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Original poster

My DP thinks we should go to a wedding abroad when our baby will be 1 month old...

178 replies

eepie · 03/01/2014 21:57

The other night my DP said we've been invited to one of his very good old friend's weddings in the south of france in August next year. Our (first) baby is due on July 2nd but obviously could be late so our baby will be tiny and I think we'll still be getting into the swing of being new parents (and me being a new Mum, hopefully breastfeeding etc).

So, I said "Oh ok, well maybe we could go, depending on how the baby is doing, how I'm feeling after the birth etc, and depending on if we can afford it at the time" and he was like "Yeah, or maybe I can just go for a few days" as if that wasn't a big deal....like he was a completely separate entity and not part of the new 'family'. I don't know if I'm being ultra-sensitive because of pregnancy hormones but my immediate reaction was "Er, no.... I don't want to be left at home with the baby whilst you go to a wedding in the south of france!" .....As in...I want us to be a team/a family - either we all go together or not at all.

Obviously I may feel differently when the baby comes - ie. more confident, and could maybe manage with some help from my Mum for a few days whilst he is away. But I heard that your emotions will be up and down after the birth, and I will maybe still be bleeding a bit or recovering? But it's more that I don't want to feel that he's just checked out of his responsibility as a new Dad & I don't know why he'd want to miss 3 or 4 days of our new baby's life (as in, it won't be newborn forever and we should cherish the first few months). At the moment I feel like he's being a bit irresponsible to think it'd be no problem for him to go on his own...I felt like he was having a bit of a 'single guy' attitude - as in not putting his new baby and me, a new mum, as the first priority. But rather it's more important that he has fun at his friend's wedding. Am I being unreasonable ? Is it normal for the new Dad to go and do things separately from his new little family so early on? We could go and visit his friends when the baby is a bit older....It's just so soon after the birth..

OP posts:
FrankAndFurt · 03/01/2014 22:51

What about arranging for your Mum to come and stay while your DH goes to the wedding. He would owe you big time and your mum might be delighted to come and help you for a few days.
This is what I would do but it depends on your relationship with your mum.
Make him travel cheaply as well. If he is the type of person that does lovely things for you then you could do this for him. .... However, if he is usually a selfish person then you could refuse.

traininthedistance · 03/01/2014 22:54

I was two weeks late and then had a bad birth (forceps) with a long recovery time - it was just over two months before I was able to walk properly / sit down without a lot of pain and I relied totally on my DH during that time to help carry baby, and look after me while I breastfed (and did pretty much everything else) lying down in bed. There would have been no chance either of me going anywhere or of me letting him go! After a straightforward vaginal birth you might feel physically okay but 4-5 weeks will be just when the sleep deprivation is at its worst. Or you might have a CS and, again, have a long recovery time (up to 6 weeks) when you can't easily lift baby, get about etc on your own. And to be honest you will just want to nest and be in your own space and not have the stress of packing and going away! I think new mothers should be looked after and stay in bed for a month or so like in some traditional cultures - it's a very special and strange time and just establishing feeding and getting to know the baby (and recovering from the birth) is your only job for a while.

somedizzywhore1804 · 03/01/2014 22:55

Our first is due on 8th July and if DH suggested this I'd laugh my arse off. He would not be going and nor would me and the baby.

jacks365 · 03/01/2014 22:57

No one knows what will happen. Come the time of the wedding you may be feeling brilliant, settled into feeding and a routine and want to go to show off your pfb then again you may still be in pain and struggling with the day to day caring of a new born. The passport should, as long as you are not late and you can get an early registry office appointment, be ok because by then the real rush is over. The thing is you simply won't know till August. As for your dh going alone again until you get to that point you really won't know how either of you will feel again. This isn't something you can plan you will have to go with the flow.

EvaTheOptimist · 03/01/2014 23:00

Some friends held a birthday party about half-an-hour's car drive away, 4 weeks after DD's birth.

There was no way I could attend. Just all too difficult and complicated.

Please do not consider going to this wedding!

TooTryHard · 03/01/2014 23:04

We made it to a wedding as a family when dc1 was four weeks old......two miles down the road.

We planned it like a military operation and left after the meal.

