To want more sex

[Billiam]

Lately DH and me have not had much sex. His libido is much lower than mine. Last couple of years his interest dropped to nothing. Talked lots and things have got better, but he said he did not want to feel he had to have sex a certain amount. But be said he would like it maybe once a month. Not enough for me, but I don't feel I can say this because it sounds like I am asking for a rota. Don't understand how he can know how often he will want it. I am afraid he just doesn't really want it at all but has decided he has to and has chosen a number he can put up with. Aibu

With all due respect I am sick of being intimate, its turned insipid now, I have started to recoil, it all feels a bit pointless.

This sounds like exactly what's happened to me. The hen pecks feel like I'm being thrown some crumbs, when I really need (and deserve) a regular meal.

vanillavelvet

And it just gets so difficult broach it after a period of time

That's interesting that you feel it as well. That is exactly how my dh felt and he said that the longer it went on the more difficult it got for him to do anything about it.

I think that it can be a vicious downward spiral that it is very difficult to get out of.

I think that it can be a vicious downward spiral that it is very difficult to get out of.

That's the same with anything - smoking fags, over eating, procrastination, never exercising.

Yet, we summon the courage to overcome these things if we really want to. Herein lies the rub - do they really want to improve things? After all, to them there is no issue, they're not suffering, they don't have a feeling of 'lack'.

You say that but people with good intentions to lose weight start exercising more, reduce drinking, give up smoking, often don't succeed. For every success there are loads o failures so maybe the same applies here.

People are what they are.

Anyone unhappy in a relationship always has a choice. It's not an easy choice but a choice all the same.

The other choice is maybe just accepting it for what it is.

The other choice is maybe just accepting it for what it is.

Maybe there are more than just 2 choices?

1. Leave.

1. Stay and accept.

1. Fuck buddy on the side.

However from my experience of discussing this issue, not many asexual folk would 'allow' their partner #3. The question is:ATBU?

The main difference between this issue and losing weight/ giving up smoking etc is that the sex thing involves 2 people and both have to be making an effort in order for things to improve. One person cannot put in all the effort for 2 to compensate for the more reluctant partner's indifference.

I'm going with the stay and accept option. Just wish I found it easier to accept!

I wonder if partners/boyfriends ever worry if we will stray? I never would but I do wonder if some women would? I could understand it if they did, surely everything comes to a head and something has to give?

I think they are being unreasonable to an extent and personally I think if more people allowed each other this freedom there would be fewer divorces.

How would you feel though if you broached the subject and your "asexual" partner actually wanted a bit of this themselves as they are not actually asexual at all but just with you. Surely that would piss you off even more?

However like you say, not many will agree to this and how many people who enter into this agreement can have sex without developing feelings?

Personally, I couldn't have a fuck buddy because I connect love and sex. But I was using it as a good example of the asexual's selfishness.

How would you feel though if you broached the subject and your "asexual" partner actually wanted a bit of this themselves as they are not actually asexual at all but just with you

I would end the relationship because that is just spiteful.

If the 'assexual' guy turned around to his wife/gf and asked if he could have a fuck buddy as actually he does want sex, but just not with them, then all that shows is they shouldn't be in a relationship anyway. It shows he isn't assexual at all, he just isn't attracted to his partner and is a bit of a twat.

It's a completely different issue to the one that is being discussed.

Completely agree Writer.

I can't recount my situation in full because it's too painful, but suffice to say I recognise so many of the stories here. It turned out my now XH was having affairs, and casual sex with women he met on the Internet. He allowed us to go through the charade of psycho-sexual counselling knowing there was nothing wrong with his sex drive or ability to perform, while reducing my self-esteem to nothing.

That is awful whites - I really hope you have overcome it all and you have your self esteem back now? Have you been in relationships since and been able to have a 'normal' sex life or did what your DH do to you cause long term damage that has made it hard to have sexual confidence in yourself?

Several bouts of counselling and a loving new partner have helped to restore my self-esteem. But it took a long time.

I posted at the start of the thread and have been reading with interest.

whites what an awful thing to go through. I think that's slightly different to the experiences being discussed here though, but you have my sympathies.

With regard to the 'vicious cycle thing' this rings a bell. My partner spent several years being celibate before I met him. When I spoke to him - after reading this thread - he said he thinks he just got used to it not being part of his life. He has no religious baggage and doesn't think sex is dirty. When we got together I don't think he felt confident about initiating anything. I used to initiate, but this tailed off for the same reason mentioned by other posters of wanting to feel wanted and not that I was 'making' him have sex with me.

On a positive note, we discussed the massage thing, with a ban on actual sex, and he's willing to give it a try when we're settled back into work in the new year. I'll hold him to that!

I'm not sure it is completely different to what is being discussed.

