To want more sex

[Billiam]

Lately DH and me have not had much sex. His libido is much lower than mine. Last couple of years his interest dropped to nothing. Talked lots and things have got better, but he said he did not want to feel he had to have sex a certain amount. But be said he would like it maybe once a month. Not enough for me, but I don't feel I can say this because it sounds like I am asking for a rota. Don't understand how he can know how often he will want it. I am afraid he just doesn't really want it at all but has decided he has to and has chosen a number he can put up with. Aibu

Are you still sexually attracted to him puzzle or do you look at him and just see him as a friend? Or worse, just a man you share the house with?

Puzzle, my DC are only small but I have these thoughts already.. what will happen when there isn't a houseful of small dc to distract me or for him to blame tiredness etc on?

Writer, he is really good looking. I try to find fault in him, but I love him (sob)
Its so upsetting. Im glad (not glad but iykwim) that others are sharing their situations, I thought I was the only one in the world this was happening to.

womble - I haven't had our baby yet, his 'not looking up' occurred prior to pregnancy. I guess I shouldn't hold out much hope of any admiring glances after having children then? And yes, it used to really, really annoy me when he put on the act for his friends, I used to confront him but then I just stopped, just like I stopped confronting him about our lack of sex - I got tired of having the same arguments and hearing the same excuses.

I feel bad I am taking over the thread (sorry OP)

Writer- I wouldn't necessarily read anything into the fact that he doesn't want to leap on you every time he sees you naked. I mean we see each other's bodies a lot and are used to them. I certainly don't feel horny every time I see hubby naked, nor him me. However if I suddenly appeared in a basque and stockings and high heels, he would be very interested! It all depends what tickles their fancy

Get the right councillor. I can only speak from personal experience, but my first counselling session I was prepared, I had even written some notes. I started explaining the best I could how I felt. May you have heard on occasion chat or even in an argument what the bloke is feeling. My councillor stopped me before I went on too far and simply said, yes but what are you thinking. And that has finally opened the can of worms that is someone who is messed up in the head ( ie me ) about sex

I posted at the beginning of this thread and have just been catching up with the rest of the responses. Comforting to hear that I'm not alone. I can identify with so much that has been said.

I felt inspired to broach the subject with my DH earlier... he sat in silence while I told him how I felt. His response was that life is difficult at the minute with our 2 small DCs and working long hours etc. There was no resolution

It's been 2 1/2 years for us now. It feels good to hear we're not alone. I'm almost scared to try now it has been so long.

writer so much of what you've said is similar to me. Noticing after about 6 months together and questioning him, discussing post sex how we'll have to do it more, and then it never happens. We are going to start TTC soon and I'm dreading it as it kills me to think that we are going to have to "force" sex in order to do something so natural as have a baby. I too am nervous about how much worse it will be post baby (if we get that far).
The longest we've gone is about 6 months, I worked out this year we had sex 4 times, but each time was a struggle to get to. The trouble is I don't want it anymore either, because him being so uninterested in me puts me off. I feel like he likes to take care of me rather than make love to me, and it feels incestuous. Does anyone else feel like that?!
He's a very loving and caring man, but with no sexual desire.

I noticed he was different to other men I had been with after 6 months. I never received dirty or flirty texts when we were in the "getting together" phase, despite living far apart, and he never pounced on me or discussed what he did and didn't like sexually which I found strange. It was meant to be honeymoon phase, and within less than a year sex had faded to once every 2 weeks, by 2 years it was once a month and now.... whenever it becomes so long that I cry and he pretends to want it to make me feel better.
Neither of us have let ourselves go, we both look the same as we did 8 years ago when we met. I really don't know what I can do to get that spark back.
I had a brief affair within the first 3 years when we were living apart, and admitted it to DH. I'm very very ashamed, but in all honesty he didn't seem that bothered. He was upset about the betrayal, but understood why it happened. I haven't done anything like that since.

Sorry had to get that all out. I agree with a PP that we should have an ongoing thread for this topic.

