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AIBU?

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Original poster

My DP thinks we should go to a wedding abroad when our baby will be 1 month old...

178 replies

eepie · 03/01/2014 21:57

The other night my DP said we've been invited to one of his very good old friend's weddings in the south of france in August next year. Our (first) baby is due on July 2nd but obviously could be late so our baby will be tiny and I think we'll still be getting into the swing of being new parents (and me being a new Mum, hopefully breastfeeding etc).

So, I said "Oh ok, well maybe we could go, depending on how the baby is doing, how I'm feeling after the birth etc, and depending on if we can afford it at the time" and he was like "Yeah, or maybe I can just go for a few days" as if that wasn't a big deal....like he was a completely separate entity and not part of the new 'family'. I don't know if I'm being ultra-sensitive because of pregnancy hormones but my immediate reaction was "Er, no.... I don't want to be left at home with the baby whilst you go to a wedding in the south of france!" .....As in...I want us to be a team/a family - either we all go together or not at all.

Obviously I may feel differently when the baby comes - ie. more confident, and could maybe manage with some help from my Mum for a few days whilst he is away. But I heard that your emotions will be up and down after the birth, and I will maybe still be bleeding a bit or recovering? But it's more that I don't want to feel that he's just checked out of his responsibility as a new Dad & I don't know why he'd want to miss 3 or 4 days of our new baby's life (as in, it won't be newborn forever and we should cherish the first few months). At the moment I feel like he's being a bit irresponsible to think it'd be no problem for him to go on his own...I felt like he was having a bit of a 'single guy' attitude - as in not putting his new baby and me, a new mum, as the first priority. But rather it's more important that he has fun at his friend's wedding. Am I being unreasonable ? Is it normal for the new Dad to go and do things separately from his new little family so early on? We could go and visit his friends when the baby is a bit older....It's just so soon after the birth..

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 04/01/2014 09:39

If people choose to have weddings abroad...

I got the impression that the friend lives there.

Welshwabbit · 04/01/2014 09:40

Just on the passport thing - the law has changed and the baby will need his/her own passport. It's no longer possible to travel on the mother's passport. The baby's birth will need to be registered before you can get the passport. I don't know where you live, OP, but in my London borough it can take ages to get a registration slot. We rang up the day after our son was born and the first slot was almost 6 weeks away! I suppose they may have a priority track for people who need to register early - we didn't ask. I would be wary about planning to go as a family, regardless of how you are going to be feeling.

In terms of whether your partner should go I agree with those who say you should see how you feel after the baby is born - but obviously if the trip is too expensive anyway YANBU to ask your partner not to go.

JingleJoo · 04/01/2014 09:45

I would 'let' DH go if it was important to him ( ie. It was a v close friend) and if we could afford it. I would expect it to be subject to cancellation should baby be born very late, or if there were any complications. But in reality your baby may well be almost 2 months old by the time of the wedding. However, I would expect the trip to be kept as short as possible.

I did have a little chortle at the not wanting to miss precious cherished newborn moments. In hindsight I recognise they were precious, but at the time I would have paid a million pounds for a night away in a hotel!

Plateofcrumbs · 04/01/2014 09:45

I definitely don't think it's unreasonable not to want to go yourself - yes it may be possible, yes you might enjoy it, but having that extra stress hanging over you of planning and worrying about how you will feel may negate any of that.

However, I think it is unreasonable to dismiss any idea of your DH going. He should definitely not just assume it's OK and it's a decision you need to make together. But all being well you should be 4-6 weeks in by that point, and short of having an unusually traumatic time of it, you should be starting to find your feet a little by this point.

Presumably your mum will want to come visit you at some point in the first couple of months anyway to meet her grandchild, so will have to get people to look after dogs etc anyway. Assuming you get on well with your mum it could be a lovely opportunity for the three of you to spend time together.

Flights may be cheap if booked now. Assuming he can get cheap flights and generally economise on the trip (minimum number of nights away etc) I don't think it unreasonable for you to plan for him to go but be prepared to cancel if you're struggling.

