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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be terrified for my friend?

301 replies

MissWinter01 · 01/01/2014 11:24

Her husband attacked me last night (bruised arms, possible making of a black eye).

Had to wake my daughter up and take her home at 2am. He lost the plot and I don't even know what triggered it. Apparently this isn't the first time he has acted this way both outwith and within the marriage.

I'm actually worried about my friend and her little boys safety.

OP posts:
ImagineJL · 01/01/2014 13:13

OP this is the perfect opportunity for the police to be involved without your friend having to feel responsible for calling them. She may never have the strength to do it herself, and he may end up killing her. But you do have the strength and the power to potentially save her life.

Also you need to show your own daughter that when someone hurts you you report it, otherwise it sets her a bad example too. And your friend's sons deserve protection, even of your friend doesn't have the ability to offer it - you do. Please don't miss this precious opportunity to save the lives of several people.

She may not know it now but one day she would thank you.

thepobblewhohasnotoes · 01/01/2014 13:15

I would also echo what the others say about protecting the little boy.
He's not able to get himself away from this violent man. His mum should be doing that. If she's not able to do that, then other adults need to help protect him. That's you in this situation.

Madeupnamelady · 01/01/2014 13:18

There were children around when this assault took place? You have a responsibility to report it. You are giving your dd and other children the wrong message by brushing it under the carpet. (that is assuming they are aware of what took place) I would have him charged with assault.

Aside from that your friends welfare counts

HowlingTrap · 01/01/2014 13:18

So even after you were viciously assaulted your mate is mor bothered about her 'DH' not getting into trouble?

not much of a friend is she?

I know you're torn must be a terrible situation,

mouldyironingboard · 01/01/2014 13:18

Please report this assault. You have been attacked by a violent, dangerous man who could kill the next person he decides to hit.

HowlingTrap · 01/01/2014 13:22

Just read she's gone home Sad Angry

Please protect that poor little boy as its clear she has no intention of doing so.

partyhead · 01/01/2014 13:23

Don't be a divvy- call the police right now and report the assault.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 01/01/2014 13:24

Yeah, cos calling the OP names is going to help, isn't it partyhead Hmm

RedHelenB · 01/01/2014 13:26

If she has gone back to him I can't see the friendship continuing though, can you? What i meant was she shouldn't NOT report this in a vain attempt to keep the friendship, that has changed because of events no matter what action OP does or doesn't take.

Blu · 01/01/2014 13:33

I don't think it is fair to dismiss or downplay the potential short term impact of involving the police. The reality is that unless the victim has an escape plan, and the confidence to see it through, things can get worse before they get better. Abusers have a tremendous force over their victims. And will often create a horrible backlash if they are challenged.

The advice from Women's Aid is to listen to victims and support.

The issue her though is that the OP was attacked and has the power and right to make a complaint on her own behalf.

I personally think that is the right thing to do. And I am v pleased to hear that the police in Scotland have excellent DV practice.

PacificDogwood · 01/01/2014 13:33

MissWinters knows she would do the right thing to report the assault on her to the police.
And yes, that might make the friendship difficult for a while, but it does make her a true friend.

Thanks to all on here sharing their history of abuse.

zippey · 01/01/2014 13:34

I'm just wondering how good a friend she is if she wod rather protect her hubby over a friend who was assaulted.

I think you should think about number one, yourself, and go to the police. She isn't a true friend.

BillyBanter · 01/01/2014 13:37

She's a terrified woman living in an abusive relationship. Give her a break.

bochead · 01/01/2014 13:37

If your children were in the vicinity then you HAVE to report it!

To do anything less is to pave the way for a "next time" in the years to come. This is even more important if noone can give you a reason why he flipped. This man knows where you live, what your kids look like etc, etc.

Only a complete idiot would give him the chance to hurt you again. Only a heartless cow would knowingly leave a young child (her son) vulnerable to a crazy violent loon, who flips like a switch for no known reason. Can you honestly say you'll be able to live with yourself if one day you read the worst kind of Newspaper headline about that poor child? I couldn't.

If you've got black eye's you need medical attention and you need to tell the truth about how you got any injuries for your own sake. As a mother your health comes way before canvassing the opinions of others. That's your first step - looking after number one, not extended family gossiping. If you go to A&E you can report it to the police from there discreetly, without your extended family/friends whatever getting all wrapped up in your business.

p.s Go to the POLICE, not social services, as frankly SS powers are a bit of a myth. The POLICE and only the police have the power to get this man sectioned (if he really is bonkers) or remove him from the home, arrest him etc. They also have far more powers as regards investigating any other incidents, dealing with other agencies to build up a genuine picture of how safe your friends son is as quickly as possible. (sorry if I offend any SW's on the thread but with this being the drinking season I'm worried about that little boy!)