If DH had left me on my own I think he'd have found an absolute wreck on his return.

He left me for a couple of nights at eight weeks and that was ok (ish).

JassyRadlett · 03/01/2014 23:05

OP, you will get people on this thread who will breezily say 'oh, you'll be fiiine, babies don't do much'. They probably either had relatively easy babies or have forgotten the grinding reality of the first few weeks of new parenthood (as I had until recently when DH reminded me of a few things, like him cutting up my food because DS wouldn't settle, and the fact that DS went through a stage of only sleeping on a person in short bursts, 24/7). It's like I developed amnesia about it and have a much nicer memory of the time than I actually had. Which is fortunate and probably why people have second children.

You have no idea what kind of birth or what kind of baby you'll have. You may have the one who sits happily I the Moses basket and gurgles between feeds or you may have the one with silent reflux, who likes being held all the time, who had huge feeding problems and who had as buying a swing on Amazon Prime in absolute desperation. (If you do happen to give birth to my DS: it's not so bad as he was always very sweet, and he grew out of a lot of his problems quickly and is currently a charming toddler.)

MerylStrop · 03/01/2014 23:16

You clearly don't want him to go

But fwiw I think you both should make every effort to go to a good friends wedding. You won't know how the land lies until the baby is here, so make plans and save up. It's an important event.

I wouldn't have been keen on it but when dh kind of had to go away for (Copenhagen for 4 days, speaking at conference/piss up/great gig) when dd was 3 weeks old (and ds1was 2.5), it was actually fine. The idea was much worse than the reality.

MerylStrop · 03/01/2014 23:23

Otoh to stuff down thread, your baby could be 8 weeks old, you could be feeling great (well you know, for someone with a newborn) and totally happy to travel, or happy to stay home alone or with friends/your mum on hand.

Life and priorities, freedoms, choices change unutterably when you have kids but it's still important to still make an effort for old friends, especially in their own big life events.

snowed · 03/01/2014 23:25

YANBU

Excited85 · 03/01/2014 23:25

I agree that you just don't know until after the birth how you'll feel so best option is to decline for now and if everything goes well and you can afford it then he could look at getting a last minute flight.
Can I add though, please don't start worrying that the first few weeks will be horrible as some pps have made out. They might well be, but for everyone who had a tough time there is someone who found it better than they'd thought. Personally we were going out for dinner with dd once she was 4 days old and dh has had a few days away consecutively already (she is now 9 weeks) and I coped perfectly fine. To be honest if you're bf then the babies just need their mum, it's you that might need dh. If you have your mum to help and things are straightforward at the birth I wouldn't worry about coping, am sure you'll be fine.

annieorangutan · 03/01/2014 23:26

With both our kids we registered them within 2 days so it might not take long. I would go if you can get passport

hippo123 · 03/01/2014 23:31

Yes peartree, although I would see it more as attending a friends wedding that's fucking off on a jolly.

The money side of it would be more of an issue to me. However whilst yes the op may still be bleeding heavily, recovering from a emer cs, struggling with breastfeeding, have severe pnd etc, she may also be fine. I certainly was after my first, not second though. Can't you plan to go and stay with your mum op if you don't think you fancy being alone?

hopingforsleep · 03/01/2014 23:31

My DH went abroad to a good friend's wedding for 2 nights when DS was 1 week old (2 weeks overdue). He got the ticket in advance on the strict understanding that he might well not go. As it was DS was an easy baby, my parents came to help me and it was all fine but final call as to whether he was going was made on the day he flew.

EugenesAxe · 03/01/2014 23:32

Well I can see both sides really. Newborns are pretty boring; they sleep a lot. I haven't gone far with mine (3 & 2yrs) but would say other ages are far more precious in terms of savouring. Won't be the case for every man, but barring primal urges to protect their children, men tend to do much more of their bonding later, once there's some interaction to be had.

I will also say that you will be on your own after paternity leave ends, just two weeks after birth, or less if it's a fiddly one that takes forever.