As others have said in the early days a lot of your socialising opportunities are likely to be independent of each other. A little further down line you'll no doubt appreciate the opportunities to have some independent time will DH looks after baby. It's all give and take - if DH goes away this time you'll have some 'credit banked' for the future.

Juno77 · 04/01/2014 09:50

You know, lots of people have babies and don't have a DH or family to help. And they manage just fine.

Some people are rather bloody precious.

OP - go if you want. Don't go if you don't want to. Let DH make his own choice too. Done.

BookFairy · 04/01/2014 09:52

People seem to be ignoring the money issue.

If the cost is a big chunk of your budget YWNBU to ask your DH to go through your finances together and look at what you you could/couldn't afford wrt flights/hotels etc.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 04/01/2014 10:00

I would feel the same as you OP.

JugglingIntoANewYear · 04/01/2014 10:06

My DH often goes on trips abroad with work and one came up that was around when DS was due - not essential (was something he could opt out of) but an exciting sounding opportunity. DH reckoned he'd still go even if it meant not being there for the birth.
I wasn't happy with that thinking at all, but fortunately trip didn't pan out anyway.
I did enjoy going away together when dd (dc1) was a few weeks old - change of scene was very pleasant, but that was all together to a family gathering in the UK.

TeacupDrama · 04/01/2014 10:08

if you really wanted to go it is doable, just depends where you live; here DH could register birth the day of the birth, you can pay extra to get passport in a hurry,48 hour turn around.
In scotland the birth has to be registered within 21 days I believe in England you have 6 weeks, just saying that this obstacles can be easily overcome if you want to

that said if you do not want to go YANBU, however Dh is also YANBU in wanting to go to friends wedding

i had EC but 10 days later DH had to go away for 5 days on business I coped fine, had friends nearby but not family; while you may bleed for a month you may only be bleeding for a couple of weeks, your baby may need feeding every 90 minutes on the otherhand they may go 3-4 hours between feeds at 6 weeks, most people who have easy babies say little as it upsets other mums who are struggling

we traveled to see my parents 10 hours drive away when Dd was 6 weeks old (3 weeks really as born at 37 weeks and she was tiny) travelling with tiny baby much easier than with young toddler

however you say money is tight so that is a good reason for a discussion on feasibility, missing 3 days of a healthy newborns life is not the end of the world or in reality that big a deal,

neither you or DH are being unreasonable

trixymalixy · 04/01/2014 10:15

We took DD to Rome when she was 8 weeks old and it was fine. However we left it until after she was born to book flights etc to make sure everything was ok. Passport turnaround time was 2 weeks even in the summer.

However, I wouldn't have been feeling up to going abroad after DS was born. So YANBU not to want to plan to go as you don't know how things will be.

bedhaven · 04/01/2014 11:04

I hoped to attend my friends wedding in south of France about a month after due date of my second baby. We didn't make it as he was 13 days late and you can't fly with a baby under 14 days old, let alone making and attending an in person appointment for a passport. I really wanted to go but in retrospect I'm really glad we didn't. That time is where the world revolves around your baby, which doesn't combine well with a wedding where everything should revolve around the couple. If my husband wanted to have gone, I don't think I'd have minded so long as I had my Mum or similar staying with me. At that stage, all my attention went to the baby so long as I had some practical support a couple of days wouldn't have mattered. It would only be for something special like a wedding though.

HappyMummyOfOne · 04/01/2014 11:14

Rather mean to measure his "father" skills by the fact he wants to see a good friend get married. What exactly would he miss the newborn do? Presumably he will be back at work so missing the days with him/her anyway.

The money side is separate but he should have a say in what his income is spent on just as you should re yours. You are both adults, neither needs permission to do something and a friends wedding is a big deal to some people.

curlew · 04/01/2014 11:15

I don't know about the practicalities of passports and so on, but in terms of actually travellng, you can't possibly know how you'll be. I could happily have done it- but I had short labours, "easy" trouble free births and found bf easy. And I was ridiculously desperate to be out and about.nI know loads of people who couldn't have done it, and loads more who could have but wouldn't have wanted to.