ItsTrueLefou · 01/01/2014 13:38

Zippey has said what I came on to say.

You're affording her a lot more consideration than she is you. She isn't a friend. She doesn't give a shit about you.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 01/01/2014 13:39

Op, I'm sorry this has happened to you and I know you're in a horrible position, but in a bizarre way him hitting you has given you all of the power. You can change your friend and her son's lives. You can show her that she doesn't have to stand for dv. You can show her that the police will act against violent men.

If you don't report it, you hand the power back to him. He has two women (at least) showing him that it is fine to hit them.

secretsofsanta · 01/01/2014 13:39

Fgs, report to police.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 01/01/2014 13:40

Some people on here need to read up a bit more on domestic violence and that mind-set it puts people into.

The woman is living in an abusive relationship and is probably terrified out of her wits right now. She isn't going to be thinking about her friend, she's thinking about not getting the shit kicked out of her again. It doesn't make her a bad friend, it makes her a terrified, confused, upset woman in a very bad situation.

Try a little empathy on for size, people, it might help you.

HowManyMincePies · 01/01/2014 13:41

Apparently this isn't the first time he has acted this way both outwith and within the marriage.

This man is happy to assault anyone. The more times it happens the more chance that someone will be permanently hurt or worse.

When are you going to go around your friends house again? When are you going to take your DD there? When are you going to meet with her and him in public?

This has damaged your friendship with her as she may be willing to sweep it under the carpet as it is harder to see clearly but you can't.

Longterm it is in your best interests and everyone else's to report this bastard.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/01/2014 13:41

Zippy

The friend is a victim of DV and probably DA, she is probably scared, confused and god knows how many other feelings are going through her mind at the moment. Defending your abuser is very very common.

It isn't that she isn't a true friend, its that she is a victim of abuse.

bochead · 01/01/2014 13:51

If you don't want to get medical attention today, (and discreetely report it while you are at A&E) then for the sake of YOUR kids you need to cut contact totally in order to keep them safe.

Let the gossips form their opinions away from you and yours. You aren't there to provide their entertainment cos there's nought on the box this afternoon. All their noise is doing is putting you at increased risk of him coming round to "shut you up" at some point.

I'm worried that if you don't report it, then this individual may threaten you or your children in order to stop you reporting it if the extended families are all gossiping about it. Don't let this man's reign of terror impact your home/family/kids. Lance the boil, if you leave it unreported then you can nver have contact with your friend again and be sure you aren't putting your own family at risk.

I do know you've had a horrible shock and are feeling vulnerable and shaken up. I really do want you to get down to A&E today and get yourself properly looked at. (The police in A&E are far more discreet than going to the station would be too).

Then I want you to spend as much time as you can before you go back to work, just recuperating and relaxing in order to get over the shock and recover a bit. Perhaps reassure your kids a bit, as they must be worried seeing their Mum bruised up. You owe that much to yourself.

KingCrimson · 01/01/2014 13:53

OP, please call the police. If this guy kills your friend, or her little boy, or somebody else, you'll never be able to live with the guilt if you don't.

If you really feel you can't, then call social services, but the police should really be the first call, so this guy can be locked up.

LouiseSmith · 01/01/2014 13:56

Report the assault to the police, your friend may not thank you for it in the beginning but if anything happens to her, the police already have a record of it.

knockedgymnast · 01/01/2014 14:20

yummytummy domestic violence, and the consequences of it, is a problem across the board that affects ALL communities, sadly :(

MaxsMummy2012 · 01/01/2014 14:20

I'm so sorry for what you have been through.
I have some questions for you...
Do you love your friend?
Do you want to protect her?
Is her being in your life more important to you than protecting her?
Is protecting her more important than her in your life?
If it was me, I would absolutely risk my friendship with her in order to keep her safe. By calling the police you are making them aware that she and her children are vulnerable and at risk and it could save their lives. If you do not go to the police you are not protecting them, you will not be able to save her with kindness and friendship and you will not be able to convince her to leave - she's already shown that this is the case because she has returned to him less than 24 hours since the attack. You need to take a stand for her. Finally I'm going to leave you with a scenario (I'm sorry if it seems like a really harsh scenario but it is a true outcome for many women) - you do nothing, you choose not to call the police, your friend stays, she continues to suffer abuse, one day he attacks her so badly that he kills her.
Call the police. Xxx