful things I have ever done. Do not underestimate this.

I would probably tell dh I didn't want him to go. It sounds like money is a consideration - let him know that you are not comfortable with him spending so much on himself, when there are now 3 of you to think of. It also sounds like you are hurt he isn't concerned about being away from you both. He will probably change his mind once the baby is born.

My dh had a business trip to Asia (9 days) when dd1 was 4 weeks old. We flew to mom's house for that time. I would not have wanted to be alone with a new baby then. Yanbu btw.

If it was a close friend and money was no object I would be planning for your DH to go leaving you at home with baby (you will be fine and maybe enjoy the solitude (my DH travelled for work 3 days after our 2nd was born..it was actually more peaceful ;0)
BUT if money an object and not an important friend I would be saying why bother..better to save the cash and go away as a family (or for a trip just the two of you before baby comes!)

Play it by ear. Chances are a new Dad won't enjoy being away from his new baby and new mother anyway, he doesn't know that yet but you could suggest it to him, rephrase the question, 'I appreciate that you want to go and represent the family but if you don't feel happy leaving us behind I don't mind if you don't go'. And maybe you will want him to, perhaps you will need a couple of nights on your own.

What if your baby is early & requires medical intervention? Fingers crossed that doesnt happen but it is something that happened to me and there was no way we would have left him in hospital to go abroad.

Anyway it is unlikely you will get his passport in time to travel .

I went to a friend's wedding abroad when heavily pregnant and with a one year old, it was a challenge, but the friend died suddenly a few months later, his son never saw his father. Life is too short to restrict yourself unnecessarily.

I am currently feeding my 13 day old for an hour at a time every 1 1/2 hours.I'm struggling to go to the co op for food let alone on holiday for days. Sorry to be a doom merchant- maybe it will be different for you- but having my baby has been a total bombshell. far far harder than i ever imagined it could be. I had a relatively straight forward birth but hadn't slept for 56 hours when i left hospital and don't honestly feel I've caught my breath since. Still bleeding, still slightly dodgy sitting for too long still crying daily- 13 days is nothing-sooo early days. My DS is tongue tied so BF is a nightmare- hoping it will get better after his snip on Monday. This is a two man job-I simply couldn't BF without my OH. You may be different but I really wouldn't promise him a pass out for this one- I'm sure his friend would understand.

Nicky, where you are at is perfectly normal, I had forgotten about the 90 minute sleep thing! Remember you don't have to BF if it's not working out. The first two weeks are most important and you have done that now. I didn't cry every day but I certainly didn't go out of the house for about 3 weeks.

When I think back 3-4 weeks ago my expectations were completely unreasonable- I thought everything would be settled and organised. Some ladies do manage and are out and about in a few days just don't bet on it! I certainly wouldn't risk un-refundable cash on it. You can get flights to France on practically the same day so if you can leave it till after the birth I would- If you can't I'd say no to him going

We've done things on our own (weekends away, weddings etc) leaving the other to look after the baby/kids many times since we had our children.

I think 'if I can't go, you can't go' is being a but U.

My ds is 4.5 weeks old, he's our second child but I still wouldn't want dh going away when baby is this small. If it was me I'd make it very clear I didn't want him going anywhere. And if it makes you feel less guilty, I asked dh to cancel a theatre trip when ds will be 7 weeks old as I just don't think I'll be ready to fly solo for what would effectively be a whole day as he'd be home very late.
I had no issues with bfing dd but it was still bloody hard work for the first 12 weeks as she clusterfed every evening for 6 hours; sometimes I just needed someone to hold her so I could stand up to relieve my back and have someone else hold her while she screamed because she was off boob.
DS is different again, lots of problems with feeding in the beginning, you just cannot predict what will happen, and bottle feeding will not necessarily make things easier, as my poor sil is discovering with my 3 week old niece. Whichever way you do it, newborns are relentless hard work made all the more difficult with birth recovery and lack of good quality sleep

We travelled to the South of France by car when Ds1 was 5 weeks old. Passport was no problem and the trip itself was wonderful. DS fed and slept like a dream - lots of driving.

I'd do it again in an instant. BUT, I'd be mindful and accepting of any circumstances which meant we could not go. Traumatic birth, passport delays, can't be arsed etc.

Fwiw - I'd be very wary of the whole "giving permission to participate in non child related activities" approach post birth. This is a perfect start to problems down the track.

I went on a 2 week ohiliday in Portugal when dc 3 was about 6 weeks. But my dh and mum came too.
I found it fine. lovely actually.
But then it wasn't my first experience of motherhood.

We hired a villa with a pool, so we didn't really have to go anywhere or do anything and nothing was expected of me, other than resting and feeding!

Can't remember the flight being a problem or anything.

But, saying all that, I just don't think I would go when I was a first time mum.

Your husband will probably change his mind when he realises he's so knackered he's forgotten his own name

Quite honestly, providing things are reasonably straightforward birth wise, I don't see why you couldn't manage on your own perfectly well for a few days.

I know this isn't a competition, but I was alone from day 2. My mum who lives abroad was able to come for 48 hours and then had to leave (her mum died).

No picnic, but your baby will be a month old. You will more than likely be physically fine by then and bleeding should have stopped.