As to your Dp going-I think you might be being a bit unreasonable there. Unless there are any issues which mean you need extra help, you will be fine without him for a couple of days. Whether or not he wants to go is another matter. Dp cried when he left us when he had to go back to work- and would have been a gibbering heap if he had had to stay away overnight. Much more emotional than I was!

beginnings · 04/01/2014 11:17

Everyone's different and reacts to birth differently which is reflected in the responses here. I think your DH is being a tad unrealistic and a bit selfish in the way that he's approached it but, giving him the benefit of the doubt, he may just have phrased it badly.

If money is an issue, be warned that flights to Nice in August are not at all cheap. They're expensive basically from the Cannes festival in May through to September.

I could have contemplated this with DD2 although she was is dreadfully unsettled at night so DH helps out. At that age with DD1 there is no way I'd have been happy about it but ironically would have been fine as she was a much more predictable baby (anyone who says the second one just slots in needs to come to my house for the day, but that's another thread).

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy! See how you feel later in the pregnancy and see what support you can put in place for when he's gone.

milk · 04/01/2014 11:18

Depends on your situation:

If you have family or friends who could help you for a few days then you should let him go.

If you will be all by yourself then he should stay at home!

beginnings · 04/01/2014 11:30

Oh and regarding the passport thing, it'd be fine. They tell you three weeks but with both of mine I used the check and send service and it was about a week.

fedup21 · 04/01/2014 11:59

How pregnant are you, OP? If you're due in July, presumably you're only a couple of months gone? Tbh at 12 weeks pregnant, my DH said some stupidly optimistic things at that stage about what it would be like when our DC arrived! Also, do the wedding couple even know you're pregnant-presumably you aren't showing yet?

I think the couple will be v understanding if you/he decides not to go when you explain the situation.

HairyPotter · 04/01/2014 13:35

As long as we could manage financially, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. My dh went skiing abroad for 5 days when dd1 was 4 weeks old. Wasn't a problem. I was Envy that I couldn't go too but glad that he wasn't going to miss out.

It was actually lovely to have her all to myself for a few days.

maddy68 · 04/01/2014 14:33

I took my baby to the south of France when she was 3 weeks old. It'll be fine!
What are you worried about? I was fine, my baby was fine my dh was knackered as I made sure he looked after both of us Grin

maddy68 · 04/01/2014 14:35

Ps you can get a passport the same day. That isn't too much if an issue.

Zamboni · 04/01/2014 14:39

OP I probably wouldn't have wanted to travel and be away from home myself ( other than at my DPs or PIL) but I 'd have no problem with DH going. DH went on a week long stag do when DD was 5wo. It was fine.

AngryBeaver · 05/01/2014 00:10

Juno, rather unreasonable of you to expect the op to 'think herself lucky' she has a dh?!
We don't all reflect on the circumstances of others before making our own choices.
You look at your own situation and decide from there.
We could all do a lot of 'what if's " about more or less everything.

Fwiw,I will be coping, more or less alone in a foreign country with 3 dc plus a newborn.
I am pretty bloody stressed about that.
But I can still look at the ops situation and advise/suggest from the details she has given us.

I didn't read anything about a money issue (skimming) but if there was a problem with budget that would narrow down the choices for me.
Either dh goes for one night, or no one does Smile

AngryBeaver · 05/01/2014 00:11

Overuse of more or less!

Juno77 · 05/01/2014 00:17

I wasn't really talking to the op, this wasn't my first post here. I was really talking to all the outraged posers who've made a huge deal of being apart from her DH.

foreverondiet · 05/01/2014 00:22

If it was a really close friend and I had other help it would send my dh on the basis of one overnight away only. You might be up to it but won't know until nearer the time.