Writer yes I masturbate almost every night. It's like if he won't do then tough ill do it myself.i feel bad and he must know given the number of batteries we get through! Butter half thank you for giving us a mans POV. maleview definately not he would never play games like and despises people who do play any type of game in a Relationship. I had to disappear off the thread for a bit as I was getting upset but I'm glad I came back, I definately feel less alone now that I did before. I going to try just cuddling tonight and see if i can get anywhere with non sexual contact, I have to keep trying if I give up hope I might as well leave him

Thank you for having the courage to start this thread .
I am sorry to butt in again but can I ask Maleview why does DH hug me ,pat me stroke my hair and call me darling but not take it further -he came to bed on NYE with champagne and chocs cuddled me then ignored me .Why would a man be like that? He is not gay and is not having an affair and could leave me tomorrow if he wanted .I know I make nice cakes but I have tried to talk to him but I won't ask for sex !

thequeen, its only my experience so take a pinch of salt with it, it's like there is a monster under the bed, you can do everything pretty much normal and enjoy it, just as long as you don't turn out the light. It starts to get a bit nervous, especially if you start remembering the monster too soon before bed. Now I am a grown man, I don't believe in monsters any more, my brain however is proving quite difficult to convince it was all made up but on the ( currently ) rare occasion I beat the monster I really enjoy having done so.

Be interesting to hear what Maleview thinks.

It feels so good to be able to get it off my chest and know that it's happening to other women as well as me. I'm looking at my gorgeous husband now and thinking how sexy he looks and also wondering what kind of f*cked up situation I'm in that I wouldn't even dare try and snog him for dread of his response. He is very tactile, always hugging me, holding my hand, kisding me (even if they are hen pecks), gives me back, foot and head massages etc but when it comes to sexual intimacy there is just something missing within him. He just doesn't seem to have that urge.

anna - reading about your TTC concerns made me feel quite sad because I remember having all the same fears. Initiating the sex was much easier as we knew we had a purpose for it now but it still felt uncomfortable as though having sex wasn't natural for us. We fell pregnant on our first month of trying and when we were in the pub a few weeks ago he cracked a joke to his mates about how disappointed he was that it happened so quick as he had been looking forward to months and months of practice....I just sat three quietly and thought, "Yeah, of course you were......"

Don't know, baffling behaviour that!

Thanks Butter -thing is I expected we'd be having fun now the "Monster" has gone to uni

Anna, I also wanted to comment on TTC. It took a good 6 months for us to conceive both times and we got into a good routine, enjoyed ourselves, felt really close. As Writer mentioned, it was easier because there was a 'reason' for doing it. Unfortunately it all stopped as soon as I had the positive test.

Then, of course, there's recovering from childbirth, months of sleepless nights with a new baby etc. Before I knew it a year had passed, then two...

I'm almost tempted to try and initiate sex tonight.....this thread has empowered me a little to try and address the problem again!

I sometimes wish my dh would act the way yours does writer, with the bragging about sex thing.. at least it would show that he had some desire, even if just imagined to show off to his mates... my dh has no reason to show off to his mates about sex with me, its clearly such a deplorable act in the first place. That sounds really fucked up

Just been reading all these posts, and its heartbreaking. I remember being that person!!! Oh my god, do I remember!!

My ex P ( he doesn't even really deserve ex DP) simply would not sleep with me!! Made me wait 2 months before actually having sex with me the first time. literally begged, but nope - he wanted to wait. Then one night e just kind of went for it - no condom for fucks sake. But I was too shocked and elated that he finally decided I was worth sleeping with that I don't say anything. I then had the humiliation of having to get morning after pill the next day like a naughty school girl. (I was 28!!!)

Anyway the relationship continued like that, I literally would beg for sex and was accused of "pressuring" him. I was made to feel like a nympho for simply want to do something that was part of a normal relationship. I would cry myself to sleep. In the end we went on holiday and it came to a head. I asked for sex (no make that begged) every night and morning. Got turned down. Every single fucking time.

