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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want more sex

524 replies

Billiam · 01/01/2014 10:52

Lately DH and me have not had much sex. His libido is much lower than mine. Last couple of years his interest dropped to nothing. Talked lots and things have got better, but he said he did not want to feel he had to have sex a certain amount. But be said he would like it maybe once a month. Not enough for me, but I don't feel I can say this because it sounds like I am asking for a rota. Don't understand how he can know how often he will want it. I am afraid he just doesn't really want it at all but has decided he has to and has chosen a number he can put up with. Aibu

OP posts:
maleview70 · 03/01/2014 16:24

Writer, that was not the intention.

It can't be true that every man who doesn't want sex with his partner is asexual. There will be different reasons for different people.

I wont post again as don't want to upset people.

I was speaking with some experience of this and I have been that man who didn't want sex with his wife. I wasn't asexual hence the post.

Writerwannabe83 · 03/01/2014 16:26

I keep quiet because I feel sorry for him. You know what it's like when you hear people bragging about stuff and you know full well it's only because they are covering up for something that actually deep down makes them quite sad? It's that kind of sensation - just really complicated and depressing all round really.

Writerwannabe83 · 03/01/2014 16:27

Why didn't you want sex with your wife male?
Were you honest with your wife or did you keep finding excuses?

Please don't stop posting just because of what I said - I am interested in the male opinion on this topic, honestly Smile

cherrytree63 · 03/01/2014 16:28

Does anyone mind if a fellow "human wank sock" joins the thread to ask a question?
I won't go into a ten year epic story of my relationship sex problem, but for about three/four months at the beginning our sex life was pretty amazing...swinging from the chandeliers, I was the Martini girl, you know, anytime, any place anywhere.
Then DP's libido decreased massively. He says he does have a sex drive, just doesn't want it as much as I do.
He only ever wants sex (in his words "feels up to it", and yes his testosterone levels are fine) in the morning. It is missionary position, nearly every time, and he doesn't encourage me to do anything, I don't have the confidence any more to be more active. But I feel if I knew what he liked then I could make it better for him then he'd want to do it more IYSWIM?
I feel so under pressure with feeling fat and ugly and useless at it all that I now need some time to relax into it, and some "genuine" foreplay ie not feeling like it is a chore to him. Plus I'm so on edge that my alarm is about to go off, and wondering if I'm going to have time to have a proper wash before work (sorry if TMI)!! that something I want is not floating my boat.

So after my ramble my question is if it is just that his sex drive has decreased, and it's not that I'm just so rubbish at it, why has the sex changed from something like a porn film to what it is now?

maleview70 · 03/01/2014 16:45

My wife was very possessive and controlling and over time this really ground me down. I had a very young child and was petrified she would take her away from me. I did love her but we grew apart and her behaviour led to resentment on my part and I suppose that moved to our sex life as I just started to dislike how she treated me.

Eventually she had an affair and we split. This of course is totally different to the story most on here are telling though. However I too went to counselling etc just to keep her onside and ensure my child was old enough to want to see me wen we did finally split. Poor behaviour from me really and now we are older she admits it was poor behaviour from her.

My current relationship has got into a similar rut though too and my partner now is nothing like her. I hunk I do have a low sex drive and so does she by her own admittance so we don't clash much about this.

I struggle with intimacy in general due to the cold atmosphere I was raised in. I never once saw my parents show any affection towards one another and often lived under a cloud of an imminent row!

That's why I am never a fan of staying together for children as it can cause lasting damage.

vanillavelvet · 03/01/2014 18:03

Cherrytree, it was like that for us at the beginning too! I don't really mind that it's not that way any more - I don't know how we'd fit it in as our whole lives have changed in the last 12 years - but twice in the last two and a half years is taking the piss Wink

I think it has just become difficult for either of us to broach it the more time that passes.

The last time we dtd was about 4 months ago, initiated by DH, and he said afterwards that he had been nervous about it as it had been so long. I hoped that was the start of a renewed sex life, but unfortunately not. I do wonder how much of it could be down to me not initiating things, and just carrying on as though everything is fine.

I honestly don't believe he's having an affair, but this thread has got me thinking....

puzzleduck · 03/01/2014 18:10

We don't even argue anymore. I would love to have a good old row so I can tell him a few home truths, in reality I probably wouldn't.

Does everyone else argue still?