So I think on the whole I agree with the following that have been said: no pre-booking and he needs to keep an open mind to not going, if it's a close friend I think you need to do the same vis a vis allowing him to go (taking into account first comment, which basically assumes no extraordinary issues with you or the baby).

hippo123 · 03/01/2014 23:32

Than not that's Smile

MotherOfInsomniacToddlers · 03/01/2014 23:33

I went to a wedding that was 300 miles away from our home when firstborn was 7 weeks. We had to as dh was best man and we also had to stay 2 nights as the groom insisted. I was awful and I just wanted to be at home with my newborn AND my dh, the travelling was bad as was breast feeding a baby that liked to feed very very regularly!

ActiveTimes · 03/01/2014 23:33

We traveled abroad when the DT's were 3 weeks old (after c-section), got the passports when they were 2 weeks old after applying for them when they were 3 days. It can be done with little hassle.

I'm going against the majority on here and say if it's only for a weekend then let him go by himself if you don't want to go. DH had to go away for 6 days (another country in Europe) for work when the DT's were 5 weeks old and I coped fine with no help. They sleep most of the time when they are tiny anyway.

You say the wedding is for a very good old friend, of course he wants to go.

MerylStrop · 03/01/2014 23:38

I'd suggest you presume he's going, get your respective heads round it and plans in place, on the proviso that if everything's dreadful or anyone's sick he won't go.

Better that way round than presume you're/he's not going, then all be just fine and him miss the chance.

Juno77 · 03/01/2014 23:38

Sorry - I'm here to agree with active. We took DS away when he was 3 weeks old, passport only took a couple of weeks to arrive and we registered him at 3 days old.

I'm pregnant now and DH is away for 4 days when baby will be 4 weeks old, and I have a (3 day) trip with a friend planned for a fortnight after that.

I don't think it's that big a deal tbh. If you don't think you fancy it, let him go alone.

Coveredinweetabix · 03/01/2014 23:53

I'm one of those who doesn't see what the big deal is. I think it may be a bit much for you all to go and the passport could be an issue at that time of year but, given you don't know the bride & groom, I think that it would be understandable if just your DP went. You have plenty of notice of the dates so can book the cheapest flights, organise your mum to come & stay and get her dog in kennels or looked after by a friend. Alternatively, could you go to your mum's for a few nights? DP had to go to a funeral 5 hrs away and stay overnight when DC1 (48hr labour, forceps, third degree tear) was 9 days old and then had to go on a business trip when DC2 (pretty much fell out of me) was 3 weeks old. Both of them were fairly short notice so I wasn't able to arrange any "back up" in terms of my parents coming to stay but I managed. With DC1, my expectations were simply to survive and I'd stocked up on ready meals & chocolates and had no plans of leaving the house but ended up going for a walk, to a baby group etc. I was also slightly resentful at the time of DP going to the funeral but, in hindsight, realise it was definitely the right thing to do. When DP went away after DC2 was born, it didn't actually cross my mind to even worry about it as I just knew I'd have to get on with it.

I find our social life has been so curtailed/changed by having DCs (one of us always has to be at home in the evening) that weekends away by yourself are one of the best ways of socialising. My DC are now 4yo and 19mths and DP has a ski weekend, a golf weekend and a cricket weekend in the diary in the next 6mths and I have hen party and a work thing. As long as there's plenty of notice so I can organise my parents to come & stay, to go & stay with the ILs or a few social plans, I think its pretty good for both of us to have this freedom.

fuckwittery · 04/01/2014 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kickassangel · 04/01/2014 00:21

It doesn't really matter how easy or otherwise it could be. It is not unreasonable for a first time mum to want their partner to be around to support them in the first few weeks.

Add to that that they can't really afford it, and it would be very selfish of him to go.

Saving the money to pay for some extras or cover extended mat leave or all three of them going into e spring would be much more considerate.

cees · 04/01/2014 00:21

I really would understand if someone didn't come to my wedding due to having a new born, because frankly a baby is hugely life changing and way more important then a wedding no matter who is getting married.

Tell your dh how you feel and tell him it won't matter how important a friendship is right now because his new born will take priority over a wedding any day.

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2014 00:35

If the OP had a wedding to go to instead of her DH it would be impossible and she really wouldn't want to go anyway.

Why doesn't her DH feel the same?

You couldn't have paid my DH to leave me and DC at that stage in our lives.