In the end, I gently asked him if there was a problem, did we need to go for counselling? I loved him so would try and make it work.. Blah blah. Do you know what the fucker did? Ended it on the spot. Said he couldn't cope with my constant need and pressure for sex. Yep, on holiday. Dumped on holiday in Spain because god forbid I want to make love.

After that, was traumatised. Had no sex drive, I was then single for 8 years!!!!! It took me about 2 years to even have sex again - I just wasn't interested. I felt like I was freak.

It took me a while and a couple of "friends with benefits" relationships to make me realise I didn't have an abnormal sex drive, but because I was fucked up because I didn't want anyone to come near me emotionally I still started to feel hollow so binned these off.

Anyway I now have a wonderful amazing DP who I love dearly. We have a steady sex life. I'd love more - a lot more but I know what the alternative was like!!! Sometimes though I'd love him to ravish me!!!! To get swept away by passion and that doesn't really happen. He doesn't kiss much either so I'm intrigued that other posters are saying the same thing. I get tender pecks which are lovely but sometimes I'd like a full on passionate snog!!!

Anyway OP thank you for starting this post, whilst I am far luckier now, I remember only too well the horrible feelings of being rejected and not wanting to speak to anyone about it because I felt like maybe I was doing something wrong??? It's heartening (but sad) to know I wasn't the only one.

Good luck to all you Lades - I hope it gets better

at being able to walk around naked and he wouldn't bat an eyelid. My DH will almost hint at being interested, eg, look up and go 'Ooooh' and I think maybe, just maybe this will go somewhere but then he goes back to reading/ playing on his tablet/ watching something... Dressing up used to work but last time I did that he just said 'Aren't you cold wearing that?' Might as well chuck out the sexy lingerie collection I've amassed in the hope of getting him interested!

I currently have mild antenatal depression. I had PND after DS2 and find myself almost hoping I need to be prescribed antidepressants as they might suppress my sex drive then there'd be less of an issue!

babydubs - it's just so frustrating isn't it, it drives me mad. He's such the stereotypical 'macho man' that the whole thing is so bizarre. He's a PE teacher, goes the gym regularly, is Captain of our local Cricket team and Captain of two local football teams, very handsome, lovely body etc etc but the one thing that is supposed to make a man 'a man' is completely missing. The image he presents and the reality of what we have is so incongruent - my RL friends just wouldn't believe it if I told them about our sex life.

I was with one of my friends a few weeks ago and she was complaining to me about her upset, she was really upset actually. She was telling me that she can't cope with his sex demands as he 'needs' it at least 3 or 4 times a week and she is shattered and is feeling used etc. she said even when she was pregnant (they have two children, their most recent one being 10 months old) he was still 'needing' it and she was having to go along with it right up until she was over 8 months pregnant. I felt so bad for her but at the same time I felt like I was in a parallel universe, totally baffled that some men actually have this high a level of sex drive! Part of me was even a bit jealous actually. I'm sure she'd swap her situation though for mine. The grass is always greener etc etc.

And for all us serial masturbaters, is it your husbands/partners you are thinking of or someone else???

Vanilla - that's interesting that you had 6 months of regular routine and then it just dwindled. Is that because he started rejecting you or just stopped initiating it and seemed disinterested? I cannot imagine 6 months of regular sex! and If it happened I'd hope to try to keep it up, but can see how (especially after kids) it's only going to get worse.
Writer - the comment in the pub is so strange, he must have known what you were thinking!

I think with DH it's partly down to a catholic upbringing. He would never have sex unless in a long-term relationship, which is something I really admired when we first got together, but then realized it was because it had been ingrained in him that sex was something bad and wrong. I started feeling really dirty for saying anything remotely sexual.
The other week he caught me throwing away all my sexy lingerie while having a clear out, and told me to keep it and looked mildly disappointed. I just looked at him and said "what's the point?" and he didn't push it further.

I'll be honest, I am jealous of your friend. I would swap a kidney for that sort of problem

and kind of.. If I think about DH then I tend to think about DH with other people... my self esteme is so bad that I agree with his lack of desire for me even in my own fuckin fantasy world ffs!!!