BabyDubsEverywhere · 03/01/2014 18:17

We don't argue, puzzle. He doesn't like confrontation so just agrees with me or shuts down, never really an argument. Tbh though other than this we don't have anything to argue about - we get on! I would love a blazing row - I imagine him coming out with all the things that are wrong with our relationship in his mind (because I am buggered if I know!) so I could finally get a clue to what goes on in his head and get to the crux of the issue!

vanillavelvet · 03/01/2014 18:18

Puzzle, I've been feeling generally disgruntled over the festive period and it ended in a blazing row a few days ago where we both admitted that we felt taken for granted. I think we'd been spending too much time together, both being off work for Christmas Wink

The outcome of the row was that we love each other and want to be together. There was no resolution to the sex issue though....

puzzleduck · 03/01/2014 18:30

If I tell DH Im fed up hes really sorry but nothing changes.
Im scared to leave. I dont want 5 more years of this. I hate not being in control of my own life.

vanillavelvet · 03/01/2014 18:36

Yes, at the minute my DH is in 'making an effort' mode, but I predict that will end soon and we'll have exactly the same row again in 6 months time. Hmmm...

BabyDubsEverywhere · 03/01/2014 18:38

Snap puzzle!

I have a mini breakdown, he sits there looking devastated, cant explain his behaviour, promises everything will change, I feel guilty... rinse-wash-repeat...

BabyDubsEverywhere · 03/01/2014 18:38

wash, then rinse perhaps - no wonder I have to repeat! Grin

womblesofwestminster · 03/01/2014 18:44

Why would an asexual person put themselves through the same again in another relationship?

Because they like monogamy, just not sex. I thought that was obvious Hmm

puzzleduck · 03/01/2014 18:47

When I was at my convent school I never knew I would turn into a Nun. God, its so depressing.

lotsofcheese · 03/01/2014 19:15

I'm just wondering if, for those who had previously-good sex lives, there is a time factor for things declining? Or if it's an age thing?

For us, we were great for the 1st 18months, until I moved in; we were both 33 at that point. I wonder if it was all "thrill of the chase" for him & after that he lost interest. Things declined for us after that. At one point I suspected he was having an affair. Perhaps he wanted out, now feels trapped?

Interesting reading on this thread.....

womblesofwestminster · 03/01/2014 19:29

I can't imagine how hard it must be if you previously had a good sex life with your DH. That wipes out asexuality as a possibility.

nickymanchester · 03/01/2014 19:33

cherrytree63

So after my ramble my question is if it is just that his sex drive has decreased, and it's not that I'm just so rubbish at it, why has the sex changed from something like a porn film to what it is now

I posted earlier on this thread. Your question just made me think about something else as well.

This may not be relevant to you, but this is just my experience.

DH was also having some ED issues as well. Warning this may well be TMI so just skip to the end if you want.

Not that he couldn't get it up or anything but he did have problems maintaining a really hard erection during foreplay. He later told me that he was very self conscious about this and especially when I would reach out to him when he wasn't fully hard.

This led to him being uncomfortable and feeling worried whenever I initiated things and so I backed off from being so active. As with your DH, mine was also more comfortable with sex in the morning - men do usually seem to be a bit harder in the morning.

Men seem to be so tied up with all this that, again, it was a sort of vicious circle about this as well. Whenever he thought about sex he was worried about being able to maintain a good erection and what I might think of him if he couldn't. Of course, this became a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, the more he worried about it the more likely it was to happen which would make him worry even more the next time.

I eventually got him to talk about this and he got some viagra from Boots - that's a whole other story, him having to talk to the Boots pharmacist about this Blush . Well, that certainly helped a lot. I think that he must have had a chronic low-level ED problem for some time as I'll never forget his reaction the first time he took the viagra - he looked down and it was ''OMG it's like I'm 19 again'' which gave him a lot more confidence.

cherrytree this may or may not be relevant to your situation but could, possibly, be something to think about

nickymanchester · 03/01/2014 19:38

vanillavelvet

The last time we dtd was about 4 months ago, initiated by DH, and he said afterwards that he had been nervous about it as it had been so long

My dh said exactly the same thing. I did a rather long post a couple of pages back about how we got round this with him massaging me

womblesofwestminster · 03/01/2014 19:58

My DH has ED issues related to type 1 diabetes. Good point Nicky.

vanillavelvet · 03/01/2014 19:58

Thanks Nicky, I've just had another look over the thread. That could be worth suggesting...

lotsofcheese · 03/01/2014 20:03

Wombles: yes, he is definitely not asexual - I guess the explanation is that he either doesn't want sex at all, or at least not with me Hmm

Also, is your DH having treatment for his ED? I work in adult diabetes & it's incredibly common, even in younger men. But there are treatments available & clinic staff are very aware, so he will in all likelihood be asked about it at clinic appointments.

womblesofwestminster · 03/01/2014 20:09

lotsofcheese can you briefly explain the treatments please? What are their success rates?

BabyDubsEverywhere · 03/01/2014 20:15

Those of you with DHs with ED... did you know?
Is there anyway my DH could have this issue but has hidden it very very well??

TheButterHalf · 03/01/2014 20:17

an asexual is just someone that believes there is nothing that can be done to help them, I do not believe that any human mammal would not benefit from a fulfilling relationship that includes sex. Us with the asexual 'label' dream of having a normal sex life, the shame of being fridged, and oh my being a fridged man, is disabling, especially when it comes to sex itself