I'm not saying the "asexual" partner would suggest a F buddy but of their partner did they may ask about a fully open relationship.

There are a lot of assumptions about partners being asexual on this thread but that is maybe easier to accept than getting underneath the real reasons why sex has dwindled.

In not sure how someone can be completely sexual for many years and then become asexual. Maybe I just dont understand the subject enough.

Lots of men will do anything to stay with their children and often go through whatever is put in front of them in terms of tests, doctors , counselling etc to make it look as though they can't help it when in fact they can and are not asexual at all.

How many people have been with partners who never wanted sex with them but when they split suddenly found their partner had a new GF within weeks? Why would an asexual person put themselves through the same again in another relationship?

It's definately a complicated subject matter and I may be totally wrong on this.

This happened to my beautiful friend. Her DH stopped sleeping with her after the birth of their 2nd DD. She waited 8 years wondering what was wrong with her before she found out he was having an affair the whole marriage.

So basically male - it is our fault as the women and basically we just aren't attractive enough? I don't know about anyone else but you've managed to make me feel pretty shit about myself.

I say slightly different, because although Whites was not having sex with her DH, DH was having sex with others. My partner, and I think other's on this thread, are not having any sex with anyone.
I take your point that some may be in Whites situation and not know it, but that's definitely not the case for my DH.

When I said he'd been celibate before we met, he was actually a virgin and if he's not at work he's with me, so no affairs.

Writer - I think Male is just showing how hard it is for a man with a libido to accept that some men don't have one. Like he said, he could be (and is ) wrong.

This is such a taboo subject and the idea that men are all sex mad is perpetuated and deeply ingrained.

I personally don't believe my DH is asexual. I believe he has a low sex drive (always has has since I met him) and has lost interest in me in a sexual way. I think that the small spark he did have has dwindled. I have no doubt that if our marriage ended he would have regular sex again with someone else. I think it's also partly my fault for not initiating it enough and now it's become a taboo topic.
The open relationship is an interesting avenue for some but like a previous poster said, I can't detach sex and emotions and I don't believe he could either. I have no doubt that he loves me, he is so attentive in other ways, and there is no affair. I don't think there is anything wrong with him, I think he is quite happy as we are to be honest.
Interesting reading everyone's stories.

Maleview, I have the same confusion about it tbh. I don't understand it at all. My marriage is not totally sexless... every 6 weeks (max), but, and this is the important bit - only ever when he wants to - the times I want to are totally ignored! Now I feel like a human wank sock when he does fancy it. In my mind its not because he wants to have sex with me, its because he fancy's an orgasm and feels it should be with me...

I have had open relationships in the past, fairly successfully and would be happy with that again. But then I am capable of separating sex and love. My Dh, like most people tbf, cannot, so he wont go for this - I have discussed it with him. I would never cheat on him, he knows that, its just not me. I also wont be the one to end it. I want to be with him and I am not requesting anything unreasonable. For this also i see no reason why I should shut up and put up - he is the unreasonable one, he is the one that has done this to our relationship, not me. I am who I claimed to be at the beginning, he in my mind is the one who mislead me - grossly! or he is ill and not willing to actually do anything about it. Like fuck will I accept that. I will keep pushing, if he finds the idea so distasteful then he can be the one to leave, he can have the responsibility of that and take ownership of our marriage ending because he cant bring himself to have a functioning sexual relationship with his wife!

{BabyDubs is having a bitter and resentful day.. }

dubs - I'd love it if I got it once every 6 weeks but not if it left me feeling like a human wank sock so I totally understand why it still leaves you upset. Human Wank Sock is a brilliant term by the way!! Humorous but very sad at the same time. Can I ask, when you do have sex does it include mutual and enjoyable foreplay or is it very 'wham bamn thank you man' ?

Its fantastic - mutual definitely, sometimes more for me, (which in a weird way feels worse... after 8 years of it being this odd sexual relationship I have started to question if this is pity sex/duty sex then?)

He seems to enjoy it, its playful too, and after its always 'we need to do this more often' from HIM! So wtf!?

Writerwannabe83Thu 02-Jan-14 20:06:36

I know what you mean about the perfect life on the outside - I think his friends would be absolutely gob smacked if they knew the truth about our sex life. My DH is a very confident man, likes to be 'one of the lads' and has that cheeky chappy aspect to his character....to outsiders he probably seems to be the perfect contender for a "Who has the best sex life?" competition. His mates probably think we are at it all the time. Sometimes when we are out as a group and general banter is being thrown around my DH likes to imply we have a hot sex life etc and he's "all man" and it takes all my energy not to shout out the truth!!

This is very fucking manipulative of him I would NOT be able to control myself in the way you have in this situation.